Consequences - Estelle

Louis crawled to the front seat, looked out the window and turned to wave goodbye.

"Take care babe. The coast is clear so you can take your time. I'll wait to hear from you."

With that, he opened the driver's side door and slipped out. After a few minutes, I dressed, cleaned myself up as best I could and crawled to the front. I started the van and drove home, my heart still pounding and my stomach doing its best to force the contents into the light of day. I cursed myself and my weakness all the way home.

I put the groceries away and made dinner for Victor and the twins. The girls would be home from school by 3:30 and Victor would be early tonight. He had called to say he was leaving at 4:30 so he would be home by 5:00. That was not typical for a weekday. The girls were in their last year of high school and usually had things going on but not today. Victor didn't have court this Wednesday so it was a short day. And my day had been anything but typical.

Alicia and Beverly came home as usual with a flurry of words dealing with everything from classes to boys to plans to clothes. They went up to their room to do whatever they did until dinnertime. I watched them go with a fondness that was one of the things that kept me going now. I felt a little thrill of sadness, but it passed quickly. I still had them and they weren't clouded by the guilt I felt or the coldness that Victor sometimes displayed toward me. They were truly innocents.

Victor came home right at five and went past me into the office he kept here at home. He spent some time in there while I set the table and wondered. He often did this when he was working on a case that had him bothered. But he hadn't mentioned one lately and I forced myself to continue with dinner preparations.

We had dinner as a family, with questions and answers and plans and such passing around the table along with the food. We always had dinner together, no excuses, when Victor could get home on time. That was most of the time now that he was a senior partner. It was one of the rules he insisted on and one that we all honored without problem. It was one of the highlights of my day now.

By nine that evening, the girls had gone to their room to finish up phone calls and such before settling down with their music or TV, leaving Victor and me alone. Since my affair had come to light, it had become a quiet time for me since Victor talked to me less and less. I tried but he responded less and less. I still tried.

"How was your day today? Are you working on a new case or is that one about the extortion still active. You haven't mentioned it lately."

Victor put the paper he was reading down and just looked at me. I was about to repeat what I said when he answered.

"No, it's still active. It goes to trial next week. It should be a short one. It's about a guy who couldn't resist temptation. He saw what he wanted and he took it, not caring who he hurt. He was just too weak I guess. Should be easy to win."

The way he said that, looking at me all the while made me shudder inside. He seemed so distant and so cold. Immediately the guilt rose to the surface but I quickly suppressed it, knowing that there was no way he could have known what happened today. I just returned his look, feigning innocence. I should be good at it by now. But, inside I was churning and my stomach was knotted with guilt and anxiety. Betrayal wasn't easy to live with.

Victor returned to his paper and we said no more to each other for the remainder of that evening. Just before bed, Victor did go into his office but he closed the door so I went to bed later, alone. That night, my dreams were not pleasant and betrayal made sleep difficult to find. I waited for Victor but he never came.

I was still alone when I woke up the next morning. His side of the bed was still made so he hadn't come to bed at all last night. That was strange, so I rose, dressed and checked the bathroom, confirming that he hadn't used it since yesterday. I checked on the girls to be sure they were getting ready for school and went downstairs. I glanced at the door to his office and it was still closed. Knowing how he felt about it, I didn't knock or try to open it. Victor preferred we all stay out of there.

I fixed breakfast, which was hot cereal for the girls and coffee for me. Victor usually skipped everything and went straight to work, getting what he wanted at the cafeteria in his building. I waited while the girls finished and then followed them to the door and waited till the bus picked them up. They wanted cars, or at least one for them to share, but Victor said not until they had graduated. He stayed firm regardless of how they worked their wiles on him. I knew he wanted to give them each a new car for graduation and had made arrangements with the local dealer.

Now that I was alone, I sat in the kitchen, drinking my coffee and staring at the door to his office. He had to be in there. His car was still in the garage and his jacket was still by the door. I didn't see his briefcase, but he probably had that in there with him. I sat, building my courage. If he didn't appear in the next ten minutes, I was going in.

Twenty minutes later, I stood and walked through the room to his office door. I stood there, considering. If he was in there and working, he would be furious with me but still, I needed to know. If he wasn't in there, I would just close the door and walk away. But either way, I had to know.

I held my breath and twisted the knob. The door opened, so it wasn't locked. I pushed it part way and peeked in. I saw the back of Victor's head as he sat in his big leather chair, facing the fireplace. He had just fallen asleep! That's all it was. I opened the door wide and walked in, saying his name.

"Victor? Victor, wake up! It's past 8:00 and you fell asleep here in your office. Come on, now, wake up."

I moved around the chair and faced him, expecting him to wake and be slightly angry at first, but then grateful when he saw the time. But neither happened. He continued to sit there with his eyes closed. I bent to put my hand on his shoulder to shake him but suddenly noticed that he seemed to be more than asleep! I felt his face and found it to be cold. I recoiled in shock and staggered backward, almost falling over the footstool. I caught myself and stood there, staring at him, the panic bubbling up inside me.

I finally got up enough nerve to go to him and put my finger under his chin directly on the artery. I got no pulse! I tried again and again, but still nothing. I shook him and called his name over and over but he just sat there moving only when I pushed or pulled him. He was dead!

I must have collapsed because I can remember nothing until I came to, laying on the floor of his office. It came back to me in a flood and I leaped up to see him still sitting there, not moving and not breathing. How long had I been there? Was it too late? I was about to call 911 when I saw the bottle on his desk. I went to it and picked it up. It was a bottle of the prescription sleeping pills he got when we were having so much trouble. He used them for a week or so then stopped, saying they were too strong. The bottle was now empty.

I looked at the envelope that was laying there under the bottle and it had my name written in Victor's bold script. An envelope addressed to me? I picked it up, looked inside to find a single sheet of paper. I pulled it out and read it. It was very short and simple.

Estelle,

I wondered whether I could live without you, but hoped I would never have to make that decision. When you first betrayed me, I considered divorce, but I loved you so much I had no choice but to give you another chance. Today, in the van with that man, you made the decision for me. You can't be faithful and I can't live without you. I can't divorce you and I won't share you, so I'm left with no choice.

I have made arrangements for the girls' trust fund and for their college tuition and cars for each of them on graduation. Please don't let them know why I did this. Just let them think I had too many problems.

You will be taken care of in my will. I hope you can find what you are looking for. I'm sorry I was not able to give you what you needed.

Victor

I let the letter flutter to the floor. He knew! He knew what I had done that day in the van with Louis. He knew of my betrayal and that was the last thing on his mind when he decided to kill himself. My betrayal was the last thought in his mind. I knelt in front of him and took his cold hands in mine. I placed them on his knees and I covered them with mine, trying to give them some of my warmth. I put my head on his lap and cried for the love of my life that I had driven away; forever. I cried for myself, for my daughters who lost a father who loved them, for their innocence that died along with him, and for the life that I had hoped to spend with him.

I stayed there that way until almost time for the girls to come home. Then, I began to think again. They couldn't see him this way! I had to destroy the letter before calling 911. I couldn't let the police see that letter! I would simply tell them that there was no letter. I had to protect the girls! And myself. I rose, took care of what I had to do and then called 911. I told the operator to send the police but not to worry about a medical team. I told her he had been dead most of the day and night.

The next few days were terrible. The death of their father hit the girls very hard. It should have been the best time of their life, and then this. I stayed with them and did all I could to help them through it and they leaned on my help and the help of their friends. They could never forget but they finally began to accept. That was the advantage of youth.

Victor was buried in a plot in the cemetery where his mother and father were buried. I was raised in the system as an orphan so I had no parents. He had purchased the plots for us right after his parents died and planned that we both be buried side by side. He was laid to rest on a dark, rainy day in May. I and my daughters and a few of Victor's friends from the firm were there and the service was simple and quick. I accepted the well wishes of people and pretended to be coping as expected. The girls were better at it and I let them deal with things. Finally it was over.

At home, there were the inevitable casseroles and dishes from neighbors and friends, food enough to feed an army. I put it away as best I could until I ran out of room. The rest of it I threw away. But, finally, the last guest had left and the last casserole had been put in the fridge and we were alone. The girls wanted to know if it would be OK for them to stay overnight with one of their friends. They wanted to get out of the house and try to get back on track. I agreed and let them go, assuring them I would be fine.

After the girls left, I checked the windows and doors and took myself up to bed. It was the first night I had spent alone since I found Victor. I took a shower, dried off and put on an old terry robe that Victor had given me for one of our anniversaries. I wore it over and over until it was ragged and frayed, but I still loved it. In the silence, I sat down at the dressing table to brush my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw and I began to swear. I screamed at my reflection and swore at the person I saw there. The one that had destroyed everything. I hated her. I hated everything about her. I continued until I ran out of words, then I cried uncontrollably for what seemed to be forever. It was the first time I had cried since I found him.

Once I had calmed down, I gathered what control I had left and I looked deep in my eyes and made two promises to myself and to God. I swore on all that was holy that I would carry out those promises without excuse. I immediately felt a wave of calm sweep over me and for the first time in a long time that night I slept without dreams or nightmares. I slept through the night and woke the next morning with a new purpose.

True to his word, Victor had made all the arrangements for the girls and for me in his will. He had asked one of his law partners to execute the estate so everything was taken care of and all we had to do was survive without him. But we did. As time passed, the girls graduated high school, got their cars and made plans to go off to college in the fall. We spent many hours planning, writing applications, waiting for replies and then finalizing plans. We drove to the college and saw the rooms and then went shopping for what they would need. Victor was never far from their thoughts and each time they made a decision, they asked him what he thought. He never answered, but it seemed as though he was a part of it all.

For myself, I dedicated my life to helping the girls reach their goals and making a good home for them. I was there for them when they needed me and I let them know that all they had to do was ask. I had a few women friends that I spent time with but mostly, I tended the home. I had no men friends and I wanted none. I never saw Louis again.

The girls went to college, did well, graduated in four years and then went on to follow their dreams. Alicia was a teacher and got a job teaching grade school in a nice school system close to home. Beverly went into fashion design and got a job with a designer she liked and was beginning to learn. They were both happy. I saw them often for a while until they began to immerse themselves in their new lives. That was as it should be. I followed them all the way.

It was one day in early fall when they had come home for the wedding of one of their friends that I had a chance to speak with them. I sat them down in the kitchen where we could sit together and asked them the question I needed answered.

"Girls, I want to ask each of you a question and I want your honest answer. The question is simple: Are you happy and is there anything that you want from me that I haven't given you?"

They looked at each other and Alicia spoke first. "Since Dad died, you have done more than anyone could expect. You made everything better and made sense when the world seemed crazy. When Dad died, you were there for us and we never saw you cry once. We knew you did, but you never let us see it. And yes, I am happy. Happier than I ever expected to be. Thank you mom."

Beverly spoke next. "I agree with everything Alee said. You have been great and I am happy. As happy as I could be. Thank you mom."

I listened with gratefulness as they spoke. I needed to hear them say these things and to let me know without doubt that I had fulfilled the first of those two promises I made so long ago. I had promised myself that they would never feel the pain that I had caused their father and that they would be happy and fulfilled as he wished. With their words, I knew that I had honored his wish and my promise.

"Thank you girls. Your answers mean more to me than you can ever know. And I thank you for being the wonderful women you have become. Your father is proud of you."

We hugged and cried together but in the end, they went off to the wedding and finally returned to their own new lives where they belonged. That was fine with me as I had several things I needed to do and the time to do them was now. I set up a schedule in my own mind and made my plans.

It was almost five months since I had my talk with the girls when I got wind from one of my few friends that there was a surprise birthday party in the works for my forty- fifth birthday in two weeks. She let it slip that the girls had everything almost ready. It was to be a surprise at my home and they were going to set it up by giving me a birthday gift of a visit to my beauty salon. While I was there, they would get everything ready at the house. It was an all day thing of course that I intended to use. The timing was perfect and I was delighted.

By the day of my party, I had everything done that I had intended. I was content now and wanted only to spend the coming time with my friends and my girls. I was actually looking forward to being 'surprised'. So, off to the parlor I went, pretending to be totally unsuspecting. As promised, it took more than four hours, time which I fully enjoyed. I looked very nice if I do say so.

I drove home and readied myself for my surprise. I walked up to my door, used my key and entered to the loud chorus of "Surprise!" I gave it my all and it must have satisfied my daughters since they seemed delighted. I hugged both of them, told them how grateful I was and the party began. It went for several hours and I used the time to say hello to several friends I hadn't seen for a while. I was glad for the opportunity.

As for all good things, the party was over and things quieted down. The girls left for an evening with their friends and I walked them out, saying again how much I had enjoyed this party. I hugged and kissed both of them, in thanks. They left happy. I watched them leave and went back inside and shut the door. I left it unlocked for them when they came home.

I put the house in order, went upstairs to my bedroom and made my preparations. I took the letter I had addressed to the girls detailing exactly what I had done and why Victor took his own life and set it on the dresser in clear view. I had to tell them. They had to know. Maybe they would hate me, but it was important that I tell them everything I had done to them and to Victor.

I placed a copy of my will beside the letter in a plain brown envelope where they would see it. It left everything to the two of them.

I placed the copy of my last wishes next to the other two, asking them to bury me next to their father as he originally planned. I hoped they would honor that request but I also left it up to them if they chose not to. I forgave them in any event.

Finally, I showered, being careful of my hair and face and dressed in my nicest pajamas and robe. It was a set that Victor gave to me at Christmas, our last year together. I had never worn them, saving them until my others wore out. Now, I wanted him to see me in them, as he never did when he was alive. With my new hairdo, my fresh new face and sleepwear, and a dash of the perfume Victor loved, I was ready. I turned out all the lights except the one next to the bed.

I went back into the bathroom and took down the bottle of pills that I had been carefully hoarding. They were sedatives and I had filled the prescription twice without taking any of them. I saved them for this occasion. There were more than enough according to what I had found on the internet. I shook them out into my hand and proceeded to take them a few at a time with sips of water. It took me a few minutes, but I got them all down. I turned out the light and walked back to the bed. I lay on top of the spread and composed myself. I had a few minutes before the pills would take effect.

I had fulfilled the first promise I made to myself which was the same one Victor and I made the day the girls were born. That they would be happy. They had their lives and they were safely on their way. While I knew this would be hard on them, they were now fully grown and once they understood the reasons for both their father and I, they would understand better. But, the pain I had lived with for the past seven years was too much for me to continue. I was now ready to fulfill the second promise I made that day.

I promised myself that once I made sure that the girls were happy and had all I could give them, I would go to Victor and ask him to forgive me. I had done all I could to honor him and his promise to the girls since he left me. Now, I just wanted him to forgive me. But to do that, I had to find him. The only way I knew how was to travel the same path he took.