For Love or Friendship

I've known her for so long. It seems almost too long. Yet if I sat down and thought about it, it'd only be four or five years, six at the most. Hardly a lifetime, yet we are still young. For us it feels longer. Friends are hard to come by at the best of times, but to find a friend that your at ease with and you can rely on, perhaps even trust your life with, is even rarer. I was lucky enough to find her. Back when I was fourteen, when I was needy and scared about the changes I was going through. The fact I was smaller than every other boy in my class didn't help. Nor did my mother, who still treated me like a child, instead of a young adult. She spoke to me equally, never judged me for what I did or what I thought. No, she spoke to me like a person, for who I am. I always wondered, why would someone like her talk to me? I was nothing special. Not sporty, not especially clever nor was I really that ambitious. Yet something clicked, no it wasn't romantic, not in the slightest. Yet it was even more special. You wont understand until you've been there, but sometimes you don't need to be loved to feel it.

I was scared though, in this town we still had the three tier system of schools. We had only just met, what if she picked a different school. What if I lost the only true friend I've got? How will I cope? How will I survive? I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I just had to know. Would I be taken away from my soul-mate now that I've just found her? This can not be right. It isn't fair! She gave me a chance and I might not be able to tell her how much it meant to me. Does she know how special she is? Does she know how much I appreciate her? How much I need her? Perhaps even how much I love her. I cant tell her, I dare not. Her friendship means the world to me, I wont risk it. Even if I have to stay quiet forever, she must never know the truth. No I will forget these feelings, I must. From this day forth I make this vow, ill only ever think of her as a friend, no more, no less. Its for the best, someone like her could never love someone like me.

So came that fateful day, today may be the last we spend together. I don't know what to say, who would have thought. This vow is tearing me apart. Yet when she smiles at my silence I know, my eyes have told a hundred words. I manage to ask her what school she hopes to get. She just grins at me, that devilish grin of hers. Shakes her head and tells me to wait. My heart is pounding, a cluster of emotions flood me. Excitement and fear among others. Some too intense to describe, some too distressing to think about. So goes the school bell, the end of our middle school life, teacher passes around our acceptance letters. Sealed, almost taunting us, this will either make or break our dreams. My palms are sweating, my throat is dry and I have butterflies in my stomach. Yet I force myself to open it. Closing my eyes as I take out the letter. Here comes another disappointment in my life. I'm sure of it, I open my eyes. A rush of clarity, I got it. Thank god almighty I got my first choice. But I must find out, I turn to face her, avoiding her eyes. I notice her smile and my heart sinks. She got her first choice, so this is good-bye. She gets up and walks toward me. Well here goes nothing, I suck it up and try to stop the tears. She put her arms around me and told me how happy she was. I forced a smile and told her I was happy for her to. She ruffled my hair, she then showed me her form. I had to double check, were my eyes deceiving me? She had the same first choice as me. Was I dreaming? Quick someone pinch me. Ouch, did I say that out loud? I must've since she's giggling after pinching me. At this moment I can barely breath, I'm that happy.

I cried myself to sleep that night, not tears of sorrow. Oh god no, nor even tears of relief. These were tears of absolute, unrivaled joy. Nobody in the world would ever be as happy as I was now. Yet I just realised what I've done. I've made a vow to the almighty to never think of her more than a friend. How could I be so stupid? I've perhaps lost the love of my life, and why? Because I'm too scared of rejection. Afraid she would've laughed at me. I know her better than that, she wouldn't do that to me! Would she? Well its too late now. What's done is done. What's said is said, and with god as my witness, I never break a promise. Even if it will hurt me.

Upper school was extremely tough for me, I never really had a group. Truth be told I was very unpopular. Perhaps even a loner. But there was always someone ready to talk to me. That's right it was her, despite my knowing she could fit in with any number of groups, she was that perfect in my eyes. Without her I don't know if I would've made it through, but I did. And I even did better than expected in my exams. Coming out with a B in math, a B+ in English and most shocking of all, an A in science. I didn't get lower than a D in any subject, in fact the only D I got was in Geography. And who was first to congratulate me? Of course it was her, I didn't have to ask how well she did. I already knew, the shine in her eyes told me everything I had to know. She passed with flying colours. As per the norm. I was very pleased for myself, but even more-so for her. My genius angel. My beautiful friend.

Six years have passed since then, yeah its definitely six. Much has changed, I'm now a banker. A boring job perhaps but That's ok. I never really had many dreams, and it gives me the chance to talk to people. You'd be surprised just what a banker hears. As for my angel, she's an art student, if you ask me, she's going to be huge. Her art is a refreshing traditional style, she paints what she see's in her eyes and heart. Not what she thinks people want to see. I think she's very talented and that her part-time job, in a hospital coffee shop is beneath her. But she tells me she likes it, that helping people makes her feel good. I'm not surprised look what she's done for me over the years. Always been there for me. We don't talk quite as much, both been busy. But we talk on the phone as much as we can. Generally every Monday.

This Monday was no different, she phoned me at 5:30pm. That's the time I get in from work, I was expecting another of our epic phone conversations. Instead what I got was instructions, meet her at her work. She had something important to tell me, something she's been meaning to tell me for along time. Something that cant be told over the phone. I told her id be about thirty minutes. Then she hung up. I don't think anyone has ever gotten ready so quick. My mind was going a mile a minute. Hundreds of thoughts were going around in my head. One that was the most prominent was the thought that maybe, just maybe she felt the same for me as I did for her. I've tried to fight it god I really have.

I arrived at the coffee shop, five minutes early to and instantly spot her. She looks quite simply radiant. A long, stylish red dress. Lovely diamond earrings. Absolutely stunning. Beautiful. That's the only word for her, beautiful. She ushers me over and takes my hands as I sit. For what seems like forever there is silence, until she speaks to me. Words I hoped id never hear, she's meet someone and is going on a date tonight. She just wanted to tell me, her best friend. And to ask if she looked okay. I once again sucked it in and somehow squeezed out I was happy for her and that she looked fine. She stood, thanked me and told me she had to go. I should have stopped her, grabbed her wrist and tell her how I feel, but I didn't. Instead I watched the love of my life walk away to spend the evening with someone else.

My heart felt like it had been ripped out. Like a thousand daggers were stabbing it. Like it was damaged beyond repair. I ran straight home, ignoring everyone and everything. I didn't even bother getting dressed or eating. I just ran to bed and cried. I cried for hours and hours. I cried myself to sleep, only this time they were tears of sorrow. When the thought hit me, things would never be the same again. If only I had chosen to follow my heart instead of sticking to friendship. How would I ever recover from this?