Consequences - Contessa

While I stopped wanting to exercise with my son, I did enjoy the attentions of the other men there. Not in any way other than to make me feel better about myself: they meant nothing to me in any other way, certainly not in a sexual way. I wasn't even sexually interested in my husband so it was very unlikely I was going to get aroused by someone else, especially not a stranger. I wasn't interested at all until Bill Parker began to show up at the gym more and more.

Bill was our next door neighbor and lived with his wife Joyce. Joyce was a recluse, almost an agoraphobic. At first, she used to go out only when absolutely necessary, sometimes to a party but she much preferred to entertain at her house. When others invited her and Bill, she refused and she made no excuse. Bill tried to get her to get treatment but she refused to leave the house and made only token attempts to talk to anyone except by phone. That was useless and she discontinued that at the first opportunity. Since then, she remained housebound. Like most of his friends, I had stopped going to see Joyce, bothered by her problems and uncomfortable around her. Not much of a friend was I?

Bill was ten or twelve years older than me and owned a small hardware store in town. When Joyce began to stay home and her illness was diagnosed, Bill decided to sell his store and stay close to home with his wife. He had been with her for over thirty years and he felt it was his duty to try to help her. He did all he could for her but she continued to get worse and finally, she refused to leave the house except for a doctor's appointment or some emergency. Those also became rare and finally, she left not at all.

We began to talk during our breaks at the gym and I learned more about him and Joyce. I apologized for not visiting Joyce more but he simply said he understood. He told me all of their story and I found myself feeling sympathy for him. My heart melted at the sadness I saw in him. I wanted to help him but all I could do was let him talk. I listened and became more and more sorry for him. I wished there were more I could do to help but I was helpless to change anything for him.

I found Bill to be a charming man, and once I noticed, a very well built man with a good body and a flat stomach. I also have to admit, I noticed a nice bulge in the tight gym shorts he wore. I especially noticed that it got bigger after he had spent some time talking to me. That started some thoughts in my head that had been missing for some time. The only real problem with that was that when Bill was out of my sight, so were those thoughts. My husband didn't cause them to reoccur in the evenings and they lay dormant until I saw Bill again at the gym. Those thoughts got me to thinking.

The next time Bill and I were together, watching Phil work out, I got up my courage and asked him about his love life with Joyce. He seemed embarrassed at first but finally, told me that there was no love life any more. Joyce had no interest and refused him whenever he made an attempt. She got angry if he tried now and called him names if he persisted. He had finally given up and no longer considered her a wife except in name only, but he was too much of a man to divorce a sick and needy woman, especially one he had loved.

That night at home, I made my decision. I knew what I could do to help Bill and at the same time, help myself. In my own mind it was so clear: if only Bill could arouse those feelings in me and if Bill was forced into chastity by a frigid wife, then I could help both of us at the same time. It was so simple! I would offer to have sex with Bill for his satisfaction as well as mine since I couldn't become aroused by my husband and he couldn't satisfy his cravings with his wife. It was a perfect solution to our problems! It was so clear to me at that point in my life, so very simple.

At no time did I consider what I was going to do as cheating on my husband. I couldn't get aroused by my husband so I was not meeting his needs and he couldn't meet mine, so, in my own mind I thought that this way I could regain my own desires and maybe they would carry over into my marriage bed. That would be a good thing for Jeff, wouldn't it? Bill could get some satisfaction with my body, and that would be a good thing for him. Hopefully, I was going to get some satisfaction from Bill gauging from the way his pants bulged out when he was talking to me. It seemed to me to be a clear win-win situation! With that thought, it was settled.

The following day, I went to the gym with Phillip and Bill was already there. I watched him work out, admiring his body as it glistened with his sweat. I wanted to reach out and rub those shining wet muscles and feel that bulge in his trunks so badly that I felt things I hadn't felt in months, perhaps even years. I was horny! I was actually getting turned on by watching Bill's body! God! I knew then I had made the right decision.

Once he was through with his workout, I talked to Bill and told him what I had decided. He listened, his mouth curved up in a wide smile and he actually blushed! He was almost comically grateful and said he had wanted to make a move on me for months but was afraid to do so, fearing it would ruin our friendship. He had some reservations, doing this behind Jeff's back but I explained our lack of love making and he seemed to accept that. Actually, Bill would have accepted anything I told him just to get into my pants. I understood that. I knew men and Bill was all man!

We made plans the first time to meet at my house. Bill would tell Joyce he had to go somewhere, drive around the block, park his car and walk through the back gate and into the house. No one could see him once he entered the yard and no one would be interested in him anyway. Jeff would be at work as usual, Phil was going to be gone all day on a trip to one of the local colleges with his senior class, so I would be alone.

I waited in the kitchen, watching the backyard that morning until I saw him come in, close the gate and almost run to the back door. I held the door open and he came in without slowing down. It wasn't until he stopped and turned that he noticed I had on only a robe. I stood there, grinning at him and when his breathing had slowed, I untied the belt, letting the robe fall open. Underneath, I was naked and freshly shaved between my legs. I had always kept myself shaved but lately I had been neglecting it. Not today! He let out a groan, almost a sob as his eyes roamed over my naked body. I admit to being turned on by his admiration and I pushed the robe from my shoulders letting it fall to the floor. I stood there, naked and fully exposed to this man who was my neighbor and Jeff's friend. I let him devour me with his eyes, feeling no shame and no regret.

He waited only seconds before walking over to me, pulling my body against his and pressing his mouth over mine. He was not gentle and that turned me on even more. I accepted his tongue into my mouth, my own meeting and dueling with his. I was beginning to get warm when I felt his hand grip my mound hard, one finger slipping inside my warmth. It was a shock and for the first time, I wondered if I had truly thought this out. That thought was lost as he jammed another finger inside and began to finger-fuck me with hard, driving strokes of his hand. I came almost immediately from his onslaught and I felt my knees begin to weaken.

As I came down from my climax, Bill had already dropped his pants and his shorts and was pushing me back against the counter. I was helpless to stop him and he lifted me up with his hands under my naked ass and pulled me against him. When I felt his erection pushing against me, I held my breath. He pulled me onto his cock which he then jammed inside me. I wrapped my legs around his hips as he drove me hard against the counter, my back slamming into the edge as his cock drove into me over and over. I heard myself screaming at him to fuck me harder and harder and he answered with a growl of pure primal lust.

I was almost unconscious from the shear pleasure when I felt him stop plunging inside me and his body become rigid. He pulled almost out of me, than with a growl, jammed inside again as deep as he could where he stopped and held himself as his seed spewed inside me. The feeling of his scalding hot cum inside where nothing had been for so long brought my own orgasm and I gripped his hips with my legs holding him against me as I let my own climax run its course. We came down together, both of us spent and sated. I let my legs relax and fall to the floor as Bill lowered my body back down.

I moved back, one hand holding the sperm inside me until I could make it to the bathroom. Bill watched me go, his own pants laying on the floor beside him. I closed the door and let the cum inside begin to seep out of me and I then cleaned what I could with toilet paper until I felt clean enough to put my panties back on. I would shower later, but for now, I was OK. I walked back out to find Bill dressed again and sitting at the table, looking cautiously at me. I smiled, walked over to kiss his cheek and sat down opposite him.

"Thank you Bill. That was more than I could hope for. You were wonderful and I enjoyed it very much. I hope this is just the first of many times we can help each other."

"No, please, thank you Essie. I never expected that to happen. I have never cum so hard in my life. You are a wonderful lover and I agree that this should be only the first of many. Do you think we could do this again tomorrow, at the same time?"

"I think we can. Phil will be in school and we can make it upstairs to the bedroom the next time. This time was too quick but it was wonderful. I think we can be more comfortable in bed. We can take more time to get to know each other and find ways to make the other happy."

That was the beginning of our affair which continued almost daily until the end of the school year. After that, we were more careful and the frequency began to decrease until we got together once or twice a week and sometimes less. Bill was still a wonderful lover and I enjoyed our time together. The only problem was that nothing I did carried over into my husband's bed. I still had no desire to make love with him and I felt nothing I was doing was wrong. I knew that I was not thinking correctly but I didn't care. I didn't want to give up Bill and I didn't want to make love with my husband Jeff. As a matter of fact, I got angry at Jeff because he couldn't turn me on like Bill.

The one thing I knew was that I didn't love Bill and the thought of living with him was not one I would ever entertain. I loved Jeff; that was a surprise that I wasn't even aware of until it was too late. But I did know that in my heart and although it didn't stop me from doing what I was doing with Bill, it kept me feeling safe, knowing I had the love of my husband Jeff to fall back on. Funny that I never doubted that; the thought that I could lose my husband not even a glimmer on my radar.

The summer ended, Phillip went off to college and Jeff continued to work predictable hours leaving me and Bill more time to have our sexual liaisons. Things were slowly ending with Bill and we both knew it but we still got together as often as we could. We sometimes just did oral for each other, the effort of full sex not worth our time. I loved the way Bill did it and often just let him go at me as long as he liked. I would blow him if he asked but I didn't really enjoy it very much. He seemed content to do me and I let him.

That's what he was doing when Jeff walked in and caught us.

In retrospect, I remember it like it was just an hour ago. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, my blouse open where Bill had been fondling my breasts. He had pushed me back, dropped to his knees and lifted my skirt up to my waist. He unbuckled his pants and pushed them down, then knelt in front of me and yanked my panties off. He held them up in triumph and grinned at me. I grinned back and opened my legs, letting him have room to begin to eat me out. I leaned back enjoying what he was doing and I let my body respond, the climax still a ways away. I was just beginning to feel the stirrings of lust when I felt Bill jerk and pull away. I opened my eyes and as the lust died, I stared into the eyes of my husband, Jeff, standing there.

Now, as I look back on it, certain things remain clear and precise. The first time I looked into his eyes, I saw disgust and anger. Then, as I watched, I saw the anger begin to be replaced with something else. It took a minute, then I recognized it. I had seen it a few times before in my life with Jeff. It was pain. Pain coupled with sadness. I can't begin to tell you what that felt like: to see that pain and that sadness and to know that I was the cause of it. Nothing in my life hurt as much as that knowledge. Not even the loss of my parents when they died in a fiery car crash. That look, the one I saw that day will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. As bad as that memory was, it was far less then the one that happened a few minutes later.

Bill dressed and ran from the house with only a quick, "I'm so damned sorry." I watched him go, blood dripping down his chin, understanding that for the first time in almost a year, I felt nothing for him. I cared nothing about what might happen to him as I slowly walked up the steps to find Jeff. I don't believe at that point that I understood what had happened and how my life was going to change. I only knew that I had to go to my husband and try to explain.

I walked into the bedroom and stopped in total shock. My husband, the man I loved with all my heart, the man that provided a strong, loving home for me and our son, was kneeling on the floor, his head in his hands, sobbing, his heart broken. I almost died myself then. At that instant, all I wanted was for God to take me. Take me then and let me not have to see what I caused for my husband. My heart broke at what I had done to this man.

I went to him, knelt on the floor behind him and held him in my arms. I held him tight, whispering softly to him that it would be all right, that it would be all right. I had to tell him, I had to let him know: "I'm so sorry, Jeff. I'm so sorry." Over and over, holding him and waiting for him to hear me and understand. I wanted only to comfort, to love him as a wife should.

He pushed me away! He pushed me back and away as if he couldn't stand my touch! He was angry and in his anger, he said words that still echo inside my head when my eyes close and everything becomes quiet. He said words that caused my world to stop, to change forever! His words:

"Take your filthy hands off me! And get away from me; you stink of sex and you make me sick!"

They say when you die, your whole life flashes in front of you. That could well be true because I think a lot inside me died that day, but my whole life didn't flash in front of my eyes; just the things I lost. My life with Jeff, my home, the times we spent as a family, the dreams we shared for our future, our plans for our retirement years. All the things I loved and cherished: all those things that we shared together. Those are the things that died that day. And part of me died with them.

Epilogue

Today I'm sitting here in a small apartment that I rent from month to month. I could afford better since Jeff left me comfortable, but I have no desire for anything better. In front of me are the final divorce papers, telling me that my marriage is forever gone. Jeff has moved on with his life, now in Miami, the place we both dreamed about. It seems like that was forever ago, but actually was only a year or so. I saw the note after he left that day, those words almost screaming at me at what I was to lose. It was lying on the floor near the scene of my debauchery. So simple: . .our dream location. I love you. Jeff .

My apathy and my disinterest has returned, banished for a short time by my betrayal of my husband, then by my losing fight to regain my marriage to Jeff. I fought the good fight but I was hampered by his refusal to talk to me or try to understand what I did. It took some time for me to understand that the why was never important. The facts were, especially to Jeff. And what could I really say to him? After all, I did it and I continued to do it even after my rationalization of trying to restart our love life faded away. It was OK to lie to myself after all but I couldn't lie to him. Not after what I did to him.

Our son Phillip hated what I did but he eventually forgave me. He is my only connection to what I used to have: a life with a man who loved me and who I loved back with a fierce passion. Why that passion deserted me for a time is still a mystery that I fail to understand. Over and over I search for a reason, any reason, but none comes. But it's too late now anyway so why dwell on it? My life now is much as it was before Jeff ended it. I go nowhere, I do nothing, I think of little else but what I lost. I never see Bill anymore and don't want to. I sit and think and remember what once was.

Mostly, I remember my thoughts as I decided to have my affair with Bill. It was so clear, so simple then. I thought of the good things that could happen; I thought of the plus's and the minus's, the pleasure I wanted and could enjoy, but I never once thought of the consequences of what I was going to do. I never once thought of what could go wrong: what bad things might happen. I thought of everything that I could gain from it but never once did I think of what I might lose.

Consequences are a bitch!