Disco Nights Ch. 03

"I need to tell you what the therapist has to say about my behavior. Will you listen?"

I pulled into the driveway and turned the car off. I turned to her and said, "Go ahead."

She sat there, staring out the window for a few minutes. Finally she said, "You know what my family was like when I was growing up?" I nodded and said, "Yes." She had told me all the stories in our first few years of marriage. In a lot of ways it was pretty grim.

"Dad cheated on Mom repeatedly until he got so old and banged up he couldn't physically do it anymore. Dad would disappear for days and Mom would track him down in some bar and drag him away from some woman. They would argue and fight over it and bust each other up. Both my brothers took after Dad in his drinking and cheating. Everyone knew about it and talked about it. Neither of them could keep their marriages together because of it."

She turned and looked at me. "My sister married to get away from Dad. Ironically she married someone just like him. He drank and cheated just like the rest of the family. In fact, he even hit on me when I was fourteen." She shook her head, "He scared me and I told my sister. They separated for awhile because of it." She shrugged and said, "But then again they separated at least a half a dozen times before I was out of high school."

"The thing is I can remember my sister fooling around with other men during those separations. I know since she would have me babysit when she was going out on dates when she had thrown her husband out of the house."

Lisa was silent for a few minutes. "My therapist said that growing up in that environment taught me at least on some level, that infidelity was accepted and even expected. Everyone did it. And when I married, my husband eventually would do it to me, so in my mind there was nothing wrong with doing it first. In fact 'Do it to him before he did it to you' was an appropriate reaction."

She started crying, "And then I met you. You were nothing like my Dad. And your family is nothing like my family." She wiped her eyes and said, "But the therapist said that subconsciously I never accepted that there was a difference."

Lisa wiped her eyes, "Oh there was some other things too. My dad never gave me much attention growing up. He was too busy drinking and carrying on with other women. So I craved the attention of men. An added factor was that I really liked sex. The therapist says I have a very active libido."

"So the first time it happened in Germany it was what I expected to happen. It didn't help that I was under the influence of hash which further lowered my inhibitions. And … and I am ashamed to say, I liked it. And every time it happened after that it just got easier."

"Consciously I knew I couldn't let you find out. Bad things happen when your spouse finds out you are screwing around. But I really didn't feel any overwhelming guilt. I just convinced myself you would never know and it would never affect our marriage. Obviously I was wrong."

I sat there and listened. Not too surprised by some of it, but it still felt like a scab being pulled off of a raw wound.

Lisa looked at me, "I don't expect this to change anything but I wanted you to know. I also wanted you to know that the sex was never better than what you and I had, it was just different. She looked down at the floor, "And I would give anything to take it all back now."

Thinking about what she had said for a few minutes, I finally answered, "Thanks for the update, Lisa. But you are right. It doesn't change anything. But I hope you continue your therapy."

The last two months leading up to the delivery were uneventful. Summer was here but because of Lisa's condition she didn't travel much. Work was going great for me. I transferred to a higher paying job which I liked. I had been sent TDY a couple of times to attend training and conferences. My boss was encouraging me to apply for the state military academy to become a commissioned officer. I thought it would be a good thing to do but not until the baby was born, the divorce was final and I had my own place.

Lisa had been off on maternity leave almost two weeks when she went into labor. My mother had been standing by and she came over and picked Maddy up. I hustled Lisa over to the hospital and got her admitted. The whole birthing experience was astounding to me.

Lisa's tolerance for pain was amazing. I never expected she had that kind of strength. As the baby was being born the miracle of it all was just overwhelming. When it was all over and Lisa finally had the baby in her arms and holding her up to me, I felt as close to her as I ever had in the seven years we had been married.

We named the baby Katherine after one of Lisa's aunts. I didn't need the blood type to confirm what anyone could see with their own eyes. Kate had several distinctive features that resembled the Baxter side of the family. She was a real doll. Later as the family congregated in the recovery room I felt myself saddened over the thought of moving out and leaving this little girl. Maddy glued herself to Lisa's side whenever she had the baby and wouldn't leave. She had a sister and it was her job to make sure Kate was never alone.

The next few weeks were kind of a blur. Lisa and the baby came home and settled into a routine. I found myself tending to Kate more than I ever thought I would. Many nights I would waken to hear her and before I knew it I would be up the stairs tending to her before Lisa could even wake up.

After about a month I half-heartedly began looking for an apartment. A few more weeks and Lisa would be ready to go back to work. When I mentioned to Lisa that I was apartment hunting she got tears in her eyes but didn't say anything. What was even harder was somehow I needed to think of a way to tell Maddy I would be moving out.

We decided that we wanted Katherine baptized before Lisa went back to work and I moved out. I hadn't told my family about the separation and we didn't want the baptism done under a cloud. We made the arrangements for it to be done at our family church when Kate was about six weeks old.

That Sunday was a beautiful sunny fall day. As we stood at the altar, Lisa holding Kate, and Maddy holding my hand, I had a lump in my throat and my heart was heavy. The pastor was applying the holy water and giving the blessing. Our parents, siblings and their spouses all stood behind us bearing witness. I have never been very religious but at that moment I felt God was talking to me.

He was telling me that these two beautiful daughters of mine deserved more than a broken home. More than an absentee father. And the thought of the possibility of another man raising them was enough to make me tremble.

I realized I could not let that happen, regardless of the cost. And as I stood there I made a silent promise, before God, to Maddy and Kate that no matter what happened I would see them through to adulthood. I would be there for them.

Later after the service, as we all stood in the narthex, Lisa put Kate into my arms as she picked up the diaper bag and her purse. Maddy took a hold of my hand and said, "Isn't my sister the most beautiful baby you ever saw, daddy?" I looked down at her and smiled, "Almost as beautiful as you were Maddy!" Maddy giggled and beamed at me.

As we walked to the door I stopped, and looked at Lisa in the eyes, "Lisa, if it is okay with you, I want to drop the divorce petition." Lisa just stood there for a moment, and looked at me with tears running down her cheeks. Softly she said, "Will you share my bed again?" I simply said, "Yes."

She smiled and replied, "Then it is okay with me."

So with Kate in one arm and Maddy holding my hand, I turned and walked out into the warm sunlight to face a brighter future.

Epilogue:

As I sat there in the restaurant observing our friends and relatives, my thoughts went back to that day nineteen years ago and all the things that had transpired since.

It was our 25^th Wedding Anniversary this week and Maddy and Kate insisted on a celebration of sorts. They had wanted a big open house but I convinced them that a small dinner gathering of a few friends and relatives would be more appropriate. And no gifts please!

Lisa had continued to work at the hospital all these years. And ten years ago when they went through a merger with two other hospitals she ended up in a senior administrator position in the management company. She continued to be a success there and was quite happy with her job.

I had gone on to attend the state military academy and got my commission as a 2^nd Lieutenant in the Army National Guard. Over the years I moved up the ladder in the logistics field. I did my company command time as a Captain of an ordnance company which was quite a challenge. I was now a Lieutenant Colonel and had just recently finished a rotation as commander of a Maintenance Battalion.

Working for the Guard had taken me all over the United States. I had been to Europe twice as part of Operation Reforger and Central and South America on three separate operations. I had been away from home for extended periods of time while I completed my Officer Basic and Officer Advance Courses in Virginia and most recently when I attended the Command and General Staff Course at Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas.

Lisa and I discussed at length the travel requirements of the job and she always said she was okay with it. Occasionally she would travel with me to conferences and professional events when she had enough vacation time to go.

Every summer the four of us, Lisa and I and both the girls, would take a one or two week family vacation somewhere on the Great Lakes. And we spent many weekends at Mom and Dad's lake cottage before they passed away a few years ago. Lisa's mother was now living in a nursing home. Her father having had passed away from cirrhosis of the liver some ten years before.

The girls had been a joy all during their childhood. They both did well in school, and managed to survive the shocks of puberty and dating. Maddy had taken to gymnastics in High School and Kate to volleyball. They were both now grown up adults.

Maddy had gone on to Michigan State University and completed her business degree in minimum time. I think she decided to go there so she wouldn't be far from home and Kate. During her senior year she met Mark, a wonderful man and they married shortly after graduation. Walking her down the aisle was the biggest thrill of my life since Kate was born. And about a year ago they gave us a beautiful granddaughter.

Kate was now a sophomore at Western Michigan on an athletic scholarship and was doing well. She can't decide what she wants to major in but she promised me she would make up her mind before the school year is over. She is a starter on the volleyball team and lives on campus and thrives on it. She is breaking the hearts of the young men she meets but is amazingly well adjusted about it.

I look over at Lisa, sitting between Maddy and Kate, talking and laughing, with pride and some heartache. Maddy and Kate have always been inseparable and I believe they talk on the phone to each other every day. Lisa is still an attractive, sexy woman and has been a wonderful mother to both our girls. Both Maddy and Kate take after her in many ways.

We were just finishing our coffee in the private dining room after a wonderful meal. I knew the gathering was close to breaking up. I sighed, and stood up. It was time for me to do my part.

I looked around at the gathering, Lisa and the girls, our son-in-law Mark, my three brothers and their wives, Lisa's two brothers with their current spouses or girlfriends. Lisa's sister, Sherrie with her oldest daughter. Sherrie had divorced her husband some years back and never remarried.

Lisa's friend from the hospital Connie and her husband were here. I never had much use for her but Lisa and Connie had remained close over the years. Wayne, my best man from our wedding and his wife were also here. Lisa's maid of honor, Shelley and her husband had come down from northern Michigan. Two couples that were part of our old social group all those years ago had been invited. We had stayed close with them when the rest of that gang went their separate ways.

As I stood there, the room began to quiet down and they all turned to look at me.

"I want to thank you all for coming today. When Maddy and Kate approached us about having an anniversary open house I convinced them that a small gathering of our closest friends and relatives would be an adequate celebration. I know Lisa might not agree but never the less here we are." I smiled at Lisa and she just laughed and shook her head.

"One of the things you all have in common is you have known us for at least the past nineteen years. And some of you have known us as long as or longer than Lisa and I have known each other."

I paused and took a sip of water, "The other thing you all have in common is all of you are aware that nineteen years ago I had filed for divorce." I saw Lisa stiffen, the smile disappeared from her lips and she reached out and grabbed the hands of Maddy and Kate in each of hers. I had told the girls when they became teenagers that their Mother and I had grown apart at one point in our marriage and nearly divorced. I didn't tell them any details and I never knew if Lisa had ever spoken about it to them.

"And since these things never remain a secret, I am sure you are all aware the reason for my filing was on grounds of infidelity." I didn't need to state who the obvious offending party was. You could hear a pin drop in the room. It seemed like everyone was afraid to breath. I looked down at Lisa. She was white as ghost and looked at me pleadingly as if to say, "Please don't go there."

"Shortly after I filed, Lisa discovered she was pregnant with Katherine. Needless to say the divorce was put on hold. And right after Kate was baptized we decided to reconcile."

"You see we are not only celebrating our 25^th Wedding Anniversary today, we are also celebrating the completion of a promise I made to Maddy and Kate. A promise I made in church, in front of God the day that Kate was baptized. As I looked at these two beautiful girls on that day," and I turned and looked at them, and I could see the love in their eyes as they looked back at me, "I promised that no matter what, I would be there for them. I would see them through to adulthood. I would be their only father in fact as well as in name."

I stopped and looked at my family, Lisa sitting frozen, unmoving, and Maddy and Kate still looking at me with love but also some uncertainty in their eyes. "Maddy, Kate, I need to know, was your childhood everything you thought it should be? Was your family life loving and supporting in every way possible. Did I, did we short you in any way that we could have done better?"

Maddy and Kate looked at each other. And they both turned to me and Maddy said, "No Daddy, other than your traveling so much, it was great. We know you and Mom did as much as you could for us. We always felt loved and we always spent time together as a family. In fact we had it better than most of our friends. We just hope we can do nearly as well with our own families." And Kate nodded her agreement.

With a sigh of relief, I said, "Then it was all worth it."

I took another sip of water and a deep breath. "Just after I filed for divorce, Lisa began therapy with a psychiatrist from the hospital to try to understand her self-destructive behavior." I looked down at her and said, "I don't think I ever told you Lisa, how much I admired your courage in taking that step." Lisa just sat there shaking her head with tears running down her face.

"What Lisa told me the therapist had concluded was that given the family environment she grew up in, her infidelity was not surprising and probably could even be predicted. Lisa's father was a serial cheater, her brothers cheated, her brother-in-law cheated, he even tried to cheat with her. As a result, Lisa subconsciously expected when she married, her husband would cheat on her too." I shrugged, "given that belief, it was better for her to do it to me before I did it to her."

Lisa's brothers started to mutter and were looking daggers at me. I just held up my hand and said, "I am just repeating what the therapist told Lisa, you can take it up with her later."

"So here we are. Therapy explained why Lisa cheated." I paused and looked at Lisa, "What therapy couldn't or didn't do was get her to stop."

The only sound in the room was a sob of anguish from Lisa. I stopped and looked at the faces of our friends and family. I noted the shock and surprise on most of them. With a few exceptions, two of which surprised me.

"I see from the look on Connie and Sherrie's face that this is not a surprise to you. But then you two were always Lisa's confidants." They both looked away in embarrassment.

Turning to my girls I said, "But I am surprised to see that our daughters do not seem to be surprised?"

Still holding onto to Lisa's hands, who was moaning and sobbing, Maddy and Kate looked at Lisa not too kindly then turned to look me in the eyes. Maddy said, "Daddy, we suspected it ever since high school. But we didn't know what to do. Should we tell you? Did you already know and were ignoring it?" Kate said, "You and Mom both seemed to be happy. We were afraid we might ruin things."

I shook my head in amazement and looked at Lisa, "We raised two really smart girls, Lisa. Smarter than both of us it seems."

I paused for a moment. Maddy and Kate were trying to comfort their mother. Everyone else just stared at me, waiting to hear what else was going to come out of my mouth next. Well, they would not be disappointed.

"About six months after Kate was born, Lisa and I decided not to have any more kids for one reason or another. Subsequently I had a vasectomy and our lives proceeded down the path we had chosen."

"Imagine my surprise a couple of years later when I discovered Lisa was back on the pill."

I looked at Lisa, "You really didn't do a very good job of hiding it Lisa."

"After that it was easy enough to take a couple of trips that really didn't last as long as I said they would, in order to get home early and observe what was going on in my absence."

"But what really surprised me was that at some point you had the audacity to go back to the man that almost caused our divorce the first time." I shook my head. "Of course he couldn't resist bragging to his 'ex-wife' that he had gotten you into the sack again. And since I had helped provide her the evidence for her divorce, she of course called me."

"You never even questioned it when our sex life began to dwindle away until it was virtually non-existent. As time went on the thought of making love to you became more and more repugnant to me. But then you were getting everything you needed elsewhere weren't you?"

"Lisa, I don't know how many affairs you have had over the last nineteen years, not that it matters. But at the suggestion of my attorney, and with the assistance of a private investigator, I did document several of them, the most recent one being about a year ago."

Thoughtfully I looked at my two girls. "Was staying together the right thing to do? To be honest I don't know. I was afraid of losing Maddy and Kate. I thought if I could hold it together their lives wouldn't be affected. I was also afraid of being alone, afraid of trying to find someone else to share my life. But at some point that becomes the lesser of two evils."

I bent down and reached under my chair and picked up an old creased, water stained manila envelope. I held it in my hands, "This is the original envelope that our first divorce papers came in. In fact, I used the same law firm. But the contents have been appropriately updated."