Fire

“Make me forget Max. Just for a little while.”

He nodded and pulled me into the bedroom where he stripped me. Then he pulled me to the shower. He ran the water extra hot and scrubbed me. I didn’t even realize that I was still smoky and grimy with soot. But Max cleaned me off. He did all those things that I do when I’m in the shower. He scrubbed under my nails and washed out my ears. Like beach sand, soot and smoke get everywhere. He cleaned me off and pulled me out of the shower. I was there, but my mind was detached somewhere else. It was like I was observing the action that I was a part of. He dried me off with a big fluffy towel. He then pulled me into the bedroom and had me lie on the bed. He covered me up and scooped up my clothes. I started to protest, but he said he would be right back. He took my clothes and threw them in the washer. Then he joined me in bed.

I didn’t know what to do. We had crossed a line somewhere. I let him lead me. He pulled me into his arms and just held me. He occasionally kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my hair. I wanted to scream that I didn’t deserve such warmth. But I needed that warmth, that compassion. So I stayed quiet and enjoyed what he was doing. I had shut my eyes and I felt him kiss the closed lids. He kissed the tip of my nose and each cheek. I felt him kiss my chin. I knew it was coming and I didn’t want to stop. I wanted this, needed this. I was lost and was hoping to be found. I felt Max lower his lips to mine. It had been so long since I had done this, since Jake. I was twenty-seven, it had been thirteen years. My god, I had missed this incredible connection. I opened my mouth and let him in. My lips rubbed against his as his tongue lightly, playfully stroked mine. I heard myself whimper and felt his resulting groan reverberate through the both of us.

I rolled him over on his back, wedging myself between his legs. I was hard and positioned just right. I held him tighter as I pushed forward. Oh god, it just never ends; this connection. I had eased completely inside and I just stayed, savoring the warmth and rightness of it. This was home. We were still kissing, moving lips over each other. I put my hands in motion, stroking his body. His arms, his legs, his chest and stomach: over and over, building him, stoking his fire. I began to move my hips, pulling out and pushing forward. Oh my, we were building fast. But I held tight control over the rising feelings. The sensations were better than any other I had ever experienced, but I stopped the end, held on to my climax by the fingertips. My eyes had been shut from the moment we kissed, making my other senses take over. The taste of his kiss in my mouth, the smell of sex and warmth in my nose and the passionate moans and groans filled my ears. But my skin was over-sensitized. I felt every square inch of his skin against mine. I felt his hands skimming over my back and his thighs bracing my hips as I moved inside him. I felt our sweating stomachs graze against each other, wedging his stiff cock in the hairy, wet cocoon. I felt his nipples, hardened and beaded, against my chest, raking through my thick chest hair. I felt my own nipples brush his warm chest. His stubble covered cheek brushed mine. I was beyond ready to cum, but I was waiting for Max. He pulled away from my mouth and tried to catch his breath. I didn’t open my eyes because I wanted to stay in the sensual haze. Then I heard his deep voice tell me to let go. I shook my head, not wanting it to be over. He caressed my cheeks and kissed the tip of my nose and told me again to let go. It was too much. I tightened up everywhere, I was going to cum and it was going to be with my whole body. The first wave hit me, causing me to erupt. It almost hurt I came so much. I kept releasing, the spasms lasting for long seconds. I was spent and drooping, collapsed completely on Max. With my final plunge, I felt him grip me and explode between us, coating our torsos with his thick release.

I felt myself drifting to sleep. I knew I was too heavy. For countless minutes I tried to move, willing my sated muscles to lift off Max. But when I finally did move, Max grabbed me and told me to stay. I relaxed and fell asleep, still wedged inside his body and nestled in the cradle of his arms and legs. He had lowered his legs so they wouldn’t cramp, but he let me lie there and sleep, safe and content. I don’t know how long I slept, time really had no meaning to me. But it was still dark. I was lying with my head in the crook of his neck and shoulder. His arms were around me and he was hard between us. Feeling him like that made me stiffen and lengthen inside him. I pulled my head up and looked at him, he was smiling but his eyes were closed. I kissed him. I initiated it, I moved my mouth over his, waiting for him to wake if he was sleeping. He smiled even more and opened up, meeting my tongue. I undulated my hips and he arched his back. God, I loved his ability to move with me. I moved over and over inside him, feeling him build, knowing that we would explode again and soon. It was no time at all before he was gripping me, inside and out, writhing in completion, coating my belly with his essence. It was enough, it was too much, I clamped onto his mouth as I poured into him. The waves calmed, this release was mellow, drawn out and smooth. I slid out of him and turned us to our sides. I realized that we had forgotten something.

“I’ve never forgotten a condom before, Max. I’m sorry.”

He smiled at me as he caressed my face with his hand. “Don’t be. I know you are careful and for me it’s not a possibility. It has been far too long.”

I smiled, a slow, caring smile, hoping he’d see how much this meant to me. “How long?”

Max looked embarrassed, but he met my eyes. “Since John died. He was my first and only. Until you.”

I was humbled. Four years was a long time. I found myself opening up and sharing about Jake. I told him all about the time we spent together and the tragedy that parted us. I watched empathy enter his eyes. He told me that he and John met when they were both fourteen; that they had been inseparable since. He was now thirty-one and he had been alone since that night long ago when he got the news that John’s car careened out of control on a patch of ice and he was dead. I wanted to ask why me? But I was never going to, insecurity wasn’t really something I was familiar with. I was uncomfortable with it. But he saw too much in my eyes.

“It was time Sam. I had been thinking about getting out for a while.” He chuckled and grinned. “You came up and surprised me.”

I grabbed him and kissed him again. I don’t know why I was avoiding kissing. It was so much a part of making love. No it was just sex. My detachment was crumbling. But we didn’t have sex again. We just kissed a few times. He twisted around so he spooned against my back. He held me and stroked my chest. Within seconds, I was asleep.

I woke up in bed alone. The sun had risen, but it hadn’t been up for very long. I was lying on my stomach and I reached out for Max, missing his presence. He walked back in the room with a mug and my clothes, folded in a pile in his arms. He had washed and dried them while I slept. He handed me the mug and went and got another for himself. The coffee hit my system and I was up and ready for the day. I think it was more the night I had just spent rather than caffeine, but I wasn’t sure. Max got back in the room and sat by me on the bed. He asked how I was doing. All I could do was smile. I polished off my coffee and took his mug before pulling him down and under me. I started kissing him again, feeling his lips mold to mine as our tongues caressed each other. I felt him stiffen under his robe. I pulled it off him and dove onto his erection. I bobbed on it with my mouth. I made him wet and so hard that when I pulled off it slapped against his belly. I had a hard time pulling it away so I could put it back in my mouth. He was steely and beautiful. I kept moving over him, swirling my tongue until I felt his testicles tighten against him. I moved off him, slid between his legs and impaled him in one swift, hard thrust. I was in him to the hilt. The moment I hit his prostate, he exploded, crying out, screaming with pleasure. I waited for his spasms to stop, willing my own release away until he had calmed. When he was relaxed again, breathing near normal, I started to move. I moved in achingly slow thrusts. Pulling almost out before pushing all the way back. He gripped me, milked me. I was powerless. I was lost in the sensations. I kept my movements steady, pushing into him, building up. I felt Max build too. It had only been a few minutes, but I felt Max clench again. I felt his release against my stomach as I exploded inside him. I usually don’t cry out like that. I usually keep quiet, but I couldn’t this time. It was too good.

I was nuzzling his throat with my nose, feeling sated and warm, enjoying the afterglow. Then I heard Max. “I love you.” I froze. His saying it didn’t bother me. The truth is I needed to hear him say it. I wanted those words and for them to be true. But what scared the life out of me was how close I came to saying them back. I sat up and turned from him. Max curled up around me and told me it was okay. I stood up. Guilt and remorse was flowing through me. I was so confused. Max simply stood and handed me my clothes. His face was a mask. He smiled tightly at me. I finished dressing quickly and was heading for the door. He had put his robe back on and followed me to the door. I wanted to say something, I tried to say something, but nothing came out. Max smiled and kissed my cheek before pushing me out and closing the door.

The next few days were kind of a blur. I felt bad, I felt like a liar and a cheat. I was lying to my friends, my coworkers and Max. I was lost. I didn’t go see Bill in the hospital either. I went to work and fought the fires, but my mind wasn’t in it and that could cause people to be hurt or die. My commander told me to take a few days off. I agreed. While I was home one night I heard a knock at my door. It was Max. I was so happy to see him and also confused. He didn’t know where I lived. I was also enraged. I had set up the walls. I was living my life and he was threatening that foundation. He was pulling me towards something I didn’t know if I was ready for. I got angry and pulled him inside. “What the hell are you doing Max? Are you stalking me?”

His smile faded, his face a mask of confusion and pain. “No, I just…”

I refused to feel guilty about this. “What, looking for answers. I don’t have any.” I knew it was cruel, but I was trying to save myself. “It was just sex. That’s all it was. Sex. A fuck. Get over it.”

I watched a wall come up inside him. I knew I had just reached in and taken his heart and slashed it in two. But I couldn’t stop myself.

“No Sam. I’m not stalking you. Yes, I know it was just sex. I’ve always known it was just a fuck to you. But it turned into something more for me. But you, that’s right, you, kept coming back. Grow up! The next time you come to me, you better get your own life in order.”

Oh God! I felt like I was two inches tall. He turned and walked to my door. Just before he got there he handed me a piece of paper.

“Don’t forget to vote.”

Then he was gone. I looked at the paper. It was a campaign pamphlet. Oh god! All he was doing was doorbelling. I felt even smaller. I knew I was wrong. I knew I was hurting him to keep myself from hurting. But it wasn’t working. I was hurting.

I found myself at the hospital. I was standing in Bill’s room, overlooking him lying in bed. His arm was wrapped in gauze and he was slightly drugged. I just sat by him. I had his left hand wrapped in mine. I was so confused. I was hurting. I knew that what Bill said was the truth. It wasn’t my fault he got hurt. It could have happened to the little girl and me. I knew I was crying. But I was also letting go of the guilt. I was healing. I noticed the wedding ring on his hand. I knew it was a symbol of everlasting love, commitment and fidelity. An idea formed in my mind. It was good that I was there that night with Bill. My life became clear. I understood what my fears were. Fear kept me alone and afraid. I decided to let it go. Bill woke up a few minutes later. I was smiling at him. My first words out of my mouth told him I was gay. He just nodded and smiled back. He told me that he knew. I told him that he was my best friend and I loved him like a brother. He told me he and his wife just found out that number eight was on the way.

“I’m sorry I stayed away.”

“I understood.”

It was all we needed to say. I left his room before dawn. I think we were both feeling better about each other. He was going to heal just fine. He was going to be a father again. He could still do what he loved. I was going to be happy. I choose to be happy. I made a couple of stops early that morning before going and seeing my commander. I told him that I was fine. That I worked out my problems. He was relieved. The arsonist and a flu virus were hitting the force hard. I agreed to work that night. Max would have to wait until tomorrow.

The first call of the night was at the home of a senior citizen. She didn’t make it and was overcome by smoke. Chalk up one more body for the arsonist. We were on our way back to the station when the fourth alarm went out for another fire. I wasn’t paying attention to the address. We were going to an apartment complex and we were to be a ladder hose. I was getting the gear ready, prepping the team. It wasn’t until we pulled up to the complex that I recognized the address: Max! All I could think about was Max. Oh god. He had to be okay. But years of training had me shutting it off. My crew and I did our job. We lay down suppression streams on the roof and tried to knock out the flames. Within a couple of hours the fire was done. I was on ember duty; we raked through the charred remains of furniture and walls, dousing the slightest possible flame up. I heard the inspectors say that it was the arsonist. The fire started on the fourth floor. My blood ran cold. I had been checking the crowd, searching for Max. I hadn’t seen him. That was when they carried out the first body bag. It was followed by two more. I bent in half. Everyone thought I was overcome by heat and smoke. I sat hard on the ground as they pushed oxygen. They had found the bodies on the fourth floor. I was numb, but tears poured off my face. I realized I loved him and now he was gone. I had figured it all out while sitting with Bill. I love him. I never got the opportunity to tell him. My last words were spoken in fear and anger. Oh god!

Then I looked up into the crowd. Max had pulled up to his complex. He ran to the barricade. All I could think was that he was okay. I stood and ran to him. I had thrown off my bunting coat and I didn’t have a shirt on. I ran right to him and wrapped him in my arms and almost squeezed the life out of him. I kept chanting his name. I kept hugging him. Then I pulled back and looked in his eyes. “I love you, Max.” Then I kissed him. It was hot and hungry. I needed to know he was alive and I kept kissing him. Over and over I moved my mouth over his, feeling him alive and warm and in my arms. I pulled back from him and looked in his eyes. I told him where my spare keys were and told him to go to my house. I kissed him again. When I pulled away, I noticed the television cameras. Well, hell. I guess I had no choice now. I was out. I sent Max off to my house and rode back to the station with the crew. Some of them laughed, knowing I was probably in deep shit with the commander. One or two got a little uncomfortable looking, but for the most part, they were simply my coworkers, my family. It didn’t matter. I must have smiled the entire ride back to the station. I was deliriously happy that Max was okay. I also really liked the idea of him being in my home. I liked it a lot.

My smile quickly vanished when we got back to the station. The commander was waiting for me. He was an older man, close to retirement. He called me into his office. Behind his desk was the eleven o’clock news. The lead story was the arsonist and his latest conquests. The second story was Max and I. I sat and watched. When our part came up, I actually smiled. I recognized the look I gave Max. I had seen it many times. Bill gave it to his wife every time he saw her. I had found that same soul-deep connection. I couldn’t stop grinning. The commander simply glared at me. Then his look softened. He told me not to worry. It was only a story. Then he told me to not kiss in front of television cameras again. I went into the locker room and showered, right next to the same guys that I always showered next to. Except I was different, I was open and everyone knew it. But, except for one or two of the guys, no one seemed to care. The married ones really didn’t care. They had someone to go home to. So did I and I couldn’t wait.

I drove home quickly. I couldn’t wait to hold Max. I unlocked my house and found him, sitting on my sofa. He looked lost. I then realized that he lost his home, all his memories and his valuables. I sat by him and pulled him into my arms. It was my turn to comfort him. I pulled him up. His hands were cold; he was in shock. I pulled him into my arms and walked him to the shower. I pulled off our clothes and got into the shower with him. I washed him, lathering his body and I kissed him, often. I pulled him out of the shower and dried him off. I then took him to my bed. It was a large king-size and I held him under the covers. I kissed him from time to time and told him I loved him. Eventually he slept. I was too wired to sleep. I held him through the night. A few hours before dawn I fell asleep too.

I awoke to the sun shining on my face. Max was sitting in the window seat. He was staring out at the backyard. I was now really worried about him. I got up and sat by him. I took his hand in mine. He looked at me and smiled. Maybe things were going to be okay. I brought our hands to my mouth and kissed his knuckles.

“I’m so sorry Max. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t grow up faster. I’m sorry we couldn’t save your home.”

His smile was sad. “There were some pictures that I won’t be able to replace.”

I swallowed hard. It was never easy, my job. “That’s what is so sad about my job. You see memories reduced to ash. But as long as you remember up here,” I pointed to his head, “then they never really go away.”

He smiled at me, a true, genuine smile. “You’re right.”

I was afraid of his response and I sheepishly asked. “So will you stay with me?”

He nodded. My face must have exploded in a grin. He laughed. I kissed him. I then picked him up and carried him to bed. He was so very responsive. I kissed him harder. I pushed him down on the bed and covered his body with mine. I kissed him over and over. I rubbed my body against his. Then I looked him in the eye and told him again that I loved him. He told me he loved me too. I slid into him. I moved inside him, swiveling my hips, trying to rock him to the core. He kept arching his back into me, rubbing his chest against mine. This is bad, but I had never been inside someone I loved. I came almost instantly, long before Max was satisfied. I grunted and groaned, bucking and writhing like I was dying before I collapsed on top of him. In the few seconds it took me to come back to earth I knew I had screwed up. My first time after telling him I love him and I was selfish in the sack; perfect!

Then I thought about it. We are going to be together forever, at least if I have anything to do with it. I think it was time I took one of the last steps. I slid out of Max and lay by him, on my stomach. I was nervous, but I told Max that I wanted him to make love to me.