Guilt

"Look," said Steve, "Lana is here. She's in the living room talking with Tracy and Brandon. Just so you know. And Tyrone is here. Remember him from my office party?" Kevin nodded. "Okay, so there are people for you to talk to, and people for her to talk to. No reason for a scene, right?"

"Right," said Kevin, in a flat voice. "Hey, Steve…" His brother turned around and looked at him inquiringly. "Do you think… do you think Lana would let me apologize?" He continued before Steve could interrupt. "I mean, just apologize, nothing more. Seriously."

Steve was silent for a moment. "I think she would. But I don't think that now is the time." Kevin nodded, seeing the sense of that, and not wanting to take anything away from Amanda. He followed his brother out to the living room. His heart almost stopped when he saw Lana.

She sat on the couch, talking animatedly with Tracy, Amanda's sister. She wore the green dress that had always been his favorite, and he was surprised to see her wearing a necklace he had given her. She looked different, though, and he tried to put his finger on it. She'd lost a little weight, but that wasn't all of it. Her eyes, he saw… they looked tired, maybe a bit sad. It killed him not to go over and hold her, to give her the comfort he was sure she needed, although he didn't know why.

"Leave her alone." Kevin turned to see Tom standing next to him. "Leave her alone," Tom said again, his voice low.

"I will," said Kevin, "I was just, uh… just looking," he finished weakly. He glanced at Tom. "She looks good. But is she okay? I heard she was in the hospital."

"She's fine," said Tom, and it grated at him not to say more. "She's still recovering some, but she's okay."

"I… I… Look, I'm sorry," Kevin finally stuttered out. "What happened that night was all my fault. I know there's nothing between you two. I was a jerk and I just wanted to say I'm sorry." What the hell, he thought to himself. Might as well start the apology ball rolling.

Tom nodded. "I'm not really the one who needs the apology, though."

Kevin sighed. "I know. I'm just not sure that she'd listen to me."

Tom looked at him as though he were crazy.

"What?" asked Kevin uncertainly.

"Listen to you?" Tom asked, incredulous. "Man, she's in love with you. Beats the hell out of me why, but she is. She'll listen to you. Not here, maybe, but she'd listen." He shook his head. "Look, just let her be for now, okay? I know she'll listen, and I appreciate your apology, but I have to say, I'm not sure you're good for her."

Kevin nodded. "Me either." Tom looked at him for a second longer, then went into the kitchen for a drink of his own. Kevin looked around, spotted Tyrone, and went over to say hi. He relaxed as they chatted, although he always had Lana in the corner of his eye.

*******

Lana saw Kevin come in, but quickly turned her attention back to Tracy. They were just chatting about mundane things, but it was fun for her, and it felt good to be out of the house after all the enforced rest. She'd gone back to work on Wednesday, despite Tom's protests, and although it had wiped her out each day, she'd felt better than she had sitting around home all the time.

Kevin looked handsome, she mused. She'd always thought he was, with his windblown blond hair and brown eyes. Steve had many of the same features, but looked a bit sterner than Kevin. Kevin always gave off a relaxed air, even if he wasn't really relaxed. She'd liked that, since she knew she could be pretty high-strung. It was one of the reasons they'd worked well together, she thought. She kept him from getting too lazy, and he kept her from getting too wound up. She sighed inwardly. Too bad it had all exploded.

Her mind only half on the conversation, she remembered the surprise trip he'd arranged for her. Once, she'd told him how as a child, she was so disappointed that she'd never gone to Disneyland. Nearly all of her friends had been, and she couldn't help but be jealous. A few weeks later, for her birthday, he'd given her an envelope with two tickets to Los Angeles and passes to Disneyland. It was the only time in her life she could remember literally squealing in happiness.

The lengths he'd gone to had amazed her. Kevin was notoriously disorganized, but he'd managed to talk to her co-worker and her boss and secure two days off. He had even packed her suitcase for her. Lana tried to bring her mind back to the present.

She retained a small hope that he would apologize, even though he'd never really given any sign that he would. Maybe I should be the one to apologize, she thought. The expression on his face when she'd told him they'd have to move their romantic weekend had made her feel terrible. She couldn't help but feel perhaps she'd driven him to cheat on her, although Tom continually pointed out that Kevin could have said no.

She'd often wondered what she would do if he did apologize and it all came back to the same thing -- she loved him and would take him back. Amanda might scoff, Tom might argue, but she would. She loved him.

*******

The evening passed, and Lana found she had at least managed to be distracted from thinking about Kevin too much. Kevin realized the same thing as Amanda went to open her presents. She squealed in delight at everything, running around with hugs and kisses for the givers. After she was done, he saw Lana come up to her, covering a yawn.

Once again he was hard put to refrain from running over to hold her, to see what was wrong, to help. He was sure it wouldn't be appreciated, and he'd promised not to cause a scene. He watched the two of them, and realized Lana was getting ready to leave. It wasn't that late, but she was obviously tired, and Tom had gone to get their coats. He caught her eyes just before she left. She gave him a small, cautious, sad smile, and left. His heart ached. He had never quite understood that expression until now, but as he watched her go, he felt a growing hurt in the left side of his chest, quite literally.

He went into the kitchen for another beer -- only his third; he had to drive home -- and wandered out to the living room, finding an empty seat near the gift table. He didn't mind that no one was talking to him at the moment. It was better to listen to everyone else talk, he thought. Then he could just drift and not think about what was running through his own mind.

"…and she just got out of the hospital about two weeks ago…" The fragment of conversation piqued his interest. Kevin looked over to see Tracy, Amanda's sister, chatting with her friend, Lourdes. "Poor Lana. I wouldn't have known, except a friend of mind works on that floor. I wish I'd known, I would have visited."

"Was it serious?" asked Lourdes. "I know I don't know her well, but I did think she looked tired."

"Pretty serious," said Tracy. She lowered her voice. "A miscarriage, actually." Lourdes made a sympathetic sound. Kevin felt his stomach tie into a series of knots. He held himself still, not wanting the women to realize he was listening, hoping for more information. "I know," Tracy said with a nod. "And to make it worse, she got some kind of infection afterwards and was in for something like five days."

Kevin couldn't take it any more. He jumped up to look for his brother. How could they not tell him this? He found Steve in the kitchen, throwing some cans and bottles in a bag for recycling.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kevin growled, laying a hand on Steve's shoulder and spinning him around. Steve's eyes were wide in surprise.

"Tell you what?" he asked, jerking back.

"Why didn't you tell me," Kevin said in a low voice, advancing on his brother, "that Lana was in the hospital for a miscarriage?"

Steve was quiet for a moment, staring at the fury on Kevin's face, then sighed. "Come in here," he said, opening the door to the den. Kevin followed him in.

"Look, I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you," Steve said. "But Lana made us promise not to. Me, Amanda and Tom. How did you find out?"

"I heard Tracy talking in the living room," Kevin told him. Steve groaned inwardly. All that effort not to tell him, and Tracy spills it, he thought. How did she even know? "Tell me," Kevin demanded. "Tracy said it was serious."

"It was," Steve said. "She was shopping with Amanda, when suddenly she had awful cramps. They thought it was food poisoning or something, but then she started bleeding, and Amanda drove her to the hospital. Then…" Steve gestured aimlessly. "Then we found out. She had a miscarriage. Then there was an infection, she had a high fever for two days. They were worried about blood poisoning and I don't know what else." Kevin's face was ashen as Steve told the story.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Kevin asked, his voice just above a whisper.

Steve put a hand on his brother's arm, this time to offer some comfort and support. "She didn't know, Kev. She didn't know until she had the miscarriage that she'd been pregnant in the first place. I was the first to want to tell you, but she said she didn't want to, not yet, at least, and that she should be the one to do it. Then she told Amanda that it seemed pointless, that there was nothing you could do and it would only upset you, so she held off some more."

"What's going on?" Amanda asked as she stepped in. She saw their faces and took a guess. "Oh, Steve, you didn't…"

"He found out on his own," Steve interrupted gently. "He heard Tracy talking. Since he knew, I had to tell him the rest."

Amanda looked at Kevin, who sat down and put his head in his hands as he tried to absorb it all. He thought it was hard enough, almost losing Lana by breaking up with her. To know he might have lost her entirely, with no chance to apologize, shook him to the bone.

His sister-in-law sat next to him and took his hand, but he couldn't look at her. "Kevin, I'm sorry. We both are. We promised Lana we wouldn't say anything, but I think we shouldn't have. You should have known, you had a right to. But Steve is right, Lana didn't hide the pregnancy from you. She didn't know until we were out and…" Amanda had to stop, as memories of the fear of that day brought tears to her eyes.

Kevin finally did look at her, saw the sincerity in her face, and pulled her in for a hug.

"It's okay," he said at last. "I understand. But now I'm going to go talk to her. I should have done it long before now, but I can't wait any more." Amanda and Steve both nodded.

"Just take it easy," Steve said as Kevin went to his car. "Don't expect too much."

"I'm not expecting anything," Kevin assured him. "Really. I just need to talk to her, to apologize."

*******

Kevin sat nervously in his car. Lana's place was half of a large house that had been turned into a duplex. The neighbors were a nice older couple who treated Lana like a surrogate daughter, and between them they kept the place looking good. Lana especially loved the front porch; sitting out on a swing she'd found at a garage sale was one of her favorite things to do on a lazy weekend afternoon. He'd found he liked it, too, at least if she was with him.

Getting out of the car presented more problems than he'd anticipated. He'd gone over a dozen or more scenarios in his head on the way over, but still couldn't figure out what he'd say when Lana opened the door. "I'm sorry" was top of the list, but would she even listen? Tom had said she still loved him, but Kevin had a hard time imagining that. Finally he forced himself out of the car and up the steps to the door. He knocked, his arm feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds.

*******

Lana looked up in surprise when she heard the knock on the door. She waited a moment, shoes in hand, to see if Tom would answer, then shook her head when she remembered he had said he was going to meet some Army buddies. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached, she thought to herself. Who could be at the door? She wondered as she went to open it. Had Tom forgotten something? But he had a key. Maybe she'd left something behind at Amanda's and Tracy was dropping it off. She wouldn't admit to herself that she wished it was Kevin.

Her voice died in her throat when she opened the door and saw him standing there. God, she missed him. It was a major struggle not to just throw herself into his arms as he stood in front of her. She wanted so much to tell him what had happened, how much she missed him, how she wished he'd been there…

"I'm sorry it's so late," Kevin said softly. "Can I come in, though? I need to talk to you." He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out for her. Her hair was loose, she still wore the green dress, but she'd taken off her shoes. She nearly took his breath away.

"Sure," she said, moving back to let him inside. She heard him moving into the living room and shut the door, her heart pounding all the while. Taking a deep breath, she turned and walked into the other room. Kevin was pacing over by the dining room table, as he always did when he was uncertain, debating what he should do. "Is everything all right?" she asked quietly.

He raised his eyes from the floor, which he'd been staring at while pacing, and looked at her. The silence had nearly grown uncomfortable when he finally said, "I'm hoping it will be soon."

Lana sat down on the couch, a puzzled expression on her face, wondering what he wanted to say. Would he apologize? Was he waiting for her to say something? Did he think she should apologize? I wish he would say something, anything, she thought, fidgeting with hem of her dress. She blinked and suddenly Kevin was on his knees in front of her, gently taking her hands in his.

"I have two things I need to say," he said. She nodded silently. "First, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He leaned his forehead against hers, hoping she wouldn't draw back. "I was so wrong about so many things I said and did. It was the worst mistake of my life, sleeping with Julia. No, that's wrong." He shook his head. "The second-worst mistake was sleeping with Julia; the worst one was breaking up with you." Bracing himself, he pulled back and looked into her eyes. They were shiny as she held back tears. She bit her lip and nodded again, not trusting herself to talk.

"And the second thing…" he took a deep breath and laid his hand gently against the side of her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He knew he had to be careful here; if she thought he was accusing her of anything, it would ruin everything. "The second thing is, I wish I'd known why you were in the hospital."

"I… I…" she tried to say. He shushed her.

"It's all right. I know," he told her. He shook his head again as she tried to speak, laid a finger over her lips. "No one told me. Steve, Amanda, Tom -- they all kept quiet about it. I overheard Tracy talking at the party after you left. She knew someone who worked on your floor and that's how she found out. I guess none of them knew that she'd found out, or I'm sure they would have told her not to tell me."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Lana said after a few quiet moments, her voice very low. "I was going to. I wanted to, I meant to. It's just that… I don't know exactly. As it got farther away, it got harder to tell you and finally I told myself that there was no point, especially since we… weren't together."

"I understand," he said. He rubbed his hands on her arms. "I do, really. I just wish I could have been there for you."

"I didn't know," she said, at last looking up at him. Tears fell, but her voice was steady. "You have to believe that. I wasn't hiding that I was pregnant. I really, honestly, didn't know until I went to the hospital. I couldn't imagine what was wrong, I'd been feeling fine right up until then. No morning sickness or anything." Her voice caught a bit, and Kevin tightened his grip on her arms. "They must have thought I was nuts not to know, but I was so busy, and stressed, that I really didn't notice I'd missed my period, and…"

Kevin took a chance and pulled her to him, holding her head to his shoulder and running his fingers through her hair. "It must have been hard," he said. "I'm so sorry." He had always loved stroking her hair. It relaxed him as much as it did her. I missed doing things like this, he thought. Then he knew that he had to try to get her back. Even if the answer was no, at least he would know he'd tried.

"I didn't know what to think," she said, relieved to finally be telling him. "It was like getting punched in the stomach, literally and figuratively. Winning and losing the grand prize all at the same time, not even knowing you had a chance at it." Her arms wrapped around him and he savored the feeling. "Then the infection… I'm still not sure what it all was. I know they explained it to me but I was so out of it I couldn't really understand.

"Then there was the question of telling you. Part of me said, of course, since it was your child, too. But then…" she was silent for a moment. "Then it seemed kind of pointless. You were so angry that night when I brought Tom to dinner. I couldn't imagine you wanted to know. Plus, like I said, it was over so quickly…"

"It's all right, it really is," he soothed, rubbing her back. He rose and sat on the couch, pulling her onto his lap. "It's just… when I found out, when I heard Tracy, and then Steve told me the rest… I was so scared to realize how close I came to really losing you. That I almost missed my chance to apologize. So I had to come here, to tell you that." He put a finger under her chin to raise her eyes to his. "To tell you I'm sorry, and that I love you."

"I love you, too." She couldn't help saying it.

"I was hoping," he said, almost afraid to believe what he'd heard her say, "just hoping, that maybe we could try again. We can start over, do things any way you want." Now it was his turn to drop his eyes. "I can't change what happened, I know that. All I can do is tell you I'm sorry, and I know I was wrong, and that it won't happen again. But I need you in my life, if you want me in yours."

They sat quietly for some time. Lana rested her head on his shoulder, holding his hand, while he slowly ran the fingers of his free hand through her hair.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked her. "After you found my emails…"

"I'm not sure," she said. "I know I'm not much for confrontation, but it was more than that. I didn't know what to say. I thought maybe I'd driven you to it, and was afraid to make it worse. I guess I thought if you ended it on your own, that would prove that I was the one you wanted."

"I can't imagine Amanda or Tom agreed with that," he said, almost half-joking.

"No, they didn't," she agreed. "But I really started to be afraid that you didn't want me anymore, especially after I had to cancel our weekend. It's so complicated, or it seems like it. I feel like I talked and thought myself in circles."

"It absolutely was not your fault," he said. "I was angry, I admit, but I should have talked to you about it. Then it happened and I talked myself in circles, too. I kept wanting to tell you, to talk to you about it, but I convinced myself you'd leave and…" his voice trailed off. "…and I should have told you, talked to you," he finished quietly.

After a moment, he continued, "I felt so, so guilty about it. I couldn't believe I'd done what my mom did to my dad. I swore I'd never do anything like that. Then I did and I was so mad at myself. I think that's really what made me say those things when you brought Tom to dinner. I was guilty, and mad at myself for not saying anything, but instead of dealing with it, I turned it around and tried to blame someone else. You." He tightened his arms around her, still afraid his confessions would end with her throwing him out. But she just snuggled closer to him.