Curve Balls

Sean... you are adorable. If I wasn't with Taz I would have stolen you away right there and then. I can't believe you are still single. The guys were you live must be all deaf and blind. You have such an amazingly sexy voice...what IS that accent... just a hint but OMG how sexy. And your eyes... woohoo. I looked into my crystal ball and predict you won't be single for long. There was A LOT of attention coming your way.

The rest of you were pretty much exactly as I had imagined you. Nikki and Alex, you guys are made for each other. Nikki you are an absolute saint.... you should worship him Alex, he's the only one who would put up with you... you are a TERRIBLE FLIRT.

Anyway, my angel is snuggling up to me looking so tired, but still good enough to eat... so I had better go eat him before he passes out. Lots of love and kisses.

Reply by Minuteman: June 29 2008: 23.12

I am NOT a terrible flirt... I am a really good one.  Seriously, it was fab to finally put a face to a name... well two actually. You were certainly not what Nikki and I had expected. You two are gods. No wonder Taz was so smitten with you. We've heard you rant on so much about how gorgeous he is, you kept us completely in the dark about you. You're a stud dude. And you make such a cute couple. I wish Nikki would look at me the way you two look at each other. *sigh* Young love.... 

You were so made for each other. Both of you are good enough to eat. Would never know to look at you what geeks you are. I wish you hadn't let Taz wear those trousers though. I have always had a thing for leather. I don't know if you noticed but I had to carry my coat in front of me the whole day. Fuck man... no consideration for the rest of us! He's a loaded weapon.

Anyway... yeah was good to get to meet you all. Maybe we shouldn't wait a whole year before doing it again. Now that you have our number Joe, give us a ring sometime.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.42

I'm really sorry about Saturday. Jay was completely out of order. I should have known. He was sulky because he didn't want to come and when he's in that kind of mood he goes looking for trouble. I'm really, really sorry it got so out of hand. It's been brewing for a while and I was so chuffed meeting you all. I think sometimes he doesn't like to see me happy.

Anyway... here's my big news... I ditched him. Being with you guys, seeing the way you are with each other, seeing what else is out there.... it made me realise that I am too good for this crap. He's always been the same, always tearing me down, spoiling anything that is good for me. So... I have to say thank you. Thank you for letting me see what real relationships are supposed to be like. Thank you for supporting me and making me realise that I am better than that. Thank you for giving me the strength to do what I should have done a long time ago.

And Joe, I have to say a really special thank you to Taz. He was really sweet to me. He came in and found me sobbing in the toilet and put me back together again. He's special. You're lucky. I hope one day that I will find someone like him, or like you... like any of you. Thanks.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.28

You okay? I have to admit that I was hoping you would get rid of that asshole. You can do so much better.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.35

I thought you hated me.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.42

I do but no one deserves to be treated like that. If you want to talk about it call me.

Reply by Mintos: June 29 2008: 23.50

Was that a proposition?

Reply by AngelEyes: June 29 2008: 23.58

Don't get carried away. I still hate you but I've been through my own shit and I know it can make a difference to know there's someone there. I may hate you but, after all this time, I do kind of care..... kind of.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 17.45

OMG! Those curve balls just keep on coming. What have I done to deserve this? Just when everything was going so well. Oh God! Oh God! I am in a state. I don't know what to do.

Calm down Joe and talk sense. Oh God this is hard. I went to work this morning, after a GREAT night, if you know what I mean. Taz was going to the doctor's appointment and I didn't think anything of it until it was getting on for lunchtime and he still hadn't shown for work.

I started to get a bit worried and I called him. He sounded really weird but he said he was okay and he'd be there soon. Told me he couldn't talk right then. I was slightly miffed to be honest and curious but... hey, I've learned my lesson when it comes to Taz and his secrets.

And then... then... It was about three o'clock and Taz called. I didn't take the call because I was being bollocked by Roach at the time and so I rang him back about ten minutes later. He was crying and... I thought at first that something had happened, you know an accident or something and I went a bit crazy. In the end it was he who had to calm me down enough to listen to what he had to say.

It seems that when he went to the doctors this morning they were worried about some things and they sent him straight to the hospital for some tests. When he rang me they had just told him they wanted to admit him and he was panicking. Well... I panicked too. I dropped everything and just walked out. I went straight to the hospital and by the time I got there they had actually fucking admitted him.

We talked to this doctor who said that they think he has something wrong with his heart. They think it could be the virus. They're doing more tests as we speak and I am frigging FREAKING OUT. I am all alone in this room, with no one telling me what's going on and it's been over an hour and I just want him to be here. I want him to be okay.

FUCK What am I going to do if something happens to him? What am I going to do?

Reply by BobiDazzler: June 30 2008: 17.59

Keep it together man. What a shock! Look... I'm sure everything is going to be alright. Keep us posted. I'll let everyone know. We're all thinking of you, both of you.

JOE'S BLOG: JUNE 30 2008: 21.15

Ah shit man! What a fucking day. I'm sitting here, at home, all alone, thinking... what the hell? They made me come home. They said there was nothing I could do there. Well, maybe so, but I could have BEEN there. No chance of sleep tonight.

I wanted to stay, oh God I wanted to stay. They said...what's the use of just sitting there watching him sleep? Have they ever done that? Have they ever watched the cute way his eyelashes flutter when he's dreaming, got lost in that beautiful face and found that hours have passed? Have they ever stroked his face and smiled at the way he murmurs and snuggled into your hand? I have.

I'm at least allowed to go back first thing in the morning. I can't bear to be away from him. If I thought the house seemed empty before, how much more so now? I keep picking up his things and just holding them, smelling his scent on his clothes.... I called Siani and she asked me if I wanted to go stay there tonight, but I need to be on my own..... apart from your guys of course.

I'm scared guys, scared. I feel dead inside... lost. He is the better part of me, my safety, my security. Without him I have nothing.

Reply by StudMuffin: June 30 2008: 22.30

Fuck! Didn't see that coming! So sorry man. Give me a ring if you feel like talking. Keep your chin up mate. I'm sure he'll be alright. He looks fragile but he's a strong one, I could tell.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 30 2008: 22.50

God. What can I say? I'm here for you, for both of you. I'm not that far away. Do you want me to come keep you company?

Reply by Mintos: June 30 2008: 22.56

Yeah, I'm sure Sean could think of ways of taking your mind off things.

Reply by AngelEyes: June 30 2008: 23.18

Trust you! Try dragging your mind up above your belt and thinking of something else for a change. I don't think that comment was appropriate Luke. Joe's got other things on his mind right now. Don't be so bloody heartless.

Reply by Mintos: June 30 2008: 23.40

Just trying to bring in a little light relief. Didn't mean to be disrespectful. Sorry Joe.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 12.18

Don't worry Luke. We all deal with things in our own way. No offence taken. I read your comments to Taz and it made him smile so... no worries.

I'm stuck here waiting again. They've taken him for more tests, been gone most of the morning. They think that the virus damaged a valve in his heart . They've been talking surgery and all sorts. I can't believe how calm he is. He just seems to take it all in his stride and HE'S reassuring ME... can you believe it. He's so strong. I'm just falling apart and he's always smiling.

The nurses are all in love with him... of course. They keep coming in to check on him and I'm sure it's more than they actually need to. One of them, this wicked hippy type says she's coming in for her dose of sunshine and he is like that. He's like sunshine on a dark day. It's such a dark day.

I'm so tired. I didn't get any sleep last night. I couldn't wait to get here this morning. I didn't care that we was still asleep. I just sat here and drank him in until he woke up and it was like the sun rising. He's just the same. He doesn't actually seem to be ill. In fact he seems better than he's been. It's hard to believe what's going on.

They've got him hooked up to all sorts of machines and I hate it. I hate to have to sit here and listen to them and worry about what I am going to do if they go bad. It's like a bad movie. I keep expecting to hear that sound, you know... like in the movies when someone dies.... I keep.... But no... I have to stop thinking that way. Taz gets cross with me ... and he always knows. He can read me like a book.

I feel so alone. I am in a building full of hundreds, maybe thousands of people and it seems as if the only ones who exist in the whole world are me and Taz... and now he's not here so it's only me.

Thanks for the call last night Nikki and Alex. It meant a lot to me. I think I might have gone insane if I hadn't spoken to you. You really calmed me down. You guys are great.

Reply by Minuteman: July 1 2008: 13.12

Hang on in there mate. Help is at hand.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 1 2008: 23.45

You guys are the best! I couldn't believe it when you walked in. You could have knocked me down with a feather. I still can't believe that you all took time out of your lives to actually come down. I'm sorry that nurse was so aggressive, she's kind of protective of ... well both of us I suppose and there were quite a crowd of you.

Taz says he's sorry he wasn't more sociable. He'd got sedated for some of the tests and wasn't really on the same planet. He was really pleased though. He didn't stop talking about it all evening.

I've just got home and I actually think I might get some sleep tonight. I'm exhausted. It's looking a bit brighter tonight. They've started him on some drugs that they think might fix things without needing surgery. Taz is delighted. They keep warning him not to get his hopes up too high but he was in his indestructible mode.

We talked about the trip and we're thinking of brining it forward to the Autumn. Taz is going to need something to keep his mind occupied and, when he comes out of the hospital he can keep busy with planning everything. It will do him good.

I am going to leave the laptop with him tomorrow, have to go into work for a couple of hours to troubleshoot. He's going to do some research. I think it will pick him up a lot because he's really bored at the moment. Yeah... I know... wouldn't believe it would you, with all this going on, with me like a crazy man around the place...he's actually bored.

Anyway, thanks again. We both really appreciated it.

Reply by Minuteman: July 1 2008: 23.50

Glad to oblige my friend. It was great to see you both again. I know it's only been a few days since The Gathering but it already feels like a very long time. It was good to speak to you. Don't thank us, it was a real pleasure. Nikki is good at that sort of thing.

It was actually Luke's idea, so for once we have him to thank (sorry Luke). He called me last night... well technically I suppose it was this morning. We picked him up on the way down and met Sean at the hospital.

Tell Taz not to worry about being sociable.... we were there to see you, not him... haha, only joking. He was sociable enough, under the circumstances. I will never forget his smile when we walked in. Or was it a shocked grimace? No, I know it was a smile. I know exactly what you mean about him being like sunshine, that is exactly what it felt like to me when he smiled, like the sun coming out.

I am glad things are starting to look more promising and I think moving the trip forward is a great idea, I only wish Nikki and I could come with you but no chance of that I'm afraid... we're both flat broke.

Keep positive, we're all thinking of you.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 00.15

I felt bad. I kept thinking about what Sean said... that I only think of myself. I suppose I do but it's only because no one else ever has. It was beautiful to see the two of you at The Gathering, how much into each other you were. And it was so clear that Taz is a wonderful person. He helped me so much over Jay. It was like a gut blow to find out that he was sick and I reacted badly. Thanks to Sean I felt really bad about it and I knew there was nothing I could say to make it up so I thought there had to be something I could DO.

Anyways... it was great to see you even if... you know. Hopefully we can make it down again next weekend. Maybe Taz will be home by then and we can invade you there. Although I have to admit that there were some cute nurses at the hospital. And no, Sean, I can't keep my mind up there for too long... it hurts.

Reply by AngelEyes: July 2 2008: 00.23

You're forgiven.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 10.20

Hey guys. It's me, Taz. Joe left me the laptop so I thought I would take a minute to say my own thank you for yesterday. I know I was a bit off planet but I really did appreciate the visit.

While I remember... when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee Luke? Are you really so blind? I know you have just come out of a bad relationship but don't miss out on something good, something that's right in front of your face because you're too scared to see it.

Feeling like shit today but I'm told that's normal with the drugs they're pushing on me so trying not to let it get me down too much. The worst thing is that they won't let me get out of bed because of all the wires and such. I am bored and stiff and sore and fed up.

It feels lonely here without Joe but I think it will do him good to go to work, be normal for a couple of hours. He's looking so tired. I feel bad about that but there's not much I can do about it. I'm really trying hard to get better as quickly as I can so that we can go home and I can make sure he gets some rest.

I've been trawling through some travel sites but I'm bored with that now. Actually I'm quite tired so I think I'll try and get some sleep... have to look my best when my man comes calling.

Thanks again for thinking of us.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 2 2008: 13.13

Hi, it's me again. Joe's got caught in work and I am bored, bored, bored. Feeling better but that just makes the frustration more acute.

Actually I am engaging in illicit activity. I have been told not to use wi fi in here as it interferes with the medical equipment. I mean, come on... techie here. I tried to explain that it's rubbish. I even looked it up on the internet but.... just between you and me I found that some GPRS and RNID signals do interfere so I resorted to lies.

Most of the nurses are completely untechnical so I just tell them that the dongle is a memory stick and I'm writing a novel. I've made up characters and everything. That's the thing about lies isn't it? They keep having to get more and more involved to stay believable. Ah well, if nothing else this experience is teaching me to be a better liar.

I have been doing some 'epic trip' research. I have found some amazing places and I have posted some pictures on the forum. Take a look and just imagine me and Joe in our shorts on that beach looking out over the sea. I would like to say we will be thinking of you but somehow I doubt it. More likely we will be thinking of getting off the beach and into our hotel room for more sweet, sweet loving.

Thanks for the heads up about Bali. It's amazing... as you will see from the fact that most of the photos are from there. I have been looking up the language and Balinese is really beautiful. Guess I have no chance of persuading Joe to learn any.... which is okay... looks like I will be having plenty of time to learn enough for both of us.

Thinking of splitting the trip in two.... one half for sheer beauty... in which Bali is winning hands down... and one half for adventure/mind broadening. I have always wanted to go to Rome... see the Coliseum and baths. I fancy a bit of Renaissance investigation in Italy too... can just see me and Joe on a gondola.

I'm rambling now... all excited, lit up like a candle. The nurse is going to be complaining about my blood pressure rising, so I had better take a break. Come to think of it I'm tired now, really tired.

Take care of Joe.

Reply by Minuteman: July 2 2008: 15.30

What a nice surprise. Glad to see you're feeling better. The pictures are amazing. I can just see the two of you in your shorts with a glass of wine in your hands, all tanned and buff, looking out at the sunset. Lucky buggers. We'll be lucky to get away for a weekend this year. You'll just have to have enough fun for all of us and post every day so that we can live vicariously through you.

Reply by StudMuffin: July 2 2008: 17.50

Not just the views eh... we want a blow by blow.... literally.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 19.43

What do you mean?

Reply by Minuteman: July 2 2008: 20.49

Ask Sean.

Reply by Mintos: July 2 2008: 21.00

Ask Sean what

Reply by AngelEyes: July 2 2008: 21.20

Ask me what?

JOES'S BLOG: JULY 3 2008: 23.49

Thanks for the calls. Sorry I haven't answered. I'm just... I feel.... Yeah.

Reply by Miuteman: July 3 2008: 23.55

No worries. Just... take care of yourself, yeah?

Reply by AngelEyes: July 4 2008: 00.12

We're here mate.

JOE'S BLOG: JULY 15 2008: 15.30

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I wanted to... I know I should have... but... well, it's taken me a long time to even be able to bear to sit at a computer again. Every time I look at a screen I feel him looking over my shoulder.

It was such a shock. He was so cheerful when I left him that morning. I gave him the laptop and told him that he really wasn't supposed to be using the wifi and he looked like a naughty schoolboy. He rang me at lunchtime (yeah he smuggled in his mobile too) and he was so full of the holiday. He wanted me to learn bloody Balinese would you believe? Well, yeah you would... you've seen the posts.

I've only just read them... I couldn't.... Oh God! Why? Why did this happen? Why, when he was getting better, when he was so full of life, so happy, so excited... why did he have to...?

I got a call at about half past one, less than half an hour after I spoke to him. They said... they said that... that Taz had taken a turn for the worse and I should get there as soon as I could. And I tried... I really tried. I dropped everything and just ran. I broke every speed limit and it's a miracle I made it alive. But I was too late. I tried so hard but I was too late.

They said his heart failed... just stopped. Maybe it was all the excitement. They said that it was very sudden and quick, that he probably didn't even know it was happening. They said they did everything they could... and I'm sure they did. But I wasn't there. He died all alone when I wasn't there.