Forever Gone, Forever You

"Bonnie wants you to call her," she said. "She told me to tell you that she loves you and she made a mistake. She says that you guys can get past this." Then she stood there as if I was supposed to send a message back or something.

It was awkward as hell. The two of us just stood there not saying anything. Finally she broke the silence. She probably spoke because she was getting bored and wanted to go do something else.

"Don't you want to give me something to tell her?" she asked. "Or aren't you going to call her?

"Nope," I said.

"No, to which one?" she asked.

"Both," I said. "I have nothing to say to her, period."

That brought on another awkward interval of standing and not talking. I was tempted to say something stupid, like, "Nice weather we're having." But I didn't. So she had to talk again.

"Look Grant, you don't need to talk or anything do you?" she asked. From the expression on her face I got the idea that she'd just asked to be polite but really didn't want to be here or be involved in this.

"Nope, no talk," I said.

"Well," said Brenda. "The doctor is going to let her come home tomorrow anyway. You can talk to her then, right?"

"Okay, now we can talk," I snapped. "Tell her not to bother trying to come back to my fucking house. I don't want her or her baby here. She can move in with your parents."

Brenda jumped back. I think she was shocked at my tone and the vehemence in my voice.

"Uhm, Grant what's going on? You and my sister are in love and all of that shit. Why can't she come home?"

"Ask her to explain it to you," I snapped.

"But Grant, she can't stay with the parents. Mom and Dad have Marie and Tara right now. There's not enough room for them, the new baby and Bonnie."

"You guys can work it out," I said. "My girls can always come home, or stay with your parents. Bonnie could move in with you. Or she could move in with your parents if the girls come home."

"I'll try to tell her that," said Brenda. She turned and started walking back to her car. At the last second before I closed the gate she looked at me and said, "I don't know what my sister did. But I do know that she loves you very much."

I closed and locked the gate and went back to drinking. About a half hour later my iPhone rang. I had about three beers in me so while I wasn't drunk, I wasn't as sharp either. I answered it.

"Grant, why can't I come home?" asked Bonnie's tearful voice. "We have to work this out. I can't be happy without you. I know that you don't understand any of this and you're feeling really hurt and really angry but I..."

"But you, what?" I yelled into the phone. "You got bored so you went out and fucked some guy for excitement?"

"No," she said. "I did it for us."

I was floored. This bitch was out of her cotton picking mind. I had nothing to say. I couldn't think of one word that would make any of this real."

"This was our dream," she said. "And it was wonderful."

"Have you been going to those web sites and reading those stories about those poor deluded guys who fantasize about or don't mind their wives fucking other men?" I asked. "Because you should know that I'm not like that at all."

Bonnie started crying and bawling into the phone. I just hung up on her. A short time later, she called back. This time, my brain was functioning so I didn't answer the phone. A couple of hours later the phone rang again. I looked at my caller ID and saw that it wasn't Bonnie's number. It was her parent's home phone. I answered the phone. I didn't want to be rude to her parents. They had never treated me badly so there was no need for me to do it to them.

"Daddy, I have a question for you," said Marie.

"Hi, Angel," I croaked. Despite my need to be depressed and angry, there was no way I could ever take it out on her. That nasty voice in the back of my mind finished the sentence for me, "Even if she isn't mine."

"If you're home, why am I stuck here at Grandma's house?" she asked. "I didn't mind being here while you were at the hospital with mom, but I should be with you. Come and get me."

"Angel, I would love to," I said. And I wasn't lying. "But I've had a couple of beers so I really shouldn't be driving. I especially shouldn't drive with my baby in the car."

"Oh Daddy, "she giggled. "I'm not your baby anymore. I'm your teenager. I'm fourteen."

"Marie, you'll always be my baby," I said. "No matter what happens and no matter what anyone says."

Before she could reply I heard another voice in the background. "Daddy, I'm your baby," said Tara. "Brandy can be mom's baby and I can be yours since Marie is so old now."

I couldn't help myself, I laughed.

Then Bonnie's father came on the line. "Grant, what is going on? Bonnie's been crying all day. And I know that you not coming back to the hospital had something to do with it. She won't tell me what this is all about, but whatever it is the two of you need to talk. You can't settle anything without talking."

"You're absolutely right, sir," I said. "I'll stop by the hospital tomorrow and talk to her."

"Aren't you going to bring her home?" he asked.

"It's possible, but not very likely," I said.

The next morning, bright and early, I went to the hospital. There were a few cheers when I walked in. Several people told me they'd been sure I'd come back. I ignored them all. A couple of the nurses told me they'd seen lots of cases of the "Daddy Jitters."

I went into Bonnie's room and stood by the door for a few seconds before she noticed me. A nurse was disconnecting the tubes and electrodes that linked her to the monitoring machines and gave her meds and pain killers.

When she saw me her whole face lit up and she held out her arms to me. Everything inside me wanted to go to her and hug her but I didn't. The nurse cautioned her, because she'd almost torn out one of the needles in her arm. I waited a few moments and the nurse left the room.

"You can come over here and sit by me," said Bonnie sadly. "Maybe you should lock the door." Her voice had taken on a harder edge.

"Before we get into this and I try to pull your head out of your ass, I need to ask you a question. Why did you lie to your daughter last night?" she said.

"I didn't think I should bring her home without asking you," I said.

"Grant, when I didn't want her to play volleyball, you signed her up anyway. You didn't ask me shit. When I asked you about it do you remember what you said?" I shook my head though I did remember.

"You told me that she wanted to play really badly, and you didn't have to ask my permission to sign your own daughter up for something," she snapped. "But now, because I made a really stupid mistake, that isn't as bad as you think it is, all of a sudden you need to ask my permission just to let her come home and be with her father, whom she loves and misses."

"I'm not her father, I'm her Dad," I said.

"God, you're lucky I can't get up right now," she said. "I swear as much as I want you to hold me, I'd slap the shit out of you first."

"You are her Dad, and her Daddy and her father and her pop and all of those other stupid names for the man who raised her and loves her. Don't let your stupid fucking ego hurt OUR daughter, Grant. I fucked up not her," she said.

"So, I can take her and Tara home?" I asked.

"Of course you can silly. We were never going to do anything different," she said. "They belong with you."

"Well that should make things easy for your parents," I said.

"Of course it will," she smiled. "Your girls were probably driving them ragged. Now they'll have a little peace and their privacy back. You know they still do it don't you. We're going to be like that too."

"How are they going to have any privacy or any quiet with the baby screaming and crying?" I asked. "You do remember that babies do that a lot?"

"Grant, what are you talking about?" she asked.

"Well, Brenda told me that your parents didn't have enough room in their house for you, YOUR baby, and the girls. So if I take the girls with me until we figure out what we're going to do. Then there shouldn't be a problem, right?"

She looked as if she was a balloon and all of the air had just been released.

"What do you mean, until we work this out?" she asked. "You make it seem like there's a chance that we won't. And what the hell do you mean MY baby. Grant, please don't take this out on an innocent baby. She's OUR baby. From the first second that I found out I was pregnant, you've been there, both for me and for her."

"You spoke to her every day while she was in my womb. And now you want to abandon her? You rubbed my tummy. You felt her kick. You told her all about us and our family and all of the things we were going to do. And now, suddenly you're not her father?"

"That's bullshit, Grant." Bonnie tried to sit up in the bed. It caused her some degree of pain, but I was unmoved.

"Don't you see, Honey. It was the best pregnancy possible. It was so romantic. It brought us even closer together. And you're going to be the perfect father. That was what this was all about from the beginning. It was everything I wanted for us. It was everything I dreamed of."

Suddenly, it was all clear. I'd been under the impression that Bonnie had reverted to her old sex crazy mentality. I'd thought that this was all some kind of terrible accident. My theory had been that she'd gone out looking for sex, since I wasn't enough for her and ended up pregnant. But this was far worse.

In my version, I hated her and I hated her baby because they both reminded me that I was inadequate. All that I could give her was simply not enough. This was simply much worse. The woman I loved had whored herself out with the express purpose of getting pregnant, having another man's child and tricking me into believing it was mine.

Her child had been no accident born of carelessness or bad luck. This had been a planned betrayal. My heart hurt even more though I hadn't thought that was possible. My eyes filled with tears and I had to look away from her.

"You understand don't you?" she asked. "You see it now, right?"

"I wanted...No I needed for us to have a baby together, Grant. I love you so much that I just had to share this experience with you. And as much as I wanted it to be OURS, it just didn't happen. I dreamed of us making love, the way we always do, and your seed growing into a mini us inside of me. I prayed for it. I craved it. I wanted for us to do all of the things we did while I was pregnant. It was wonderful, so wonderful. I swear that she'll be all YOURS, just like the others. No one will ever know.

"Yeah," I said slowly. I tried to keep the anger out of my voice and keep my voice down. "No one will ever know that the woman I foolishly believed loved me the way that I love her whored herself out for a selfish fantasy. No one will ever know that our girls and our life together just weren't enough for you. They won't know that I wasn't enough for you. I guess they won't know that you broke my heart. But God damn it, they're going to know that this farce ended. They're going to know that I had some degree of pride. They're going to know it because we're over."

"No we're not," she screamed. I noticed faces at the viewing pane in the door. "We're never going to be over. I love you, Grant. It was only sex and it only happened twice. I hate that bastard. I didn't enjoy it. Both times I wanted to kill that smug asshole. But it was necessary. I did it for us and for our baby. It's over now. We're going to be fine."

"No Bonnie! We WERE fine. We were already fine. We had a great life; you me and our girls. I loved you all more than I could ever say. But you fucked it up royally," I said. "When I first got here I had three plans in mind. I had three ways to pull us out of the shit you dropped us into. I didn't know which one to choose so I wanted to talk them over with you and we'd decided which one to go for together. But now I'm back to square one. There's something wrong with you. I can't make any kind of decisions with you. I'll never be able to trust you again."

"What were the plans?" she asked quietly.

"We get a divorce and I get custody," I said.

"Are you crazy?" she asked. "No."

"I didn't want custody of YOUR baby," I said. "I only wanted the other two."

"What about me?" she asked. "Who'd get custody of me?"

"That really hadn't crossed my mind," I said. "I don't really care. I assumed you'd end up with Sergeant Semen or whatever you call your huge dicked, super sperm shooting lover."

"His dick isn't as big as yours is," she said sadly. "I don't want to be with him. I don't love him. He doesn't love me. He just fucks anything he sees. And he's already married. He's one of those guys who just use women, but this time I just used him."

Bonnie was looking at me with pleading eyes. We heard a key turning in the lock but the door didn't open. "Are the other plans better? I don't like that one very much," she asked. "I don't like anything where we're not together."

"We get a divorce and you get custody," I said. "I pay child support for the two I thought were mine. No alimony, though. Your lover can support you. I get as much in terms of visitation rights as possible."

"That one is even worse," she said. "Yeah, I'd get more time with the girls, but I can't be happy without you. And Marie would hate me forever, for taking you away from her. It would all end up seeming like it was my fault. Tara would hate me too. And Brandy would be confused."

Her look told me that she wanted to hear the last plan.

"The last one was for us to pretend that we were still married for the sake of the girls," I said.

She cheered up and actually smiled a bit. "I could live with that for a while," she said.

"Could you have lived with it for ten years," I asked.

"Hell yes," she said. "That plan gives me the best chance of keeping my family together. And I know you Grant. You'll forgive me sooner or later. And you're going to love Brandy too."

"I know what you're thinking Bonnie," I snapped. "And it's not going to happen. First off, I told you it would be a pretend marriage. And it would be only for the sake of the girls. We wouldn't sleep together or have sex. I intended to build a room in the basement for you and YOUR child. We'd simply go through the motions so the kids could have a good life. But there would be no relationship between us." Her jaw dropped open at that point.

"I picked 10 years, not because I wanted to give you time to fix things between us; there is no US. I picked ten years because Tara will be going off to college then and we could go our separate ways. This isn't about us. This is about my girls. Well, the ones I thought were mine."

"Another thing too, the house would be off limits. You can't bring any of your fuck buddies there even for a visit. And when I'm ready to start dating, I won't bring anyone there either," I said.

"You've got this all wrong, Grant," she sniffled. "Everything you said is just wrong. I love you so much that the thought of not being able to touch you or kiss you hurts me. And whether you know it or not, you love me too. I could have you back in my bed in less than a week. And I'm not a whore. I don't have, need or want any fuck buddies except for you. In over ten years I never slept with anyone other than you. I never wanted to. I just wanted for us to share something and I made a mistake in the way I went about it."

"We're married Grant. We always will be. I don't want to have sex with anyone except you. And your great 10 year timeline seems to have missed the fact that Brandy would only be 10 years old when you left us. She'd be too young to understand losing her daddy too. She's your daughter, Grant. She was conceived with you in mind. And you're going to love her as much as you love the other two."

"No," I said.

"No, what?" she asked.

"No to all of that bullshit," I snapped. My voice got louder and a couple of heads poked in through the unlocked door. I was beyond caring at that point.

"I am not going to interact with YOUR daughter. She's too much of a reminder of what I had and lost. I don't give a flying fuck if she doesn't understand losing me in ten years or ten centuries because I am not her father. I don't love you any more Bonnie." She looked as if I had slapped her, and started bawling.

"You did this to us with all of your fucking games. You burned up all the love I had for you. I don't think you ever really loved me to begin with. If you did you'd have tried to see this whole thing from my side. You wouldn't have done this at all if you did. Even if we do decide to try this pretend thing out. I don't think it's going to work. I'm not sure how long I could stomach being around you."

"And I'm not as easy to seduce as you think I am. It was always easy for you before because I loved you. I loved being with you. That is no longer the case. So you'd better find someone else to fuck because if you're waiting for me, your pussy will dry up first. As a matter of fact forget about it. Forget the whole fake marriage thing. First thing Monday morning, I'm filing for a divorce."

I walked out of the room and right past several shocked faces.

Bonnie's father trailed along behind me. "Grant, stop," he called. I didn't stop walking but I did slow down enough that he could catch up to me. There's that respect thing again.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked. By that time we were outside of the hospital and he pulled me down onto a bench in the parking lot. He handed me a handkerchief and looked away while I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Grant, you have to let us help you two fix this," he said. "For the past couple of days things between you and Bonnie are kind of off. I'm sure this has something to do with the new baby, doesn't it."

I nodded. "I heard some of it," he said. "You're the most accepting man I've ever known. Both of my granddaughters love you. And you love them. The relationship you have with Marie is scary. If it was possible to mentally rewrite a person's genetic code, hers would match yours, Grant. She loves you that much. Why were you screaming about Bonnie's daughter?"

"Bonnie's maternal instincts are apparently out of whack," I began. "As you said, I love Marie like she is my own daughter. Most of the time, I forget that she isn't. I think that she does too. It doesn't matter. I love her and Tara both like they were. I went into both of those relationships with my eyes open. I chose to love them both willingly."

"But that wasn't enough for Bonnie. She wanted to have another baby so badly that she went out and fucked some guy just so she could get pregnant. Apparently it wasn't a one-time thing. I'm not sure I believe her about it only happening a few times. I don't know if I can believe anything she says anymore. She planned the whole thing out. Go out have unprotected sex with a guy or guys that she probably didn't even know. Who knows what kind of diseases she could have brought home. And continue to do it until she got pregnant. Then pretend that miracle of miracles, WE were going to have a baby together. She got me to go through all of the things she'd always wanted. All of the things she missed out on when she was pregnant with Marie. And I fell for it. If it hadn't been for an overworked doctor I never would have known. She'd have let me live out the rest of my life never knowing while she and her lover laughed at me about it."

His face fell into that shocked look. He wasn't sure that his daughter was capable of something like that.

"I'm not going along with her plan," I said. "It was one thing for me to play along blindly, when I didn't know. But now that I do, I feel like George Jetson and I just want to get off of this crazy thing."

"What do you want to do?" he asked.