How I Lost the Second Battle of Berlin

I felt as if a lump of ice were inside me as I responded to her questions one final time, "I thought that a smart woman like you would have figured it out by now. When you started sleeping with Holger did you think I wanted you back? The divorce is already underway and the house will be sold with the assets split evenly. You can keep your job and commute to see Holger whenever you please from now on as I am out of the picture."

A gut wrenching "No!" came over the phone as I abruptly hung it up. That was the last time I ever spoke to my wife again. She tried to call back several times but I would not answer the phone. I know it was childish and stupid but I just didn't want to talk to her anymore.

The next day my daughter called and pleaded with me to talk to her mother but I was obstinate. I politely reminded her that her mother had not talked to me when she unilaterally decided to take off with her colleague/lover. She had no thoughts about my feelings or actions then so what would talking to her now accomplish?

The rest of the story is fairly foreseeable; she was served in California the next day. She flew home to reason with me but I was gone. The lawyers handled the whole thing. Nickole tried to communicate with me but I really wanted no more to do with her. My daughter, ever the optimist tried to mediate but to no avail. Unfortunately, one of my worst traits is that I'm as stubborn as a Missouri mule.

Finally, it was done, the divorce went through and my life went on somewhere else. Was I happy? Not really, but I finally did reach a level where I would say I was content.

I still had major issues to work through, there were times I was so infuriated that I wanted to kill someone. Those times were usually followed by a bad case of melancholia where the mental pain of losing my life partner was as gut wrenching as a beating. It was tough coming back, but every day it seemed to get better as I found a new groove.

Did I think about revenge? The answer is definitely yes. I would've liked to have gotten my pound of flesh. However, in the end, I raged helplessly and never sought to hurt either of them. I felt that surviving her deceit and moving on would have to suffice. I was also able to console myself when I thought that by now maybe Nickole had found out that the grass is not always greener next door.

My daughter thinks and hopes that eventually we will find our way back to each other but I doubt it. It did occur to me however that we had named her correctly, Hope.

About a year and a half later I was visiting my daughter and noticed that she had received a book from UPS and left it on her table. While she was getting ready I picked it up and inadvertently smiled, it was a German textbook for high school students by Malone and Miens. I guess she rethought that whole agenda using her maiden name. As I put the book back I just hoped for Nickole that what she gained was worth what she lost.

As for me I knew what I had lost. I no longer had my best friend, my partner and my lover. She was gone and replaced by a constant anger that seemed to ebb and flow in its intensity. If I were to describe it at its worst, I would say it was like a giant wave of anger smashing against the rocks of frustration and despair.

My frustration stems from the premise that no matter how I look at it I can't seem to find a moment where I could've acted more decisively to prevent Nickole from leaving me. The despair comes when I realize that I will never hold her in my arms again and feel the love that we once shared.

I will carry scars that cannot be seen for the rest of my life. The trick is to learn how to live with them and move on. Hopefully, I will meet another woman whom I can trust and once again establish a relationship with. However, that is conjecture for the future as right now that wave of anger is once again coming at me.