tagHumor & SatireJanet and John

Janet and John

bytrevorm©

A 'Chippie' off the Old Block

Janet has given John a carpentry set for his birthday. See John perspire as he practises boring holes and filling them. Janet thinks John could bore for England. John likes making things, and mending them too.

Janet says, "I've had Mrs Edwards on the phone this morning, John. She says would you mind popping round with your tools and fixing something for her?"

John says, "That would be smashing! I love helping people with their problems, especially Mrs Edwards."

See John do a merry dance in the kitchen? Janet does.

"Yes," continues Janet, "she says she has a stiff letter box that needs attention and would you like to look at it for her?"

"I'll go round there right away. It probably just needs an oiling, but I'll take my whole tool box just in case."

See John gaily hop, skip and jump along the pavement with his tools swinging loosely by his side - it's probably something to do with the way he dresses these days. Today he is wearing a ten gallon hat, a mauve polka-dot neckerchief and some nice chaps. John likes nice chaps, and so does Janet. John's a fop.

Soon John is going up Mrs Edwards' rear drive and knocking at her back door. Lucky John.

Mrs Edwards says, "Hello John, have you come to look at my letter box?"

"Yes, Mrs Edwards... Janet tells me you've got quite a stiff one."

"Yes, John. The flap has a nasty habit of snapping back when you're least expecting it and I'm afraid somebody's going to lose their finger one day. I've lost count of the times my postman has bruised himself. And yesterday a letter from my friend in France got all mangled in there too."

"Oh dear, Mrs Edwards... I'm sorry to hear that."

"You'll have to come round the front, John... that's where the naughty letter box is.'

Mrs Edwards is a well-to-do woman of substance and is a big wheel at the Rotary club. See John admiring her considerable assets as he follows her through the hallway to the front of the house. Janet doesn't know about this side of John. Lucky John! Lucky Janet!

John kneels down under Mrs Edwards' front porch and gives her letter box a good poke. "Oh my," says John. "It's a wonder anyone can get anything in here at all, Mrs Edwards. It really is quite a difficult flap to open, isn't it? I'll try a little squirt of something first. That might free it up. If that doesn't help I'll give it a good going over with my big screw driver. That sometimes does the trick."

"And if you've got time, John," says Mrs Edwards, "I wonder if you might take a look at my back door as well. It tends to creak if there's a lot of wind." (See flatulence)

"Of course," says John, "I'll be only too pleased to do all your little jobs... big jobs too, if you have any. It's all in a day's work for me."

Mrs Edwards says, "Oh thank you, John, what a kind and considerate young man you are to put yourself out like this. And I must say... I love your hat, your pretty neckerchief, and the fact that you're into chaps. Where did you get your outfit from?

"The Surplus Cowboy Store in Duke Street," says John proudly. John likes Clint Eastwood. I don't think Clint Eastwood knows about John.

John thanks Mrs Edwards for her kind words and sets about fixing all her stiff bits and loose pieces. Afterwards he inspects her back door to see why it creaks in the wind. Soon John has sorted that out too. Look how pleased Mrs Edwards is. Clever John.

"You will stay for a cup of tea, won't you John?" she says.

"Oh yes, that would be smashing," says John.

While having their cups of tea with walnut whips, Mrs Edwards says: "I wonder if I might ask you, John, whether you wouldn't mind leaving a drill bit with me and also a small saw... there's something I have to do tomorrow and I don't want to trouble you with it. You've worked quite hard enough for me already. But if I could just borrow the tools for a day, I will do it myself."

"Of course," says John. "Are you sure you can manage on your own, Mrs Edwards?"

"Don't worry, John, I like to keep my hand in now and again."

When John gets home Janet says, "I hope you were a good boy when you were out and managed to keep Mrs Edwards happy."

John says, "Yes, I was a very good boy, Janet, and I think I kept Mrs Edwards satisfied too!

First I had to service her very fierce letterbox because it wasn't opening as it should and when anyone did manage to get inside it, the flap was very likely to snap shut on them without any warning whatsoever. Even the postman said he lost count of the times he had his fingers jammed in there. One day, one of Mrs Edwards' French letters got ripped to shreds. Just imagine!

And then I managed to stop her back door from creaking with just one squirt of oil. Mrs Edwards was so thrilled she gave me two whipped walnuts with my cup of Darjeeling tea which was very exciting indeed!

Mrs Edwards then asked me if I wouldn't mind burrowing her with a drill for a bit and perhaps leaving her a little saw - but only for a day. She said she sometimes liked to do things herself so she could keep her hands on the tools.

Have you ever tried posting a spirit level in a fop's letter box? Janet has!

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