tagHumor & SatireJanine Goes Shopping

Janine Goes Shopping

byDonnerBBQ©

© 2010 by DonnerBBQ. All rights reserved.

Feedback welcome and appreciated.


*

The Saturday started like any ordinary Saturday. My wife and I shared a couple cups of coffee on the back deck as we read the newspaper and enjoyed the gorgeous morning. Later we went for a walk around a nearby lake and chatted with some neighbors that we met along the way. This had become our routine for Saturday mornings and it was wonderful. On these mornings all of the common stresses of life slipped away and it was just the two of us, sharing our lives together.

In the afternoon we did our own things for a while. Janine went happily off to the mall to do some shopping and I began watching a football game being played by a local college team. But the game quickly turned into a disaster. At the end of the first half my team was down 38-0 and I clicked off the television in disgust.

I then encountered one of those rare moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't feel like channel surfing or doing any of the many home improvement projects that were awaiting me. I didn't feel like working, or toiling in the yard. I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my free time.

Then I decided to go to the mall. I figured I could buy a new drill or something and maybe I'd run into Janine while I was there. At the mall I wandered around for several minutes looking for Janine. I realized that I likely wouldn't find Janine in such a large place but I looked anyway. I found a directory and located a department store that would probably have tools, and started heading in that direction.

But on my way I saw Janine. She was in a popular shoe store chatting away with a salesman. I approached the door to surprise her when something made me pause. I think it was the expression on her face or maybe it was her smile. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew that something wasn't quite right. I stepped back away from the door and sat down on a bench outside the store where I would be largely obscured by a fake fern. And I watched. I felt a twinge of guilt for spying on my wife, but something just didn't feel right.

The salesman motioned for her to sit down in one of the chairs and he walked off like he was fetching a pair of shoes from the back room. When he left she started looking around the store. And that's when I noticed what had initially caught my attention. It wasn't her smile or expression; it was her attire. I hadn't noticed what she was wearing when she left the house as the game was starting, but I sure noticed it now. She had a nice pair of jeans on and a gray t-shirt from a nearby museum. Those were fine, but I couldn't believe the hat she was wearing. I can't honestly tell you what kind of hat it was, but it was brown and looked like a flying saucer. The problem was that it only covered about half of her ears! Her hair was draped over her ears so nothing was exposed, but I couldn't believe that she would go out leaving only her hair to protect her modesty.

The salesman returned carrying a pair of black shoes with heels. He kneeled down and gently took hold of one foot to begin removing her tennis shoe. As he glided it off her foot, he picked up one of the new shoes and started sliding it onto her foot.

But then it happened. Janine tilted her head down to look at the new shoe adorning her foot and her hat slipped forward and off her head. An expression of panic crossed her beautiful face followed by one of embarrassment. Her hair was still completely covering her ears but I couldn't believe that just a thin layer of hair was preventing her ears from being seen by this salesman and everyone else that was around.

He smiled at her, picked up her hat and handed it back to her. Meanwhile she was beet red from embarrassment and appeared to be apologizing to the salesman. She probably made the salesman's week, and she's the one apologizing.

I figured that she'd put the hat back on to at least provide some additional coverage, so I was shocked when she just placed the hat on the chair beside her. So there was my wife practically naked sitting in a shoe store with a salesman and a bunch of other customers milling around. Even worse, there were now several people outside the store, peering in at my barely covered wife.

It was so surreal, watching my wife sitting there like that. I knew that at any moment her hair could move and completely expose her private parts to all of these men. She surely knew the danger that she was in, but there she sat anyway with a big smile on her face. And I was stuck frozen on the bench outside the store.

I thought that maybe she was just teasing the bastard for some reason, but then I saw her raise her hands towards her face. In one quick and elegant movement she brushed her hair back and off her voluptuous ear lobes. I almost died in that moment. There was my wife with her fun lobes on complete display to several men in the store, including the salesman sitting inches in front of her. Several guys outside the store caught the movement and began staring into the store as well. I just couldn't believe that she was sitting there with a smile on her face while all these guys gawked at her exposed lobes.

The sleazy salesman wasted no time trying to take advantage of the moment. He stood up, brazenly grabbed his uniform cap and pulled it off, exposing his ears completely to everyone around. Janine looked at him with an expression of awe on her face. From where I was sitting he didn't appear to be enormously endowed but he was definitely bigger than average.

By now there was a small crowd gathering outside the store, peering in at the two with their appendages exposed. I didn't think it could get any worse, but then it did. I watched as the sleazy salesman guy leaned forward to pick up a shoe and brought his head right next to hers. Their ears must have been just an inch apart and yet she kept her head still. Her private parts were just an inch from another man's, and yet she made no effort to move away.

Sleazo obviously took this as a sign to proceed, and he did. I sat paralyzed as he slowly moved his head closer to hers until their ears gently touched. Janine closed her eyes and seemed to be enjoying the intimate contact. The sleaze meister started slowly moving his head, rubbing his member back and forth across my wife's auricle. Sometimes he would lift his ear off hers, and expose her's fully to the mass of men watching. It wasn't just her lobe anymore that they could see. They could see the curves of her antihelix, her fleshy tragus, the delicate depression of her triangular fossa, and the top of the helix. They could even see the opening into her canal. They could see everything on her. And she was just letting them all watch.

So there was my beautiful wife, completely exposed and letting herself get rubbed against with another man's unit. And I lost it. I couldn't stand to sit there watching my marriage and my life ripped apart anymore. I didn't even care to stop it at this point; I just needed to get away.

I drove home in a distraught mess. Images of Janine in the shoe store repeatedly flashed in my head. And I kept thinking, "How could she do this to me? How could she do this to us?" Just this morning our lives were perfect, and now they were in complete ruin. I was simply devastated.

I sat back down on our couch, the same couch that just an hour ago I sat in, when the biggest stress in my life was a stupid football game. I glanced around our living room at the material manifestation of the life we had put together for ourselves. I wanted to destroy it all because it didn't matter. I knew in my heart it was over. We could try to talk about it and understand why she did what she did, but how would I ever be able to trust her again? I knew I could never trust her again. And that meant we were through.

I went upstairs to pack a suitcase. I knew we would eventually have to sort out the house, the cars and all of the other financial crap, but at that moment I just couldn't care. It was taking every ounce of willpower to not grab the shotgun and put the barrel under my chin.

As I came back down the stairs with two suitcases and my laptop in hand I heard Janine's car door close. She opened up the front door just as I reached the bottom of the stairs. She noticed me and my luggage right away. She must have known that I knew, but she played innocent.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I'm leaving. I saw you in the shoe store." I said, calmly. At that moment I wasn't angry. I was exhausted. I had already cried in sorrow and screamed in anger. Now I was just emotionally drained.

"You saw me at the shoe store?" she asked, like she was trying to figure out just how much I had seen.

As she continued to play dumb I could feel the anger swelling up inside me again. I began yelling, "Yes, I saw you in the store. I saw you sitting there, letting everyone see your ears."

She interrupted. "Wait, you're upset because people saw my ears?" she asked. The tone in her voice suggested that she thought I was being ridiculous.

"Of course! I can't believe that you would show off your ears to all those other men. I can't believe that you brazenly flaunted them like that." I said.

"Honey, they're just ears. Everyone has them. I don't see why you're making a big deal out of it."

I didn't even know how to respond to that bit of wanton stupidity. So I moved on. "And I saw you letting that sales-fuck rub his ear all over yours. How could you do that? How could you do that to me? To us?"

"Oh honey, I think you need to relax. This isn't such a big deal. You're making it into much more than it is."

Her whole tone was condescending. She was trying to make it seem like this was all in my mind, that I was the one misinterpreting what I saw. That she hadn't done a damn thing wrong. It was all in my imagination.

I realized that there was no point in arguing any more. And there was no hope for our marriage. I picked up my bags and started for the door.

"Honey!" she cried. Tears were running down her face. I knew she didn't want me to leave. I also knew that she didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth and own up to her actions.

I put the bags in the trunk and got in the car. As I drove away from the house, I took one last look back and saw Janine standing at the door, balling. I knew she was in pain. The part of me that loved her wanted to comfort her and make her feel better. But I also knew she was responsible for all of this pain, and there was no going back. Ever.

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by Anonymous

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by Christyfan09/19/14

Excellent!

I'm amazed by those readers who failed to see the humour in this. Well done!

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by Anonymous03/08/14

Wtf?

Are you retarded?

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by EgoTrixi10/18/13

Just imagine...

...I am going to get a divorce too - my wife walks around showing her naked hands to everybody. Impossible behaviour.
Impossible story (or I am too stupid to understand). Are you muslim? If so, what aremore...

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