- Romance
- Come Home To Me
- Page 4
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Click hereThump.
All thoughts flew from his mind like frightened rabbits, his ear straining,willingthat sound not to have been an illusion.
Thump. Th-thump.
Rather than stopping, his tears only increased. A great, unstoppable flow, an outpouring of relief and unbridled exultation.
Steadier and steadier the sound grew, a warm breeze suddenly tickling his cheek. In, out, in, out. A hand gripped his shoulder weakly. A soft, hoarse voice, seeming like the most beautiful choir, whispered in his ear.
"My love... you're home."
- COMMENTS
lazper12over 13 years agoIt was rather well written and evocative, however the animal nature of the characters didn't add to the story - or particularly subtract from it. It did however throw me for a loop for a minute or two since there was absolutely no clue to it in the first section. I was well into it before I figured it out. It disrupted my immersion while my brain was forced to re-imagine the characters. I got back into the story soon enough, but it still was an interruption.
I'd personally and subjectively prefer it without the animal characteristics - but it could work if there was either something discrete in the first section, or more detailed in the 1st to 3rd paragraphs of the second section. By the time "the fox and his cronies" came around, I'd formed a mental image of her and interpreted the above quote as a metaphor (just like we call some people snakes or weasels). Having to throw all that out when the "boar" with "two tiny tusks" came around temporarily kicked me out of the story. For a moment I thought she'd meant "bore", especially with the other character traits - though that didn't quite ring right either.
I'm not suggesting you go to the other extreme if you don't drop the animal traits, just that you gently guide our mental imagery in the right direction earlier if you insist on going that way. That said, I've seen some cases where that has gone too far - so I'm just asking for the same gentle and appropriate touch you already used elsewhere in the same story - just a fraction earlier before my mental image of our heroine finalized.
Anonymousover 13 years agoAbsolutely loved this story - heartwarming, intriguing, well written and simply unique. Thank you for posting!
