February Sucks: Same Old Me (3of4)

"Wouldn't it be better to give her the opportunity to come clean about it? I mean, I wouldn't want to get any of the details wrong. And I REALLY don't want to hear 'it's not what you think,' again. Because I seriously doubt that she could handle listening to what I think."

Linda just moaned and continued crying.

"I can wait." I leaned back in my seat.

It took a while. There was lots of feverish "Noooooo" and muttering of "You can't know, you can't" and "I didn't mean it," as well as just plain sobbing. When she finally pulled herself together, our session was nearly halfway over.

"Okay. Okay. Okay," she finally said. "Okay. How did you know?"

"How did I know? Easy. I stopped trusting you. And I'm not stupid."

She wept a bit more while saying "You know what I mean."

"You mean, which one of your friends betrayed you? None of them. They all betrayed me, and I don't trust them any more than I trust you. I bribed some of the staff there to send me whatever information they had about the married women that Asshole was stealing away. And I gave them your picture."

"How... who told you we'd be there?"

"Nobody. Honest. I didn't know you were there until I got the word from a bartender. Nobody in your little group said anything about it. I know you convinced your girlfriends to withhold sex from their husbands and make whatever other threats they needed to keep them quiet. You ladies have some kind of pact. You know, to help each other cheat."

"You... no, no, no, it's not like that!"

"Aha. Then why didn't Gus or Rose call me when you ran off with that same Asshole AGAIN? They were there. They saw it. They're supposed to be my friends. Why didn't they say anything?"

"I... it... it wasn't like that! They didn't... We didn't... You've got it all wrong!"

"Then please explain to me, and to Susan, just what exactly happened last Friday. It's rude to leave her in the dark. Please don't try to lie any more, or cover anything up. It's insulting. I know more than you think I know, and I WILL call you out on your bullshit."

"I don't... gahh," she gasped with exasperation. "If you didn't know we were going to be there, how'd you know to bribe the bartender?"

"Oh, you're not going to like that answer. Not at all. And you're not going to like what it means. I'll tell you the whole thing, I promise. But you're going first. Spill it."

She looked over at Susan, angry, puzzled, and defeated.

"Okay. Well, we went out again. Our group of friends, the ones who were with us at the dance club that night. Dee was my pretend 'date,' since neither one of our husbands are speaking to us these days. It was us, and two other couples. I left Emma and Tommy with Phil and Jane and their kids, for a babysitting playdate." She looked back at me. "They got a puppy, by the way. The kids won't shut up about it. We're not going to know any peace until we get one, too."

She smiled, hoping she'd managed to change the subject. I twirled my fingers in a 'continue' motion, and she sighed and turned back to Susan.

"Marc was there. It was a complete coincidence. We didn't know he would be there. He remembered me... I didn't actually know if he would, I'm sure he has a lot of women, but he did, and he came over and joined us and talked to me and he was so sweet and charming..."

"Linda," said Susan, "I'm going to interrupt you right there and remind you about what happened the last time you spoke well of that man in front of Jim."

Linda became very still. She noticed I'd turned red and I was pretty sure a few of the veins in my neck might be throbbing. She started shaking a bit.

"It's okay," I said. "Your boyfriend is still an Asshole, whatever you think of him. Go on."

"He's NOT my boyfriend!"

"Whatever. Go on."

"Jim," said Susan, "You promised not to try to antagonize Linda. She won't defend him, and you won't attack her using him, okay? That man is not a party to your marriage. Linda is. You are. This is about the two of you, not him. Agreed?"

"Yes." I took a couple of deep breaths. "Fair enough. Sorry."

"Okay. Linda, please, just tell us what happened."

"Well, I ended up leaving. Uh, with him."

"For sex."

"Yes."

"Again."

"Yes." She looked at me. "I didn't mean to! It just happened!"

"Tell her the rest of it, Linda."

"What rest of it?"

"You left with him...and Dee. You took Dee with you. You went into the penthouse at The Madison, again, the three of you this time. For group sex. For a three-way."

She paled even paler than the pale she was before.

"You know."

"Like I said. I don't trust you."

"It wasn't like... Oh, God, I can't even believe I'm saying it. Look. Okay. We weren't together, not like that. I mean, we were both with him, yes. Sometimes it was just one of us at a time, sometimes both together, but I wasn't with her, not like that. Except. Okay. Yes, a little bit. Because he wanted to see it. He said it was a turn-on. But Dee and I aren't like that, not really. We've never done anything like that before." She closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands. "God. What you must think of me."

"Yeah."

We were quiet for a bit. She slid her hands down her face and touched her fingertips thoughtfully to her chin. Then she broke the silence.

"Just exactly how many places around town did you bribe, looking for this kind of thing to happen?"

"Oh. Right. Well, this is the answer you're not going to like. I asked around about Asshole. Despite his shiny-clean public image, it turns out he's pretty well known for stealing married women away from their husbands. It's like a sexual fetish of his, a power trip. He gets off on humiliating other men, fucking their wives, and breaking up marriages. And, get this- he's SO well known for it that he's got a couple of places he's publicly staked out as his own Personal Hunting Grounds. Married women who want a piece of what he's offering will go there, with their husbands, deliberately hoping to get picked up. It wasn't hard to find out where. People talk."

I leaned in.

"But You Knew That. Didn't You, Linda?"

She started crying again, silently. I decided to press things further.

"The Madison. Morrison's dance club. That's why Dee wanted to go there in the first place, isn't it? And Brennegan's. Fat chance he'd pass up all that action on St. Patty's day, right? And I called Gus. He said that you guys were already planning on taking the gang out to Cahoots, downtown. Not a coincidence, Linda. Not a coincidence."

Still crying.

"All that business about 'I didn't plan on it, I didn't ask for it,' and 'I didn't mean for it to happen'? That was all Bullshit. You knew he'd be there, or he might be. You knew what could happen if he showed up. Maybe you weren't counting on it. Maybe you didn't think it would actually happen. But you DID know about it and you WERE excited about the possibility. You, Dee, Jane, Rosie, and Helen. You were all in on it. You all 'bought raffle tickets' by bringing us to these places, and it turns out that you, Lucky Linda, won the door prize. Twice. And you're still planning on going to that other place, too."

She continued to cry. I pulled out my cell phone, called up the draft e-mail I'd prepared, and hit send.

"I just sent that information to Dave, Phil, Gus, and Andy. Now, all the guys know about the little scheme you ladies set up. How you used us as BAIT. One of the busboys at Morrison's told me that the Asshole came up to you, specifically, on Leap Day, because WE were the most adorably lovey-dovey couple there. He targeted US because of how I was with you. You used ME to get him, Linda. You. Used. Me. To. Fuck. Another. Man. Then, you went and did it again. He knew that the news about your menage-a-troi would get back to me. Of course it would. He meant to rub my nose in it. And let's not pretend you weren't going to continue. You guys already planned on going to that other bar, and even if that doesn't happen, he's got your phone number, or your email or messaging, and you've got his, or some way of communicating with him. He's not going to stop dogging you until the divorce papers are signed. Then he'll discard you and move on to the next one."

She was crying so hard I'm not even sure how much of that she heard.

"Tell me. Linda. When you turned down Dave for that dance, did you do it JUST to attract the Asshole over to us? Just to keep me mooning over you?"

"I. I. I. I didn't think it would ha-hah-happen-nn," she managed to choke out.

"But you did it on purpose, knowing it might. Hoping it might." I leaned back. "I believe you, Godammit. For what it's worth, I believe you. You didn't mean for it to work, but it did. When it happened, you took the ball and ran with it. You got your fantasy. And you're still doing it! You're not gonna stop!"

I stood up. Susan moved as if to try to prevent me from leaving, but I waved my hand to show her it wasn't necessary- I just wanted to stand, to think, to speak.

"The worst part is that you keep trying to play me for a fool, Linda. Sure, you don't know what you're doing anymore. It's gotten way out of hand. I get that. But you can't come clean or clue me in to what's been going on. You keep insisting that you're innocent, that you got... Zapped by the Martian Slut Ray. You want it to look as if you couldn't help yourself and don't know how it happened. That Is A Lie. Sure, maybe you got zapped, but you pointed the Slut Ray AT YOURSELF. You know exactly how and why we're in this mess. You're neck-deep in a tawdry affair, you've been lying your ass off to me, you got all your cheating friends to help you, and now you have no idea what to do. And I'm out in the cold. I'm not your partner anymore. I'm your clueless patsy. The way you've played it, that's how it has to be and that's how it has to stay. You have no choice but to keep me in the dark. Like I don't deserve to know what's really going on in my own marriage."

"I'm soh-ho-horrreeeee."

"Say that again?"

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! It was a mistake, all right? It was all one big huge mistake!"

"Mnn. No. A mistake is taking the wrong can off the shelf at the grocery store. A mistake is forgetting a dentist appointment. No, no, this was planned. Deliberate. It was a team effort. You were excited by the idea of it. You might not have actually intended to go this far, but you sure as hell followed through."

She didn't have anything more to say. Neither did I.

"Well, then," said Susan. "You might remember that last time, I said that infidelity in a marriage isn't as important as what leads up to it. It seems that this incident... er, these two incidents... weren't really a random bolt from the blue. Your group of friends, Linda, specifically, the women; This is a kind of... fantasy life, that you all participate in? Is that correct?"

"Something like that." She was hanging her head.

"And Jim said something about how you help each other cheat? You manipulate your husbands with sex and threats?"

"We don't really do that. It's all just talk."

"Except for Dee," I added. "She really does cheat. She has one-night stands and makes a point of bragging about it to their little circle."

Linda looked up at me and was about to protest, but she saw the look in my eye.

"Okay. Fine. Except for Dee, yes. I don't know how you knew that, but you're right."

"I'm resourceful."

"But it's just been her. Nobody else has ever actually done it. Not until now."

"Jane tried. She had a guy from work all lined up."

"Okay, yes, Jane tried. But Phil shut her down. She's been on her best behavior ever since. How'd... did Phil tell you?"

"Why would Phil tell me anything? Didn't you hear about the meltdown after you left Morrison's with the Asshole? We were ready to punch each other in the face. I didn't even know the kids were at their house during your little orgy. Shit, Linda. None of these people are really my friends anymore, if they ever were." All technically true. There was a lie of omission in there about having talked to Phil, sure, but Linda didn't catch it. She was used to thinking that SHE was the sneaky one.

"I did hear about the meltdown. Look, I wish you wouldn't hold it against them. They're still our friends, and our kids are all crazy about each other."

"I won't keep Emma and Tommy away from their friends. Or the puppy. But for God's sake, Linda, you've got to stop treating me like some gullible idiot. Like I couldn't possibly know anything unless you specifically tell me about it. Jesus. I had no idea you held me in such contempt."

"I don't! Jim! You're one of the smartest people I've ever known! I love that about you!"

"Then how do you get off thinking you could lie to me like this? Or manipulate me? Did you really think I wouldn't be able to see through any of this shit?"

"I thought... I thought... Oh, God, I don't even know what I thought."

"Yeah, I figured. That's called 'Affair Fog.' I looked it up. Cheaters create some kind of alternate reality to justify what they do. And you've been keeping your naughty little girl-group secrets from me for so long that you're used to it." I closed my eyes and lowered my head. "It's my own fault, too. I've looked at you through love-colored goggles for so long that you knew I'd believe whatever you threw at me. I'd already bamboozled myself. And god dammit, you were right. That's on me. But when you use that against me? When you turn my trust in you into a weapon? That's Abuse. I've said it before, but I don't think it ever really landed on you."

"Jim." She was just shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. About all of it, this time. I should never have done any of this. I know, I'm really, REALLY regretting the consequences, but I also know I was wrong. I do. We were playing a game we should never have been playing in the first place, and it got way out of control, and I'm sorry. I know I hurt you. I knew I would hurt you. I knew I was taking advantage of your love for me. I knew I was taking you for granted and manipulating you and it was all about me getting what I wanted, and I was wrong. I shouldn't have wanted it. I don't actually want it. I'm sorry I did it. I wish it never happened. This is not how I want our marriage to work. You deserve better from me. You don't deserve any of this. You have every right to be as hurt and as angry as I've made you. It's not your fault. None of it. It's all me."

I felt Susan's eyes on me.

"That's a start." I said. "Thank you."

"Well," said Susan. "It seems that we've gotten somewhere today. Good work, both of you. Now. There are some choices to make. I can't tell you what to do, Linda, but I can tell you that your continued association with these people, especially... Dee? That is not compatible with the outcome you say you want. They've clearly been a destructive influence on your marriage. And I hope I don't even have to tell you that continuing your affair with mister LaValliere is a non-starter. You'll have to break off all contact with him, immediately, if you want to have even the smallest hope of remaining married."

"It's not an affair."

"I'm afraid it is." She smiled sadly. "You might choose not to see it that way, but yes. It is. It counts. And the level of honesty that Jim is holding you to? You're going to have to keep it up. No more kidding yourself. No more deciding what you think Jim deserves to know and what he doesn't. It's far too late to try and keep playing those games."

"I... I know that, now."

"And Jim. You're going to have to figure out how to move forward. Are you finished running away, yet?"

"Mostly. I think I want to move back into the house."

Linda's face lit up with surprise.

"Not like that, Linda. For the kids. There are going to be changes. Specifically, our sleeping arrangements. Also, I won't be there full-time. Neither will you. Did you look at the paperwork L.W. prepared?"

"No. I still don't accept any of that. You're my husband. All the way. Forever. You're stuck with me, mister." She smiled, hoping to charm me. A month ago, it would have worked. This time, it didn't. She could see it in my face.

"There's clearly still a lot of work ahead of us," said Susan. "But, as I said, it's a good start. My next appointment should be here now. Linda? Is next Tuesday all right for you again?" She nodded. "I'll want to see you, too, Jim, one on one. When are you available?"

"I've got some stuff to arrange. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I'll expect that." She stood up. "Again. Good work. Miles to go, but we're moving in the right direction."

***

I met my family at home for dinner that night, which surprised everyone, including me. I'd called ahead, and rang the doorbell at my own fucking house, which was weird.

Emma and Tommy were on me like Dino on Fred Flintstone. I was instantly bowled over by a tiny tornado of arms and legs and "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" They were also VERY intent on telling me all about someone named 'Charlie.' It took me a minute to realize they were talking about the Nessman's new puppy.

"Jim. This is your home. You don't have to ring the bell." Linda had on a nice dress and an apron, like she'd just stepped out of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. As much as she was trying to put me at ease, she was making a performative effort, too. Her smile- that smile that used to make me melt- that self-conscious, half-embarrassed smile that says 'aw shucks, I'm not pretty, don't look at me like that'... it seemed awkward. Forced. Artificial. Maybe it had always been.

I merely grumbled and kept my attention on Emma and Tommy, who were still yammering on about everything they could think of- Charlie the dog, and Emma said this and Tommy said that and we needed to get a puppy, too, and we were going to name him Sven like Sven in Frozen even though he's not a reindeer, but dogs are like reindeer, aren't they?

Somewhere in all that mess, Emma asked me "Did you find the Trolls, Daddy?"

"Yes. Yes, honey, I found the Trolls. Some of them, anyway. Not where I expected. But I think I can find more."

"So you're strong now! You can defeat the Villain and come home!"

"Something like that, yes. I can come back home, kind of, but the Villain isn't beaten yet."

Linda was looking at us and suddenly realized who 'the Villain' had to be. She staggered back towards the kitchen and said something about dinner being almost ready.

It was meatloaf. Goddamnit. I really did love her meatloaf. And yes, she was trying to 'make it up to me.' Linda and I barely said ten words to each other during the entire meal, since the kids would just not stop talking the whole time. They were desperate to keep me engaged with them, even if they were prattling about nothing at all. I'm sure they could sense the tension between their parents and were doing their best to run interference between us.

Eventually, they wore themselves down and they insisted on watching 'Frozen' with me before pajamas and toothbrushing and storytime and bed. I managed to mostly avoid Linda throughout the process, and I'm sure she was aware of it. Three hours later, I was ready to head out.

"Jim, you don't have to leave," said Linda. "We haven't really gotten to talk."

"I kind of do," I replied. "Look, I'm going to come by later and move some stuff around before I'm back. Things are going to be different. We're not going back to how it was."

"I understand that, honey, I really do." She was careful about how she said 'honey.' She wanted it to be casual, relaxed. Just a deliberate little slip, meant to seem natural. It was a calculated risk on her part, and we both knew it. "But it's been hard, with just me and the kids here. I've basically been a single parent for almost three weeks. It's a lot of work, and I'm so lonely. I NEED you here, Jim. We all need you. The kids need their father and I need my husband."