Danica's Loves

I am sure you would not want to accept another man's child, and indeed, I wouldn't want you too.

I am returning to my parents and so, if you want to contact me you know where to find me.

I feel sure you will not be unhappy to be rid of me.

Danica.

To Giles she wrote:

My darling Giles,

I know you will be hurt and angry at this letter, but I want you to believe that I am writing and acting for your own good.

Life has been at its most wonderful and beautiful with you, but it cannot possibly go on.

I am leaving Spencer, but not to go away with you. You have much in front of you, and having me in your life will in the end only prove to be a burden for you.

I love you with all my heart, and I think I always will, and for the sake of this love I must give you up.

Please don't try to find me because it will achieve nothing if you do.

My darling, do something of worth with your life and find happiness with some other woman who can freely love you in a way I cannot.

You will always be in my heart Danica.

The taxi drew up outside the house. Danica placed the letter to Spencer on the kitchen table; the letter to Giles she posted from the airport.

The north bound aircraft took off, bearing Danica away from the place of her worst misery and her greatest joy.

Decade

Danica sat before the computer in the station office using some of the statistical knowledge she had learned at the Ag. Col.

If she remembered that it had been Spencer who taught her the memory meant little to her now.

It had been ten years since she had last seen him, and despite the fact that she was glad to get him out of her life, it had hurt, that knowing where she must have gone, he made no effort to contact her. The divorce had been dealt with solely by solicitors.

She had returned to her parents' home, and if they did not fully understand what she had been through, they accepted her and the baby.

If Spencer had ceased to haunt her life, Giles had not.

There had been plenty of jackaroos who had worked on the station who would gladly have married her, baby and all, but the memory of Giles stood between her and any would-be suitor.

Her parents had retired and gone to live in Cairns. They had wanted to sell the place, but Danica had begged them to let her try and run it. In the end they had relented and left to her to get on with it, although still taking a share of the profits.

It was a time when Australian beef was considered to be clean and green and it had been popular on the world markets, and Danica and her parents had done well.

OId Jim entered the office, a worried frown on his face.

Jim was the station foreman and had been working there for as long as Danica could remember. He and his wife, Sybil, were childless and they had been almost like an aunt and uncle to Danica.

Not renown for his garrulousness Jim came straight to the point.

"Got trouble down at Whelks Bore."

Picking up his economic manner of speech Danica said, "What?

"'Alf a dozen 'ead lyin' down. Can't get 'em up, even the dawg can't move 'em."

"Sick?"

"Reckon."

"What?"

"Dunno, ain't seen nuthink like it before. Frothin' at the mouth an' all"

"Serious?"

"Reckon."

"Vet?"

"Yeh, might spread."

"I'll give him a ring."

"I'll do it Dani. I'll go back ter the bore and take another look and I can get the symptoms right. I'll give 'im a bell an' let yer know, okay."

"Okay."

"Might be nothin' much Dan," Jim said as he left her.

She heard him start his motorized tricycle and go roaring off down the track, leaping over the corrugations and trying to avoid the potholes.

She sighed and leaned back in the chair. The station had one of the best green and clean reputations and they couldn't afford to lose it.

She returned to her statistics but was tense as she waited for Jim's call.

The bore was about five kilometres from station house and it was nearly three quarters of an hour before Jim called.

"Another three down. I've rung 'im and 'e says 'e'll fly in. Couple of hours."

"Right Jim, I'll drive down to the strip and meet him and then drive him out to the bore, you stay there and keep an eye on things."

"Okay Dani."

Danica worked on for another hour and a half, then she rose and went to another room. A girl about nine years of age was sitting at a desk with a computer at one end and a television set at the other. The girl was chewing the end of a pencil and frowning slightly.

"I've got to go down to the strip Angela," Danica said. "Aunty Sybil is in the kitchen so you'll be all right. How was the lesson?"

"Oh, all right I suppose."

The School of the Air was Angela's source of education but like most inland children she was destined to one day go to a private school in the city down south. Danica sometimes wondered if her daughter would have the same disastrous love experiences as herself.

"Who's coming in, mummy?" the girl asked.

"The vet darling, we've got some sick cattle. I must go."

She got into the station Land Rover and headed for the strip, which was only a few minutes away. As she approached the strip she saw the single engine aircraft lining up to land. It touched down and taxied towards the Land Rover. The engine stopped, there was a pause, a door at the side of the cockpit was open and the vet stepped down wearing a rucksack and carrying a black bag.

Turning to look at Danica he froze. Danica felt the blood drain from her face and for a moment she thought she was going to faint.

"Danica?" he said huskily.

"Giles, I...I didn't know it was..."

"The man who phoned me, he said the station belonged to Dan Woodhouse."

"Oh...oh...that was Jim, he always calls me Dan or Dani."

"But Woodhouse, your name is Church."

"Yes...I mean no...after I left Spencer I used my family name."

"I see." Giles suddenly became brisk.

"You've got some sick cattle?"

"Yes, we don't know what it is."

"Where?"

"Down by Whelks Bore, I'll drive you there."

In silence they got into the Land Rover and headed off for the bore. They remained silent as Danica drove, each wrapped in their own thoughts, but with a painful tension between them. This was a moment that Danica had long hoped for and yet dreaded.

She had always felt that one day she and Giles would come face to face; no matter how long it took, one day it would happen, and then there would be the accusations and attempted explanations. She felt her stomach start to churn.

She was tempted to glance at Giles, to see what his face might tell her, but she could not take her eyes from the rough track.

Jim with a couple of station hands was waiting for them at the bore.

"Another one down," he said gloomily.

"How many altogether," Giles asked.

"Ten now," Jim said.

"When did it start?"

"Can't be sure," Jim replied, "they was okay yesterday but when I got 'ere this mornin' there was six of 'em down."

Giles moved to the nearest animal and divesting himself of the rucksack and putting his bag beside it he put on a pair of surgical gloves, he knelt and began the examination.

The others looked on anxiously. There were cattle diseases that could wipe out whole herds, of alternatively the herd had to be put down and the property quarantined.

After what seemed an age Giles rose and said, "It looks as if this one has been poisoned."

"Poisoned!" Danica exclaimed, "Who would do a thing like that?"

"It may not be a matter of whom, but what," Giles said. "Have these cattle been hand fed?"

Jim scratched his buttocks and replied, "Na, no need since the drought broke."

"I'll take a look at these others, but I'm fairly sure its poison."

There was another wait and when Giles rose he said, "Yes, I'd say it was poison, but by what I can't say. Where have these cattle been grazing?"

"Last few days close to the bore," Jim said, "they was due to be moved on to Five Mile Bore termorrer."

"Have you seen anything different lately?"

"Different?'

"Any change in the feed, the grass?"

"Not that I've noticed," Jim replied, removing his hat and scratching his bald head.

"There's that stuff over by Ted's Mound, Jim," a station hand said.

"Stuff?"

"Yeh, mentioned it the other day; sort of pretty spikey looking stuff."

"Oh yeh?" Jim said.

"Where?" Giles asked sharply.

"About a quarter of a kilometre over that way," the hand said. "Ain't seen nuthin like it before."

"Show me," Giles said.

The group set off on foot towards a slight rise in the flat plain. As they approached Ted's Mound a roughly circular dark green patch became visible. As they drew near it proved to be a broad leafed grass with a white vein running through it. The patch was about twenty metres in diameter.

"How long has this been here?" Giles asked.

"Stan?" Jim said.

"Dunno," Stan replied, "only saw it the other day, don't come over 'ere very often."

Giles looked closely at the plant and said, "Looks like Kyuki grass; that could be the trouble."

"Kyuki, never 'eard of it," Jim said. ""ow did it get 'ere?"

"I don't know," Giles replied. "It comes from Africa and somehow it got into the eastern states, brought in accidentally with some cargo, or some idiot managed to sneak it past customs; they probably thought it would make a nice ornamental plant for their garden."

"Yeh, but why 'ere?"

"Could have got here in a number of ways," Giles said thoughtfully, "birds carrying its seed, or...do you get any of those four-wheel drive off-road vehicles through here?"

"A few," Danica replied.

"It could have been brought in on one of those. Anyway, I'm not sure whether this caused the problem, but I'll have to report it to the authorities and they'll take over. In the meantime I'll give the sick animals an injection; no guarantees but it's worth a try until the cause is determined one way or the other."

"Will you have to quarantine us?" Danica asked.

"That'll be up to the authorities," Giles replied, "but in the meantime, can you get the cattle moved away from this area. "

"I'll drive 'em over to the Five Mile Bore, they can be there before dark."

"The sick ones can't be moved, can you leave someone with them overnight. If they're still alive by the morning they'll probably be okay."

"Young Dave can stay with 'em," Jim said, looking at a young jackaroo.

They returned to Whelks Bore and Giles administered the injections.

"That's about all I can do for now," Giles said. "If I can use your telephone I'll let the authorities know, then I'd better be off."

"Yes," Danica replied, "let's get back to the house."

Speaking

They got into the Land Rover a commenced the drive back, once more in grim silence.

Suddenly Danica pulled into the side of the track, switched off the engine and said, "This is bloody stupid Giles."

"What?"

"You know what, this not speaking, as if we haven't got things to say to each other."

"Do we have anything to say to each other, surely things are clear enough; you made them clear ten years ago?"

"And you're still angry with me?"

"You bet I'm angry," Giles retorted.

"Well that's something," Danica said, "I've lived with one man who was a cold fish so it's nice to know I can get an emotional response from another man, even if it is anger."

"You got a different response the last time we saw each other," Giles said sullenly.

"There you are," Danica said.

"There I am what?"

"You're talking -- we're both talking -- so there is something to talk about."

"Oh, very clever...very funny," Giles said sardonically; "So what do we do, talk about the good old days?"

"Were they good?" Danica asked quietly.

"No, and I was bloody stupid to have let it happen."

"You didn't say that at the time, Giles."

"All right Danica, it was bloody wonderful at the time, but you destroyed it."

"Because I left you?"

"You knew how I felt about you, you let me fall in love with you and you must have known all the time what you were going to do."

"Giles, I'd been married to Spencer for more than two years. You know how it had been, I didn't lie to you."

"If you had lied it would soon have been revealed the first time we made love, but in that at least you didn't lie."

"My hymen?"

"Yes, I don't think you could have faked that."

"It was a mess wasn't it?"

They looked at each other and then burst out laughing.

"Do you remember how you told me not to take any notice if you screamed, that you'd read in some book that men needed to finish?"

"Yes, and what I did to you in the bathroom afterwards?"

They lapsed into silence again until Danica said, "It was wonderful with you, even though we were both so inexperienced."

"If it was so wonderful why did you leave me. I would have gone away with you...gone anywhere, done anything?"

"I know Giles, and that was just the point. You were young and on the verge of starting a career, and obviously you did - I never expected you to become a vet -- I would only have been a burden to you."

"So you said in your letter."

"You remember what I wrote?"

"Of course I remember, what did you expect? The most shattering news I've ever had and you expect me to have forgotten."

Cautiously Danica said, "Then perhaps you may remember that I wrote that I hoped you'd find happiness with some other woman who could freely love you in a way I could not?"

"Yes, I remember."

"And have you?"

"Found another woman?"

"Yes."

"No, I haven't, have you found another man...or men?" he said bitterly.

"That was unnecessary Giles, and cruel, but since you asked, no I haven't, I've been too busy with this place to look, but if I had, would it matter to you?"

Giles had been glaring at her, but now he looked away, and avoiding her question said, "I'd better get to that phone and make the calls."

Danica started the engine and they drove on to the house.

Disclosure

She led Giles to the office and left him to make his calls. By the time he'd finished it was growing dark, and Danica said, "You can't fly back tonight."

"Yes I can," he said, "when there's an emergency I fly at..."

Is there an emergency now?"

"No."

"Then have your calls transferred here and you can stay the night."

Giles recalled the time she had said something similar to him, and it pained him as he remembered how they had been that night.

He shrugged and said, "Then thank you, I'll stay; I can take another look at the cattle before I leave in the morning."

"Then I'll go and tell Sybil there's an extra one for dinner this evening."

Sybil?"

"Jim's wife, she does some cooking and cleaning for us."

She left him, and Giles wondered who "us" was.

When Danica entered the kitchen it was to see Angela seated at the table mixing something in a bowl.

"Extra one for dinner, Sybil," she said.

Angela looked up and said, "Who, the vet?"

"Yes darling, it's too late for him to fly back to the town now."

"Is he nice?"

"Yes darling, in fact he's an old friend of mummy's."

"Do I know him?"

"No darling, I knew him before you were born."

She glanced at Sybil who was gazing at her enquiringly.

Sybil was the only person she had shared the full story of Spencer and Giles with.

There must have been something In Danica's tone of voice the made Sybil lift her eyebrows.

Danica nodded and hurried out of the kitchen.

Giles was standing in front of the window staring out into the gathering darkness. As Danica entered he turned and asked, "How long have you been running this place?"

"On my own? About eight years. Mum and dad have retired, gone to live in Cairns. They wanted to sell the place, but I asked them to let me try and run it."

"And it's going well?"

"Yes, it's been rather profitable."

Sybil stuck her head round the door and said, "It's on the table."

For a moment she stepped inside the room and looked hard at Giles, and then hurried out.

As Giles entered the dining room Angela was already seated at the table.

"My daughter Angela; darling, this is Dr. Anders who's come to look at the sick animals."

"Hello Angela," Giles said.

"Hello, will you look at Happy, she keeps trying to put her paw in her mouth?"

"Happy?"

"Her Dalmatian," Danica explained.

"Ah...er...yes, after we've eaten perhaps."

During the meal the conversation centred on the virtues of Happy, the running of a cattle station, and the life of a vet.

When they'd finished Giles was taken to Happy who was lying in a corner of the kitchen looking very unhappy.

"You say she keeps trying to put her paw in her mouth?"

"Yes, lots of times."

"Let's have a look."

Giles opened Happy's mouth which did not seem to make her very happy, and felt around with his fingers.

"Ah yes, Danica, would you fetch my black bag from the hallway?"

She left while Giles continued to hold the dog's mouth open. Returning with the bag Giles said, "If you open it you'll see a large pair of tweezers, hand them to me will you?"

She rummaged in the bag and finally brought out the tweezers. Giles probed into the dog's mouth with them and said, triumphantly, "There you are," and displayed a small but sharp piece of bone. That's what she was trying to get out, but it was stuck in too firmly."

"Come along darling, shower and bed; so say goodnight to Happy and Dr. Anders and thank him for fixing Happy."

The girl kissed happy on top of her head, "Goodnight Happy, and you thank Dr. Anders for making you better."

Happy did not seem inclined to thank Giles, and instead glowered at him suspiciously.

"Goodnight Dr. Anders and thank you."

"I'll only be a few minutes," Danica said, and led Angela away.

She returned a few minutes later saying, "She's old enough to shower herself."

Confrontation

Giles sat in the lounge, grimly engrossed in his thoughts.

Danica entered and said, "Well, what do you think?"

"Think?"

"About Angela?"

"She seems like a nice girl; what is she, the result of virgin birth?"

"What do you mean Giles?"

"You said there have been no men in your life, so it must have been a virgin birth."

"What...what a horrible thing to say, Giles."

"Why, if no men then it must have been..."

"Are you being deliberately stupid Giles."

"No, but you must think I am to have put that story across about no men when you knew I'd see the girl."

Danica remained silent for several moments, and then said very quietly, "How old do you think she is. Giles?"

"I'm no good at children's ages or quizzes," he replied irritably.

"I'm nine," said a voice from the doorway.

They turned to see Angela standing there.

"Why are you and Dr. Anders fighting mummy?"

"We're...we're not fighting darling, it's...it's just that...that Dr. Anders is going to find something he didn't know he'd lost, now off to bed."

Danica hustled Angela off to bed, and as they went Giles heard Angela saying, "How could Dr. Anders lose something he didn't know he had?"

On her return Giles said, "And what was the conundrum all about?"

"It's a pity you didn't do Fasta, Giles, because then..."

"I did do Fasta," Giles protested.

"What, and you can't even add up?"

"I use a computer or a calculator these days," Giles said smugly.

"Nine years old, Giles...nine years old. How long is it since we last saw each other?"

"About te...oh my God, you don't mean...?

"Yes."

Giles was stunned. He stood staring at Danica, a look of bewilderment etched on his face.

"But...but...if you...I'm...why the hell didn't you tell me; you let me think..." he said angrily; and then quietly, "Ah, you didn't know until after you left me, that's it, you didn't know, did you?"

"You seem determined to think the worst of me, Giles, I think I'll go to bed."

"No you don't," Giles said, taking hold her arm, "you're not going to get away with it like that. I thought you loved me, and then you dumped me with just a letter to explain. Have you any idea what I went through, thinking about you, wanting to be with you, I..."