It Isn't Just an Orgy

"Now you're protecting her again?" Pixie said with a gentle smile.

"No, I don't mean it that way. I mean they would look at me, and think she wouldn't be with me except for my money," Isabel said, trying to draw a distinction, and hoping it wasn't too fine a line.

"Ah, I see," Pixie said. She gave her hand a little squeeze. "That to have someone like her, she'd have to be a kept woman."

Isabel nodded again. "And it's not just my friends. I saw how Amanda and Cheryl were looking at us. 'Cradle robber,' that's what they had to be thinking." This time when she sighed, it was drawn out and dejected. Finally, the sense of loss started to surface. She looked at Pixie, with eyes that were brimming with tears.

"Everyone would have been against us, don't you see? My friends, her friends ... Fuck, not to mention our families. Even if her parents are really okay with her being gay, what would they think about me? And my daughter ... I hoped ..." she trailed off as big teardrops ran slowly down her cheek. "But it was as I feared, not hoped. Totally appalled that I slept with someone that young." Her lips pursed as she remembered how her daughter threw the words "child molester" at her. Even her belated apology the next day didn't remove the sting.

And while her daughter said it in anger, Isabel knew there would be others who would think it, even if they didn't say it. It didn't help that Chelle looked younger than she actually was. It would be inevitable that people would talk about it.

"Even in those few days, I had to correct a waitress who assumed she was my daughter. That would have been our life, and rather than getting better over time, it would have gotten worse," she said. "The older I got, the more it would look weird"

"You don't like looking weird do you?" Pixie asked.

Despite wearing a tight corset that displayed her breasts almost down to her areoles and a dust mask and goggles dangling around her neck, Isabel shook her head. "No, I don't. No one just gave me respect in the business world. I earned it. That meant protecting my image." A little of her spirit came back into her, and her eyes went from melancholy to firm. "Once I truly accepted that I was a lesbian, I never hid it. I dated and took women to company functions, but they were always women I wasn't ashamed of."

As Pixie looked at her, the fire in Isabel's eyes died away. She cut off a sob as she realized what she'd said. Rather than saying anything, Pixie leaned over and gave her a long hug. For a moment, Isabel was limp in her arms, but then she returned the hug. With her face buried against her neck, Isabel squeezed her eyes shut and tried to regain some control.

"I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't ashamed of Chelle," she whispered. "I meant ... I meant ..." She trailed off as she tried to find a way to say it without sounding basically the same.

Lifting her head, she looked at Pixie. "See, this is the problem. There is nothing wrong with Chelle. She is bright, witty, and all together adorable, but I would still have been embarrassed to be with her because of how people would have looked at me," she said. Her emotions were finally under her control, and the threat of more tears was gone for now. The tracks from the ones she already shed gave proof however to how that control was a thin veneer.

"It wouldn't have been fair to her," she said, shaking her head as she noticed the slight humor in Pixie's expression. "I don't mean protecting her from herself. Okay, maybe a little, but really I would hate myself if I treated her that way and then maybe starting to blame her for just being herself." She sighed. "It just feels like it could have become toxic."

"Maybe. Maybe not. You'll never know whether your feelings would have been strong enough to keep that from happening. I can see that almost as easily as your worst fears," Pixie said. She gave Isabel a soft kiss. It was restrained. It was possible if she pushed, Isabel would have willingly lost herself and her problems in lust.

"I don't want that," Pixie thought to herself. She was interested in making love with the older woman. "Who wouldn't? She's sexy and desirable even when she's been crying, but I want it to come from happiness, not as an escape," she thought. There was time. Coming here was part of how Moonshine was healing, and most of the week remained. Maybe it would happen; or maybe not. In either case, she wanted to help her with that healing.

Pixie's words were taken as they were intended, not a rebuke but as recognition that Isabel closed the door to knowing what might have happened. "It's true," she replied, "even if I was to try now, it would play out differently. These months can't be undone. I can't get them back." She stopped suddenly as a different thought struck her. She swallowed several times.

"What?" the other woman asked.

"Well, if I decided to try, I will have wasted half a year of any time we would have together," Isabel said softly, but with some bitterness in her voice. She couldn't help feeling a surge of anger at herself. At the same time, it reminded her of why the age gap did matter. Her death was assuredly closer than her birth.

Maybe it was true that most of why she was afraid to try had to do with her own pride. It didn't make any of her other excuses any less real. Even there, she had fears of own. Whatever Chelle thought, watching her grow old and less able wouldn't be easy. Maybe she wouldn't be able to take it and leave. "I'm not sure how I would bear that," she thought. On the other hand, could she watch and do nothing if Chelle remained loyal no matter how bad things got. "Could I force myself to make her leave?"

"You know, I told Chelle that no matter what, we would end in heartache. I don't see it any differently now," Isabel said.

Pixie let out a light chuckle. "Hun, by that definition, that is the end result of all relationships, even the best. Two lovers meet in kindergarten, marry at 20, raise a family, and never have a cross word throughout long lives together, but in the end one of them dies. But to focus on the heartache at the end dismisses all the happiness in between," she said.

Isabel opened her mouth, but found she didn't know what to say. It made Pixie laugh a little once again. Closing her mouth with a sudden clack of teeth, Isabel's expressed darkened.

"Hun, I don't mean to make fun of you," Pixie hurriedly said. "It's just you've built this up in your mind, and mostly because you haven't had anyone to talk to about it." She sighed. "That couldn't have been easy, but you're tough, aren't you? Able to just swallow your angst and carry on?" Despite Isabel's lack of response, she could tell that she was on target. "I'm not one of your business contacts or your equally powerful friends, right? And that lets you open up to me."

The pain in Isabel's eyes dimmed a little and the dark expression lightened. "It's that, a bit," she told her. "But if I had a friend, or a colleague, who sensed what was going on, I like to think I would have shared. I just don't have any like that." It wasn't an easy admission, but it was a truth she accepted long ago. She smiled as she thought about one of her fellow ski patrollers. They were different in so many ways, but he was one of the few that really got her. "Too bad I don't see Bear in the off season," she thought to herself. "I could have told him."

"Well, I'm here now and I'm happy to listen," Pixie said. "Whatever you want, I'm good." She smiled in a way that managed to be supportive and flirtatious all at the same time.

"Actually, I want to stop talking about it. I'm all talked out," Isabel said. "Can we do something else?"

"Whatever you want," Pixie repeated. This time her grin was purely flirtatious.

Isabel laughed. For the first time since the party started, her laugh was easy and unforced. "We'll see," she said and wiggled her eyebrows. "I don't really want to go back into the party. How about some dancing?" she asked.

"I'd love to do some. Where to?" Pixie asked.

"Do you like funk? Crossroads is just down the street and we can start there," she said. "Let me just go and tell David what I'm doing. We were there last night and had a blast. He might want to go again."

"Sure, that would be great," the other woman said, nodding. "Crossroads is great. Now go; go see if David wants to go."

Even though their discussion resolved nothing, as she watched Isabel go back into the crowd inside the big tent, she thought her new friend seemed to have more of a spring in her step. "She just needed someone to talk to," she told herself. "All that pain and guilt bottled up inside her and no one to help her." Pixie thought that there were probably at least some friends back home with whom she could have opened up. It was so easy to be drawn to her that it seemed unlikely that she lacked for true friends.

"Maybe she's finally ready; or maybe it's just being here," she thought. There was something about being on the playa that encouraged openness. It was a place where acceptance was the norm.

She looked up into the night sky. In addition to the stars, there were several green laser beams streaking out until they finally faded away in the distance. The sounds of the city were all around her: buzz of the party with the piano almost drowned out, art cars playing their music as they drove by all lit up, and the ubiquitous sound of propane being shot out and lit on fire. The flashes of those were visible from several streets away. As she looked over at one, she noticed a group of people wearing vests that glowed with light patterns in all sorts of colors who were riding their bikes behind a couple who looked like they had on Christmas lights.

Pixie smiled and did a quick little dance. "I love this place," she thought. "It's like a kinky Magic Kingdom!" Her smile got bigger as she saw Isabel returning with David and Jack. Although a part of her didn't want to share her new friend, the much larger part loved being part of a group exploring the city and the playa.

Whether it was the talk or the thought of dancing, Isabel was in a much better mood now. She gave Pixie a big hug as she came up to her. When it ended, her arm remained around her waist. "I didn't have to ask David twice," she said. She gave Jack a little smile. "And whatever David wants to do, so does Jack."

There was enough light to see the blush that came over his face, but the shy smile that accompanied it was endearing. Isabel was glad that David had found someone. "I think he needs it," she thought before glancing over at the woman beside her. "Just like I do," she admitted.

"Alright, we need to get on some lights before we go. Let's go over to my tent," Isabel said. Everyone followed her there. She opened up a bin that was full of various light options. Mostly it was different types of glow sticks. There were lots of the thin ones that could be put around wrists, ankles and necks.

Both couples enjoyed decorating each other. Pixie and Isabel were playful and repeatedly broke out in giggles. David and Jack were a little more intimate. As David put some around Jack's arms and neck, he paused to give little kisses. More than once, that led to a deep French kiss between them. Neither one of them showed any shyness in doing it in front of the women.

Isabel grinned at David as he came up for air following one particularly long kiss. "You know, your tent is right there. Maybe you want to skip the dancing?" she teased him. Isabel and Pixie laughed as Jack nodded enthusiastically behind him, although when David turned around he switched to somewhat comically shaking his head no.

Still looking at Jack, David said, "We'll be back for some nookie later, I promise, but for now I want to dance!"

"Me too," Jack said more seriously. "I'd love to dance with you."

Once they were all sufficiently lit up so that they would be easily visible to bikers and art cars, they went to get their bikes. Those were all lit up as well. There was fluorescent El-wire wrapped all over them. Isabel's bike also had glowing fibers coming out of her handle bars and lights in the spokes of her wheels, as well as head and tail lights. In addition to keeping her visible to all the other vehicles out there, her distinct pattern made it easier to pick out her bike from all the hundreds of other bikes that might be parked together. And since they would all park together, Jack's bike would make it even easier than usual. His bike had a hobby horse head mounted on it with a sparkly tail on the back that had LED lights interwoven in it. It would stand out and be visible from a distance.

They rode over the few blocks to the 9 O'clock Plaza where The Crossroads Camp was. The music was already going. After chaining their bikes together, they went over and slowly pushed their way through the crowd. On stage was a large funk band including horns. A gorgeous black woman in white lingerie, garters, and stockings was singing Aretha Franklin's Respect. Behind her were two equally gorgeous white women backing her up, also clad in sexy lingerie. And it wasn't just the women. The men were just as beautiful, dressed up in tight clothes and showing off their chests.

All around, people were dancing and the small group did too. At first, they danced somewhat independently, then as the songs went on, it was more as a complete group; Jack dancing with Isabel while Pixie danced with David, or all four dancing together. Occasionally someone else would join in. There was no pattern, or if there was it kept changing. Still, both of the couples found time to touch and dance with each other.

When the group started to sing Waterfalls by Destiny's Child, Isabel reached out and pulled Pixie close, holding her with her hands on the small of her back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw David do the same thing with Jack, but after that it was as if the two of them were alone. Pixie's hands were behind Isabel's neck as they danced together. They moved slowly to music, matching its rhythms with the movements of their bodies. Half way through the song, Isabel kissed her. In moments, it deepened into a passionate kiss where they were grinding their bodies together.

With her eyes closed, Isabel gave into her need to feel this kind of lust again. The other encounters since that time up skiing were about relieving her physical need. This was about meeting her emotional needs. She forgot where she was and just allowed herself to be in the moment. Pixie was just as willing. Her fingers slipped up into Isabel's hair, softly stroking her scalp. When the music ended, they kept going for another few seconds.

"Damn," David said softly to interrupt them. "Even I think that's hot."

Both of them opened their eyes to look around. David and Jack weren't the only ones watching. There was a host of eyes on them. Most of them were happy; some shone with excitement; and a few seemed disturbed. Those ones knew enough to look away before they gave offense. Despite having lived a lifetime where she didn't draw excess attention to her sexuality, right here and now Isabel felt no embarrassment over their public display of lust. It wasn't even about being lesbian. This was a place where it was acceptable to show ones desire without being judged. "If it feels good, do it," she thought to herself. Pixie was still pressed against her, although she was no longer grinding. "She feels very good," she thought, giving the other woman a squeeze.

Stretching up, Pixie put her lips next to Isabel's ear. "Moonshine, do you know what I want?" she whispered in a very sexy voice.

"I could guess, but what?" Isabel said, chuckling.

"Food! I'm hungry! Let's go get some Mooncheese sandwiches! It's right over there!" Pixie said with a giggle. She enjoyed teasing and she was comfortable enough now with Isabel to start doing it.

Laughing, Isabel nodded. "Okay," she said. She was a little hungry too. One of the great things about Burning Man was how some camps gifted food to feed the party, keeping it going through day and night. Whether it was coffee and pancakes in the morning, ice cream in the heat of the day, or poutine served at midnight, somewhere someone was serving up something at almost any time.

Right next to Crossroads was the Mooncheese Camp. They served grilled cheese sandwiches. What normally might seem unappealing was instead almost a delicacy. Between the heat and all the physical activity, the body craved fuel and the combination of bread grilled in butter with melted cheese in between them was amazingly good, especially when there were various condiments available to put on them at the end of the line.

Jack and David wanted to keep dancing so the two women went by themselves to the line. It stretched back about forty people, but it didn't matter. Part of the fun was chatting with the others in the line.

In front of them were two young women, both still in college. They were wearing skimpy clothing with exposed legs except for furry leggings that only covered their ankles. They were giddy, and probably high on something. Pixie casually flirted with them both, which caused them to giggle even more. While not bothered by Pixie's flirtations, Isabel couldn't join in. Their age was an unwelcome reminder of Chelle. The demons mostly stayed at bay, but the idea of flirting even just in fun wasn't appealing. Still, she was able to keep her good humor which she counted as a victory.

When they got their sandwiches, they went over to the condiments. While Pixie put some mustard on hers, Isabel squirted a healthy dollop of sriracha sauce all over hers. "I love spicy!" she said as she took a bite.

A second later David and Jack showed up. Without hesitating, David leaned over and took a bite of her sandwich. "Me too," he said, barely understandable as he chewed. Jack gave Pixie a big puppy dog stare until she finally held out her sandwich to let him have one too. He gave her a big hug as a thank you.

They finished eating their sandwich and drinking some water. "What now?" Isabel asked.

"Let's go explore the playa," David said. It was still so amazing to him. It wasn't just the art pieces which were so different at night, but the mélange of people, bikes, and art cars constantly moving. And everywhere there was noise. While close in, the music from the big dance camps was loudly blasting as you got further out, all that remained was the pulsing beat that followed them with a thump, thump, thump. Over that, however was mixed the music being played by the big art cars that drove around with dancers on top and inside, mobile raves moving from art piece to art piece. When you were far out, the city was a brightly lit semi-circle that pulsed with life. He loved being out there.

That draw was still strong for all of them and they quickly agreed. They went and got their bikes. The first stop was the Man. Although they all had been up in the saucer once, they waited in the line to go up again. Elevated, they could see even further. Isabel paused to take pictures of the playa and the city at night. She liked capturing the images so she could look back to them throughout the year and recapture a little of the spirit. One of the Rangers watching over the Man to make sure there was not another attempt to burn it early offered to take a picture of the four of them. With arms around each other in a tight bunch, she got a lovely picture with the Temple in the distance. Jack made Isabel promise to send him a copy. The Temple had special meaning to him as it did to her.

All of them screamed as they went down the slide exit. Pixie wanted to do it again, but everyone shouted her down. "I don't want to wait in line again," Isabel said.

"Aw, don't pout. We don't have to," Pixie said, giving her a little kiss.

"Come on, let's go," David said, looking over his shoulder at them. He almost ran back to the bikes with the rest of them following behind. Pixie and Isabel had their arms around their waists. While they wanted to keep exploring, it was with a more relaxed mindset. Still, some of David's excitement rubbed off on them. Seeing the Burn through the eyes of a virgin had a way of doing that.