Falling for Matt

Despite it being early in the morning, I felt more rested than I had in a long time. Daring a quick glance at Matt's face, I thought he looked as if he was deeply asleep. Perhaps he'd gotten a better night's sleep than he usually did as well. I almost chuckled when I thought I could offer my services as a bedwarmer for him if it meant that he'd get some rest. The fact that I'd get to snuggle up to him was of course only an added bonus that couldn't be helped.

I was yanked out of my playful train of thought when he stirred.Please don't wake up, not yet!Thankfully, he didn't. He simply put his arms around me and let out a, to my hopeful ears, contented sigh. It was the single happiest moment of my life, only tainted by the knowledge that it would only last as long as he remained asleep and unaware. Joy seemed to radiate through my body to my very bones and I ached to run my hands over his body. An hour or so of blissful torture later, I fell asleep again.

When I woke up, I could hear the shower running and Matt was no longer next to me in bed. Hoping things wouldn't be awkward now, I decided I would just pretend I'd slept through the night. Just as I was starting to worry about what he thought about how we'd spent the night, I heard him singing to himself in the shower. I smiled and relaxed back against the pillows; if he was singing in the shower he couldn't have minded too much. Deciding it would be easier if he didn't catch me cuddling his pillow, I forced myself out of bed and headed downstairs.

I'd barely sat down at the table with a bowl of cereal when Matt joined me. As he grabbed a bowl for himself, I noted that he looked like he had indeed gotten a good night's sleep. It pleased me immensely. Feeling daring, I said; "You look like you slept well."

"Yeah, I did." he replied simply, giving me a small smile as he sat down across from me. "So, Jane's back in town today. Are you gonna go talk to her?"

His question prompted the abrupt departure of my appetite. I pushed my bowl away, sighed and said; "I suppose I should just get it over with."

"Are you gonna ask her about Steven?"

"I don't really want to, but I know it's gonna bug me if I don't. And what if she is sleeping with him, and I dump her because I'm into someone else, and then I'm the bad guy. I'm not sure I could deal with that if I was wondering if she cheated on me."

"I wish there was something I could do to help."

"I know."

There wasn't much left to say after that, and I got ready to go home after we tidied up our breakfast things. At the door, Matt gave me a quick hug and told me it would work out one way or another.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Are you dating Steven behind my back?"Oops.I'd planned to ease into it slightly more elegantly than that.

Jane's jaw dropped in surprise; clearly she wasn't used to being accused of dating her step-brother first thing in the morning as she answered the door.

"Do you wanna come in and maybe keep your voice the fuck down?" she hissed.

I followed her to her room, she was so pissed I could feel it coming off her in waves. I was starting to seriously doubt that there was any truth to Matt's allegations. My own anger was disappearing quickly, intense discomfort replacing it. Oh well, no one ever said breaking up with someone should be a pleasant experience.

"What did you hear and who did you hear it from?" she said once she'd closed her bedroom door.

She wasn't strictly allowed to keep her door closed when I was there, but there was no chance we were having this conversation with the door open. We were more likely to scream at each other than tear each other's clothes off anyway.

"Matt heard from Ashley that you were seeing someone."

"And you figured you'd just come over to my house and accuse me of dating my own step-brother?"

"Not exactly. I didn't mean to bring it up like that, but Matt figured that it would have to be about Steven, one way or another."

"And why is that?" She sounded pretty exasperated.

"Because Emma is still pissed at you." I didn't know how much I could say without getting Matt in trouble.

"Yes, well that's between Emma and me."

"So, you're saying that there's nothing going on between you and Steven then?"

She looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Right, I guess we're done here." I said quietly and made to leave.

"No, wait. I haven't cheated on you. I just told Emma that I didn't want her to make a pass at him either. I can't help it, but it would make me kinda jealous if they hooked up."

Throwing caution to the wind, I said; "And you're sure that's all there is to it? Cause Matt was pretty convinced that the only way easy-going Emma would be that upset with you is if you were screwing him."

"Well, Matt isn't always as clever as he likes to think. Just because you worship the ground he walks on, doesn't make him any more right." she said hotly.

"Fine, I believe you." Feeling slightly appeased, but knowing that I couldn't leave yet, I was uncertain as to how to proceed. I settled on sitting down by her desk.

Sensing that our problems weren't resolved yet, she asked; "What is it?"

I let out a sigh and ran my fingers through my hair, I'm pretty sure I was stalling. "I want you to know that I'm sorry about accusing you like that. You're a nice girl and when Matt voiced his concerns to me it took some convincing before I was willing to consider it. You've been a great girlfriend to me and we've had some good times together. I'm sure you've noticed I haven't been a great boyfriend to you lately though."

My hands had settled in my lap, and I was staring at them pretty intently for most of my speech. As I looked up at her, I saw that she'd taken a seat at the end of the bed. She looked expectant, as if she was going to get the answers to questions she'd been carrying around for a while.

"I have been wondering what was going on with you. You never wanted to talk about it, so I let it go. If I'm honest, it kinda hurt that you wouldn't tell me." she admitted.

"I'm sorry, it wasn't something I felt I could share with you. It was unfair of me to put it off for so long and I'm really sorry that I hurt you. If I could do it over again, I would have had this talk with you a lot earlier."

"Are you gonna tell me now though?"

"I suppose I kinda have to. I'm trusting you with this, even though you could really screw me over if you get angry with me after I'm done telling you."

"Thanks, I think..." she said and gave a little chuckle.

Taking a deep breath, I said; "Okay, here goes. I'm pretty sure I've fallen for Matt."

"Oh." was all she could say in response.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen and I'm so sorry that I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to realize that I was hurting you. I know I was cold and distant, and you haven't done anything to deserve that. I hate myself for saying this, but I have to; please, please don't tell him. Or anyone else for that matter." I implored her.

"Of course I won't tell anyone. I'm just a little surprised is all." She certainly did seem surprised, I couldn't detect a trace of anger anywhere in her wide open eyes. Slowly her eyebrows started to settle in their usual place.

"Trust me; I didn't see it coming either."

"No, I didn't mean I like that. I just thought that you'd decided that nothing was gonna happen between you two ages ago. I always thought you loved him more than me, and that you'd settled for me because he's straight."

It was my turn to be stunned. "What? I've only felt this way for a few months."

"It's not my place to tell you about your feelings, but you guys have always been really close and I've seen the way you look at him. Trust me, this goes way back. You may have been feeling it more lately for some reason, but I doubt that this is a completely recent development."

Seeing my confusion and increasing distress at her words, she came over and sat gingerly on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her hair.

"You must be the most understanding girlfriend in the world. I've been a shit boyfriend to you and here you are comforting me."

She chuckled again and said; "I sort of feel better about everything now that you've explained it. At least now I know I wasn't always just someone you were with just because you couldn't be with him."

I pulled back a little so I could look her in the eye. "You never were. Ever."

"Thank you." she replied and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "Maybe you should go talk to him about this."

"I can't do that. There's no way he feels the same way, and it would only make things awkward."

"He will have noticed you behaving differently too. You've been pretty withdrawn in general lately, I'm sure it's been hurting him too." she said gently.

I couldn't meet her eye as I said; "I told him I'd kinda fallen for a guy at school and it was messing with my head a little."

"Jake! You know that's not doing anybody any good!" she was using her kindergarten-teacher-voice now. I hate it when she does that; it always ensures that I feel like I'm in the wrong, which to be honest I usually am.

"He's not going to thank you for keeping this from him. Shouldn't you respect him enough to make up his own mind about how to deal with this?"

"I respect and care about him enough that I want to spare him the awkwardness of dealing with unreciprocated feelings." I wasn't going to give in this time; there was no way in hell I was gonna tell Matt about this.

"You know, for someone who hates lying you sure have been doing it a lot lately." she said evenly.

Making a conscious effort to not get defensive and angry with her, I said in an embarrassingly trembling voice; "I'm trying to make the best of a difficult situation here."

"I know, sweetie." she relented and gave me a hug.

"Since we're being all honest and sharing... Whatisthe deal with Emma and this whole Steven thing?"

She squirmed around a little before replying; "Well, at the wedding both Emma and I hung out with him pretty much the whole day. There weren't that many guests our age and it felt kind of appropriate that I get to know my new step-brother better. I think Emma and I both sort of fell for him that day. And we haven't been able to shake it since."

"Wow, didn't your dad and Ellen go to Greece for their fifth anniversary last year?"

"Yeah, so Emma figured that it was time I put it behind me seeing as I'm not dumb enough to try anything with him. She's been waiting for me to get over him so she can make a move. Finally she ran out of patience and we had a pretty big fight. She said I was unfair to deny her the chance to get together with him when I was in a long term relationship with you anyway." She sounded heartbreakingly sad.

"I'm sorry. You think you guys are gonna make up?"

"I don't know. It might sting her less now that you and I have broken up, but I doubt it'll fix everything."

"If it turned out he felt the same way about you, would you still hold off because he's your step-brother?" I asked.

"I'd like to say yes, but I doubt I have that kind of willpower." Jane admitted, before going on to say; "I still think you should tell Matt."

"Fine, how about this; I'll tell Matt when you talk to Steven about how you feel." I grinned, feeling confident that she'd never take me up on my offered deal.

"We're a sad pair, aren't we?" she said as she got off my lap.

"Absolutely." I admitted.

"Are you hanging out with Matt today?"

"I wasn't planning to. I just came from his place."

At that she raised an eyebrow and whistled jokingly. "Someone did the walk of shame this morning."

"Knock it off, I slept in the guestroom the same way I always do." I lied through my teeth. I was not about to put up with her teasing me for sleeping with Matt last night, even if it was only in the most innocent sense possible.

"You could still hang out with him today, you know. I know you're probably dying to spend as much time with him as possible, and he's been lonely lately. I'm sure he'd appreciate it." She gave me a nudge.

"Well if you're that eager to get rid of me, I think I might just do that." Being handed permission, and a reason, to spend time with Matt, I wasn't going to turn it down.

As I got up to leave I said; "I still can't believe how understanding you're being about all of this. Thank you for everything, and I do mean for all of it. We had some good years together, didn't we? Especially considering, you know..."

"We did. I was too good for you though." she joked and smiled sadly.

I pulled her in for a hug, our last before the break-up settled over us and we felt distanced from each other. She put her arms around me and pressed her whole body against mine in the kind of warm, heartfelt hug only she could seem to manage. She always gave the best hugs; people talk about the importance of a firm handshake, but since knowing Jane I've learned to appreciate a proper, firm hug. Jane always hugged back actively, and it made the world of difference to the polite hugs that are endured and tolerated more than they are appreciated. I realized I was going to miss this, miss her. I hadn't expected that.

As the hug ended, I felt daring and leaned in for one last kiss. She allowed it and kissed me back. It was a warm, dry kiss. Considering how chaste it was, I was surprised to find myself responding to her more than I had for months, and had to pull back before I got too into it. Not acting like an asshole seemed to require conscious effort quite often these days. I stroked her cheek gently and stared into her eyes silently for a second before leaving her house for the last time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I got into the car, I decided to take Jane's advice and see if Matt was up for hanging out today. I got my phone out and called him. Receiving no answer, I decided to drive over to his house anyway. It wasn't far out of my way and it seemed a little unlikely he would be up to anything. My assumption made me a little sad; his life seemed so empty sometimes.

Parking on his street, I tried calling him again. Still no answer. Figuring he might be in the shower or something, I went around the back of the house and let myself in through the kitchen door.

"Matt? You home?" I called out.

That's when I noticed the carton of orange juice lying on its side on the kitchen counter, a pool of orange juice covering most of the countertop and extending to the floor. Stepping around the corner of the bench I spotted Matt unconscious on the floor.

"Matt! Oh my god!"

I rushed over and kneeled in the bright yellow puddle next to him. Shaking him lightly seemed to do the trick almost immediately. I felt faint myself with pure relief. He opened his eyes groggily, but seemed to come to with surprising speed after that.

"Can you hear me?" I asked, still a bit shaky.

"Yeah." he replied, his voice breaking on the single word.

"What happened?"

"I was taking out the trash and I felt a bit dizzy. I figured I might be dehydrated or something and went to get a glass of orange juice." He paused. "It must have gotten worse."

"Does it feel like you hurt your head when you fell?"

"Yes, can you see any blood?"

"No, but we're going to the ER as soon as you can stand up." I said firmly. "How are you feeling now?"

"I just have a headache from the fall, I think." he said.

"Okay, why don't we try and get you to stand up?"

Deciding it would probably be best to let him be in charge of his own body parts, I am in no way experienced enough to do anything but be in the way, I hovered just behind him, ready to grab him if he looked like he was gonna fall again.

"Slowly now. That's it." I said encouragingly.

Once he was upright, I held his arm to keep him steady.

"I should probably change into some dry clothes before we go." he said, sounding almost back to normal.

"Yeah, we're probably going to have to wait for a while before we get to see a doctor. You think you can manage, or do you need help?"

"I feel alright, it should be fine." he said and walked slowly towards his bedroom, holding onto the countertop and furniture as he went.

I watched him worriedly until he rounded the corner. I grabbed the paper towels and started mopping up the orange juice. Only taking care of the worst of it, I was finished pretty quickly. I got my phone out and called home to let them know what was going on. Mom answered the phone, by the end of the call she sounded almost as worried as I felt. She told me to bring him home to our house afterwards, provided they didn't want to admit him for the night. As I hung up, Matt was back, dressed in dry clothes once more.

"You wanna borrow something dry to wear?" he asked.

I'd completely forgotten about my own juice-soaked clothes and said; "Yeah, that'd be good. I can manage my way around you wardrobe. Sit down and I'll be back in a minute."

I practically ran to his room, chucked on the first pair of sweatpants I came across and sprinted back to the kitchen to help him into the car.

I've never had a tougher time staying below the speed limit. I was so anxious to get him to the hospital, but getting him injured in a car accident on the way there was hardly going to make him healthier.

The ER was quieter than I had expected and a nurse showed us to a bed Matt could rest on almost straight away. Fifteen minutes later a young, male doctor came to see us. Matt was resting his eyes and didn't see him coming. I, however, practically leaped out of my chair when I saw him. I felt utterly helpless, now that I had gotten him to the hospital, there was nothing more I could do for him. Unsure what to say or do, I just stood there and watched him approach.

"Hi, I'm doctor Peters." he said and shook my hand and then Matt's. Directing his attention to Matt, he continued; "Would you prefer if we discuss your reason for visiting us today in private?"

"No, it's okay. Jake can stay."

"Okay then. I see that you lost consciousness for a little while. How are you feeling now? Are you lightheaded or dizzy at all?"

"No, I feel fine. My head hurts a little from when I fell, but that's it. Jake was sort of insistent that he take me to the hospital though."

"And good thing he was. People don't normally faint for no reason." doctor Peters replied with a smile.

I felt some of my anxiety ease up. I'd done the right thing in bringing him here, but the doctor didn't look too worried about the situation.But he hasn't even looked at Matt properly yet. What does he know?I probably looked more ill than Matt at that point; I've never coped well with stressful situations like this, that was always Matt's area.

The doctor got his little torch out and checked Matt's eyes for pupil reaction. He seemed satisfied with the result.

"Can you remember feeling lightheaded before you fainted?"

"Yeah, I was a little dizzy and I had a headache so I got up to get a glass of juice and the room started spinning a little."

"It sounds like you might be anemic. We'll run some blood tests to make sure. In the meantime, we need to check if you have a concussion from the fall. Do you feel nauseous at all?"

"A little, but I think I was feeling sick before I fell as well." Matt replied.

"Are your ears ringing, or do you have any unusual trouble with your vision?"

"It's kinda hard to focus my eyes on anything for too long. I think I'm just tired though." Matt said, he looked it too.

"You weren't tired this morning" I interjected.

"From the sounds of it, you might have a minor concussion. We aren't too backed up today, so I'd like to send you up for a CT-scan just to be on the safe side. Your boyfriend can go grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria or something in the meantime. We should be back here in about 45 minutes."