Harri: Face the Slut Within Ch. 01

"Very real. And we could use your help. We cleaned up the main floor a little, just to show the house, but that meant everything got shoved into the basement. She hadn't been there for years so it was pretty dusty. Aunt Cathy's house sold last week. They need an early closing date to get into the school district for their kids, which means we've got to empty the place by this weekend."

"Shit," I said.

"Shit you right."

I thought about what it meant to be called in to help, what it meant to be actually useful. I was doing them the favor, but, "Thanks Jess."

"Sure, babe. Anytime." She hugged me. "I know it's not easy ... for you. To come out here. We really appreciate it." She let me go. "And your dad said ... he said I should take care of you. Show you a few things. Get you some new clothes." Jess looked me up and down again.

Suddenly I didn't know where to put my hands. Behind my back would thrust my chest out. In front of me squeezed by breasts together. At my sides they just - stop thinking about it.

She jumped in. "There! Right then, what were you thinking. You stopped looking ... wrong."

I felt heat in my cheeks. "You were looking at me and I didn't know where to put my arms."

"You were in your body. Harriet, that's ... good." She glanced around the restroom. "We should get out of here. Looked like rain outside. I'm thinking we might wait it out at Aunt Cathy's rather than go all the way into town." She shoved my damp clothes into her bag. "We've got some food there for snacks and lunch. It'll be like old times."

The pickup area and baggage claim were underground, and after that we had a couple of flights of steps up to where Jess had parked. I hated steps. Not as bad as mirrors, but steps were still a subtle reminder of the changes to my body. I just couldn't climb them, not in any normal, natural way, and to make matters worse I had Jess's slut thong on. Each step had me rocking my weight from side to side to keep balance and the flexing on each climbing step left me keenly aware of that thong pulling against me. And the rasp of nylon across stubble? That's right, fucking stubble.

Jess was right behind me, staring at the tiny shorts she made me wear. "Stop," she said. I felt her hands on my hips. "Rock these when you step. It's where you center of gravity is. You got hips now, girl." She slid my hips from side to side. "No, roll them. Loosen your spine a little." It was just her fingertips, but they burned.

I don't know what I did, and I don't know how she did it, but it helped. My body was steady, but moving beneath me. Rolling, and it was just walking. At the top she pointed to her tiny beat-up sedan under a lamppost. She unlocked the car.

"Thanks, Jess. Really." I didn't know where this sudden streak of gratitude was coming from.

She laughed. I blushed. "You're adorable. Listen. This is all - I mean. Don't worry about me. Don't even worry about thanking me for at least ... two days. You have enough on your plate."

"Two whole days? That's it?" I climbed into her car.

"I'm an excellent multitasker."

It was good we left when we did. The lamp above where she parked buzzed on against the black clouds blotting out the afternoon light. She started the car and took us out of the lot.

"So tell me, really," Jess said. She glanced over at me, the car swerved a bit, and her eyes snapped back to the road.

"What? What is it? Trouble with the car?"

"It's ... you. The way you're sitting. I could see ... everything. Put those legs together, missy."

I looked down and, well, it's how I would always sit. But now instead of a casual pose it was my legs splayed open with a glisten of black visible beneath the fringe on the high-cut leg. I snapped my legs shut and ... my thighs didn't even touch at the top. Fucking wide hips. I crossed my legs and squeezed them all the way up. "Sorry."

"No, no. It's my fault. They're my clothes and, well, you see why I don't wear stuff like that just around anywhere? They don't fit on me like that, anyway. They're lower and they're certainly looser."

"Are you saying I have a fat ass?" I couldn't care less, and I certainly couldn't disagree with her, but it was too easy a tease to pass up.

"No! You're just, I mean. Look. Neither of us are big girls. It's just that you, now, have curves in all the places I don't. On me those are frumpy. They're still short, but on you they're painted on hot or something."

"Jess, I think you look just fine."

"And I like the way I look just fine. But there is a difference between just fine and, well, hot. The way you look is ... hot. The way I look is just fine, but I'm sure guys would drool just to see you cross your legs like that."

The mention of guys was like a bucket of drool dumped all over me. "Nope. Can't deal with that thought. I'm not going out all week."

"Well, I'm just saying."

"Jess, you don't -"

"Harriet, you don't have to lie to me. If you were a guy you would absolutely not ever try to stare down my shirt or do a doubletake as I walked by. It's just not me."

I uncrossed my legs and grumbled, "If people knew you wore these panties it might be a different story."

She laughed again. "The point is that I'm just fine and always have been. I get along just fine. But let's not pretend I'm any more than I am. It's what's inside that counts, I'm doing great in that department, and, shit, you are too. It's just that now you're the one who's got the body everybody dreams about. What's that like?"

"So you noticed," I said.

"Who wouldn't? When I saw you at the funeral, you looked ... healthier, but not like this. And your dad mentioned, kinda, but how is he going to explain. How are you handling it?"

"Suddenly having everything anyone ever prayed for me to have? Not well, actually. I'm like a woman let out of prison after fifty years. I don't know what to do without the walls. I spent every day in a little box eating gruel everyday and now I have a whole new life ahead of me, literally, and I never gave one ounce of thought to what I'd do with that time. I mean, I honestly don't know anything about myself."

Rather than the rational, uneasy feeling I'd tried to communicate, Jess was excited. "This really is a golden opportunity! Just think of all you're going to learn in the next few days. We have a whole house full of stuff to dig through. Art, clothes, records. You're a brand new woman, Harriet. Ugh, that name. We've got to do something with that name."

Instead of hearing things to discover, for me Jess was pounding down coherent pieces of my identity that might be missing, changing. I didn't want to discover I liked acid jazz. I didn't want to know my whole life had been missing. Tears welled up. I couldn't keep my voice from breaking. "I'm still me."

"Oh, honey," she said.

"Not honey. Harriet. I'm not this," I gestured to myself. "I'm - I'm just not."

"But don't you see? Everything that changed isn't you, not really. Don't you want to know who you are?"

I didn't have an answer to that. Maybe she was right. "I'm crying. This isn't me."

"That's you being tired and overwhelmed. Harriet, who wouldn't cry? I bet you didn't even eat before you got on that plane." She patted me on the leg. And it helped. "I'm not saying we have to chart everything you say, do, and eat. I'm not saying you have to try to change or try to not. It's only a week. Think of it like a vacation. It's not like you could stay forever if you wanted to. You've got Harvard in two weeks. You'll definitely go, and you'll definitely love it. That is you."

"You're right. Thank you, Jess." I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. "I know it's time. I just don't think I'm ready yet."

"Well, it's definitely time to welcome you to Aunt Cathy's tiny mountain driveway." Jess turned off the road.

I nodded. "Finally. Longest car ride of my life."

Aunt Cathy lived about halfway between the airport and town, just off the high mountain pass you had to go over along the way. Nothing was that far as the crow flew, but the incline meant endless hatchbacks. And as the sun dimmed behind the storm clouds, Jess had to drive even more slowly.

"You didn't mind, did you? I hate these roads. And it looks like it's about to start raining. We'll stay down in town the rest of the nights you're here, it's a little weird up here ... without Aunt Cathy, but not for why you'd think. The house is just empty. Nobody lived here for years, and it feels like that. But I just can't drive these roads when they're wet." She turned the last corner up to the house and, with that, the first giant raindrop splat on the windshield. "Oh just hold off five more minutes."

"No, no. It was good. You did exactly right and the talk ... needed to get said. Thanks."

"Bottom line. It might not be the easiest week of your life, but you won't be doing this alone. We'll hang out all week. Matt'll be here. Jimmy's coming up on Saturday before you leave. It'll be just like old times. We might even find a way to have some fun."

"That might be ... nice." I'd meant to say 'best'. I'd meant to say, I can't stop thinking about jumping your bones, so does that make me a slut?