Free at Last Ch. 01

" But there was a war going on. And Anastasia's father left to go help with the war. Far away from Russia. So he left his wife in charge of Russia while he was gone." Ana fiddled and tugged at Monty's ear as Nikolai spoke.

" But the Queen wasn't very good at leading Russia. And the people of Russia got very mad. But when the King mailed her and asked her if everything was OK, she lied and said she was doing fine." Nikolai said. Ana shook her head.

" You shouldn't lie." she said.

" Well maybe you should have told the Queen that." Nikolai smiled. Ana laughed and Nikolai continued.

" So when the King got home to Russia. The people were angry at him because they thought it was his fault. Even though he didn't know what was going on. The people got very angry, and they..." Nikolai trailed off. He didn't think he should tell Ana about the part when the entire family was brutally slaughtered.

" They were kicked out of Russia. And no one knew what happened to them. But the whole family was never seen again." Nikolai said instead.

" Even Anastasia?" Ana said. She looked shocked and sad.

" Yes, At least that's what people thought. But years later Anastasia went back to Russia. And all the people of Russia felt so bad about being mad at her Father, the king, who was such a good king. When Anastasias father disappeared. A very mean and bad king took his place. And the people were even more unhappy. So when they saw Anastasia had returned, they made her the Queen of Russia." Nikolai sugar coated the ending for Ana.

" Was she a good queen?" Ana asked.

" The best." Nikolai nodded.

" Was she pretty?" Ana smiled.

" The prettiest." Nikolai said seriously.

"Good." Ana said. " See you can tell good stories." Ana said.

" I guess I can." Nikolai smiled.

" Nikolai, Its time for your physical therapy." A nurse interrupted their conversation.

" Sorry, kiddo. Gotta go." Nikolai said. The male nurse grabbed his left arm gently and draped it over his shoulder. He helped life Nikolai into the wheelchair.

" Damn, you would think I would stop getting dizzy everytime I sit upright." Nikolai said after he was settled in the chair.

" You lost a lot of blood, that will happen for awhile." The nurse said.

" Whats physical therapy?" Ana asked. As she hopped out of her chair and walked alongside Nikolai.

" It's to help make my arms work again." Nikolai said.

" Your arms don't work?" Ana asked.

" Nope, since I got hurt I can't move them anymore." Nikolai said. Ana looked sad.

" Will you get better?" Ana asked.

Nikolai didn't know how to respond. He hadn't thought about the long term. He wasn't even supposed to be alive right now, if he had had his way.

" I hope so." He lied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nikolai laid back with a sigh. The physical therapy was tougher than he thought it would be. 15 minutes in and his brow was already covered in sweat and his arms were on fire with pain. But it was nothing compared to the night he had decided to end it. Nothing could compare to that pain.

At first he had refused to do anything his physical therapist had said. He didn't want to get better, he didn't want to be there, he didn't even want to be alive. Why should he waste his time trying to fix what he wanted to stay broken?

Finally the physical therapist had had enough and said if he didn't want to work then fine. But he wasn't calling anyone to take Nikolai back to his room. After half an hour of sitting looking like an idiot stranded in a wheelchair, Nikolai admitted defeat and worked hard to clench and unclench his hand.

" Nikolai!" the voice penetrated his mind which had almost drifted off to sleep. He turned his head and saw Ana skip into the room.

" Hey, kiddo." Nikolai said sleepily.

" Can you tell me another story?" Ana asked.

" Not now, Kiddo. I'm kind of tired." Nikolai yawned.

" Aw, but-"

" Sorry, Ana. But I'm really tired right now. And my arms hurt like crazy." Nikolai just wanted her to leave so he could sleep.

" OK.... You can keep Monty if you want to. He'll make you feel better." Ana said and laid Monty on Nikolai's shoulder so the bear laid in the crook of his neck.

" But you need Monty." Nikolai was touched that the little girl cared so much about him that she would lend her, what seemed, most prized possession.

" Monty says you need the help more than I do right now. And Monty's ALWAYS right." she said.

" well...Alright, if Monty insists." Nikolai said. Ana smiled and left the room. Nikolai turned his head so he could see Monty. He smiled and began to drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" So how are you today?" Henstridge asked.

" I thought we got to talk about what I want to talk about." Nikolai said.

" Well, what do you want to talk about?" Henstridge asked.

Nikolai thought for a moment.

" I don't know." He finally said. Henstridge nodded and scribbled something down.

" So then, how are you today?" She repeated.

Nikolai rolled his eyes. " Fine I guess." He said.

" Just fine?" Henstridge asked as she scribbled something else down.

Nikolai looked at her quietly for a second. " What do you want me to say? I tried to commit suicide not to long ago, I'm just dandy thanks." Nikolai said sarcastically.

" I suppose you're right. How have things been around the hospital?" she asked.

" Fine I guess." Nikolai looked at the floor.

" Have you had any visitors?" she asked.

" My your just full of questions, aren't you." Nikolai spat at her. When she showed no signs of changing the subject or reacting to his anger he sighed.

" You know as well as anyone I have no friends or family." he said solemnly.

" that's not what your landlord told me." Henstridge said and she looked through a file that sat next to her and pulled out some papers. Nikolai frowned and looked up.

" You talked to Jackson?" he asked.

" He said that for several months a man, who he didn't know, was often seen with you going to or from your apartment." She said.

" That's Justin my boy-.....ex-boyfriend." Nikolai corrected himself mid sentence.

" You two broke up recently?" Henstridge asked.

" If you're thinking I'm some pathetic loser who decides to kill himself because his boy toy left him, then you're wrong." Nikolai snapped at her.

" When did you two split up?" she asked, not responding to Nikolai's anger.

" two weeks ago." Nikolai growled. " can we drop the subject please?" Nikolai asked.

Henstridge nodded and stared and Nikolai blankly for a moment.

" Some of the nurses mentioned little Ana has taken a shine to you." Henstridge said.

" God knows why." Nikolai snorted.

" Do you like kids?" Henstridge asked.

" No." Nikolai growled. He wanted to leave but didn't want to ask for help.

" Well you two seem to get along fine." she pointed out.

" look I don't know she just likes me for some reason. Any chance we could get the nurses to stop breathing down my neck every second of everyday?" He tried to change the subject.

" You're on suicide watch. Its not called Suicide-let-you-do-what-ever-the-fuck-you-want happy-fun-time." Henstridge said.

" Whoa, was that a little bit of personality I saw there? Better watch it Henstridge that could get mighty dangerous." Nikolai joked.

Henstridge smiled and scribbled something down.

" Anas a sweetheart. Her dads not around and from what ive seen she doesn't have any friends or family to visit her. She just wants someone to care." Nikolai said seriously.

" Like you?" Henstridge pointed out.

" Are you saying I'm a sweetheart?" Nikolai dodged the question. Henstridge smiled and wrote something down on her notepad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nikolai watched as the nurse changed his bandages. It had only been a week since he had woken up in the hospital and already the smaller 'tentative' cuts had almost entirely healed, and the two larger ones that were meant to end it were healing.

When she was done Nikolai flexed both of his hands and his left one closed all the way, although very weak, but his right one still did nothing.

The nurse put the old gauze into the trash and walked out of the room without saying a word. Nikolai prepared himself for the lonelyness he would feel in a moment, but it didn't come. A moment after the nurse left a tall man walked into the room.

His hair was dark brown and wavey. His eyes were a familure green that Nikolai just couldn't place. His shoulders were broad and his tight shirt showed muscle that went from his shoulders down to his arms and chest. He wasnt overly muscular and Nikolai was glad, he didn't like jocks. But it was obvious that he had a job that required muscle, he definatly wasnt a Desk-monkey.

Nikolai chuckled at the picture of the big man cramped behind a tiny desk in a tiny cubicle.

" Excuse me, I'm looking for a little girl. Shes about this tall." The man held up his hand at about thigh. "has green eyes, carries around a teddybear by the name of Monty." The man smiled. Nikolai recognized the green eyes as Anas.

" Ana?" Nikolai asked.

" Yes, the nurses said shes been hanging around in here a lot." The man said and stepped slightly more into the room now that he was sure he had the right one.

" Yeah she does." Nikolai glanced at the clock. " Actually she should be here soon. Its about now she comes dashing over here with Monty in tow." Nikolai laughed.

The man laughed and covered his face to hide a blush.

" I'm so sorry I really hope-" He stopped short when he saw the bandages around Nikolai's arms. The nurse had aggrivated the cuts while changing the bandages and small red lines were now visible through the gauze. Nikolai felt ashamed and quickly turned over his arms so they were laying palm down on the bed.

" I hope she hasnt been bothering you." The man said. He tried to cover up his moment of shock, and smiled at Nikolai.

" No, shes a sweetheart. We just hang out and talk mostly." Nikolai said. The feeling of embarassment and shame began receeding and was replaced by a feeling Nikolai hadn't thought he could feel again, happyness.

" Good, I don't get around to seeing her much anymore. I really wish I could but I'm working all the time." He said.

" Yeah shes mentioned that. You can sit, please." Nikolai nodded his head towards the chair Ana normally sat in.

The man sat and a small silenced passed between them.

" Oh, I'm sorry I'm Clark. Ana's dad, though I think you've figured that out." The man held out his right hand and Nikolai felt the shame wash over him again when he couldn't shake it. Instead he offered his left hand and Clark adjusted to the awkward shake.

" I'm Nikolai." He introduced himself.

" Daddy?" Ana said and stood in the doorway.

" Ana-banana." Clark said and opened his arms as Ana ran into them. He scooped her up in a big hug and then bent over so she was hanging upside-down. She giggled and screeched as Clark played with her the way only a father could.

After a moment he put her down and she tried to stop the giggles that still leaked out.

" Nikolai this is my dad!" She said and climbed up onto Nikolai's bed, as they had been doing for awhile now.

" Ana..." Clark tried to stop her but when he saw Nikolai didn't mind he stayed quiet. Ana sat in his lap and played with his motionless right hand, curling and uncurling the fingers for him. The first time she had done this Nikolai had been angry but soon he adjusted and let her do what she want. It didn't hurt and it seemed to keep her busy.

" Daddy, this is Nikky." Ana said, using the pet name she had made for him. " His real name is Nikolai. I thought it was a funny name but its Russian. Daddy, you never told me Anastasia was a Russian name too. Nikky told me the story about princess Anastasia." The little girl rambled while she fumbled with Nikolai's still fingers. The sensation was odd, as he could feel her touching them but couldn't move them himself.

" Princess Anastasia?" He asked him.

" Czar Nicholas II." Nikolai clarrified.

Clarks eyes grew wide and his eye brows raised as he rememebered exactly what had happened.

" isn't that a little..." He searched for the word.

Nikolai brought his left hand up to Ana's head and pushed it down so one ear was covered by his hand and one ear was pressed to his chest.

" I may have used closer to the disney version for my story." Nikolai whispered. Clark relaxed, nodded, and smiled his thanks.

Nikolai released Ana from his weak hold and let his arm fall to the bed again.

" Daddy, Nikky likes boys too." Nikolai's eyes went wide and he blushed.

" Ana." He grumbled. Clark blushed also and smiled at him.

" Must have done a lot of talking." Clark joked. Nikolai blushed harder and looked down embarrassed.

" Nikolai, its time for your session with Dr. Nelson." A nurse walked into the room with an orderly.

" Damn I haven't had this many people in my room since I've gotten here. I'm definatly complainning to customer service about this by the way. don't think I wont let this go." Nikolai said as the orderly stood nearby as Nikolai sat in the chair. It still took him a lot of energy to do simple tasks.

" Oh come on now Nikolai don't give us trouble. I've had a long day." The nurse growled and glared at him.

" Then how bout you go away and I'll stay here and sleep. Sounds like a plan to me." Nikolai said.

Clark raised an eyebrow at the smaller man. The short conversation they had had was pleasant and Nikolai seemed sweet and quiet. Now the man was full of anger and sarcasm to anyone who was close enough to vent at.

" I don't care what you want Nikolai. All I know is that this time your going to stay in there for more then 15 minutes." The orderly threw in as they walked out the door.

" Bye, Nikky!" Ana shouted from the room.

" Bye." He turned and smiled back at her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nikolai scowled at the orderly until the door was shut behind him.

" Man all this anger really takes a lot out of you." Nikolai sighed dramaticly.

" Why do you do that?" Henstridge asked.

" Do what." Nikolai looked at her quizzicly.

" Dodge questions, emotions, feelings, with sarcasm,rudeness or jokes." She said.

" My apologies doctor how would you like me to act?" He rolled his eyes.

" that's exactly what I'm talking about. Its not, by the way, what I want you to act like its about expressing what you feel inside, Not hiding it." Henstridge pointed out.

" Getting right down to buisness today aren't we." Nikolai smiled.

" Your doing it again." She pointed out.

" What? What do you want? You want me to burst into tears about how I want to kill myself because I wasnt loved enough as a child? How I have abandonment issues because my father was to drunk to care and my mother just didn't want me? How I have no friends or family? How my boyfriend left me because I wasnt 'pure' enough for him? Well its not going to happen. I had a good foster family, with lots of money who gave me everything I wanted as long as I stayed out of their way and shut up when it was time to shut up." Nikolai's anger flared.

Five minutes in and he was already ready to leave.

Henstridge stayed quiet through Nikolai's rant. After a moment his anger began to cool and his breathing evened out. He looked down at the floor a stayed silent.

" that's what I want. I want you to express your emotions and feelings. Even if its in a negative way. Do you feel better now?" Henstridge asked him.

Believe it or not he did feel a lot better. But he didn't want to admit it to her.

" No." He lied.

" You said your foster family was rich and gave you what you wanted. As long as you stayed quiet and 'out of the way' as you put it." She repeated what he had said.

" Yeah so?" he muttered.

" So I think one of your biggest problems is that as a child your emotions and creativity were stifled. Did you do any sort of activities that you enjoyed? Sports, art, music?" Henstridge asked, as she scratched down some notes.

Nikolai thought about giving a snide remark back but thought better of it.

" I played the violin, and piano. My foster parents said it would make me fit in with them more." Nikolai said honestly.

" So they tried to change you then. Why did they take you in?" She asked.

" My foster father was a wealthy buisness man. It looked good in front of people. The money the power the perfect children and the heart to take in a boy who had no parents." he muttered. He felt tired and drained after his outburst.

" I see. Did you enjoy it?" She asked.

" What?" Nikolai looked up.

" The violin, and piano. Did you enjoy the music you played. Or just the instruments in general." She said waving her pencil around as she spoke.

" I never chose what I played but yeah I did love playing. I felt...." He trailed off.

" Go ahead." She urged him on.

" I felt special. It was something that my brothers and sisters couldn't do., or couldn't do well. But that I could. Something that made me...." He searched for a word.

" Stand out." Henstridge suggested.

" Yeah." He agreed.

" I think that's enough for today. You made extraordinary progress Nikolai. I'm quite impressed by your sudden change." She said.

" Thanks, I think. Can I go now I'm tired." He said.

" Yes, of course." She stood and walked to the door and called for the orderly who wheeled him back to his room. The room was empty but there was a note left on the chair with Monty guarding it faithfully.

Once Nikolai was settled into the bed he reached over and grabbed the note and the bear.

Nikky I know you get sad after you go talk to that lady

So I desidid you shood have Monty for when you go back.

I hope he makes you feal beter daddy said we wod be back

later and I cud see you later. So I will see you later.

The note was written in uneven, hardly ledigable hand writing and was 'signed' Ana. He smiled and was surprised when He felt hot tears sting his eyes and began crying quietly to himself until he fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nikky, Nikky!" He was woken by the tiny bouncing on his bed. He opened his eyes to see Ana bouncing on the bed and her father looking embarrassed behind her.

"Good morning to you too, short stuff." Nikolai grunted as she pounced on his stomach.

"Ana be careful." Clark said, reaching a hand out to her when she accidentally hit Nikolai's right arm. He grunted with pain.

"It's fine. It's an improvement actually, at least I can feel it now." Nikolai mumbled Clark looked at him silently. He looked like he wanted to say something but was interupted by Ana before he could.

"Do you have Monty?" She asked.

"Sure do. He kept me safe all night, thank you." Nikolai said. He shifted so Monty could be seen under the covers and Ana grabbed him.

"You left Monty here?" Clark asked, surprised.

"Nikolai always gets sad after he goes and talks to that pretty lady. I wanted Monty to make him happy." Ana looked up at Clark.

"She's never given Monty to anyone before." Clark said to Nikolai. Nikolai just shrugged and looked around.

"Alright, everyone out. Time to change the bandages." The nurse came in, making shooing motions at everyone.

"Aw, you talk so sexy to me. Lets run away together." Nikolai rolled his eyes. The nurse glarred at him and ripped a bandage off.

"Ow!" Nikolai shouted.

"Sorry, did that hurt? Maybe you shouldn't have sliced yourself open in the first place." She rolled her eyes. Nikolai glared at her and let her do her work while Clark and Ana waited outside. They heard Nikolai shout several times. And when the nurse finally opened the door and left they could still hear him shouting.

"I'll report you for this! This could be slowing my recovery. I think you did some serious damage, You're paying for my surgery!" Nikolai shouted louder the farther away she got. Clark raised an eyebrow at the angry man.