Janet

I dejectedly let the underwear in my hand fall back into the drawer, slumped down on the bed and let the tears flow, and I began to understand what the depths of despair was really all about, my previously happy existence in tatters.

-------------

I was still sitting there some time later, hours maybe, when the phone rang again --- Yes, it had rang a few times and I had chosen to ignore it.

"Hello," I answered with little enthusiasm.

"Hello Mike. It's me honey," I heard from the other end of the line. "I've been trying to ring you sweetheart."

"I've been out Janet," I lied, not wishing to admit that I'd been sat there crying my eyes out half the day.

"It seems I made a dreadful mistake Mike," Janet mumbled into the phone. "Martha told me about what happened afterwards, and I've even spoken to Jennifer and apologised."

"So what now then?" I challenged her. "Where do we stand Janet?"

"Well I hope .... That is I ..... Oh my God Mike ----- I suppose you know about Nick?"

"That he plays football for bloody Stockport do you mean, or that you spent the night in bed with him?"

There was a long silence on the line.

"Oh I'm so sorry Mike," she went on at last. "I do love you honey and I hate myself for hurting you like that. I've been a real bitch."

"You fucked him then?" I accused her.

"I don't want to talk about it on the phone honey," Janet gulped, obviously close to tears. "Can I come round and see you?"

"Not at the moment Janet," I responded, remembering the pile of sick still on the living room floor. "Give me an hour or so."

"Ok Honey," she replied, and this time I could hear the sobs. "I'll be there this evening about eight."

----------------

Oh Christ what an awful damn job.

Have you ever scrubbed a carpet clean of vomit?

No?

Then it's not something I'd suggest you try, and I had to make two hasty visits to the toilet bowl before I got it looking and above all smelling about right, and then I had the same task to do to myself.

I wasn't looking forward to our meeting at all, and still hadn't made my mind up how to play it.

Yes sure --- Of course I wanted my wife back, but I needed to know who'd put all that rubbish in her head and for that, someone was going to pay.

Even then it wasn't that simple was it?

If Janet had indeed made one single error and it had been just that one slip up, then I thought I could forgive her. Yes, these things happen, and I wanted her back enough to turn the other cheek as it were.

But she'd been funny with me for two weeks or more. Had she been seeing this Nick guy behind my back for two weeks? Had she been having sex with him all that time behind my back?

I had no idea, and there was no point in surmising.

I simply prayed that by that night, that all would be Ok between us again.

Eight O'clock came and went, and I was a bundle of nerves.

The phone rang!

That damn phone again.

"Hi Mike, it's Martha," greeted me.

"Hi Martha, I'm just waiting for Janet to turn up," I replied. "Thanks --- I understand you explained things to her."

"I'm afraid Janet's not going to be there tonight Mike," Martha hit me with, without any pre-amble. "I've been on the phone with her for the last hour and she's in a terrible state."

"Why," I demanded, even though it was a stupid question.

"She's just so confused Mike. Can't believe what she's done to you, and not sure that you'll take her back. She's a very confused woman and very upset."

"Well she probably deserves it to be honest," I went on. "But I don't want to lose her Martha. I love her very much."

"I know you do Mike," Martha comforted me. "I'm sure you'll both sort it out for the best. Janet asked me to tell you that she'll be over to talk with you tomorrow after work. Her Mum will be bringing her over."

'That old dragon,' I thought, but not out loud, and simply thanked Martha for letting me know.

"I suppose Janet is spending the night at her parent's place then?" I asked crossing my gingers, seeking reassurance.

"I guess so Mike."

That was all the reassurance I got. It left me feeling empty inside and I picked the phone up at least four times to ring her parent's house, but put it back each time, so utterly confused.

What if she refused to talk to me?

Even worse, what if she wasn't actually there?

Oh shit!

I told myself that everything would be Ok the next day and eventually made it up to bed, the bottle and a half of wine that I'd consumed at least helping me to fall into a troubled sleep.

----------------

Forget about the next day at work. Better just forget all about it. I didn't get the sack or anything, but the boss certainly wasn't very happy with me.

"Go home Mike," he instructed me half way through the afternoon. "You're no bloody good here."

I think he realised I was having some family problems, and I remember him going through a few troubled months the previous year.

"Whatever the problem is Mike, get it sorted. Don't go and do something hot headed and regret it for the rest of your life."

So, home I went, and promptly wished that I was still back at work, where at least I notionally had something to keep my mind occupied.

The call from Martha when it came was a welcome distraction and she wished me luck as well. Told me not to jump off the deep end, and to give Janet time to explain everything.

Well it seemed that everyone else wanted my marriage to continue, and it seemed that Janet was keen as well.

Seemed it was going to be down to me, so I resolved to try to forgive and forget. Forget? --- Well that wouldn't be so easy, but I did feel that forgiveness was possible.

No ---- Not easy, that's not the right word, but Janet was my life. Damn it we'd even been talking about trying for a baby a few weeks before hadn't we?

Weren't too sure about that for a while, but ........ Well, just .... Just but!

My heart missed a beat when I heard the car pull up and I couldn't resist peeping out the window to watch Janet and her damn mother alight from the car. The pair of them looked nervously up at the house, and I'm sure that Janet snapped something angrily at the old dragon.

I hoped that Janet wouldn't ring the bell or anything silly, but sure enough a few moments later the pair of them entered to find me standing there waiting for them.

"Hello Mike," Janet ventured cautiously. "Are you OK honey?"

When I said nothing but simply shrugged my shoulders and nodded my head in acceptance, Janet face broke into a small smile and she rushed up to me and threw her arms round me, pulling me tight.

"Oh I'm so damn sorry Mike. I really and truly am," she sobbed. "I've been so silly to listen to what other people told me."

"It's OK sweetheart," I answered, wrapping my arms round her, and letting the healing process begin, difficult though I knew it would be.

"Would you mind leaving us for a while please?" I said to her mother who was still standing there scowling. "I think Janet and I need a little time alone together."

"I think I'd better stay and just ......" She began to object, but Janet interrupted her.

"Please Mum, don't be awkward. This isn't easy for Mike and I'd prefer it if you weren't here as well."

Her mother pulled a face, and reluctantly turned and left the room. I was a bit puzzled at why she still thought I was at fault, as that was certainly her attitude towards me.

Our conversation started, and the beginning at least, was much as I expected.

"I can't apologise enough Mike for how much I must have hurt you honey," Janet began. "I should have talked to you about it before doing something as stupid as that in public."

"Who fed you those lies then Janet," I asked, but she refused to tell me, though I caught her glancing towards the door where her mother had left, before she caught herself and looked back at me.

So that it, was it? The cow, the bitch. Why in hell's name did her mother hate me so much? I decided that this wouldn't be the end of the matter, but that moment of reconciliation didn't seem to be the right moment. I'd bide my time. I'd find out, and that trouble-making cow would pay.

"Can you forgive me honey?" Janet pleaded, looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

"I've got to know what I have to forgive Janet," I responded. "You slept with him didn't you?"

"Yes Mike," she whispered quietly into my chest.

"And I suspect that the other night may have not been the first time either?"

"No Mike," Janet flashed back at me. "I swear to you that last night was the first time. At least that is, the first time since years ago when I was his girlfriend."

"But you've been seeing him though haven't you?" I accused her.

"Yes," she admitted humbly. "I've met him a few times over lunch and a couple of times after work."

"And had sex I suppose," I scowled.

"No I told you Mike," Janet pleaded with me. "I promise you we didn't. I let him kiss me and things a bit, that's all."

"But why Janet?" I asked back, on the point of tears myself. "I have to know Janet to get past this. What's wrong with me sweetheart? Don't you love me?"

"Of course I love you Mike," she cried back in despair. "But that's the problem, don't you see?"

"See what?" I retorted. "You love me so why did you need another man?"

Janet hesitated, and then ended all hope for me.

"I love Nick as well Mike. Can't you understand? I've never stopped loving him and should have gone up north with him when he asked me several years ago. It was only Mum that stopped me then, and I never looked at another man seriously till I met you."

"What? What the fuck are you telling me," I screamed at her, pushing her away, my brain unable to register quite what she was telling me.

"I'm sorry Mike, but you had to find out sooner or later honey," she sobbed aloud, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "I do love you honey, but I love Nick as well and always have. Nick is ..... Well Nick is Nick and we were always meant to be together."

"What are you telling me," I choked out unable to believe my ears, my heart pounding inside my chest.

"I'm sorry honey," Janet cried, now in a full flood of tears. "I'm not coming home baby. I can't. I've got to try to make it with Nick now he's back. It was just meant to be that way."

I stood there in a trance, unable to speak and quite likely on the edge of a heart attack of some sort.

I couldn't believe it.

I'd been searching my heart to see if I could find it within me to forgive my wife, and all that time my darling Janet was planning on dumping me for another man.

At that moment the door burst open and the dragon charged in.

"Haven't you caused enough problems already?" she shouted at me. "Look, I hope you're pleased with yourself now ---- You've made my daughter cry."

"Mum," Janet sobbed. "Please don't interfere."

"None of this would have happened if he hadn't come along," the dragon continued unabated. "You took her away from me and from Nick."

"Mum, shut up for Christ's sake," Janet screamed at her.

"Better still," I butted in, regaining my senses at least a tiny bit. "You can piss off out of my house you interfering old cow."

"You can't talk to me like that," the old cow spat back at me, but I took her by the arm and forcibly frog marched her to the front door, where I pushed her out and slammed the door in her face.

"Sorry about Mum," Janet said forlornly. "Sorry about everything Mike."

"I think you'd better go as well Janet," I informed my so-called wife sternly. "Nick will be missing you."

"But we've got things to sort out Mike," Janet argued. "I can't just walk off and leave you like that."

"You've walked off and left me once Janet," I pointed out angrily. "I don't need your bloody sympathy."

"But I want to help you Mike," she blubbered. "I want to try to make you understand."

"I don't want your damn help Janet," I spat back at her. "And I understand perfectly well that you've cheated on me and now you're deserting me for some other poor sod."

"Please Mike," she sobbed softly. "Please let me ......"

"NO Janet!" I screamed back at her, at the end of my tether. "Please, if you want to do something for me, then just go!"

Janet broke down and cried again, sobbing into her hands.

"Can you ever forgive me Mike," she asked at last between sobs. "Can you ever forgive me for what I've done to you?"

"Yes, you're forgiven you bitch if that's what you want," I lied to her between my teeth. "Now piss off out of my house and let me get on with the rest of my life, if I ever can."

Janet made to step towards me offering up her face in a familiar way, for what would have been one final kiss maybe, but I stepped back and held up my hand to stop her.

"I may forgive you Janet," I cried in anguish. "But not enough to ever let you touch me again."

Janet visibly crumpled even further, turned slowly and left the house, her cries still audible as she disappeared out of my life forever.

Or so I thought at the time!

------------------------

I don't remember a thing about the next few days as I sank into a bottomless pit of depression. From happily married man thinking about starting a family, I had slumped to an abandoned wretch in just a couple of days.

It was too much, and I turned to drink as an escape, but of course that is never an answer is it?

I'd rather not dwell too much on that sorry week, but with the help of a few friends I managed to pull through. Even my boss was understanding, but then again I was very good at my job, so I suppose it paid him to be so.

See ------ See what was happening to me? Not surprisingly, I was becoming a cynic!

Our friends seemed to split down the middle. Though the majority of them had known Janet much longer than me, many of them stuck by me. They never mentioned her by name in my presence, except by accident on the odd occasion.

Some awful hurt inside me wanted to find out more about Nick, but I couldn't bring myself to ask any of them for any information. I even went to watch bloody Stockport play one evening, and saw the bastard come on as a substitute in the second half and score a goal to force the draw. I still knew little about him, but had to admit he was a handy footballer. I wondered if Janet was in the crowd that evening, and scanned the boxes to see if I could see her.

But no sign of her. It was just too far away maybe.

I left the ground that night feeling so miserable that I couldn't hope to describe it. The bastard had beaten me, and all I could do was see images of a happy Janet launching herself into his arms after his success on the field.

I doubt if she gave one thought for poor me.

There was no way I was up to dating or anything, and that would surely take a good while to feel OK to re-start that part of my life. I hadn't thought about a divorce or anything, and didn't see the point. If she wanted to marry the sod, then she could do the work and he could pay for it. He no doubt earned enough as a professional footballer, even if it was just Stockport.

Life went on!

Then, about three weeks after our split up, around nine O'clock one night, my miserable evening was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Answering it, I was astonished to see Janet standing there.

"What do you want?" I asked in an unfriendly tone.

"Can I come in please Mike," she requested.

I hesitated, but stood aside and followed her into the living room, my mind in turmoil, Janet being the last person I expected to see.

Dammit ---- Why did she have to look so bloody gorgeous?

"So what do you want then?" I repeated sternly, noting how unhappy Janet looked. Maybe he'd thrown her out or something?

Maybe that was too much to hope for?

Did I really want that to happen?

"Can I have a cup of tea please honey?" Janet asked quietly.

"Are you sure you're staying that long Janet," I shot back at her. "Won't Nick be missing you? And I'm not your honey anymore unless you've forgotten."

"Please Mike don't be horrible to me," she whined, wringing her hands together. "Nick doesn't know I'm here, but we've got something we need to talk about."

"I've got nothing to talk to you about Janet," I told her, my heart breaking.

"Please Mike, don't be difficult. We really do need to talk."

Reluctantly I went to the kitchen and made two mugs of tea. Seemed like old times, but of course it was nothing of the sort. I stood there waiting for the kettle to boil, wondering what the hell Janet wanted from me this time.

The divorce maybe????

Was this to be the moment?

"So what have we got to talk about Janet?" I demanded, handing over her mug of tea. "I can't imagine there's much left to sort out."

"I'm pregnant Mike!" She blurted out, and dropped her head in her hands.

"That was damn quick," I shot back. "You've only been fucking him for a few weeks."

"It's not Nick's baby Mike."

"What?"

"It's not Nick's Mike."

"But .... But ..... I don't understand."

"I'm nearly three months gone Mike," Janet went on almost inaudibly. "It couldn't be Nick's, as he only came back a couple of months ago. It has to be yours. You're the father of my baby Mike."

Oh bloody hell!

What on earth did I do to deserve this?

---------------------

Let's be honest.

At that point you wouldn't want to have been in my shoes would you.

What would you have done?

The woman that I hated, but loved at the same time was pregnant with MY baby. Oh, make no mistake there. It was MY baby.

Did I tell her to piss off as I was inclined to do, or did I react differently as I really wanted to?

I was a confused mess.

Well, to begin with we both simply stood there staring at one another. Me wondering what to say, and Janet wondering what my reaction would be.

"Well?" Janet asked eventually.

"I don't know what to say," I replied.

"Well are you happy?" she asked tentatively.

"Should I be?" I countered.

"We were planning a family Mike," she went on cautiously. "Before ..... Well .... You know .... Before what happened."

"But where does that leave us now Janet?" I asked ---- The obvious question.

"It's up to you Mike," Janet managed with difficulty to spill out. "Whether you'll have me back or not."

"And Nick, your boyfriend. What about him," I demanded, feeling my hackles rise at her cheek. "Where does he come into all this?"

"He's not into kids Mike. He's made that very clear, and especially someone else's."

"Does he even know about the baby?" I queried, wondering if he'd already thrown her out. "Does anyone else know?"

"No Mike," she replied, incredibly honestly. "I thought I'd tell you first. I haven't changed my feelings for Nick in any way since I've been away Mike. But I really have missed you so very much. Not a day has passed that I haven't thought about you."

"But he's still first choice though?"

"Maybe. But you and the baby together change everything. I'll give him up if I have to."

My mind was doing overtime as we sat there simply looking at one another again. I knew things could never be the same again, but just maybe they could be at least OK.

And the baby? That was the clincher!

I simply couldn't throw my own unborn baby out on the street.

"Ok then Janet," I relented. "You can move back in if that's what you want, but not into my bedroom. Until further notice you sleep in the spare bedroom and we'll see how it works out."

"Oh thank you Mike honey," Janet gushed, leaping up and rushing over to me. "I knew you wouldn't let me down. You'll see, it will all work out for the best."

I turned my face to offer my cheek when she tried to kiss me, which surprised her, but she ended up on my lap anyway with her arms round my neck. I wanted to shoo her off, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She just felt so right being there again.