Coming Out with the Truth Ch. 06

"Um. Hi." I heard Em say. She was probably staring at the gaggle of women on my doorstep in something like disbelief. I got off the couch and hurried into the hall and up behind Em.

"I'm so sorry!" I blurted. Rose, Gloria and Marjorie all looked slightly taken aback. "I totally forgot. I haven't even- I haven't even cleaned up..." I felt like a total idiot. I had meant to call them and ask if we could reschedule but it had totally slipped my mind. Emma looked at me as if just realising that I knew these people. "This is my sister, Emma." I introduced her. "Em, these ladies are most of the cooking group."

"Oh. Right." Emma said blankly.

"Rose, Gloria, Marjorie, Ida, Anne, Elizabeth..." the dozen or so ladies nodded as I said their names.

"Are you not well, Keith?" Elizabeth asked. She was blind without the glasses she refused to wear.

"Ah- not my best," I admitted.

"Shall we reschedule?" Ida asked anxiously.

"No!" I objected. "You've done all this baking... I-"

"Why don't you come in?" Emma invited, taking charge of the situation. "We can put the kettle on and set up while Keith goes and cleans up."

"But the kitchen..." I said to her in a hiss. I hadn't cleaned it in a while... Emma just laughed. She was nowhere near as house proud as I was.

"I'll fix it. You go and have your shower." She wrinkled her nose at me and I ran upstairs to comply as the groups tarted to file into the house.

I leant my head against the cold tiles in the shower and shed a few tears. I was still hurting, but now I was kicking myself for forgetting this and not having prepared... and wishing it had been John at the door...

When I came down the kitchen was sparkling and so was the lounge-dining area. It didn't take a dozen women very long at all. They were placing plates of cakes and tarts and slices and biscuits out on the table. Emma was hovering, looking very much like she'd died and gone to heaven. She had a pretty big sweet tooth.

"You feeling better?" Gloria asked quietly.

"I'm ok." I answered with a shrug. I think we all knew it was a lie. My eyes were puffy and probably red, and I hadn't eaten much or slept well for a few days. I must have looked a sight.

I wasn't very good company either. Normally I enjoyed hearing the town gossip - minor scandals no one outside this group took much interest in that had taken place anywhere between fifty years ago and tomorrow -- but I had nothing to say. I let them interrogate Emma instead, and hoped she didn't mind. I don't think she did. She was pretty much the life of the party.

When they went they insisted on leaving a huge amount of food behind, which spurred Em to tell them they were welcome to come over any time at all, and to be even more friendly than she had been. I could see she thought this was a ticket to eternal cupcakes.

By the time we actually saw them off I half felt like Em had stolen them from me. We waved them off from the front porch. Em had her arm around me, and I couldn't help but cling to her more tightly when I saw John and Sarah walking down the other footpath. Sarah saw us and waved. As far as she knew I had no reason not to wave, so I waved back. John's gaze was unreadable from so far away. I wanted him to grab Sarah by the hand and drag her over here and beg me to forgive him for not saying anything sooner... but he showed not the slightest sign of acting.

It seemed like he hadn't even looked in my direction.

I put my arms around Emma and took her inside. She marched off to the kitchen without speaking.

I checked the messages on my phone and found one from the police. I rang the number back and got one of them.

"Is that Keith Draper?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Just informing you that you've been cleared. Ms. Walker regained consciousness and was able to tell us with no uncertainty that you weren't her assailant."

"Great." I said flatly. "Because I didn't already know that."

There was a short silence. "Mr. Draper," the detective said warningly.

I sighed. "Yeah, I know. Is she ok?" I asked. I don't know why.

"The doctors are optimistic. She should be able to go home in a few days." I closed my eyes.

"And Graeme?" I asked, holding my breath. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I asking?

"What about Mr. Shields?" The detective asked cautiously.

"Nothing." I said, shaking my head, even though I knew he couldn't see it. "Just- I'm glad she's ok."

When he'd hung up I went into the kitchen to tell Em the good news.

She just glared and wiped the benches more vigorously.

I began to wash up the last of the cups. My salty tears mingled with the soapy water.

John:

"That must be his sister!" Sarah said happily, linking her arm through mine. I was filled with a terrible mix of emotions I couldn't sort through. They were like a great knot inside my chest. Each thought just led me in a great big circle, back to where I'd started from, and I couldn't see any answers, any way out. "Shall we go over?" Sarah asked.

"No." I disagreed. Christ- go over and make polite conversation with Keith and his sister? Not when he wasn't speaking to me. "I have to get to work."

"Well maybe we could invite them over for dinner."

"Sarah." I said, more angrily than I'd meant to. I couldn't help it. She blinked at me. "Stop trying to set me up with people." She floundered .

"But-"

"No. I've had enough. So invite them for dinner, fine. Just don't drag me into it."

"I wasn't trying to set you up." She said lamely. It was a lie. She'd been trying to set me up with a nice girl for years. "But you can't object to dinner. It's just a dinner with friends."

I could not sit through a dinner with him. Not before he'd started speaking to me again.

"No." I said firmly. Sarah was quiet. Fuck- she couldn't know, could she?

"You don't believe he did it, do you?" She asked.

"What? No." I answered sullenly. I knew he hadn't. I would have known he hadn't even if I hadn't spent the night holding him against me, pretending to sleep as well as him...

"It's just that- you've been acting kind of funny since Saturday." Of course I was! Everything the police had said, Keith's answer- it had all made me realise exactly how precarious my position was here, and exactly how much I was risking by dating someone in the same town. Exactly what was wrong with me since I couldn't.

"Just tired." I answered, forcing my tone into something more reasonable.

"Fine." Sarah said. "Well. You don't have to come, but I am inviting them for dinner. I'm- I'm a bit worried about Keith." I said nothing. "I haven't seen him since Saturday. I haven't seen him leave the house and Jim said he hadn't been in. I wonder if he's ok."

I thought back to that episode with the rum... to Saturday... Shit. Keith wasn't over him, was he? He still wasn't over Graeme fucking Shields.

"Probably just a bit shocked." I finally managed. She'd think I was being weird if I didn't say anything.

"Yeah." She agreed with a sigh. "Probably."

I tried to change the subject, but my heart stayed where it had sunken: somewhere right about my toes.

Keith:

I debated calling Gordon and letting him know I couldn't take the training that afternoon, but I figured I'd done enough moping for a while. So I showered and shaved and dressed and went to training. I knew I was irritable, but I couldn't apologize for it, since I was still feeling too fragile. I'd probably end up in tears if I tried.

Training was terrible. I got cross and the kids resented it since I was normally patient with them, and I couldn't handle their attitude so I made them run laps. I wanted to apologize by the end of it, or at least give some encouraging speech. Next week, I told myself as they trudged away.

I headed back towards the road to walk home and stopped in shock. John was leaning against his car, next to mine.

My throat tightened. It was like a hallucination, a vision. He was really here?

"Hey." He said. His voice was deep and calm and soothing. My heart galloped. I swallowed hard. I'd been waiting for days and he was finally here. Suddenly the day didn't seem like such a bad one. "You want to take a walk?" he suggested. I nodded jerkily, and stuffed my hands in my pockets. We walked back towards the oval side by side, not even close to brushing against each other, but all the same I'll swear the side of my body closest to him was warm.

"You okay?" he asked. I nodded again, watching the ground. What the hell kind of question was that? "No more rum?" he asked.

"No." I answered coldly. He didn't need to know about the tequila shots.

"I'm glad you've been cleared." He said. Yeah, I thought, no thanks to you. And how do you even know about that? Bastard. God, please, just please... John kept talking. I forced myself to listen. "I know it's messed up," what? "-but I'm here for you, alright?" I stared at him. What the fuck? "When you're ready."

"When I'm ready?" I repeated blankly.

"Yeah. When you're feeling better about Graeme, then I'm here." I stopped walking, my mouth falling open in shock. The whole world shifted under my feet.

"You think I'm not over Graeme." I said flatly. He shrugged. "This has nothing to do with Graeme!" I snapped. "You don't even get it, do you?" The little yellow flame of hope that had ignited in my chest upon seeing him here flickered and died.

"Look." He said, far too calmly. "I understand that what happened has-"

"This isn't about Graeme!" I yelled, something within me finally snapping. "This is about you!" he didn't look surprised- he looked shocked. I couldn't help the tears welling in my eyes. I thought I'd cried enough over the last year to last me my whole life, but apparently I was wrong. John didn't even seem to have a clue why I was upset. How could he not understand? How could he not see what the problem was?

"I was over Graeme before we slept together! I've been over him for months! I told you that! I told you that months ago! This is about you, John! You were supposed to stand up for me!" I yelled. "I needed you to stand up for me. You were supposed to tell them that I had nothing to do with it!" I knew exactly what he was thinking when I said that and I went on, straight away. All I knew, was that if he'd really loved me he would have been there for me -- even if he hadn't come out, he still could have been there. "You didn't even need to come out- you were just supposed to be there for me! What if it hadn't been just questions? What if they'd been coming to arrest me? Would you have said something then?" I wiped my eyes quickly. The silence assaulted my ears. John stared at me like I wasn't speaking English anymore, or maybe like I'd sprouted a second head.

"You weren't going to tell anyone." He said blankly.

"I didn't! And I won't! But this isn't enough, John! I need more! I seem to give and give and I don't seem to get a whole lot in return. Graeme wanted a wife and you want a mistress! But it's not enough. I know you don't want anyone to know, but will you ever tell them? Or are you going to spend your whole life sneaking around?"

"We don't sneak-"

"What the hell would you call it, then? You've stayed the night once and I had to ask like it was some kind of special favour, like I'm the only one who actually wanted it. We can't be seen together in public, we can't even go out. If it's not sneaking then what the hell is it? Because being with someone has never made me so stressed before, or so worried all the time... I'm not ashamed of being gay, John, and I don't know if you noticed, but this isn't the way I live my life! So what would you call it if it's not sneaking around, John? Do you even want this?"

"Of course I want this..."

"How much?" I yelled. "How much do you want this? Not enough, obviously! Not enough to-" I flung my arm out, as if gesturing to everything he didn't love me enough to do. "Not enough to tell anyone. Not enough to make any sort of commitment, or even just a gesture. Not enough, John! I can't believe... I though... John. It's not enough for me. I need more." I tried to sound sane and reasonable, but my voice was shaking and John was still staring at me with that awful shocked expression.

"Like- like what?" He finally blurted.

"Everything! I want everything. And I'll even keep waiting. John, just tell me when you won't need to hide anymore. Just give me a date. Just tell me that one day you'll be ready, and I can wait."

John gaped at me. "Why do you want people to know...?"

And that was that. It was as good as a straight out denial. He was never going to come out. My chest tightened and all I could feel was pure panic. How the hell had I got myself into this?

"Because I don't want to have to hide what I feel! Because we shouldn't have to! Because I love you!" The words tore themselves from my chest before I could reflect on them with anything other than sheer desperation. "I love you and I want the whole world to know!"

I hadn't wanted to tell him like this. these were not words to use in anger, but I couldn't think of anything else to say; it was the truth.

John drew back. This was where he was supposed to tell me he loved me too, to set a date, to pull out his phone and just call Sarah and tell her or anyone... to beg me for more time... But he just stared at me like I was crazy.

This was it.

This was the moment I had been hoping would never come. The moment I had avoided by avoiding important conversations that we should have had months ago- like if he was ever going to man up and come out. Like if he cared enough about us to take that step, or if we were going to have to live in separate houses for the rest of our lives and pretend we were nothing more than friends. This was the moment I'd avoided out of fear of rejection and it hadn't made the slightest bit of difference.

"You know what?" I said helplessly, totally defeated. There was no choice, anymore. I took a few steps backwards, away from him. I had to let go. I had to get out, now. It was already too late to avoid getting hurt, but I had to get out. Now. My throat was so tight it ached, so tight I could hardly speak. "I'm out." I said loudly, the full stop to our argument- and it didn't matter at all that it hadn't been a real argument at all.

I took one last look at John standing there, his hands jammed in his pockets and golden eyes staring at the ground, and then I turned and walked away.

How could this have happened?

I bumped into Em walking down the street. She'd been coming to meet me but hadn't counted on me sending the kids home early. She saw the look on my face and knew immediately that something was wrong.

"Keith..." she said and put her arm around me. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

I nodded numbly. She waited for me to say something, but I couldn't speak so I shook my head. She pulled my arm over her shoulder and hauled me off home again.

"OK." She said, pushing me onto the couch. "What happened? Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to sit on you?"

Not that that would have done much. "John." I swallowed, forcing myself to keep breathing. "He came to see me."

"He came to see you? Isn't that good?"

I shook my head. "He didn't-didn't even know what was wrong. He didn't know why I was angry. He thought I just needed some time after finding out about Grae's wife... he didn't get it, Em..."

"What- you mean he didn't realise it was about the fact that he's not prepared to come out for you?" I nodded miserably. Em stared at me a moment, then got up and started jamming her shoes back on.

"Where are you going?" I sat up more.

"I'm going to bust in his door and shake him! I'm going to tell him what a miserable arsehole he is and tell him to leave you alone or get over himself and fucking come out already! Then I'm going to grab him by the balls and-"

"You don't even know where he lives!" I exclaimed, standing up.

"Well I know where his sister lives! I'm sure she'll tell me!" Em was livid, absolutely fuming. I'd never seen her so angry in my life.

"You can't tell her! You can't knock on her door- she'll want to know why!" I grabbed her arms to stop her going anywhere.

"So?" Emma said, wrenching herself away from me. "I don't care! That bastard should have come out for you! He should have bloody well-"

"If you tell her he'll blame me! I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone! You can't!" Emma finally stopped and stared at me, her lips pressed tightly together.

"It would serve him right." She spat after a long moment.

"That's not the point." I said. "He'll think I'm trying to get back at him. And I can't do that to him, Em... I can't."

A muscle worked in her jaw. "I hate this." She finally spat. "This isn't fair." She didn't need to tell me that. I hugged her tight.

When she pulled away she stomped immediately to the kitchen and muttered that she was going to make dinner. Normally I'd have stopped her, since whatever she cooked would likely be burned or too spicy to eat, but I saw her wipe her eyes on the way so I let her go.

We ate dinner in silence, a big contrast to the violent banging of pans and cutlery that had emanated from the kitchen while she'd been cooking, then Emma got up and left to study in the front room. I wasn't sure what to do on my own since I hadn't been alone in the evenings for quite a long time now. I turned on the tv.

I was rummaging in the fridge and glumly considering what we had in the way of food that would fill up the emptiness inside me -- even though I knew there was nothing I would eat -- when the doorbell rang. Emma was studying, so I shut the fridge to answer the door before I heard her get up and answer it. Obviously she'd had enough of her text books.

I didn't mind. My heart didn't leap with hope when the doorbell rang anymore.

"Oh. Hi." I heard Emma speak but I couldn't tell who was there, they were speaking too quietly. I flicked the switch on the kettle on. It would probably be Sarah or Gloria. "Come in," Em was saying and I heard her laugh softly at something my unknown visitor had said. I pulled some cups out of the cupboard and wished I'd made muffins or something. I liked to have fresh baked goods in the house, but I just hadn't felt much like cooking beyond what was absolutely necessary recently.

I turned around and found Emma showing Joel into the kitchen.

"Oh. Hi, Joel." I said, surprised. I hoped I didn't look like too much of a mess.

"Hey." He said with a brief smile.

I hated to have to ask, but I really didn't want to get beaten up again. "Does your dad know you're here?" I asked cautiously. Training might be one thing, but being inside my house was probably another.

"Yeah." He answered and smiled more broadly. "He's started speaking to me again, you know. I asked if he'd mind if I came to visit and he grunted and said at least you were a good role model."

"Wow." I said. That was a world away from what his father had said to me before. I grinned at him. "I'm surprised he held out this long, though." I hoped I sounded confident in that. Truth was that I hadn't expected things to change at all.

"Yeah. You didn't press charges, for one thing. And he said you can't be all bad. I think it's because you play sport." He gave a crooked smile and a shrug. Well. The sport thing was a new one for me. "And he was just stubborn in the end. Didn't know how to back down graciously, so he couldn't do it at all."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Mum cried herself into a hysteria and upset dad enough that he agreed to talk to me and sort things out."

"She's ok?"

"Yeah. I think she did it on purpose. You know, so he could speak to me without losing face." I nodded. I was never going to get used to other people's families.