I Never Heard The Comma

"I had just settled down with a good glassful when I heard a key in the front door. It didn't work, of course, and so the door bell was pressed.

"'Fuck off you shit.' I screamed as I went out into the hallway. 'Go back to that grease-painted slut you were banging and stay there! I'm sure there are others waiting to be fucked by that pathetic little dick of yours.'

"I threw a book at the door. At least I had enough sense not to waste a good drink! As it hit the door, the letter box was pushed back, and a rather amused voice came through.

"'Mum, it's David, not Dad, and I hope it was him you were referring to, and not me! If it's not a good time, I can crash out at Will's place and come back tomorrow.'

"'David, wait,' I yelled. 'Of course you can come in. I just wasn't expecting you back.' I undid all the bolts and let him in -- immediately locking them all over again. By the time I had turned back to him, he was standing in the doorway to the sitting room with a big grin on his face.

"'So you've finally found out that the Players are players in more ways than one?' he asked. I just looked at him in astonishment.

"'What do you mean?' I gasped.

"'Oh, we've known for ages what they get up to,' he said nonchalantly.

"'What do you mean --'we've known for ages'?' I screeched. 'Who's 'we'? Why didn't you tell me?' I was getting quite indignant.

"Woah.... Slow down! I would say 'Chill' but I don't think you'ld appreciate it!' he chuckled.

"God, Phil, 18 year-olds can be really frustrating at times! I'm all on edge and angry and he is just laid back and laughing. I don't think he knows how close he came to being brained!"

"David put his arms around me, and gave me a big hug. 'Let me get a beer, and we can swap stories.' He went off to the kitchen and took a lager from the fridge. He came back and sat next to me on the sofa.

"'To answer your first question, we've actually only known since early summer just before that really shite performance of theirs. 'Bedroom Farce' -- how ironic was that?' He smiled at his memories. 'As to how we know? Why do you think Samantha is driving that nice new Ka? It's not from the kindness of her parents' hearts.

"'We had arranged to go the cinema one evening, but when we got there, they had had a power cut so nothing was showing. We went to the Holy Cow for a burger, and decided to split early. Most of us had some course work to catch up, and Samantha was pretty glad to be able to go home to catch up on a couple of her projects. Her parents had told her that James and Amanda were coming over to rehearse some scenes for the play, so she was just going to go to her room and keep out of their way. We dropped her off and went our own ways.

"'She opened the door and crept in, trying to keep quiet so that she didn't disturb them. She thought it a bit odd there was no real sound -- at least no voices -- and clothes were strewn everywhere. When she looked into the sitting room, she got the surprise of her life. Amanda was bent over the arm of a chair, and her father was 'having his way with her' while her mother was kneeling in front of James giving him a blow job.

As she said later, 'Sex Education it was not -- more a ghastly study in the dynamics of flabby flesh!' I mean, you've taught Sam: you know that she's not in the least romantic, and is probably the one person in our year that you can't embarrass. She took it all in, went up to her room, and decided how to really put the screws on.

"'The following morning, she calmly asked her parents how their rehearsal had gone. Her mother told her how productive it had been, and how they had managed to get a couple of troublesome scenes really pinned down this time.

"'That's odd,' she said. 'I didn't think that Aykbourn included any actual sex scenes in Bedroom Farce or in any of his plays for that matter. I didn't think your little group had a licence for live sex -- you do know you need one, even if the performance is on private property?'

"'Her mother went pale, while her father froze going out of the door.

"'Samantha, what on earth are you talking about?' her mother blustered. 'I swear to goodness I don't know where you come up with these ridiculous ideas. You're just trying to wind us up, and I don't think it's appropriate for a family discussion'

"'Mother, just cut the crap! I'm 18 and not some innocent little 12 year old. I came in early last night and saw what you were up to -- you were fellating that creep James, and Dad was fucking Amanda. If that was a rehearsal of a troublesome scene, what are full dress rehearsals like -- or maybe you have full undress rehearsals?'

"'She looked from one to the other, and back again. The expression on their faces told the story.

"'Fuck me,' she whispered, 'you're all at it, aren't you? You don't rehearse, you rut! It's not an Am Dram society at all, is it? It's an excuse. You're just a sad old group of swingers and the "Players" is just a convenient cover, isn't it? So much for all that 'let's be a family' bullshit you keep spouting at me. God, you're disgusting! And as for that shit James and his holier than thou attitude to everyone, I'm really going to enjoy letting everyone know what a little deviant he is.

"'Her father panicked and called James. The upshot was that they bought Sam's silence with the car. I'm sure that James must have paid for it, because Sam's parents haven't got that sort of money to spend.

"Of course, as soon as Sam appeared driving a brand new car, we were all over her asking for an explanation. She kept putting it off, but finally arranged to meet up with me, Fred and Jessica away from everyone else. All four of us had parents in the Players. She knows I don't get on with Dad, and that the other two are desperate to leave home, but she warned us that the explanation probably involved at least one of our parents. She made us promise to hear her out so that we could decide, as a group, what to do about it. She told us the story I've just told you.

"'We talked it through, and eventually decided that as we would all be leaving for University soon, we weren't going to compromise Sam by spreading it around. For my part, it just made me despise Dad even more, but as we hardly saw one another anyway, it didn't really matter.' He looked at me. 'I know you tolerated him, and I never got any feeling of warmth between the two of you, so I just assumed you were probably blissfully ignorant of the whole charade. I saw no reason to shatter your illusion.

"He took a long drink, and continued. 'So that's how we found out: it's been a frequent source of jokes between us. We re-christened the group The WELPS -- The Well Poked Swingers -- so that if anyone overheard us they wouldn't understand it. That's why some of the posters that were put up around the village for the play got defaced the way they did!

"He paused, and his voice saddened as he continued. 'And then you came back from that after-show party, and father was in such a good mood, going on about how great it was going to be getting his promotion, and you joining up with them. My heart sank, but I couldn't really say anything. Sorry, Mum, but I felt totally let down. Sam, Fred and the others did a good job of helping me hold it all together, and persuaded me to keep my head down, get good A-levels, and then be free to leave you all once I got to Uni. That was when I started going cold on you.'

"I reached over and put my hand on his arm. 'I'm so sorry, David, it really has been a shitty term for you, hasn't it? I promise you that I didn't know anything about this. I knew that some of them were a bunch of old lechers, but I never knew went on until this evening. I have been terribly naïve: I know that now, and I would have walked out as soon as anything like that was suggested. Our dinner parties have been flirtatious and maybe occasionally more than a bit risqué, but it was all only words -- at least to me. I don't blame you for the way you felt, but now it's out in the open, will we be able to go back to the way we were before? I've missed it so much.'

"David reached over and hugged me. 'Mum, your greeting this evening told me all I needed to know! Obviously you had something like a 'Sam' moment at the party, but perhaps now is not the best time to relive it.' He kissed my cheek. 'Now, what are you going to do about it?'

"The steel from earlier in the evening returned. 'I'm going to divorce your father: I'm not going to put up with his fucking around. I'm sorry, David, but I can't stay with him any longer. The fact that he still hasn't come back means that he hasn't missed me yet, so there's a pretty good chance he's already sleeping off the effects of the drink and his extra-marital activities.

"'The doors stay locked tonight and when he comes back, he can either sleep in his car or go back to someone else's bed. He certainly won't be getting in mine again. He doesn't expect you to be here, so don't do anything to give him the idea that you are. I'm sure he'll ring the bell when he finds the key doesn't work, so let's take the battery out of it now. He won't hammer too much on the door -- he's frightened of upsetting the neighbours, or I hope he is -- but we'll ignore it the best we can. He'll stop eventually.

"'Right now,' I snarled, 'I want to bring all of those sanctimonious arseholes to their knees.'

"David looked worried. 'You're not going to bring Samantha into this are you?'

"'No, I need to talk to Alison in the morning, but I think that between us, we have enough to bring Simon's little empire crashing to the ground. If Alison can't help, then I'll find another way, so don't worry about it.'

"'Thanks, Mum. She would understand, but if you can keep her out of it, it'll be easier all round.'

"I drained the last of the Armagnac, and stood up. 'Tomorrow's going to be a long day, so I'm going to bed. Turn out all the lights when you come up and ignore your Dad -- it shouldn't be difficult, you've been doing that for the last few years!'.

"David got up too and we went up to our rooms. At the top of the stairs, he gave me another hug, looked at me and said, 'Go for it Mum. Get your own life back -- you don't need him holding you back. If we have to move, then we move. Most of my course work is done, and if necessary I can always stay with Fred or one of the others until the exams are over. If you need any help, ask: any one of my friends would happy to lend a hand if you need it.'

"'Thank you, my love. Now go to bed, and I hope you get some rest before that little prick tries to get in!' I laughed and we headed off to our rooms.

"I slept well: for the first time in ages, I now knew what I was going to do and that my concerns for David had been put to rest. The warmth from the Armagnac helped, of course, and may be that was why I never woke to the sound of the hammering on the door or the pebbles that Allan later told me that he had thrown at the bedroom window. David, too, just ignored the noise, but he wasn't expected to be there anyway, so to all intents and purposes, there was no one in the house. Of course, Allan couldn't find the key so he found himself locked out.

"The next morning, I put most of Allan's clothes and toiletries into some large rubbish bags and put them beside the front door.

"I called Alison. After convincing her that I had never felt better, I asked her exactly what photos she had from the previous night -- apart from the video of Allan and Cynthia. She told me she had candid photos of James and Amanda, Amelia in an intimate embrace with someone who was definitely recognisable as not being Simon, Simon groping my arse and several others.

"'Why?' she asked.

"Well,' I answered, 'the Players have a web site, don't they? I thought that we might just write an independent review of their latest production. Of course, I understand from David and his friends that the key to a good website is a lot of photos and that videos make it even more interesting. What do you think?'

"'I think that you are a very devious woman,' she laughed. 'I love it!! What do you need me to do?'

"'I'm not sure yet. I need to talk to David, and then I'll get back to you.'

"I knocked on David's door, and at his invitation went in. 'Sleep alright?' I asked.

"'Well, apart from Dad hammering on the door at sparrow's fart, very well. How about you? You look remarkably rested for someone who had such a shock to your system yesterday.'

"'Oh, I am fine -- just fine! I have a plan, and I'm going to need your help.'

"'Spill: you know I'll do whatever I can.'

"'Well, I was thinking. You know that the Players have a web site where they advertise themselves and write all those glowing self-appreciation reviews? Well, I was thinking that maybe we could write an update for them. You know, do a sort of 'Society Column/ We Were There' description of their party. Alison says she has lots of very candid photos which we could use as the base material -- it would just need a bit of descriptive text to go with it.

"'The trouble is, I know nothing about web sites, and how you would even do anything like that, but there's always something about hacked web sites in the news, and it just seemed a good idea. Can it be done?'

"I had been looking at David while I had talked, and as his smile grew and broadened, I didn't really need his answer.

"'Ooooh yes. It most definitely can be done, and I know just the person to do it! Oh, Mum. That is so perfect.' He laughed out loud and reached over to give me big hug. 'The guys are really going to go for this, and Sam will be ecstatic -- it'll get her out of her dilemma without any fallout.' He looked hard at me. 'You know, you really are a bit of a schemer under that mousy persona you present, aren't you?'

"I demurred, and felt my face go red. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but then realised that school politics wasn't so different, and I had managed to work my way up the hierarchy without treading on too may toes. I never saw it as scheming, though.

"'OK -- what's the timeline?' David asked.

"'As quick as possible, I think,' I replied. 'I don't know where you father went last night -- my bet is that he went back to the party or to one of the others. He'll probably come back here again, and we won't answer. If Richard really did tell Simon that Alison was ill, he might figure out that I stayed there, so I need to prime them -- I'll ask John to say that I had taken her to hospital; that will get us a bit more time, but at some point, I'll have to face Allan.

"'I'm kicking him out of the house, and so no doubt they'll be a huge argument. He'll involve Simon and try and bring in all the big guns. I'ld like to have the website ready so that I can spike those guns from the outset. Of course, if Richard didn't pass on the message, it may all come to nothing, but he's so under Cynthia's thumb, that I'm pretty confident that he will have stayed, so let's go with that.'

"'Do you think we can get something ready for, say, mid-afternoon?'

"'No problem at all!' David grinned. 'Despite all his money, Simon's a cheapskate. Fred's into all that web stuff and Simon pays him to be the Webmaster for the firm's site. He pays him chicken feed and I know that Fred's peed off with being treated like a slave. Simon had Fred set up the Players website as well, but doesn't pay anything for that -- just regards it as being part of the service Fred is expected to provide. I can guarantee that Fred would be delighted with the pay back!'

"'You go and call Alison -- tell her to send all of the photos and anything else to my email address, and I'll call Fred now so that we can get everything set up. Let's get back together in an hour or so, and see where we are.'

"Everything fell into place. I called Alison and told her what was happening, and to brief John about me having had to take her to hospital. She asked about the video: now that David was so heavily involved, I hadn't thought about that. I asked her how obvious the two people were, and she told me that, even without the sound, anyone could tell who it was. She suggested that we could just grab a still from it, slap 'Censored' over the faces, and leave it at that -- it might save us from any legal issues as well.

"We agreed that if she could, she would -- otherwise we'ld just leave it out, and refer to the existence of the video in the text. I asked her not to send the video until I had spoken to David. If he was in anyway upset, we would keep it between ourselves and my lawyer.

"At 10, David and I got back together -- Fred had already given him access to a dummy site where we could put the whole thing together. Once that was done, Fred would prettify it and post it as a professional looking page.

"I hesitated. 'David, before we start, there's something else you really need to know. You've seen the photos from Alison, but she also has a video. I will be using it as evidence in my divorce, because it involves your father and another woman. After what I yelled at you last night when you tried to get in, I think you will have realised it was something like that. I saw them at it -- they couldn't even be bothered to shut the door, which was how Alison was able to video it.

"'As soon as Alison realised I was looking over her shoulder, she grabbed me and literally marched me out of the house. The bad jokes, the insinuations and other things I might have coped with, but seeing that was the final straw. That's the reason I was in such a foul mood when you tried to get in. All I can say is how sorry I am.'

"'David reached out and took my hand. 'You have nothing to be sorry for: it's my father's fault, and as I said last night, I knew what was happening, so I can't be too surprised but you're saying.' He paused, looking inwards. 'I guess I feel the same way as Samantha must have felt when she walked in, but at least I'm spared the visuals! BASTARD!' He stood up and stared out of his window for a few minutes.

"'What are you going to do with the video and the website?' he asked with a strained voice, still facing the window.

"I felt for him -- again the difference between a possibility, even a probability, and a certainty is a small semantic step, but a huge emotional one. 'We won't be posting it on the site, that's for sure. However, it's the only evidence we can post about the Players and their actual screwing around without mentioning Samantha's situation, so I want to make at least a reference to it. Alison and John were going to grab a still from the video, and paste a censored sticker over the faces so that you can't make out who is involved. '

"'Can you give me 5?' his voice still strained and anguished.

"'As long as you need,' I told him. 'Nothing will happen until you're ready.' I left his room and went back to clearing all the rest of Allan's things and putting them in yet more bags. My anger at the distance he had kept from David just strengthened my resolve. If David didn't want to bring down that awful little stuck up society, I was certainly going to bring Allan down -- whatever it took.

"I phoned my lawyer, apologising for disturbing his weekend, but I needed to let him know that I had determined to divorce Allan and why. I needed to understand the ramifications and fix the details as quickly as possible. We agreed to meet on Monday: as soon as he got in to his office, he would get his secretary to re-arrange his schedule so that we could meet at 9.30. It would give him time to review his notes from my previous visit as well. I thanked him and rang off.

"There was nothing to do until David made up his mind, and I respected him too much to interfere with his reasoning. I just sat there, mentally running through what I was going to do after this whole sad state of affairs was over.