Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy Theories

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Who is this man, Oscar Meyer, and why does everyone want to be his weiner?

Of course, one can argue that obsession with conspiracy theories serves only to demonstrate the lunatic paranoia running rife in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries. Much talk about conspiracies is dismissed as paranoia and much of it IS paranoia, but in reality, history has proved all too well that politicians lie, presidents lie and bureaucrats lie. If we continue to be gullible and believe everything that is presented to us, the truth will never come out it becomes not only interesting and revealing, but an absolute priority to question authority and, more specifically, the authoritarians.

We can believe that American CIA assassinated the president of Chile, but can't accept that they might assassinate their own?

How is it we can accept without question that Tony Blair's smile is really as wide as it appears?

Why can we accept that the government might experiment on citizens with syphilis, plutonium, and nerve gas, but not the aids virus?

Why did German populace accept in the first place that Hitler was trustworthy?

It cannot be denied that controversy has often accompanied many of the pivotal turning points of Western civilization. Many major events, for better or worse, have occurred as the result of people behind the scenes who have held the keys to the actions of the world. Startling discoveries, often-stretching back far into history, can affect the way our thought processes and behavior patterns are conducted. Read on...

It goes without saying that former U.S. President Bill Clinton is not what he appears to be. But startling new evidence may point to the fact that he is neither a human no an alien. Manufactured, patented and operated jointly by the FBI and a certain famous cartoon company, Bill Clinton is actually a robot.

Of course, it is only an indication of the superiority of current technology that he appears almost identical to a human, and what is more, is able to fool people in everyday situations. He can, for example, communicate with others on his own. During his presidency his foreign politics were resolved by his creators, as are his domestic programs. Clinton's notorious sexual escapades only make him seem more human. What is more, the choice of Al Gore as his vice president served to make him look positively superhuman. Some right-wing groups became aware of the robotic nature of the former president. But the facts are so bizarre that they were reluctant to go public and risk their own heads, so they tried to bring him down by more conventional means. Clinton is rarely allowed out in the rain for fear of a short circuit.

Clinton is not our only public figure that could simply be said to be a government conspiracy. The claims that Santa is the devil is a little frightening as he infiltrates our western culture and our children's minds every Christmas time. Santa gets away with it because his methods are so subtle. He still frightens kids; it's just that he does so on their own terms. The warning that, if they aren't good, Santa won't bring them any presents isn't so far off from religious threats that unless you do X, Y or Z you will go to hell.

And there's more. Santa comes down a chimney. And the devil apparently lives in a pit of hell-fire. No one has ever been to and returned alive from either hell or Santa's workshop. The fact that Santa commands adoration from small children and the devil from certain heavy-metal listeners is beside the point, especially when one considers that Santa's reindeer have cloven feet.

And most disturbingly of all, Santa's name can be no mistake. It is not a well-disguised anagram of Satan, which surely is not mere coincidence. Who can tell which Christmas time Santa will choose to reveal his true identity?

These are just two well-known conspiracy theories. The archetypal conspiracy theory might go something like this; their is a clandestine secret society in our midst...they are alien to all we believe in and are about to seize control of the world...they are everywhere...they are ruthless and powerful...they are sexually corrupt...they perform the most heinous crimes known to mankind.

Belief in conspiracy theories is more than just the belief in an occasional underhand plot. It is a belief system that asserts that world events are being governed in secret by a group of ultra powerful puppeteers behind the scenes.

Maybe you have never noticed. Maybe you have patience of saintly proportions and maybe these things don't irritate you. But it has been pointed out that every time you buy something at the supermarket, the cashier will hand you your change, first with the notes, then the coins on top of them.

This means unless you can perform some superhuman feat, you either have to crumple it all up into a ball or else perform the singularly pointless task of bringing your other hand up to separate the notes from the coins. And don't let yourself be persuaded into thinking that this is just a mere logistical error. This is a conspiracy. They do it to annoy the hell out of you.

One of the greatest conspiracies of the modern world is the fact that hot dogs come in packets of ten and hog dog buns come only in packets of eight. This may sound trivial, but when one starts to consider the marketing strategy involved, the amount of money being dealt with is quite staggering. Here's how it works.

You buy a packet of hot dogs and then you buy a packet of buns. Now you have two spare hot dogs and must buy another packet of buns to make the difference. Now you have six loose buns...and so on and so forth. The two companies must have been in cooperation for some time now and have us all wrapped around their collective little fingers. Innocuous as it all may sound, when you consider the billions made by the two companies, it does make you wonder at what point they will strike and take over the world.