Family Isn't Blood - Fred's Life Ch. 06

Rita was in the operating room at the end of those two weeks, and the results were good. The cancer did not go to the lymph nodes yet, and the actual tumor was smaller, her body already began to encapsulate it with tissue on its own. The choice was follow up radiation and a round of chemo, due to her history. She was going to have to remain up north for the next three months.

She became part of the fabric of the family again, a different role, but part of the family again. During this time, Stephan came down with a bacterial infection and a day later, Cathy was hit by the flu. Being under chemo, Rita should not be there in her weakened state, it would be dangerous. When Cathy told us, Zophia looked at me, and I nodded yes. Rita stayed over two weeks with us.

I always hated what that woman did to me, and Cathy. Now it is years later. Things have changed. I have wonderful life with the woman I love. My daughter is her own person that I am proud of. I never could be revengeful, I hate to carry a grudge, I hate to hate. I was noticing that Rita was acting the same way to Zophia, that Sophia does to Carol, her ex-husband's wife. Respectful, open, allowing Zophia to take the lead on things, asking Zophia about things first before speaking to me about anything of importance.

That was when it hit me, the reasons Zophia was allowing Rita back into my life. For one, she saw my unresolved issues of the death of the marriage. Those issues were never going to go away without some discussion with the source, only if the source was not the same as before. This is what I saw right away. But the second part, that was new to me. Zophia was the outsider to her ex-husband and his wife. She knows what it feels like have once been part of a marriage, and now no longer.

The first night that Rita stayed with us, it was a bit uncomfortable for her, and me. We had been together at the hospital and at Cathy's, but never really alone. Zophia had not yet returned home from seeing John. Rita went and stayed in the spare bedroom, until I called her out for dinner. We ate in silence, not animosity, just silence. I think that each of us were thinking about unsaid things.

I knew that her chemo was draining for her, and let her have all the comforts that she wanted. I even went to the local deli and got her some zupa ogorkowa (mushroom soup) and flaki (tripe) that I remember that she liked.

She was not the same woman I knew from before. This is the second time I've seen her body racked by cancer. Only the emotional distance made it easier. She excused herself from the table, exhausted, and went to bed.

I did not see her again until I came home from work the next day. I brought some makowiec (poppy seed pastry) for desert. The pattern of her eating and retiring repeated it self until the weekend.

As all three of us were home on Saturday, Zophia made it a point to cook some pierogi (dumplings) and golabki (cabbage roll), more flavorable than my cooking. She insisted that Rita stay with us during the day and not stay in her room. She was refusing until I asked her, "Rita, how can we play three handed pinochle with two people?" That sparked her interest and she appeared to lighten up. We used to play three and four handed pinochle all the time, for hours on end with friends and family. It was never from money, just for fake gloating when winning.

We decided to start a game after lunch, and let Rita call it if she was not feeling well enough to continue. We had to stop by 5:30 so we could get something for dinner. This was a good time, it was social, it opened up the communication and decreased the awkwardness. I can't say that we all became fast and furious friends, but we were closer together. After dinner, Rita begged off, saying that she was exhausted, but thanked us profusely for the card game. We repeated it on Sunday after mass.

During the next week, I was able to coax Rita to stay out of her room a little longer each night. We did not do that much talking, but the comfort level was getting higher, for her and me.

By Wednesday, she stayed up long enough to see Zophia come home after seeing John. We all talked for an hour until I suggested to Rita that she crash. She was at her limit for the day. Then I promised her that I would move dinner back to 7:30 so we could all eat together.

The next dinner with all of us was good. Her chemo was on Monday, the next due on Friday. She was able to partially recover during these days. We retired to the living room with warm mugs of tea and just chatted. Zophia did her best to make Rita to feel at home, at a place that once was her home. But that was a lifetime ago.

Friday came and Rita asked for dinner early, and crashed. That was the same for Saturday morning, but we were able to coax her out for a couple of pinochle hands before she retired. Sunday morning she stayed in, but was able to visit a bit after lunch. That was when Zophia went to visit John, leaving Rita and I alone.

I fully expected Rita to remove herself, but this time she didn't. I may have not been around her for the past five years, but you never forget your partner's body language, and what it means. She was not the only one that wanted to talk about things.

"Fred, we never really talked, have we? I mean about" and she paused. That pause extended into a minute or more. "Rita, all that happened? Ya, we never really did. I avoided you, and you avoided me. We got real good about that. Got easier when you moved out of town. The only reason that you are here right now is because of Cathy and Zophia. I have to thank them for that, again."

"Fred, thank them? I can't thank them enough. I would have been able to go through this in Florida, but barely. And now that they are sick, it could prove deadly for me. But you ok'ed me staying here too. After the years of me treating you poorly. Why?"

"Rita, You're the mother of our daughter. Yes, our daughter, and a grandmother for those two little ones. That will never change. You will always be Cathy's mother, and I have to respect that."

"But you could respect me without me being invited here, by babysitting to free Cathy up, by not being with me at the hospital, by not taking me home to her place, by not allowing me to stay here."

"Rita, maybe I also needed to talk with you about what happened. I do have a couple of questions. There are a couple of things I'd like to know, if you feel you want to answer. There may be things off limits, I'll respect that." Then I waited a second when I saw her nod yes to me.

"Why didn't you marry Paul after the divorce?"

"Short answer, I didn't love him, I never loved him. He was my toy, my fun. He loved me from the start, and it was him that started this whole affair, not me. I just kept it going."

"He wanted me to divorce you for years. I wouldn't. I loved you in the way I could, not the way I should have, not the way you wanted me to. He was one of the reasons that I left for Florida, to get away from him. Sex was no longer fun when it was licit. Funny thing now, I'm going to be on estrogen blockers. My drive is going to be reduced."

"Fred, I've been full of myself most of my life. There was nothing you could have done to stop me, except to divorce me. Only doing it publically, and putting me out on my own did I even consider change."

"What you did for our daughter, now that is going to cause you to go to heaven." I chuckled. "No, I really mean it. You helped her from being the twisted bitch I made her, into the upright wife and mother, and very stubborn daughter" at this we both laughed, "that she is today. Of all the things in life that has happened, your saving her redeemed me."

"So in that way, you did get to change this lying bitch into someone better. It just could not happen while we were married. It was our daughter that did the heavy work. Her living 900 miles away helped too."

"Rita, you've answered a whole lot of questions for me, and a couple I wasn't going to ask. Do you have anything for me?"

"Fred, I know I was a bitch and a cheating whore, but was all our marriage a waste? Was there anything good, besides our daughter, good for you, and me?"

"We had some good times at the beginning, but now knowing your sex on the side, I can't uncloud my mind from that. You became more and more difficult to be with, so I had to live in my head, away from you. If I thought about it, I probably could find things that were good, but right now, it remains painful."

She looked at me and with real tears in her eyes she said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Fred. I took advantage of a decent man. I should have just died from cancer last time and you both would have been free of me. That is one of the reasons that I've tried to stay away from you. I'd rather not bring those past memories back to the present for you and Cathy."

Before I could respond, Zophia was at the door. We both were drying our eyes when she entered. She saw us and immediately said she forgot something at the store, and would be back in a couple hours and disappeared before either of us got a word out.

Shocked, we looked at each other. Then we laughed, long and hard we laughed. We took those hours and got things out. Some good, some neutral, much bad. Bad feelings, bad situations, bad outcomes, and bad memories. We got to process with each other and could begin to heal. She was not a complete jerk, and I was not a complete good guy. I always knew that of both of us, but sometimes it never came to the surface.

When Zophia came in again, somewhat gingerly, we were still wiping tears from our eyes, but this time it was from something funny that we did together. She looked relieved, and then asked for help to get the rest of the packages from the car.

By the car, she asked me if I was OK. I gave her the 15 second headlines news version and told her there will be more later. The rest of the evening was pleasant and Rita retired early. Zophia and I talked long into the night. My shoulders were not so tight in the morning.

At the end of those two weeks, Rita and I were having breakfast after Zophia went to work. This was her final morning here, she was leaving to go back to Cathy's apartment later today She would be gone by the time we got home from work. She thanked me for all I had done, allowing her to stay with Zophia and me. Then she thanked me for some closure. That was the biggest thing that I did for her. I also thanked her for that from her too. The final thing she asked, was a single question. "Fred, when are you going to marry that woman? You two were made to be together. You both deserve that happiness."

She left to return to Florida a month later, in remission and recharged for life again. She cried at the surprise send off party. All the usual suspects were there except one, the bridges her dishonesty had broken.

The broken bridges were rebuilt. The rebuilding started on both sides with a whole lot of people, family and friends. They saw Cathy and I and Zophia too had accepted her. They saw her changes. All met in the middle, in some ways stronger than before. You don't always know what you have until you damage or lose it. Thanks to Zophia and Cathy, I also have been able to heal a bit more.

Zophia would normally stop on by to see John after work if she was not working late. It was on her way home, this way she remained grounded to him. She would occasionally see Roza leaving as she arrived, another day it was her other sister-in-law. Her brother even brought her parents there to see their grandchild as couple of times. This was kind of expected, as they were John's Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents.

During all of this, John's behavior was actually improving. His socialization skills got better, his patience increased, the time he could spend with people was getting longer. He still had many issues, issues that would cause him to never be able to live independently, but he was making visible progress. When Zophia saw Stan and Iwona leave one day, she went to the management and asked to see the logs of people who were visiting her son.

When she got home she called me over. "Fred, did you know about this? Did you know all these people were visiting John, starting with that cabal of social workers, my family, my nieces and nephews, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR NEICES AND NEPHEWS, OUR FRIENDS, who have I left out? "

All I could do and not laugh was to say, "And you're surprised? What did you think that we were going to do? You came back home to be with family. Well, family is what you got."

Zophia just looked at me in shock. "Who organized this, I want names." Then I really did begin to laugh at her. "Zophia, you just named them, not all of them, but you got the ringleaders. "

At that she just sat down, feeling the support of those people, people doing things for her son. They gave him things she couldn't. She had such a small support group in California. This support was making such a difference in John's life. She was not alone, her son was not alone, a weight was beginning to lift from her shoulders. With that she cried, letting it all fall from her being. All I could do was to hold her in my arms and rock her slowly. She and John were home now.

One of the things that I've never underestimated about Zophia was her determination. Stubborn Pollock. Synonyms if I ever heard of one. She makes up her mind, and come hell or high water, she will do it. She wanted to thank these people, and she was going to find a way. It was over my objections.

She would not take no for an answer that these people were just doing what they wanted to do. No one expected any thing back. I told her that a dinner they could easily accept. Food and drink is always acceptable, it's shared with friends and family. That made it an occasion to get together. More than that, they will all feel uncomfortable.

She stared at me with cold unflinching eyes, with a determination born of years of trying to help her son. There would be no mercy for anyone who would stand in her way. Think mother lion and her cub. I caved. I knew when I was beat. I wanted to live.

I remember coming home to a new kitchen and bath, provided by some very grateful people. That blew me away, and I think of it every time I walk into either of those rooms. Something that was not so big for them, something massive for me.

I understood Zophia, what these people had done for her son, and her gratitude to them. When anyone helps your child in that's child's need, the gratitude is over whelming.

All I asked her is that we work together. There were things that I knew, sensibilities that I had that would be helpful. I did not let her be a bull in a china shop. She agreed and we began to discuss possibilities.

We spent a week, going over different options and came up with something that was going to work on many levels. She was going to throw a birthday party for John, and invite everyone to it. She and John were going to go shopping together to pick things out for the guests, reverse birthday presents. They were also going to make thank you cards. It would be very hard for anyone to refuse a gift from him. The gifts from John were going to be more thoughtful than expensive, his level of thoughtful. That would help everyone to accept. I had to fight Zophia on that one, but this time she caved. However, she was going to throw in a little kicker for each recipient. She still got what she wanted. And I'm surprised?

John's ability to be out in the world has actually increased, increased to the point he could go shopping without it being a guaranteed disaster. The structured environment and the visitors gave him a stability that could handle a twice a week shopping 'spree' for an hour or two.

Brainstorming what these people would actually want/need/accept was another matter. We could handle our direct families, but the Social Work Cabal and the younger generation was another matter. We needed a trusted third co-conspirator.

I suggested my son-in-law. Mike had the temperament and the connections. He could keep a secret, but I knew that he did not like to not be honest. With all the stresses of what we had been going through, it all showed on Zophia's face, especially now. Zophia looked at me with that seriousness and then asked, "Can he be turned to the dark side?" It took me a millisecond to understand what she said. I almost fell off my chair laughing. We needed that comic relief. We had just left tense behind.

The next day Zophia and I went over to see Cathy, Mike and the kids. Zophia got Cathy to join her in going to the deli for something that I wanted. I volunteered to stay with Mike and the kids. With that time alone with him, I first asked for secrecy. He was not thrilled about that until I let him know that it was for a good surprise and be of a limited time. He was not into keeping secrets from Cathy, or her from him. I told him what we were looking for and why. He agreed to get the info needed. We now had the different families covered and the different generations too.

Cathy and Mike were going to get a Saturday night at the Palmer House in downtown Chicago, show tickets and dinner. No kids allowed, we will be the baby sitters. A weekend in Wisconsin Dells waterpark in the winter or spring for the four of them. They needed this after taking care of Rita those months.

Maria was getting an architecture boat tour in downtown Chicago and dinner of her choice.

Mary is in law school part time now will be getting Second City tickets and dinner of her choice.

Su Lin is getting Ballet tickets and dinner of her choice.

Marek and Shelly get Lyric opera tickets and hotel in downtown Chicago, no kids allowed, we do the sitting.

Her brothers and their wives along with Iwona and Stan and us will be dinner in Greek town, with a limo. None of them have ever been in a limo before. Afterwards, it will be a Chopin concert We both knew that they would not take anything more that that.

Her parents were not up for that much of an outing. They would be satisfied with a Sunday lunch at the facility if we could bring my grandchildren.

There were many more gifts, the visitor log showed many people that were taking their time to see John. Sometimes it was once a month, others once a week. Zophia was always in shock of their thoughtfulness to her son.

There were other gifts that I needed to get. Bob and Carol were on the invite list, and Zophia gave them a heads up in advance. They said that he had an important meeting that weekend, and was not sure he could make it. I had called them first and explained the entire plan, and asked that they keep it a secret. They said they would not miss it for the world and would talk with Bob and Zophia's son Matt about it too.

Formal invitations went out on the first, and the party was for three weeks later. That gave me enough time to get everything together. That was when I asked Roze and Caterina for some assistance, and their silence. I explained what I was going to do and they both agreed to help me and keep mum. They have a sense of style, I do not.

During this time, Zophia and John were hand making thank you cards and going shopping. As it was beginning to approach Thanksgiving, Christmas decorations started to come out. John was always attracted to lights and lights reflected by crystals were in all the stores. It appeared that all his visitors got a different crystal window hanging, anything to catch and play with sunlight. I asked that he make a few extra in case other people showed up or brought guests that we didn't account for. This was not unusual, our planned get togethers of 15 people regularly got to 20, 25 and in one case 29.

We first thought that we could rent the meeting room at the facility, but realized that it was not going to be large enough. We also wanted the additional time for everyone to mix and mingle. Then there was the open bar issue. We found a banquet hall for a Sunday noon, in the vicinity of the airport. Zophia helped set up. Half an hour later, guests started to arrive and she mingled with the guests for an hour. that is when she went to pick up John. Several phone calls were made when she walked out that door.