English Rose Ch. 06

Sabrina swam up from the darkness. Her movements felt slow, her arms and legs heavy as she tried to break the surface. It took her several minutes to realize that her eyes were closed and that she was spread out on a soft mattress. Opening her eyes, she looked around and groaned.

"Not again," she muttered, instantly recognizing the familiar suite at Westhaven. As her gaze traveled the room her eyes landed on the man sitting in a chair beside the bed. "Douglas."

"Sabrina."

"I think I'm going to be sick," she said. Sabrina tried to roll off the side of the bed but the world tilted sharply.

Douglas caught his wife before she fell and managed to get her to the chamber pot in time. Shifting her slightly, he held her hair back from her face and rubbed her back until the moment passed. Once he was sure she was done he carried her to a chair near the fireplace and went to put the chamber pot out in the hall. Tugging on the bell pull, he summoned a servant and requested a towel and wine.

"My apologies," he said, "an unfortunate side effect of the sleeping aid."

Sabrina nodded but didn't say anything. Her stomach still reeled but she knew there was nothing left to throw up. Anxious about her evening, she'd eaten little before joining Marcus at his townhouse.

A moment later a maid arrived with a warm towel, a carafe of wine and a plate of dry toast. "To help settle the lady's stomach," she said before hurrying from the room.

Douglas gave a stiff nod and settled back to wait while Sabrina washed her face. When she was done he offered her a glass of wine and indicated that she help herself to the toast. "Later I'll have something more substantial prepared for you."

Sabrina nodded. Nibbling the toast she watched Douglas and waited. He seemed thoughtful, not exactly content with the silence but in no rush to speak either. Finally, unable to stand the silence, she asked, "Douglas, why did you bring me here?"

"I thought it was time we talked," he said.

"You couldn't just request an audience?" she asked, surprised that she wasn't more put out by his tactics.

"Would you have granted me one?" he asked.

"Yes," Sabrina replied softly and set aside her uneaten toast. Her stomach still reeled but she suspected it had less to do with the sleeping draught and more to do with Douglas.

"After what I saw last night I find that hard to believe," Douglas said.

Sabrina's eyes snapped to his face. "What did you see?"

"Enough," Douglas said. "I had thought to bring you here, to convince you to come back to Arlington Park with me but I fear it may be too late for that."

Sabrina swallowed against the sudden lump in her throat. "You think it's too late? For us?"

"I think you've made it very clear that you have no desire to be with me, that our marriage is not something you wish to recognize," Douglas said, feeling a tremendous pain at his own words.

"That's not true," Sabrina said, her heart clenching. "I do! At least, I think I do...it's just that...I don't know, everything has gotten so complicated and I know that I'm responsible for a large part of that..."

God, she was babbling but didn't know how to stop herself. She had never thought that, having made her decision, it might be too late.

"Have you given any thought to returning to me?" Douglas asked, knowing he risked revealing himself in the question.

"Yes!" Sabrina admitted.

"Why?" Despite telling himself to be careful, not to hope for too much, Douglas needed to know.

"I've missed you," she said, "and I wanted to know if there was anything real between us."

"You didn't seem to miss me much last night," he said, clearly hurt and angry over her affair.

"Last night was goodbye," she said. "I had already ended the affair when you grabbed me."

Douglas laughed humorlessly. "If that was goodbye I hate to think what the rest of your affair was like."

Sabrina looked away, "I'm sorry Douglas; it was never my intent to hurt you."

"What did you think would happen?" he snapped. "It seems every where I went people felt the need to recite your latest escapades with Edington."

"Which was hurt worse," she countered, "your feelings or your pride?" Meeting Douglas' narrowed gaze she held up a hand in surrender. "I don't want to fight with you Douglas and I certainly don't want to sit here exchanging barbs."

"What do you want?" Douglas asked.

"I want the marriage I thought I had," Sabrina answered honestly.

"Our marriage wasn't a lie," Douglas said. "My feelings for you were real."

"Maybe," Sabrina said slowly. "I'm not arguing with you," she continued when she saw Douglas start to speak. "But do you have any idea what it's like to wake up and realize that you'd been manipulated and lied to, that everything you thought you knew was just wrong?"

"No," Douglas admitted. "I know I should have told you the truth but you said it yourself, you wouldn't have married me if you'd known."

"Maybe not," Sabrina said, "but that doesn't justify what you did."

"No, it doesn't," Douglas said. "I don't know what you want from me. There are only so many ways I can say I'm sorry."

"I don't want your apologies," Sabrina said. "I want you to understand how much you hurt me!"

"You don't think I've hurt over the past few months? That I didn't feel betrayed and angry?" Douglas stood and paced around the room.

"I didn't have an affair in order to hurt you," Sabrina said. "It wasn't about revenge."

"What did you hope to accomplish?" Douglas asked.

"I wasn't trying to accomplish anything. I just needed...I don't know, to make my own decisions - to live my own life and feel in control for once. I went from being my father's daughter to a woman that had been raped and had her only future taken away from her. Then you came along and you knew I couldn't say no, that I would be hard pressed to marry you."

Sabrina was quiet for a moment, not looking away from Douglas, she said, "I think one of the things that infuriated me the most was finding out that you'd known all along - who I was, what had happened here - all of it and never said anything. That and finding out by accident, knowing that you didn't have the...decency...to tell me yourself."

Douglas felt pain at her words, not for himself but for Sabrina and what he had done to her.

"I know that none of that justifies what I did, how I reacted," she admitted. "I think that something inside of me just snapped."

"I can't go back," Douglas said, "I can't undo what has been done but I would like a chance to make it up to you. Do you think there is a chance for us?" he asked.

"I hope so," Sabrina answered honestly. "Because regardless of how we ended up together I did come to care for you."

"Do you still?" Douglas asked.

"Yes," Sabrina said slowly. "At least, I think I do. It's hard to know, to trust that what I feel is real but I did miss you and I have to believe that not everything was a lie."

Douglas nodded, it wasn't the declaration of love he wanted but it was perhaps the best he could expect at the moment. Feeling as if they had come to a place from which they could move forward, he asked, "Will you come with me to Arlington Park?"

Sabrina nodded in agreement. "I need to return to London, to gather my things and collect my maid."

"No," Douglas said, and indicated a bag at the foot of the bed. "You can send word to your maid, she can pack up the rest of your things and travel with them to Arlington Park."

Sabrina was surprised by his curt response. Standing, she went to see what the bag contained. Opening it, she felt herself flush at the sight of her nightgown laying on top. "Who packed my bag?"

"I did." Douglas answered. Recognizing that he may very well undo what progress had been made, he still had to ask, "Is there a reason why I found your nightgown in my room, on my bed?"

Sabrina struggled against the embarrassment at having been caught. "Because I took to sleeping in there."

His voice low and careful, he asked, "You took Edington into my bed?" If that was the case then he would have the thing burned.

"No!" Sabrina cried and spun around to face him. "No. I never invited Marcus into the house, let alone your bed - or mine," she added softly.

Douglas' eyes narrowed. "Never?"

Embarrassed, Sabrina let her eyes slide from his face. "I never slept with Marcus."

"I find that very, very hard to believe." Douglas said. "Especially after last night..."

Sabrina blushed hard at the reminder.

"The guilt is written all over your face," Douglas pointed out, wondering why she would try and lie about the affair.

"If you were there then you know I didn't sleep with Marcus," she said. "I slept with the woman."

Douglas stood speechless, a moment later feeling a gut punch of lust at the image of Sabrina with the young blond from Purgatory. "I..." he had to stop and clear his throat. "I didn't stay for the entire show," he said.

"Oh," Sabrina said, grateful for small favors. "Well..." Turning, she busied herself with folding her nightgown and putting it back into her bag.

"Sabrina," Douglas said softly, "tell me about the affair."

Without looking at him, she asked, "Do you really want to know?"

"No," he said with a sigh, "but I think it's best if we get everything out into the open now."

Sabrina nodded but was quiet for a long time. "I met Marcus again this summer out at the Mills'. I never intended to have an affair," she said. "I went there because, at the time, I had no place else to go. I couldn't stay in London and I wasn't ready to face my father. Marcus was there and he was...well, he was Marcus. He's moody and charming and he was always honest about exactly what he wanted from me." She tried to find a way to express what it was that Marcus had done for her. "In the beginning he was a distraction. He kept me entertained, which kept me from thinking too much. After a while we became friends and then...more."

"But you never slept with him?" Douglas asked, still not sure if he believed her.

"No," Sabrina said, catching the note of doubt in his voice. "That's not to say that we didn't share some intimate moments," she added. "But I...I just couldn't. Not until I knew how I felt about you and our marriage."

Douglas didn't ask her to elaborate on just what those intimate moments were. He was relieved to hear that she hadn't slept with Edington. He could forgive her just about anything, even that, but it would have broken something inside of him.

"I want you to come with me to Arlington Park," he said. "But I think I finally understand why you needed to take some time apart from me. I brought you here thinking to convince you to go with me. Only I realized that I want you to come back because it's what you want - not because I force you or convince you to come."

"I'd like to join you," Sabrina said softly; and there it was, that glimmer of hope she'd been looking for.

"Good," Douglas said. "If you'd like to write out a note to your maid I'll have it delivered. We leave in the morning."

Sabrina watched as Douglas headed for the door. In that moment, she was reminded of the time they had spent in this room together. She could see the similarities that she'd missed before, the width of his shoulders, the length of his stride - it all came back to her. All of the pieces seem to come together, the past joining with the present and the picture - the history - of it all seem to offer her a sense of hope. They had some distance to go but had already been through much together.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'll have a bath sent up and give you time to rest and freshen up," Douglas turned to look at her. She still wore the dress from Purgatory; he hadn't missed the simple elegance or the stark sensuality of her in it. She was beautiful and his wife and he ached to hold her again. Knowing the timing wasn't right he said, "Perhaps you'd be willing to dine with me this evening?"

"I'd like that," Sabrina said, watching as he nodded and let himself out.

A short time later, Sabrina stopped in the doorway of the library suddenly feeling very uncertain. Douglas sat staring into the fire lost in thought. Catching him unaware, she watched him take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Sabrina felt her heart clench. He looked tired and she realized for the first time how much these past few months must have cost him.

Douglas wasn't sure when he became aware of Sabrina watching him. Slowly, he turned to find her standing in the doorway. Coming to his feet, he hesitated. Something warned him to let her come to him. "Good evening," he said and waited.

Sabrina's leg felt like lead; part of her wanted to run to Douglas, to throw herself into his arms, while part of her hesitated. The moment felt weighted, as if her entire future rested on the here and now. She sensed that everything could change based on what she did in that next moment. Taking a deep breath, Sabrina stepped into the room.

Douglas watched as Sabrina walked towards him and felt something in his chest ease. She was home.

Sabrina moved across the room, her heart hammering in her chest. "Good evening," she said, taking Douglas' outstretched hand like a lifeline.

"You look lovely," he said, meaning it. Her emerald green dress was one of his favorite.

"Thank you," Sabrina said. Standing in front of Douglas, staring up into his face she saw a reserve that had never been there before. Unable to stop herself, she reached up and cupped his face. "Oh Douglas, I am so sorry."

In that moment her heart broke a bit for both of them.

Douglas leaned into her hand realizing that he had thought never to feel her touch again. Staring down into her face, he took a deep breath and let it all go – at least for now. "Not tonight," he said. "Let us enjoy an evening together – there will be time enough for that later."

Sabrina hesitated a moment before withdrawing her hand and nodding. "Of course."

"Would you like a drink before we dine? A glass of wine?" Douglas asked.

"I would join you in a glass of brandy if you don't mind," Sabrina said.

Douglas raised a brow in surprise but nevertheless poured them each a measure of brandy, passing Sabrina her glass and watching as she slowly circled the room. "It's a lovely library," she said. "I never noticed it...before."

Douglas realized that this was the first time Sabrina had remained at Westhaven of her own free will. "I'd be happy to give you a tour later."

"I would like that," she said. Stopping before the window, Sabrina stared out onto the back of the house noting softly rolling hills of endless fields.

They sipped in silence, both of them at a bit of a loss for something to say. Taking a deep breath, Sabrina broke the silence, "Westhaven was your mother's?"

Douglas looked up from his drink. "Yes, a gift from an admirer."

Sabrina inwardly cringed at the reminder. Perhaps questions relating to Douglas' mother were better left for another time. "It's beautiful – what I've seen of it."

"Thank you," Douglas said as he circled around the room and went to stand beside her. "It's the smallest of our properties but one of my favorite."

Together they turned to survey the land beyond the window, both of them sipping their brandy. Finally Douglas tossed back the rest of his drink. "Shall we?" he asked, offering Sabrina his arm.

Sabrina downed the last of her drink, shrugging at Douglas' expression of surprise. She had learned how to drink rather well during her time with Marcus – perhaps a skill better not practiced too often - and found she quite enjoyed the occasional feeling of intoxication. "Of course," she said taking Douglas' arm and allowing him to lead her to the dining hall.

They ate in the formal dining room, the table set at one end for the two of them. Westhaven was lightly staffed with both Martin and Jared taking on footman duties and seeing to their service. A quick look from Douglas dismissed them both once their plates were full and the wine poured.

Douglas racked his brain trying to think of something to say. It seemed that most topics were off limits or risked making one or both of them feel uncomfortable. Still, he couldn't regret his decision to bring Sabrina home. He wanted her here, wanted her to stay.

"How is your father?" Sabrina asked, breaking through his thoughts.

Douglas took a sip of wine. "Not well," he admitted. "That is actually part of the reason I decided to come for you. I need to return to Arlington Park as soon as possible but didn't want to leave without seeing you first."

"We leave tomorrow?" Sabrina asked feeling a sudden lump form in the pit of her stomach.

"If that is agreeable to you," Douglas said. "I would like to spend as much time with my father as possible."

"Of course," Sabrina said. She remembered her time at Arlington Park as some of the happiest in her life – certainly with Douglas. Going back now suddenly seemed like one of the hardest things she'd ever done.

"Sabrina?" Douglas watched as his wife pushed her food around her plate, no longer eating. "Are you alright?"

Sabrina looked up and caught Douglas' concern. "I'm fine. I just..."

"What?" Douglas asked when she hesitated. "Would you prefer to remain here? I can travel back and forth if you'd rather not accompany me." It wasn't his first choice but perhaps he needed to be prepared for the fact that Sabrina may not be ready to travel with him. The thought was like a kick to the gut and Douglas fought against a rising sense of dread.

"No, it's not that." Sabrina hesitated, not sure how to proceed. "Your father and Aunt Mae – what must they think of me?"

It took Douglas a moment to realize what she was saying. He had no delusions that his father remained unaware of his...estrangement from Sabrina. Despite his illness, the duke stayed in touch with the latest news in London and would have passed that information on to Douglas' aunt.

"You have nothing to fear," Douglas said, lightly touching the tips of his fingers to the back of Sabrina's hand. "I will explain to my father that regardless of what has happened we have moved beyond it and there is nothing to worry about."

Sabrina resisted the urge to turn her hand over and grasp Douglas' hand. "Have we? Moved passed it?"

Reluctantly, Douglas removed his hand and resumed eating. "No," he said. "But we will and that is all that matters."

Sabrina nodded; feeling a tightness behind her eyes she quickly blinked back her tears.

After dinner Douglas made good on his promise and gave Sabrina a tour of Westhaven. It was a small, cottage manor designed to be a home close to London. There was no ballroom but still housed a formal dining room, breakfast room, library and study all on the lower level. There were six guest rooms (including Sabrina's) plus the master suite. Martin and Jared slept in the attic along with the cook and two maids.

"So that's it," Douglas said, depositing Sabrina outside the door to her room. He'd been both pleased and relieved that she seemed able to see beyond their history with the house and to the charm of Westhaven.

Sabrina felt surprisingly self-conscious, staring up at Douglas she wasn't sure what she was waiting for. In the few short months of their marriage they had never slept apart despite maintaining their own suite of rooms. Yet, she sensed that Douglas wasn't ready to invite her back into his bed and she wasn't sure she was ready to go. "It really is beautiful," she said, lacking anything better to say.

"Well, I will leave you to sleep. We should get an early start tomorrow." Douglas said.

"Of course," Sabrina agreed and turned to open her door. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Douglas said and watched as Sabrina slipped into her room closing the door behind her. He hesitated, not wanting to go. He knew it was too soon – they had much to discuss before picking up where they left off and sharing a marital bed. Still, he yearned to feel her sleeping beside him once more.