Ivory Tower

Leroy decided to accompany me as I went over to William's house. Beth met us at the door wearing a short night robe. The inside of the living room was illuminated with lit candles and a blazing fire in the fireplace.

Leroy, ever the firefighter, raised his eyebrows at all the open flames. Beth blushed as she clinched her robe tighter. "It's our date night, we just finished decorating and got all the new living room furniture, Cosmo said we should.."

I waved Beth off. "Yea, Yea, Yea, I know Cosmo said you should bring ponies, handcuffs and trapezes into your love life. What's up? Where is William?"

"William is upstairs, we heard strange noises coming out of the attic. I called you because I do not want William to face whoever, whatever, is up there all by himself."

Leroy turned toward the door. "Ron, you go with William. I am going to look outside to see if there is any signs of break in or entrance."

I found William crouching underneath the trap door to the attic. He had a four "D" battery size flashlight in one hand, a golf club in the other hand. Intermittently, a thumping noise could be heard from the attic area.

Leroy returned to join us. "Guys I saw a small hole chewed in the outside attic screen. Looks to be a squirrel got in the attic. Best to let it find its way out." He looked at his wristwatch, which appear tiny on his huge wrist. "We can get a trap in the morning if the critter is still there, Hardware store is closed now."

Beth was peering over the top of the steps, ready to flee, as if the rodent were going to burst through the ceiling at any moment and said. "William, can't you guys get rid of it? It is freaking me out!"

William turned to us, and then said in a low voice. "Anything we can do?" He nodded with his chin at Beth "She is not going to relax with that thing rooting around. Beth is real big on these date nights. Know what I mean?"

Ten minutes later Leroy's massive bulk was creeping up the attic ladder, a burlap bag in one hand, the quad D battery flashlight in the other hand. I was behind him on the ladder, with William at the base of the ladder. Beth still manned her flight position at the end of the hallway stairs.

Leroy had just stuck his head into the attic and was shining the flashlight around when the furry face of a squirrel popped up in full glare of flashlight beam.

Leroy let out a quick yelp of surprise, as he and the squirrel were face to face, only inches apart.

Then everything went to hell...

Leroy attempted to bag the squirrel with the burlap sack. The squirrel prompted jumped into Leroy's hair. Leroy dropped the burlap sack and flashlight to flail at the rodent on his scalp. I was blinded momentarily as the sack landed on my face. William fared much worse as the big flashlight struck him directly on the bridge of his nose, before it wheeled hitting him in his left eye.

It got worse as Leroy lost his balance, and fell back onto me. We both tumbled off the ladder landing on William in a pile on the floor. Then there was a blood-curling scream from Beth as the squirrel scampered around us, through Beth's legs and down the stairs into the living room.

We untangled from the heap and scrambled toward the stairs, just in time to see the panicky squirrel race directly into the fireplace, then exit, tail aflame to hide under Beth's new sofa.

Leroy, for all his size, was the first one down the stairs. He flipped the sofa, now on fire, upside-down. I was right behind him, as we grabbed throw pillows and started to chase the wild flaming squirrel around the living room, frantically beating out the small fires in its wake. Leroy managed to finally put the animal out of its misery and stop its arson with a well placed pillow, smothering the flaming creature.

Then just when I thought it could not get worse....

A hysterical Beth screamed, "The SOFA!!, My SOFA!!"

Both Leroy and I spun around to face flames leaping off the overturned sofa.

"William!" I shouted at my stunned brother. "Get that God Damn Window open!" I pointed at the large living room picture window.

Leroy and I each grabbed an end of the sofa not yet on fire. William, with blood streaming out his nose, was frozen in place, one eye already starting to swell shut.

The sofa flames signed my hair. "William NOW! We gotten get this sofa outta HERE!" I shouted at my brother.

William came out of his daze, grabbed a big brass lamp and threw it at the large window, which made a sizable hole as the glass shattered.

" One! Two! Three! HEAVE!" yelled Leroy, as we tossed the fiery furniture out the window. It smashed through the shattered window, landing for a moment to crush Beth's prize rose bushes, before rolling into a blazing mass of kindling on the front lawn.

Suddenly, everything was silent, save the crackling of the burning sofa outside on the lawn. Leroy whipped out his cell and started punching in some numbers. I glanced around to make sure no more sparks were about.

Beth surveyed the room, huge burn marks all over her new rug, throw pillows blacked with bits of cooked squirrel, and smoke now coating the walls. The front window was showing remnants of glass fragments around the frame edges. Beth covered her eyes with both hands and started sobbing uncontrollably.

William put his hand on my shoulder as he walked me to the door. I saw his bloody nose, swollen eye in the glimmer of the flickering sofa fire. William gave me a half smile sounding exasperated as he said. "Ron, I really want to say Thank You...but I..I just..I..just..can't, I really..just can't."

++++++

Several months had passed since the incident we now referred to as "The Great Squirrel Hunt & Barbeque". Using my building contacts, I had been able to source Beth and Williams large plate glass window within a few days. The Insurance Company had naturally played their games, delaying the claim, and generally just dragging their feet before paying for replacement furniture.

This evening my wife and I were home having our own "Date Night". For my wife, who had just ended a twelve hour shift on the ER floor, this meant her laying on our living room sofa, a movie on the DVD player and her feet in my lap, while I kneaded the bottom of her soles. Now any wise male spouse knows that diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but if you want to get any husband points-Rub Her Feet!

Judging by the contented noises my wife was making as I massaged her instep, confidence was "high" I would be making similar contented noises later that night in our bedroom.

William and Beth had invited us to go skydiving as part of a team building exercise William's department at school was doing. I had no desire to throw myself out of a perfectly good airplane, but was amusing myself to see if I could talk my wife into it.

"Come on Honey," I said, never stopping my ministrations on her feet. "It's only one time. Even an idiot will try anything once."

My wife replied without ever opening her eyes. "Yes Ron, an idiot will try anything once. That is why they are an idiot. Now if we were....."

Suddenly, the front door burst open and a frantic Beth erupted into our living room. She was holding my crying nephews in each arm. I was shocked at Beth's appearance. Beth was balancing on 4 inch spiked heels, wearing a long platinum blond haired wig that reached to her shoulders, and she was clad only in a tiny red sequined G string. Two tassels with pasties barely covered the nipples of each breast and Beth had gold glitter all over her body. Beth looked like she had just climbed off a stripper pole.

"RON THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Beth screamed. "YOU GOTTA COME HELP! WILLIAM IS TRAPPED IN THE BEDROOM!"

I jumped up so fast the movement knocked my wife right off the sofa. She fell to the floor landing on her rump. Reaching Beth, I pulled both crying children out of her grip. I then turned to my wife, but she had already scrambled to the phone and was dialing 911.

I dropped the still crying kids onto the sofa, than twirled to face Beth. "Jesus Christ! OK OK-Beth, I am going to get William outta there! Do you know where the fire started? Where has it spread?"

Beth was almost hysterical. "RON, WHAT DOES THAT MATTER! WE GOTTA SAVE WILLIAM!"

I was already heading to the door, hopping on one foot trying to put on my shoes. "Beth, please calm down. I need to know where the fire was at so I can figure how to get into the house. Is the doorway and stairs clear?"

Beth was following me as I ran out of my home, she seemed to be willing herself to calm down. "Ron it started in the bedroom. I was doing a striptease I learned in Cosmo and knocked over some candles. The curtains caught fire. I tried to put them out, but William yelled at me to grab the boys and get out!"

I had reached my truck, pulling open the cab to retrieve a fire extinguisher I kept there. "Beth was the stairs clear? How did you get the kids out?"

Beth was toddering behind me on her "Fuck me here hard " spiked shoes, still trying to hold it together. "I don't remember Ron! There was smoke all around us when we ran down the stairs."

"Shit" I muttered opening my garage door to grab the ten foot ladder. I turned to almost run into Beth who was right on my back. "Beth you stay here. Go out to the street to direct the firefighters when they arrive."

"Ron I can't stand and do nothing! "Beth pointed to their second story window. "My husband is up there!"

I could see she was about to erupt again. Shoving Beth toward the street. I said "We don't have time for this horseshit! Get your happy ass to the curb NOW!"

++++++

I used the fire extinguisher to break open my brother William's bedroom window. The extinguisher was a small unit, good for maybe kitchen grease fires and such, but it was better than nothing. Getting only a few cuts, I tumbled into the smoke filled room. Keeping low I cradled the fire extinguisher in my arm trying to locate William and the source of the smoke.

"WILLIAM" I yelled out, immediately regretting it, as my lungs filled with smoke and sent me coughing.

Then I heard Williams voice.

"RON? RON? RON GET OUT OF HERE!"

Williams voice was coming from their four poster bed in the corner. I crawled over there, and peeked my head up over the mattress.

William was spread out, naked on the bed. And Jesus H Christ -both his wrists were handcuffed to the headboards pillars!

William was coughing as he turned his head to me. "Ron get the hell out of here!"

I tried to hide my shock. "Yea right William and let Mom kick my ass again like when we were kids for leaving you behind. Not a chance! Where are the handcuffs keys Houdini?"

"On the edge of the dresser." William said, coughing and pointing with his chin and foot.

I stumbled in the smoke toward the dresser, but tripped over something, and fell slamming into the dresser. I than watched with horror as the key fell off the dresser, dropped onto the floor, bouncing once, before sliding down into the openings of the heating grate.

"SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled, as the key made its way to furnace in the basement. Smoke filling my lungs reminding me not take any deep breaths.

Crawling back onto Williams bed I started tugging at the handcuffs attached to one of the bed posts.

"Ron, where is the key?" William coughed at me.

The smoke was getting so thick I could not see Williams face clearly anymore. "Ah problem with that William. Got any more keys?" I said tugging harder on the cuff. The damn bed was solid oak, I know as I had helped William drag it piece by piece up the stairs.

"NO Ron. Now get outta here!" William tried to kick me off the bed with his legs. "Beat it Big Brother! Take care of Beth and my boys!"

My shoulders strained and I felt the veins rise in my forehead as I pulled on the handcuff. "Take care of Beth yourself!" I said thru gritted teeth. "You know my wife won't let me have a harem!"

I thought I felt a slight give on the headboard when a fit of coughing overwhelmed me. Next thing I knew I was flat on the floor, trying to get up, but my body refused to move. I felt some heat, than my vision began to gray out. I kept willing myself to stand, but reality was fading away.

"So this is how it ends?" I thought. "I know my wife will take care of our children, I hope she can be happy."

My body began to ascend, I saw a bright light coming closer to me.

Damn it! I knew what this meant! I was not ready to leave, and I would fight Saint Peter himself at the gates of Heaven or Hell!

I was trying to struggle when a deep voice filled my ears. "Relax Ron. I got you now. It is going to be OK. I am taking you out of here. You did well, relax."

"Fuck OFF!" I struck out with the last of my energy. I hit something solid. Now I was confused, when did the grim reaper get an earthy body?

"OUCH, Son of Bitch Ron, that hurt!" Suddenly cool air washed over my face, as something was placed on my mug. The deep voice continued. "Calm the fuck down before I kick you and that candy ass Truck of yours!"

I knew that voice! I popped open my eyes and was looking into the face of Leroy! He was holding in his arms me like a baby, his oxygen mask on my face.

"William...William.." I croaked out, not sure if Leroy understood as he had held his mask on my face.

Leroy knew what I wanted and turned us to face the bed. William's bedroom was crowded with firefighters in various colored gear. The bright lights on their helmets cutting through the smoke. One firefighter was working on William, who also had a firefighter's facemask on him feeding oxygen. Another fireman started a chain saw device and began to cut thru the headboard with one of the handcuffs attached. Two other firefighters had snaked a hose through the window and were making short work of the fire.

The chainsaw barked as it cut thru the first headboard. As the firefighter started on the second handcuff pillar, the chainsaw growled to a halt. After a few seconds he turned to Leroy. "Damn thing jammed on us again!"

Leroy threw me over one shoulder as if I were weightless. I saw him grab a fire ax from one of the firefighters. The fire ax looked like a small hatchet in Leroy's massive paw.

"Move!" Leroy barked at the men assembled around William's bed. Like Paul Bunyan of yore, Leroy swung the fire ax in a mighty arc. In only two blows, the post with the remaining handcuff fell like a sapling.

Handing the ax back, Leroy strode toward the window and passed me out the window to an awaiting paramedic.

+++++++

My wife was by my side as I sat on the edge of the Fire Rescue Truck sucking oxygen. We were awaiting the ambulance to arrive, because despite my protests, my wife was getting my ass to the hospital. She made sure I understood it was not a request. A sizable crowd had gathered, drawn by the fire trucks, lights and sirens. I saw Beth was wearing a coat over her "stripper" apparel. She was bouncing from one foot to the other trying to keep an eye on her bedroom window, while being restrained by a police officer enforcing crowd control.

A huge cheer rose up from the large assembly of our neighbors and several started clapping as Leroy emerged from the bedroom window. Leroy ascended the ladder with William slung over his shoulder. William was naked as the day he was born, with the handcuffs dangling off both wrists, pieces of the wooden headboard posts still attached . Judging from the amount of flashes it seemed everyone down below was recording the moment on their cellphones to be widely posted on facebook pages and Utube. I had no doubt William will be getting a lot more exposure then he wanted on the internet soon.

++++++

In the end, both William and I were kept overnight for observation before being released the next day. The damage to the Williams house was not too bad, true the bedroom would need to be gutted, but the rest was mainly smoke and water damage.

Now we all love William and Beth, but I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I saw a big pile of Cosmo magazines out by the curb the following trash day.

++++++

The following story you have read is true, the names and places have been changed to protect the REALLY foolish. Don't believe me? Ask any First Responder (Firefighter, police officer, paramedic, etc.) and they will have much more amazing accounts then my tale above. Some say the devil never has to do any work, as people get into plenty of trouble on their own.