Faith and Hope

Anna and Mary fell in love with Faith and the 3 became inseparable. Anna taught me how to be a responsible father. Mary was learning how to care for a child too.

Around 9 months after I brought Faith home I received a letter from Wanda. She was diagnosed with aids. She was worried for her child.

Faith and I had already been tested twice and found to be clear of all STDs. I sent Wanda back a letter with pictures and told her that our child was named Faith. I explained that I had a housekeeper who was helping a lot. I promised to send photos from time to time.

The next time I heard from Wanda was almost 3 years after we had separated. She was extremely sick and wanted to see me one last time before she died. Her signature was barely recognizable on the bottom.

She said she loved the pictures I had been sending. They made her life worth living.

Wanda continues.

After I gave birth I knew there was still something wrong, I could not put my finger on what it was. I just knew.

After careful consideration I decided that I would not be able to care for a child on my own and left her for Bob to take care of. Lord, I missed him so much. After I calmed down and thought about the situation I realized how foolish and angry I had been. I knew he would never take me back. The best I could do was to allow him to have the child. She would have a life filled with love and happiness with him. I had nothing to offer.

They finally caught up with Snake; he was arrested, tried and sentenced to time in jail. As he was processed into the jail they found that he had many STDs, among them was aids. I was contacted and tested. Snake died in there; I never heard how or felt badly about it.

My world collapsed the day they told me I tested positive. I had been working at my job for a little under 6 months, the world was looking much better. I even had a little over $300 in the bank. However, I still missed Bob and Faith so badly it hurt. I had to write the letter. It could drive the wedge between us too far to reconcile. I cried for days.

I was amazed at the letter he sent back. He answered promptly. He confessed that he still loved me, but could never live with me again due to the way we separated. He included the information on his medical insurance; he had never taken me off of it. We were still married. The most amazing thing was the photos of our little girl. There must have been fifty of them. She looked more and more like him as she aged in the photos. I never wrote back. What could I say other than I was sorry. Bob did not need to hear that again, no matter how true it was.

At first I always referred to her as The Child. I could not call her my child until Bob wrote and told me he had named her Faith. The name was perfect.

I cried each time he sent new pictures. Without really knowing her, she became my life.

Bob kept sending me photos every few months, they became my only world.

I worked as long as I was able. Finally it became too much and I had to quit. I was extremely careful and never passed the disease on to anyone else.

I had lots of time to straighten out my thoughts. I put them down in writing and used the notes to compose a letter to Bob and another to Faith. Her letter was to be held until her 18th birthday. I sealed the envelopes and kept them in my possessions to be delivered to him when I died.

About 3 years after we separated and after many buckets of shed tears, my counselors convinced me that I needed to speak to Bob and allow us both to have some closure. They wrote a letter to him on my behalf, it took me a week to finally sign it and tell them to mail it. I dictated another letter to him as a follow up to my first one; I knew he needed to read them both before he was allowed to see me. I also knew the sight would be a shock. I barely weighed 75 pounds soaking wet with a roll of quarters in my hand.

The day he came to see me, I watched him walk into the hospice. There were a beautiful woman and 2 children with him. Each adult held the hand of a young girl. I watched as they stopped and talked just outside the building. The woman and both girls walked back to the parking lot and then to the playground next to it. I knew which one was Faith; she was the most beautiful child I had ever seen.

Between the letters and meetings with the doctors it took almost 2 hours before Bob got in to see me. I spent most of that time watching the 3 of them at the playground.

Our meeting

Bob stepped into the room and looked around; he did not see me in my chair by the window. I saw his reflection in the window. As he turned to walk out I spoke "She loves you, you do know that."

"Who? How do you know?"

"I can see it in her eyes; she loves you even more than I did. You were my world."

I told her how Anna, Mary and I had met and that she was in need of help as much as I was. Anna was my housekeeper, Mary was her daughter. They live in the small apartment in the basement. I told her that we had never been intimate; after all I was still married. I took my promises seriously.

Wanda broke out in soft sobs after that statement. "I suppose I deserved that" she finally said.

I was ashamed and turned away. "I'm sorry, that did not come out the best way."

"No, I am sorry I chose to drive you out of my life. I didn't know what I had until it was too far gone."

We were silent for a long time; both lost in our thoughts of what could have been. Then we spoke and cleared all the angry thoughts we held for each other and truly were as one for the first time in years.

The nurse came in and said visiting time was over. The entire visit was only 3 ½ hours.

I blew her a kiss and turned at the door to see her for the last time.

Wanda spoke again. "I release you from your vows to me, after what I did it is unfair to hold you to them." She held out 2 more envelopes for me to take, the one without the name was for Anna. I was to give it to her before we were married.

Before I turned to go I told her "I love you and forgive you for all that has happened."

As I approached the door for a second time she said "You love her too, I can tell. I wish and hope for all of you the best life possible."

Tears were running down both of our faces as I left. I thought I heard her mumble "She has to be a better wife than I was."

.

Anna drove home. The children both chattered about how much fun the day had been. I was lost in my own thoughts.

That evening as I lay in bed I thought about the courage it took for Wanda to write those letters and all the things she said in them. I thought on her words about Anna and me. I was confused about my feelings for everyone involved. I knew I loved Faith with all my heart.

I went over my feelings for Anna and Mary; I was amazed to realize that Wanda had been correct. As I finally fell asleep the last words Wanda would ever say to me came back to mind, "You love her too, I can tell. I wish and hope for all of you the best life possible." I did love Anna.

The hospice called the next morning and told us Wanda had slipped into a coma. They had never seen her so happy. The smile on her face was beautiful. She was holding her only picture of Faith and me in her hands. They could not get it out of her grasp.

Wanda died peacefully 2 weeks later. She was cremated and her ashes were placed in a lead urn and dumped in the ocean, at her request. Her possessions, except clothes and hygiene products, were returned to me. I was amazed at how tear covered and dog eared the photos had become. Right on top of it all was the wrinkled photo of Faith and me. I placed it all in storage for later. Her rings were placed in our box at the bank with the one wrinkled photo.

In the months after Wanda's death Anna and I began to talk about the experience. I slowly felt the love I had for Wanda slip away to be replaced with an even deeper love for Anna. Finally one evening I brought up the last conversation with Wanda. I explained how we had forgiven each other and she released me from my vows. Anna started to cry softly. I reached across the table and took hold of her hand.

Anna said "She must have truly loved you to say what she did and allow you to have Faith. I do believe that I love you; but we need to take our time and really get to know each other. You do not really know much about me." Anna then got up and kissed me on the forehead.

As she left I whispered "I love you too." She just turned and smiled and went downstairs to sleep.

I fell asleep much more quickly than I thought I would that night. I had the first good nights sleep in a long time.

That Sunday after church Anna surprised me by saying the girls were going to spend the day with Reverend Jones and his family. He had 2 girls around the same age as Mary and Faith. We got in the van and Anna drove out into the country. About an hour out of town she pulled into a small park. I had never been there before. I was further surprised when she pulled a complete picnic lunch from the back of the van.

Anna explained how she came to find the place as we set up the meal. Her family had recently disowned her for becoming pregnant out of marriage. She had seen the park on the map and decided to end her life here. She spent the last money she had for a dollar sandwich and a drink. After eating the meal she was going to fall off of the cliff into the river. A family came along just before she did and invited her to join them in their meal. They were so nice and she had such a good time that she never got around to it.

When they got ready to leave they asked if she lived nearby. Anna broke down and told them her story. They took her home and she lived with them until Mary was 4 years old. One day Anna told them she felt an urge to move on, they allowed her to leave with the knowledge that she was loved and should return if she ever needed to.

After we ate she continued her life story. She was a freshman in college; there was a party that she was invited to. Someone put something in her drink; she slowly became aware of her surroundings. She was in the middle of a gangbang; she was the bangee, as she put it. When it was over they drove her to her dorm and informed her that she should not go to the police because they had video proving she was a willing participant. She withdrew from all campus activities and discovered she was pregnant a few months later. She had been a virgin until that night. She eventually left the college and drove home; only to be turned out into the world.

Until she met me she ran as fast as she could from men, the big exclusion was the father in the family that rescued her.

She felt that I was the answer to her urge to leave the family. She did not know why until Faith arrived in my life. The answer became clear in her mind; there was a mutual need between the 4 of us. As she learned about Faith and I; she grew to love us more than she could imagine possible.

Over the time she had been with me she had found that she could trust me. Since I was married and followed my vows she felt there was little she could do except hope. Over the years we had formed a unique family unit, and she felt comfortable in it. When Wanda died Anna became frightened again until the evening we discussed the final conversation.

I found myself holding her hand as she talked, not daring to ask questions of interfere in any way. I was aware how difficult it was for her to divulge that information.

I can not remember what I said but it must have been the correct thing. She came around the table and sat next to me. We held each other for the longest time not daring to say any more.

A little later another car pulled into the parking lot; I could not see much for the dust it threw up. Anna had a strange smile on her face as the family piled out and started to set out their picnic. Suddenly a loud shriek could be heard in the woods. It sounded like someone had called Anna. The entire family ran over to us and all started to talk at once.

Anna held up her hand and they all fell silent. She spoke "This is Bob. We have recently discovered we are in love. I just told him the story of my life. I hope he still feels the same after I finished." Then she introduced me to all 12 in the family. The father's name was also Bob. The wife was Martha. Of the 10 children 4 were theirs by birth. I could never remember all the children's names. A few had disabilities, but they all worked as a team.

This was the family you hear about that always had enough love for one or two more.

We talked until it was almost dark and headed home with a promise that we would get together again.

The ride home was mostly silent. She was scared to ask what I was thinking and I was desperately trying to digest all the information I had just received.

I fell asleep just before we got back to our town. Anna picked up the two children and tucked them into the car for the ride home. As we separated in the kitchen I had an overwhelming urge to kiss her. I did. It was short and oh so sweet.

She went downstairs with a tear on her cheek. The kiss and tear spoke loudly between us.

We had always told Faith the truth about her mother; we just never shared the unnecessary details. The week following the visit to see Wanda she came to me and asked why we went to visit that place. I answered her as simply and honestly as I could. "Your birth mother had a terrible disease and was dying. She had asked to see me one last time so I went to say goodbye. We could not let you go in to see her because of the disease. Your mother saw you outside playing and thought you were the most wonderful little girl. She was sorry she never got to know you."

With the wisdom of a child Faith just said "Tell her I am sorry too."

Just before her 4th birthday Faith came to me and said "Do you know what I want for my birthday? I want you to love Mommy Anna; I want us to all live together instead of her and Mary living downstairs."

"I will see what I can do." I replied.

Anna overheard the conversation and smiled. I wanted to ask if she had anything to do with it but did not dare to ask. Later that evening as we talked she told me "Faith came up with that request all on her own." She did admit to hearing Mary and Faith talking about wanting to get us together as a real family with a Mommy and Daddy.

That year for Thanksgiving I suggested that we invite Bob and Martha and their family to dinner. Anna called and invited them. They arrived the evening before and we stayed up way too long visiting. The next day Martha, Anna and the 3 oldest girls spent all day creating a feast worthy of being served in the finest restaurants. Bob and I worked to prepare the yard for the upcoming winter.

When we sat down to eat I asked Bob to say the blessing.

He spoke "Thank you Lord for this chance to get together with friends. Bless this family and their home. May there ever be happiness and love. Bless this food and keep us all safe after we part." Then everyone said "Amen."

The food was passed and enjoyed by all.

After dinner I spoke. I started by addressing everyone, "Thank you for all being here with us today. It has been a privilege to have everyone here today. This family as Bob has called us might never have been due to many circumstances. I have a confession to make today. I worked with Reverend Jones to provide a home for 2 lost persons, not out of a want for myself but a fear that they might not have survived the coming winter living in a car on the streets."

I turned in my chair to face Anna and spoke directly to her "Can you please forgive me for the deception. I was only concerned for your well being."

With tears in her eyes Anna nodded yes.

I continued "That one simple gesture was the catalyst for all of the love we feel in this house now. I believe our love speaks volumes of how correct I was to have done so. Both of us had such a rough beginning, but things are improving. It was slow at first, but like a snowball rolling downhill things have started to move quickly. All 4 of us have spoken of our love for each other; I feel that it is real and true. Anna, will you consent to be my wife." With those words I pulled my mother's ring from my pocket and presented it to her.

Anna softly said "Yes!" Just how do you smile and cry at the same time?

"This is my mother's ring, if you choose to have one of your very own we can buy it tomorrow." I slipped it on her finger; it fit perfectly.

For some reason it did not feel right to offer that ring to Wanda. This time it not only felt right, but I was obsessed with making it more than right.

"I love this one. That it was your mothers makes it even more special. Don't you dare try to replace it."

Suddenly 2 little girls were there hugging and kissing both of us. Mary was already calling me Daddy and Faith dropped Anna from Momma Anna's name.

Later, Bob and I went for a walk at his request. When we were away from the house he told me that he had been keeping an eye on Anna's family. Her father had turned to the bottle after he threw her out of the house. Recently he was killed when he drove into a large tree while returning from a bar. Her mother appeared to still be in shock 3 months later; so much so that she looked to be lost and confused all the time.

He handed me her name, address and phone number. I was told to do what I felt was right. I quickly noticed her mother's was named Mary. I put it away to think about the right thing to do.

Bob and his tribe left the next day after promising to be back for the wedding. Anna wanted him to give her away; I wanted him to be my best man. He just smiled and said "Maybe, we will see."

We talked that evening as usual. I managed to steer the conversation around to her family. Anna managed to explain how it had been her father who threw her out against her mother's wishes. She had called and spoken to her mother 2 times. The second time her father figured it out and beat her mother severely; she witnessed it on the phone. She had Martha call the police and report it to them. They arrived just as her father went out the back door headed for the bar. Bob and Martha took her to see her mother one time. Anna never dared to contact her mother again out of fear for her safety. 2 weeks later she had her baby and named her after her mother.

I held her for the longest time before she fell asleep in my arms. I picked her up and put her in my bed then went out to sleep on the sofa. Mary and Faith had taken to sleeping in each others rooms and were upstairs that night so I did not feel it would be a concern to them to find Anna was not downstairs.

The next morning the girls came in to wake me and found Anna there instead.

Mary asked "Where's Daddy?"

Anna, who was nowhere near awake, simply replied "Upstairs in his bed."

This got the girls to giggling, until Anna woke up enough to realize where she was. She blushed and just shrugged. The girls went to look for me; they woke me and asked "Why are you on the sofa?"

"Because, I try to be a gentleman, and a gentleman never puts a lady in a compromising position."

They ran off to find Anna and explain where I was.

Anna refused to tell them what a 'conpromising possession' was when Faith asked. She is still young.

Monday was a slow day at work. I pulled the slip of paper out and dialed the number.

Finally after many rings a woman answered the phone. I introduced myself as Bob, who was a friend of Anna. There was a gasp and the woman accused me of trying to cause problems. I assured her I was not.

After much discussion she asked what I wanted.

I simply answered that I wanted to let her know that Anna was alive, happy, and healthy, and engaged to be married in the spring. I told her she had a beautiful granddaughter, named Mary, who was also doing very well. I gave her my cell phone number and told her she could call any time during the day, but never at night. Finally, I told her I was sorry to hear of her husband's death.