High-Tech Super Hero

If I had to choose a superpower, I wouldn't choose invisibility, or super strength, or even the power of flight. I'd choose the ability to use computer technology in my everyday life. And it's not the really cool extra abilities I'd have, as much as the horrible mistakes it would have saved me from that I find more attractive... simple mistakes like inadvertently calling a new girlfriend fat, that sort of thing.

I got into computers relatively late in life (I was 35) but over the past 20 years I've progressed to a stage where I pretty much live on one now. But, if you stop and think about it, computers have some pretty amazing abilities that almost fall into the category of superpower. As an example, the most used button on a computer doesn't really do anything, but rather it undoes something you just did. How many among us couldn't use the odd "undo" function in real life every once in a while?

If you accidently lock your keys in the car? "Undo!" Accidently forget to file your income tax? "Undo!" Accidently call your girlfriend fat? (You see where I'm going with this.)

Computers also have the remarkable ability to warn us when we're about to do something that is not "undo-able" before we do it. My clients all know I call these warning messages "R.A.T.S. boxes" because I constantly remind them that they must always "Read-All-The-Screen."

I can't tell you how many late-night phone calls I've received from frantic people all hoping that I can somehow wave my magic tech-wand and make everything all better again. These distress calls seem to follow a pattern and typically go something like this.

[RING-RING]

"Hello?"

"DUDE!!!!! You gotta help me man. I've been working all week on this presentation that I have to give tomorrow morning, and I lost it. It's just gone man."

"Ok... Don't get your knickers in a twist. What did you do?"

"Nothing! I swear. I didn't do anything."

"Uh huh. I figured that's what you'd say. Ok, tell me EXACTLY what happened."

"I was working away, I went to save my file an I gets this error message see, and..."

"Wait wait wait. You got an error message? What did the message say?"

"I dunno. I didn't read it."

"You didn't read it? (sigh) OK. What did you do?"

"I pressed 'O.K.'!"

Sometimes I just shake my head.

Research tell us that a common explanation about why many people don't read these warning messages is that they often don't understand what they are being warned against anyway. But what I always tell my clients is that ultimately all R.A.T.S. boxes can be boiled down to the same translation. That translation is;

"WARNING!" "YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING STUPID!" "DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?" OK or Cancel

That being said... it is specifically these two features that I'd love to have access to even when I'm without my computer.

Ok, ok... maybe calling my girlfriend fat wasn't totally an accident. A casual observer might think I sort of did it on purpose but in all honesty, it really wasn't my fault.

Before I continue I feel there are a few things about me you should know. Firstly, I grew up as the second oldest of four boys. My father was also one of four boys, as was his father and his father before him. All told my family tree sprouts five successive generations with a family of four boys and more importantly to this story... no girls. Consequently, today, I humbly acknowledge that I know nothing about girls and at the same time can quite comfortably blame it on genetics. (See... I told you it wasn't my fault.) But... this didn't stop me from thinking that I knew all about girls. I'd seen them around; I'd even sat behind one in school once. They looked like us; 10 fingers... two arms... two legs; I thought they were like us. Well... as it turns out, girls are nothing like us! Who knew?

Secondly, growing up in a totally male dominated household, I was exactly the same as every other White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant-Male at the time. Every guy instinctively knows that if presented with the opportunity to "burn" someone, there was never any discussion... you take the shot! You get points every time you do, and you lose points if you let a golden opportunity slip away. Guys are funny that way. It also doesn't matter if it's your brother, your best friend, your worst enemy; You take the shot.

As an example, take for instance the following conversation.

"Look at that rain outside. It's really ugly out there."

"Ya, well... yer face is ugly!"

"Yer mom's face is ugly!"

"You idiot! We're brothers."

"DOHHHHHHH!"

You also get bonus points if your burn is so witty that not everyone gets it... or at least, doesn't get it right away.

"So... your Mom had one child that was smart and one that was good looking. Right"

"Ya. So?"

"So how does it feel to be the 3rd child?"

It was exactly these two hereditary conditions I was unwittingly saddled with one hot summer evening back in the early 1970's when the new "apple-of-my-eye" presented me with just such a golden opportunity; I mean... she didn't just present it... she served it up on a platter. And I, being the perfect specimen of unbridled testosterone did what I was supposed to do... I took the shot.

At her request, we had gone horse-back riding. I guess at the time I had thought that a good way to impress her was by proving my dominance over dumb animals. In hindsight this was probably not the brightest of ideas, but this is also not the place I needed that R.A.T.S. box.

By the time we got to the stables it was late in the day and the horses were being less than cooperative. The problem was that these particular horses were usually already back in their stall by now and our late arrival was delaying them from their scheduled evening meal... and they knew it. What I noticed as we were riding was that if we were trying to go away from the barns, the horses didn't want to move, but if we were going toward the barns, the horses didn't want to stop. It was very difficult to get them to do what "we" wanted instead of what "they" wanted.

So much for the dominance over dumb animals part.

For some reason though, I was having just a little more success than my date at convincing this particular dumb animal to follow my direction. My date commented on this fact in a manner that sort of questioned why this was so. And THIS is where I needed that "Warning... you are about to say something completely idiotic. Are you really really sure you wish to continue... really?" button... or some kind of "early warning system," or anything really... as long as it had an extremely loud siren with lots and lots of flashing red lights.

It could have warned me that the smartest thing I could have done right then was simply to shut-the-hell up. What I "did" say though, was a comment that alluded to the fact that it was a tad bit easier for me because my horse wasn't straining under the same weigh handicap as her horse was. (Cha-Ching... good one. Two points.)

And just like that commercial... the look on her face was priceless.

And at that point... was I smart enough to leave it alone. Hell no... I chose to move in for the kill shot... so I continued with;

"And from where I sit... it's kinda hard to distinguish between the horse's ass and your ass. Y'know... they sorta look the same to me."

(DOUBLE POINTS.) I was on a roll. I was unstoppable. And this material was pure gold.

Eventually though, her horse moved out of yelling range so I had to stop. It didn't matter, I had proven my worth and she was sure to be suitably impressed. Right?

It took me almost half an hour to realize that something in our relationship had definitely cooled, but for the life of me I had no idea what it could possibly be. (NOW who's the dumb animal?) I do remember actually asking her if she was mad at me. That's when she did this extraordinary thing... she told me she was... and exactly why she was. (I later found out that apparently in the history of the human species, no woman had ever done that before. Usually all the boyfriend gets is a very emphatic "I'm fine!")

I can also remember being totally shocked at her explanation. How could she possibly be upset with me? I certainly didn't mean what I said, and if I had meant it, I'd a never said it. What does she think I am? Stupid? Didn't she know how this worked?

And it's here where the "undo" command would have been soooooo nice.

To be totally honest, I don't actually remember how that date ended, but I do remember that eventually there was another date. In fact, there were many others. And less than two years later we were married and eventually had four children of our own (two boys AND two girls) and in fact, our next anniversary will our 38th. And by the way... we have never gone horse-back riding again, and I still don't understand women.