It's been a bad year. My girlfriend kicked me out of her apartment when my unemployment ran out and I couldn't find a job. It didn't matter that there were no jobs. She moved someone else in, someone who could help her with the rent, her sister. It wouldn't surprise me if the two of them were having an incestuous lesbian relationship. They both nag at me the same way and in the same disrespectful voice.
"Get a job, you lazy bum."
Now, without a job, out of money, I was out of options, and nearly out of hope. I was desperate. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It was time I needed to be over the top and drastic.
Never having done anything like this before, I decided to rob the jewelry store downtown. Judging by the number of items in their display window, I knew they bought more inventory hoping to sell for Christmas. I figured today, Monday morning, was a good time to hit him, before he made it to the bank with Saturday's receipts. The back door was in the alleyway behind the shop and that was where I'd make my forced entry.
I had been casing the joint for a while and I knew the kind of car the owner drove, a black Audi. No one else in this neighborhood owned a car as nice as that. I waited at the corner for the light to change to cross. I was early. I wanted to be there before he opened the store. I was planning to set up behind the dumpster, while pretending to be a homeless bum and surprise the owner, just as he opened the door and turned off the alarm.
Waiting for the light to change from don't walk to walk, I watched the cars speeding through the big intersection. Everyone's in a hurry today. There was a truck with no intention of stopping, I could tell in the way he sped up, as soon as the light yellowed. Now speeding through a red light. he barreled through the intersection. I couldn't believe my eyes when an old woman holding a blue bucket filled with cans and bottles, chose this time to cross the street without looking.
"Hey! Look out," I said just barely grabbing hold of her arm before the truck knocked her from this life to another.
The truck came so close to my face that if it had razor blades mounted on the side of it, it would have given me a close shave. The turbulent air from the big vehicle blew us both backwards into a parked car.
She was a bag lady. I've seen her around here before. She was old, ugly, and smelly. Yet, I felt good saving her miserable life for her to live another day scrabbling to collect cans and bottles.
"Let go of me," she said shooting me an ungrateful stare, even though I had just saved her life.
"Lady, another step and that truck would have exploded you like a watermelon hitting the pavement from 3 stories. I saved your life. You could at least say thank you."
She had a curious twinkle in her eye that I couldn't help but wonder about. This woman was more than a bag lady and I wondered what was her game. For some reason, I was still holding on to her arm, as if I was a cop and she was my prisoner.
"You're right," she said. "Sorry, but I've been a little bit preoccupied lately. I don't normally meet someone nice, someone willing to risk his life for mine, and someone who has a thing for old, bag ladies. Now, let go of my arm, you pervert," she said looking up at me with a crocked smile that showed a missing front tooth. "I don't say thank you to anyone," she said. "But because you saved me from certain death, I'll do better than that. I'll give you a wish, one wish."
"A wish? What are you a witch or something," I asked giving her a long and hard look? "What's your name?"
"My name is Ruth, but everyone on the street calls me Bucket because I carry this little blue bucket everywhere I go, as a reminder of my house that my neighbors burnt to the ground. The bucket was spared because it was submerged in my well, but I fixed them," she said with a slyly satisfied smile.
"I don't think I want to know how you fixed them," I said taking a step back away from her, but not letting go of her arm for fear that she'd run away.
"Do you want your wish or not," she asked with a nastiness to her voice that told me to be weary of her?
"Let me give you the witch test," I said reaching out my hand and feeling her tit. It was cold alright. Definitely, she was a witch.
"Hey, stop that. Let go of my tit, you perverted son-of-a-bitch."
She was someone that I wouldn't want to double cross. Certainly, even though she was small and harmless looking, I wouldn't want to run across her in a dark alley. No doubt, she was an insane homeless person, but there was an evilness about her.
Maybe she was a witch. Her tit was cold enough. She could be a witch. Only, if she was a witch and could cast spells, make potions, and grant wishes, wouldn't she be living better than living on the street?
It was eerily prophetic that she said that she'd grant me a wish because my favorite story as a kid was Aladdin. I used to imagine finding the magical lamp, rubbing it, and making a wish, before taking off on a magic carpet ride. I spent years looking for that damn magic lamp while perfecting the perfect wish I'd ask, should I ever stumble across the lamp and the imprisoned Genie, and here I am holding onto a witch who is willing to grant me a wish, one wish.
What should I wish for? Should I wish for good health or immortality or to be on the safe side, good health with immortality, even? Should I wish for a billion dollars so that I can buy houses, jewels, cars, and travel the world or with the rising cost of living, maybe ten billion? Should I wish for happiness? How would I even define happiness never having known it? Peace is a good thing to wish for? Only, should I wish for peace only for me or for everyone? Or what about wishing for knowledge and being able to understand everything, even the reason for life and what happens when you die?
Wow. I know, I remember now. I remembered the wish that I had come up with should I ever find myself in the spot that I'm in now. I remembered the wish I'd make should I ever come across that magic lamp and was confronted by a Genie that I had let out of his prison by rubbing the lamp.
"Yes, I'd like my wish," I said holding on to her tighter.
"Hey, you're hurting my arm, fuckwad. Let go of me."
"Sorry," I said. "I'll let go of you after you grant me my wish and not before."
I reached in my pocket, pulled out the handcuffs that I had intended on using on the jewelry store owner when robbing his store and slapped them on her wrist.
"Hey! What the fuck," she said wiggling her hands behind her and trying to break free. "I'm not into bondage, you sick psycho."
"Bondage? With you? In your dreams," I said.
"Let go of me," she said trying to get the attention of people walking by us. "Help!"
"It's okay, I'm a cop," I said to the curious people walking by and staring.
It wouldn't have worked had I said, it's okay, I'm a criminal. Surely, they would have called a cop had I said I was a criminal.
"Just tell me the fucking wish, so that I can be on my way," she said. "It's Christmas. I have things to do."
She was such a miserable, old woman with an awful potty mouth.
"Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"
"Don't you talk about my mother. She taught me everything I know," she said raising her chin with pride.
"How's that workin' for you," I asked with a laugh? "You're a homeless, bag lady."
"That's just a disguise, you moron," she said. "I can't hardly appear to people wearing my black hat and flying around on my broom, now can I?"
"You can do that, fly around on a broom?"
"Just make your fucking wish already, asshole," she said spitting out her words.
I reached down to the one wish that I had come up with as a kid hoping to find Aladdin's lamp, rubbing it, and waiting for the Genie to appear, before telling him my wish.
"Your wish is my command," I imagined he'd ask me. "And what is your wish little boy," I imagined him saying.
Finally, I said now, what I imagined saying then.
"Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, spit it out. I don't have all day. I have cans to collect before the other bums get them. What is it? A new car? A million dollars? Knowing you as a do, after you felt my tit, figuring you haven't had sex in a while, you'll wish for a beautiful girlfriend, one who swallows?"
God, this woman was so friggin' nasty. A witch or working for customer service at the merchandise return counter of a department store were the only occupations that she could do with that caustic and negative attitude.
"I wish for an endless supply of wishes."
"Endless supply of wishes? You can't do that," she said shaking her head. "One wish is all you get. One wish is all you can have. One wish is all that I'm granting you. You can't have an endless supply of wishes. Nope, no way, not today, Jose. Now, make your one lousy wish and let me be on my way."
"That's my one wish. That's all that I'm wishing for, one wish, an endless supply of wishes."
"I'm not granting you an endless supply of wishes, you dirty bastard," she said.
"You have to," I said. "I saved your miserable life. I don't know much about witches and what you all do, but I know, much like a Leprechaun with his pot of gold and a Genie trapped in a bottle of a magic lamp, you have to grant me my one wish or something horribly bad with happen to you. Right," I asked looking down at her?
She wasn't much more than five feet tall and too ugly to look at for an extended period of time. I would think that if I was a witch, I'd put a spell on me so that everyone would see me as beautiful.
"Okay, okay," she said. "Roses are red and violets are blue, now I said and don't ask me why, here are an endless supply of wishes for you. Now, let me go," she said. "Take off these handcuffs, so that I can stick them up your ass."
"Not so fast, Lady. How do I know I have an endless supply of wishes?"
"Make a fucking wish, you moron," she said.
"Okay," I said looking around the street before looking down at myself. "I wish my cock was bigger," I said. Immediately, I could feel my cock swell. "Oh, my God," I said feeling my cock through my pants. "That's amazing."
"Happy now," she asked? "Now take off these cuffs."
"Wait, that's only one wish. You may have tricked me into believing that I have an endless supply of wishes, when I only have the one. I'm on to you."
"There's only one way to find that out, idiot. Make another fucking wish."
I looked at her. She was so nasty, so ugly, and so smelly.
"Okay," I said. "I wish you were blonde, tall, and beautiful with blue eyes and bigger tits."
Instantly she transformed herself into this beautiful blonde. I couldn't believe my eyes. I reached my hand out again and felt her tit. It was still cold. I felt the other one. Both her tits were cold.
"Was it good for you," she said with a sneering smile.
"I wish you didn't smell and that your tits were bigger and not so cold."
Immediately, the smell of her was gone replaced by the smell of peaches and vanilla and her boobs swelled from a C cup to a D cup. I reached over and felt her tit again.
"Perfect," I said.
"Okay, you have your endless supply of wishes," she said. "Now let me go."
"Not yet," I said looking at her. She was so damn beautiful and her tits were so warm and so perfect that she didn't even need to wear a bra beneath her dress. "I need a private moment with you in the backseat of my car," I said pulling her towards my car parked in the alley.
"Hey, hold on, motherfucker," she said. "If you think I'm going to give you a blowjob, buddy boy, you're out of your mind. I haven't sucked a cock in, God, forty-seven years, after I sung Happy Birthday dressed as Marilyn Monroe to President Kennedy and he escorted me to the oval office. I fixed him for degrading me like that by putting two bullets in his head."
"That was you? You were the second shooter from the knoll?"
"Yeah, that was me alright," she said as proud as a peacock.
"Was that you with President Clinton, too?"
"No, that was Monica Lewinski. She's my friend's daughter. She's a witch, too."
"Wow," I said. "I had no idea."
"We witches are everywhere. We're unionized. Hillary Clinton is one of us."
"Listen, you have your endless supply of wishes. Let me go. These high heels you put me in are killing my back."
"Just a little way more. My car is parked over there."
"That's your car," she asked? "An AMC Pacer? You must have the last American Motors car on the planet. I think you'd better wish for a better car because I'm not getting in that thing."
"You're right," I said. "I wish I had a limousine with a driver, who is also my bodyguard."
"Wow, good wish," she said. "A Maybach limousine. I didn't know I had that one in me."
"Sir," said my driver opening the door. "Where shall I take you?"
"Just drive," I said getting in the car.
Once seated inside, I closed the partition window for privacy, unzipped my pants, and pulled out my cock. It was massive. My cock was not only long but also thick. It was the most beautiful cock I've ever seen.
"That's the most beautiful cock I've ever seen," she said. "I do good work, don't I?"
"Thank you for this," I said.
"I'm not sucking your cock," she said looking up at me. "I don't care how beautiful it is. Besides, I'm a lesbian," she said.
"You're not lesbian," I said too enamored with my cock to put it away. I just allowed it to dangle.
"I am," she said. "Oprah and I go way back. Besides, how do you know I'm not lesbian? You don't know me. I could be lesbian," she said looking at me, as if I had just insulted her by not believing she was lesbian.
"Just drop me off at the next corner. I have stuff to do today," she said.
"I need to make sure that once you leave, I'm left with my endless supply of wishes," I said. "I don't want to end up like President Kennedy."
"I wouldn't do that to you, not after you saved my life," she said. "Trust me."
"Yeah, okay, sure," I said rolling my eyes. "I'm not going to trust you," I said thinking of what I could wish for to make sure that I had all my wishes intact, before she left me. "I wish that you can't make a spell or use a potion against me to remove my endless number of wishes."
"Fuck," she said. "You thought of everything, didn't you?"
"Let's hope," I said, removing the handcuffs from her wrist.
"You can drop me here," she said. "There's always cans and bottles in these abandoned lots.
"Pull in here and stop the car," I said to the driver.
He pulled off the road and parked on an abandoned tract of land.
"Have a nice life," she said reaching for the door handle.
"Wait, before you go," I said. She had transformed herself into such a beautiful woman. She was everything I had imagined a woman to be. She was a cross between Kim Basinger and Tuesday Weld. "I wish you'd give me a blowjob."
"You asshole," she said suddenly leaning down and taking my new, big cock in her hand before taking it in her mouth.
"Suck it, baby, suck it. Blow me. Yeah, that's it, I wish you'd use a bit more tongue. Oh, yeah, that's better. I wish you'd use a bit more hand action. Perfect. I like that. That feels great. I wish you'd swallow. Wow, oh, baby. That was awesome. That was the best blowjob I ever had."
I exploded a huge load of cum in the witch's mouth.
"Fuck you, you asshole," she said pulling my cock from her mouth, as if she was pulling a cork from a bottle. She opened the door and spit whatever was left of me in her mouth on the ground.
"Thank you for the blowjob," I said. "Bye," I said as she opened the car door and launched herself out of the car. "I'm still number one," I said as I turned in time to watch her give me the middle finger salute.
Immediately, as soon as she left the limo, she transformed back into a bag lady. I drove off in the sunset making whatever wishes that came to mind. Ah, life is good.