Diener: A Novella

"Dr. Mengele, what can you tell our viewers about the awakening process itself?"

"Ve at Stanford and ze other medical centers in ze Consortium of Reanimation Medicine haf been vorking on vays to better preserve human organs for donation. Ve are trying to preserve precious lives, especially for affluent Aryan Americans such as yourself and Fred, and for many of your viewers as vell.

"Ze basic idea is an old one. Ve zeek to keep human organs alive and fresh for longer periods of time. Do you vant the heart zat is going into your chest to be moldy and barely beating from being carried in an Igloo cooler, or do you vant the still-beating precious perfect heart to be ripped from ze youthful donor's useless body und placed directly into yours. I zink it is a no-brainer. It vorked for Aztecs und ze Mayans, and it's going to vork for zose of us in ze upper echelons of the Third Rei...I mean society.

"Ve are engaged in research zat vill keep ze organs fresh and alive. Ve are even trying to reduce ze cost of medicine in ze Fatherland, I mean our country, vich ve can all agree is spiraling out of control.

"To keep ze corpses or bodies alive, ve inject zem with modified stem cells, with bitchin'flagella, vich is vat ve call the little thrashing tails of various microorganisms such as paramecia. Zese cells can reach all the organs in ze body. Zis enables us to march ze organs from ze source hospital to ze intended and rightful recipients of ze donated organs." The white-haired Mengele hit his hand with a fist to punctuate this last point.

"Here is a clip of ze transportation process."

The screen was suddenly filled the images of naked donor bodies, chained to one another and slowly walking and stumbling through a graveyard in the night as filmed with an infrared camera.

"You zee, zey seem to be enjoying zemselves."

"Dr. Mengele, hello. This is Fred Toothsome. It appears that many of the marched corpses are screaming in pain. Can you comment on this?"

"Ya, zhey are zinging zongs in praise of za Fatherland, I mean ze medical establishment, for giving zem a few more hours to experience ze vonder of zis universe."

"Isn't it true, Professor Mengele, that many of the awakened walking meats are calling these forced marches the Trail of Tears after the forced migration of the Cherokee and other Indigenous Peoples in the shameful history of our conquering of ze so-called Vild Vest, I mean Wild West? Aren't they just asking for the same right to life for all ambulatory Americans, both predeceased and nondeceased?"

"Ya, but zose ver only redskins, I mean indigenous peoples. Zey signed a treaty in 1835. Zere removal vas thus purely voluntary. Zey loved the trip. It vas zere first real vacation. Zame zing mit the valking meats. Zey haf all signed organ donor cards und zey each haf been issued a zertificate uf death. Everyzing is strictly legal und on the ze up und up."

Fred Toothsome chimed in once again. "Dr. Mengele, what can you say about the following statement from the reawakened corpse of O.J. lawyer Johnny Cochran, which was briefly resuscitated last week, and I quote: 'The insinuation that these predeceased Americans have no souls or consciousness is scurrilous, outrageous, and perfidious. If the skin fits, you must grant the writ, of habeas corpus, that is.'"

Mengele replied, "Zis lawyer's license to practice expired mit his death certificate in 2005. Also, in regard to Al Sharpton's claim zat he zpeaks for zeze meats, I vould note zat he is a college dropout mit no degree in theology, He himzelf ztates zat he received his real education through zerving as one of James Brown's roadies, ze late Fuhrer of Soul."

"Dr. Joe, this is Tracy Implantz again. What can you tell us about the rumors that some of the walking meats have silver eyes that entrance humans and make them do their bidding?"

"Ah yes, ve still haf to iron out zome of ze kinks in the ze reanimation process. Zis is vone minor glitch zat ve didn't anticipate. It zeems as zough if zome human directly ejaculates into ze corpse zat is avaiting activation, zese corpses zpring to life und develop zese sparkling und vhirling zilver eyes zat can put any human zat gazes into zem into a trance. Zen zese humans becomes ze slaves or thralls uf zese zilver-eyed meats.

"Ve think zat zis is due to ze fact zat zprems haf flagella to die for und zat the flog'em genes zat produce the zperms' flagella zomehow gets spliced into ze meat's genome. Zen ze neurons in ze meat's retina ztart to devolop zilver crystals along zere dendrites und axons. Zen for zome reason ven humans gaze into zere crystal eyes, zey become thralls to ze zilver meats und must obey zere every vish und command. Possibly zis is due to zome sort of resonance effect, but ve really don't know at zis point.

"I vill tell one zing, I vish ve had zese genes back in the old days in ze Fatherland. Zen ve could really have done zomethink." Dr. Joe's eyes began to grow wistful at this point.

"Dr. Mengele, Fred Toothsome again. How long do these humans remain thralls to these silver-eyed meats?"

"Ve really don't know at zis point, but it is early yet. Ve haf yet to zee any thrall break its bond, so possibly for the rest of zere subhuman lives or until zere zilver-eyed overseer dies. Ve simply don't know yet. Ve do know zat once someone is a thrall uf a zilver meat, zey cannot be made thrall to a different meat unless ze first meat is kilt."

"What do you say to your critics that denounce your research as dangerous and ethically unacceptable?"

"I vould tell zem to be zilent! Zhis process is necessary for ze survival of ze Aryan peoples. If zome zubhuman meats rot in ze process, ze benefits far outveigh ze costs."

"Dr. Joe, what do you say to your critics who believe that walking meats are fully conscious and thus have rights equivalent to those of non-predeceased Americans? They often point to the study showing that brain activity in meats is comparable to those of undergraduates at Tulane University. "

"Zere is no consciousness in meats. Maybe not at ze Tulane University either. Many prominent philosophers, zuch as Daniel Dennett at Tufts University have shown conclusively zat not even ve are conscious and zat ze universe is a dark place vithout souls, consciousness, or mind. Zat's vy ve also favor ze immediate harvesting of all ze organ donors, vether zey are dead or not, despite the protests of ze right-to-lifers.

"As you can zee from ze clip, zese meats vould not likely be embraced at the next family reunion, given ze numerous strips of zkin hanging from zere faces and zere dangling eyeballs. Many of zem are shot by vould-be zombie hunters, including WAD, ze Women's Army fur Decency, who may haf watched too many special reports on ze History and Discovery Channels. Of course bullets can't easily kill zem, given ze ongoing regeneration process, but you try get to full price on a liver riddled with bullet holes, even if such organs are capable of regeneration even vithout additional ztem cell injections."

"Dr. Joe, Tracy Implantz again. One more question, and then we will let you go. Why would someone deposit sperm directly into a corpse. It seems a little sick."

"Vell Tracy, as you probably know zere is a mental disorder called necrophilia, in vich zere is a pathological sexual attraction to deceased persons. You zee, zese people view dead corpses as more accepting of zere luff zen are most living people who regard zem vith unconcealed repulsion und disgust. Ze dead are much less judgmental.

"You zee Tracy, necrophilia iz an infantile condition in vich ze only sexual joy is ze boinking of dead stiffs. Zey are not able to have an adult relationship because normal humans are repulsed by zem. Zey often zeek out work in morgues and funeral homes, as did Igor Stiffpounder and Hesus Gonzalez in Shady Pines. Zey are zome of the zickest creeps zat walk ze planet today, vorse even zen ze Jews und ze gays."

If I had a shoe on my foot I would have thrown it at the TV. "This is bullshit" I said. "I am not a fucking necrophiliac. I am schizophrenic. Dr. Robbins said so."

"Dr. Joe, let us pause for a minute for some breaking news. We have two always newsworthy celebrities, Woody Harrelson and Christopher Walken, on the phone, who will describe their own encounter with Igor Stiffpounder."

"Hi Tracy, it's good to see you again, both of you if you know what I mean." Woody said with a wink and his usual infectious smile on his face."

"Ditto," said Christopher Walken.

"So tell us all about it."

"Well, this happened while we were shooting the film Six Psychopaths," Woody said. "Christopher had to go down to the morgue over at Our Lady of Uncounted Sorrows Hospital to identify the bloated body of his cousin, which had been drifting around in the Pacific for a few months, and I went with him, but it wasn't her."

"Wasn't me," said Walken. "I mean, it wasn't her, my cousin, I mean. Not my friend's wife either. A second cousin, that's the ticket. But anyway, this guy Stiffpounder just gave me the creeps."

"Me too," seconded Woody. "We talked it over with Willem Defoe, and he totally agrees with us."

"My zympathies to you both," Dr. Joe interjected. "Zese floaters are very tricky to reanimate. I tell you vat, if you find it, vy don't you bring your zecond cousin's stiff over to ze Regeneration and Reanimation Clinic at Stanford Medical Center, and ve'll zee vat ve can do. At ze very least ve could make a highly fashionable table lamp out of her. It voud have live neurons in it, zo you could hold rudimentary converzations, such as reminiscing about family reunions, mit her. Even tell her to turn ze light bulb off and on.

"If you vould like ze platinum package, ve could very quickly clone her body from a zingle cell und reestablish her neural cricuits, und she vould be back to normal. Ve vould leave ze memories of her death out of zese recreated circuits, as zese may be troubling, both to you und to her, if she ever testifies."

"Fuck this bullshit. Turn it to Channel 553," I told Hesus.

"What's that?" said my undocumented Hispanic wing man.

"The Necrophilia Channel." I told him.

"There's a necrophilia channel? "

"There are three of them."

"How did I not know this, homes?"

"Because you're too cheap, my wetback amigo. You gotta spring for the premium channels, you basic-cable-watching motherfucker."

Hesus brought up Channel 553, where a lively debate was in progress.

"Why are there so very few silver-eyed male meats, Dr. Phil? This creates great problems for our female necrophiliac viewers who just can't seem to find the right corpse master or mate? Many of us have tried eHarmony, only to find that most of the postings are from men posing as stiffs, so that whenever we ladies show up for the meeting, they invariably find that their supposed match is really some living guy. Many of these guys try 'playing possum' as they call it, but never convincingly enough to get our ladies off."

"Well Sybil," Dr. Phil replied, "as most of our viewing audience know all too well, that is because living men are simply dogs in the thrall of their genitalia and will do or say anything to get laid, even if it means tearing off part of their face and leaving the skin dangling as if they were some mummy coming out of four millennia of sexual deprivation.

"Also, you must remember that in order for a meat to become a silver-eyed overlord, they have be awakened by a kiss from a Prince Charming, and by 'kiss' I mean a vile act of sexual depravity and extreme moral turpitude leading to ejaculation deeply into the body of the 'Sleeping Beauty' meat in question.

"Now if we're dealing with a female Sleeping Beauty, there will be a fair number of straight, decent, and normal male necrophiliacs out there to fill the role of Prince Charming.

"But if you're a male Sleeping Beauty meat, you're probably going to need a gay Prince Charming, not that there's anything wrong with that. But gays make up only 3% to 5% of the population. No gays are likely to volunteer to be a morgue attendant, because of all the blood and slime and general untidiness involved.

"But funeral cosmetologists are a whole 'nother kettle of fish, with all the fancy gowns and makeup and all. Gays are going to beat down your door for a position like that."

I threw another imaginary shoe at the TV. No way was I gay. Sure, I like to boff the dead from time to time, but that doesn't make me some pervert gay creep. Please note that our own Persephone Jones is a stunning female corpse with a luscious mane of fiery red hair.

Dr. Phil turned his knowing eyes to the camera. "Next we will get the perspective of silver male meats about the obstacles they face in obtaining sufficient sperm to keep themselves 'alive,' but first a word from our sponsors."

"Hi there, this is Henry Winkler. Do your special someone's eyeballs keep popping out just before that special moment, no matter how much Mbalm ocular glue you use? Does your loved one's forehead keep peeling off every time you run your fingers through her hair? Do those pesky maggots and blowflies keep working their way into your own mouth with each soul kiss?

"If this describes your love life, do I have good news for you. You may be the victim of a botched taxidermy. Did you know that the vast majority of human taxidermists are not licensed to practice erotic taxidermy on human corpses?

"Our taxidermists are fully licensed by the Southern California Academy of Erotic Taxidermy Medicine. I am proud to serve as the Vice-President of this fine academy, which exists to serve you and uphold the postmortem dignity that your loved one deserves. All of our taxidermists and cosmeticians are fully licensed and experienced in the art of erotic taxidermy.

"Just call us at 555-555-5555. We are open to receive patients from midnight until 4:00 AM. Our services are discrete and you will never know the shame of being publically identified as a degenerate carcass humper.

"How will I pay for this? you ask. We can recommend several excellent attorneys, including the real-life drug lord consigliere Saul Goodman, famously portrayed by the character actor Bob Odenkirk in the series Breaking Bad. We can also temporarily reanimate such legendary mouthpieces as Johnny Cochran. One look at the decaying OJ attorney will empty the bowels of the prosecution as they attempt to flee down the endless corridors of the court house.

Remember that number: 555-555-5555.

Winkler's visage was then replaced by the craggy countenance of Tommy Lee Jones.* "Americans are always ready to work hard for a better future," he said. "Many of you may not know this, but I have been dead for several decades now, as have many celebrities who underwent experimental stem cell facelifts in the eighties, such as Mick Jagger. This explains why my personality is somewhat laconic and I often do not speak, even when being interviewed by Entertainment Tonight. As you might imagine, you do not have a whole lot of energy when you are dead. I am a living testament to the fact that your financial obligations may not end with your death. Fortunately, I have been able to generate a steady stream of income in my postmortem years. But not all of us are movie stars. That's why you should entrust your financial future to Ameriprise Financial. You may be dead for a very long time."

The next ad featured spokesmodel Jayne Mansfield, holding her head, which had been brutally decapitated in a tragic car accident in 1967, near her waist. Most viewers' attention was understandably riveted by her cleavage, but their eyes were inexorably drawn to her mouth when it began to speak. "Hi fellas. Do you wish your special someone's physique was like this?" Her hands passed over her smoking hot headless corpse like a trained spokesmodel. Do you wish that your partner's pesky head and its mouth, with all its nagging complaints, would simply be gone?"

To dramatize her point, Jayne's right hand grabbed her head by its corn-silk tresses and tossed it behind her back through a regulation NBA hoop. All swish and no iron.

But this was not enough to stop the incessant yakking of her still-rolling head. "I bet there a few things you would still like me to do to you and you to me," it said, licking and pursing its red-glossed lips.

I licked my own lips, imagining myself sitting on the couch using Jayne's reanimated head as an eternally cock-sucking bowling ball while I watched Nature or This Old House on PBS.

When Jayne's head finally came to a rest, it was upside-down, but continued its spiel nevertheless. "But you don't have to go to such an extreme, my little babies. Just call us at AcuGrow. We will give your loved one targeted stem cell injections that will invigorate only those brain and bodily functions that you truly need, namely insatiable sexual desire and compliance, lubrication where you want it and when you want it. No more sassy back talk, emasculating taunting, or noncompliance with your twisted sexual demands. Let your sweetheart be who want, when you want, and what you want. Call us at 888-888-8888 right now for our introductory offers.

When the station break was over, the images of Sybil Necromancer and Dr. Phil reappeared, accompanied by two male and two female thralls. The men sported boners, the likes of which our intrepid trio had never encountered before. Sybil and Dr. Phil were both wearing shades that were Stevie Wonder black.

"Welcome back," Sybil said to the TV audience. "We are joined by four thralls of the sliver known as Darius the Magnificent. Now please welcome their thrall master, Darius himself."

A buck-naked Darius strode into the studio, looked into the camera, and whipped off his heavy shades, revealing the silver irises of his eyes.

"You are all now my thralls," he told the TV audience. But then he smiled. "I'm just yanking your chain. For some reason the silver-eye hoodoo doesn't work over TV. I'm afraid you've got to look directly into my eyes if you want to become the thrall of Darius the Magnificent, ladies."

"Given our ratings, you would probably get more thralls by doing your eye whammy at your local 7-11 than if you converted our entire TV audience, anyway," Sybil noted. "Although our ratings have been skyrocketing since the Great Awakening."

Sybil turned to the two female thralls. "So what are you girls going to show us today?"

Let the record show that both female thralls were voluptuous, with taut bellies and a lascivious look in their eyes.

The thrall named Moon Woman was the first to speak.

"Well, Sybil, as you stated in the first segment, male silvers are very rare. Male silvers who are strongly repelled by the gay life style also have great difficulty obtaining the hot sperm that they need to keep their bodies from decomposing.

"Obviously, this poses no problem for gay silvers or those straight male silvers who are willing to satisfy their reanimated corpse's needs by posing as women or by giving all the customers at a gay bar free blow jobs in the alley." She put her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. Can I say that?"

"Honey this is the Necrophilia Channel. You can say whatever the fuck you want."

Moon Woman continued her spiel. "But there is way around this problem. A female thrall can collect the sperm for her straight silver master and then forcibly inject it into the sliver's body cavities.

"I will now demonstrate the simplest of these procedures, which involves giving the sperm donor a blowjob and then expelling the jism directly into silver's mouth. Mandingo and Bart, please step forward."

The two male thralls came to center stage.

"The first thing to do is select the right donor. Now Mandingo here has, in addition to his bulging muscles a magnificent black cock. See how when I hit it with my riding crop, it sways back in forth but then quickly springs back into the upright position. Also note its thickness and length, at least ten inches or I'm a virgin as pure as snow.