Jesus Please Forgive Me

"Oh yeah, that was worth waiting all of these years for," she said.

"Sorry," I said. "I tried not to mess up your make-up. Your lipstick is all smeared."

"Mess it up some more," she said. "I'll redo it in the ladies room or the truck."

"Janie, we'll have plenty of time for that when church is over," I said. "I promise."

"You're serious aren't you?" she asked. "My brother is going to try to stay married, but you..."

I shook my head. "With the way I'm feeling about you right now, I'm probably a hypocrite, but I want a divorce," I said. "I'll see you later ma'am," I said. I swatted her gently on her ass.

"Hey, who said you could do that?" she asked.

"Me," I said.

"Okay, just checking," she said. "Hurry back."

"Janie, remember when the choir leaves the church you need to get the hell out of there ASAP," I said.

She just nodded her head.

Barely an hour later, here we are. The Reverend looks nervous and notices for the first time that the reporters and their cameramen are taking pictures and video of everything that's going on. Even as he catches his first glimpse of the big video screen behind him, he senses that he's in trouble. He motions to Bobby to get the car ready, just in case he needs to make a quick exit.

The visiting choir is whipping the crowd into a frenzied state, just as the images and sounds start to pour from the sound system.

The lead vocalist launches into the song's second verse while the rest of the choir gyrates and dances along to the raucous music. I'm there, waving my arms around and pointing at the video screen and clapping my hands in time to the music, like an insane cheerleader. And I am cheering. And I am cheerful, and gleeful. My cheer is for the end of the bullshit and hopefully the end of this asinine church and its officers. They're the ones who need forgiveness, not me. Fuck them all.

"On my knees beside my bed," sings the vocalist. Her backup singers punctuate each of her phases with," Liar, liar, liar."

"I'm sorry for the things I said" she screams. "Liar, liar, liar."

"I've washed the sheets a million times," she sings. "Liar, liar, liar."

"I'm payin' for my crime," she sings mournfully. By this time, the entire audience is staring at the images of the Reverend and the deacon engaged in sexual acts with several of the women from the congregation. The women are shocked and begin screaming for the video to be shutdown. Angry voices, most belonging to men, start screaming too. The men are outraged and angry.

"Oh, Jesus, please forgive me," sings the choir, as the reporters film every second of it.

"Oh, Jesus, please forgive me," they sing, as the Reverend stares at me and heads for the door but finds his way blocked.

"Oh, Jesus, please forgive me," sings the choir, as Kim looks my way with tears running down her cheeks as she watches herself taken anally by the Reverend on the video screen. He pounds her brutally all the while smiling his Cheshire cat-like smile. She looks away because she knows that Jesus may forgive her. In fact, Jesus will forgive her. But the son of God is divine. I, on the other hand, being only a pitiful flawed human being; I lack the capacity for things like that. So even hoping that I will ever forgive her is wasted.

"You fucking bastard," screams the preacher's wife in a voice so loud it drowns out both the AV system and the choir. That loud voice galvanizes the crowd. And as one they surge towards the preacher and the deacon. The Reverend leaps for the side door and again finds his way blocked by my guys. He fights his way through them, clawing and screaming but only finds the door locked.

My guys were supposed to let him get through. Two of them have already left the church and are waiting outside.

I look across the large room and see the choir filing outside. I nod my head at Janie and she leaves just behind the choir. I slip out the door that the choir came in through and it is shut behind me.

This is when my plan starts to fail. I never realized that the people inside the church would be so angry. My men have also decided to mutiny. My entire plan was for the Reverend to be embarrassed in front of the whole town. He'd have to step down as minister and he'd be sanctioned by the body who gave him his authority. Apparently though, several of my guys had decided that I was being too soft on him. They wanted a bit of old school justice and they had prepared for it. All they needed to do was to get the rest of the congregation to go along with it.

But from the screams inside of the church, they too had underestimated the anger level that the crowd and the preacher's wife had reached. It sounded as if they were trying to tear the preacher and the deacons, limb from limb. They apparently even went after the deacons who were innocent.

Outside of the church, a few cameramen watched, as the choir got back on their bus and drove off, still singing. They were booked at another church in an hour.

I walked around to the side of the church and saw Bobby sitting on the car. He got out his cigarettes and smiled. I smiled back at him.

"What the fuck are you smiling about?" he asked. Janie came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"I know that you fucked Kim too," I said. His movements slowed down and he watched me warily.

"So, what are you going to do about it," he said nervously. He struck the match and I could already see the fumes as the hot sun beat down on the car.

I backed away, pushing Janie behind me.

"Nothing," I said, continuing to back away from him. "You'll be getting what you deserve like it says in the bible. Only yours is going to be really fucking soon."

A couple of my guys came over then. And there were a few people following them. Bobby dropped the match he held in his hands, the same way he always did. The flames shot up so quickly that it was almost like an explosion.

The polish I'd used on the preacher's car had been one third Turtle wax Ice, one third gasoline and the last third had been mostly chemical accelerants to make sure the car had burned completely. I had probably overdone it. The entire car went up in flames and far faster than I'd ever thought. I'd been right to worry about how close the church was to the car, but I never thought that the church would catch on fire from the car.

Bobby's earsplitting scream drew the attention of everyone in the area. He ran towards me still on fire.

"Stop, drop and roll," I yelled. He dropped to the ground in front of me frantically rolling. At that point the flames were only on his clothes.

"Bobby, I lied," I said. He continued to beat at the flames.

"I once told you that I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire," I said. I unzipped my pants and pulled out my equipment and peed all over him. It did help some. Most of the flames went out. He was still screaming some as he lay there. That was when I kicked him in the nuts.

"I changed my mind about not doing anything about you fucking Kim, too," I said.

As the flames on the church got higher, the people inside started running out of both doors. I noticed a bunch of men dragging the preacher and the deacon out of the building just as the fire trucks and the Sheriff arrived.

The Sheriff only had one deputy and there was no way they could calm that crowd down. I walked past the Sheriff as the crowd dragged the preacher over to where a large vat of tar was being heated. Mercifully they weren't using boiling tar, the way they did in the old days.

"No," screamed the preacher as they flung him bodily into the large vat of the black rubbery tar. The tar was hot enough that it wasn't comfortable and he screamed even louder as he landed in it. He was lucky that he was able to keep his head out of it. His skin, wherever the tar touched, turned bright red as if he'd been scalded. He quickly leaped out of the vat screaming at the top of his lungs. Three other men threw feathers at him and rolled him around on the ground. His wife kicked him in the ass and spat on him. Then he got loose and ran away as fast as he could go. He was lucky again, because in the old days they'd have taken his clothes off. He probably would have died.

The deacons got the same treatment. By that time, the fire department had most of the blaze under control. There were several angry men screaming at their wives, including all of my guys. I led Janie to my car. Just as we got there, Kim headed towards me with a pleading look on her face. A woman from out of town stepped between us.

She was a slim, younger woman with blond hair. She cracked her gum as she spoke to Kim. I couldn't hear exactly what they said but I saw Kim nod her head. And then the woman handed her a large envelope that contained the divorce papers my lawyer had prepared.

Kim started crying loudly and a few of the women from the church went over to her. She looked at me with a pleading look, but I just shook my head, got into the car and drove away.

I dropped Janie off at her place. She leaned into the car after she got out. "Why are you just sitting there?" she asked. "Aren't you coming in?"

"Nope," I said. And her face fell.

"I should have known," she said. I looked at her crazily. I got out of the car and went around to her.

"What should you have known?" I asked.

"That you were just like everybody else," she said. "At least you didn't try to fuck me before you left."

"Only because we need to get on the road," I said. "But when we stop at a hotel tonight, who knows."

"Huh?" she asked.

"Janie, I brought you home so you could grab a few things and make a few calls. I'm going to go home and do the same. Then we're leaving. We're getting the hell out of this town."

The smile she gave me lit up my black leather interior. She kissed me again and as she walked towards her house, there was definitely more swaying in her hips.

I headed the car home. I packed as many items of clothing as I thought I could get into the Mustang's, less than roomy, trunk. That would leave the back seat for Janie's stuff. Anything that I couldn't fit now, I'd have to come back for.

I guess I could have packed more quickly, but I really wanted to give Kim the chance to come home. I didn't want her to think that I'd just snuck away without her having a chance to talk to me.

I saw her car pull into the driveway. I grabbed some of my grooming stuff and my iPad and walked slowly towards the door.

She opened it and stepped in just as I got to it.

"So how long have you been fucking the town whore?" she said slowly.

"Apparently, ever since YOU said "I Do," I quipped. She shrank away from the anger in my voice. She sniffled and wiped away a tear. I pushed her down onto the sofa and handed her a tissue.

"Kim, do you actually know anyone who's slept with Janie?" I asked. She looked at me and started to say something, but stopped.

"On the other hand, I know of at least three men that you've had sex with while we've been married," I said.

"But, you sleeping with her, makes us even," she said.

"I haven't slept with her," I said.

"So, go ahead," she said. "I saw the two of you while they were assaulting the Reverend. It looked like the two of you were going to burst into flames because you were so hot for each other. She's a really pretty girl. I know you want her. And it looks like she wants you too. So go ahead and have yourself a fling with her and when it runs its course..."

"Kim, she's had a crush on me for more than ten years. I don't think it's going to run its course," I said.

"Oh..." she said sadly.

"And even if it does or even when it does..." I said.

"There's no hope for us," she said. I shook my head.

"But you love me," she said. "And I love you too. I love you more than any other man on..."

"But you didn't love me enough to say no to..." I began.

"John, that was only..." she began.

"Kim, please don't say that it was only sex," I snapped.

"I was going to say, that it was only something I had to do for the church and the community," she said. "The Reverend has needs too. And as a man of God, I thought that I was..." she started crying then.

"I was such as fool wasn't I?" she said. "He really wasn't a good man. He just used me didn't he?"

"He used a lot of people," I said.

"Then, why are we the only ones getting a divorce?" she asked.

"Maybe it's because it's the right thing for US to do," I said. "Kim you're a good woman. I loved you with all of my heart. But even before I found out about this, things had been going south for us. Your obsession with religion and charity work over the past couple of years was only a symptom of our problems, not the whole story. You need to find someone who shares your interest in religion and doing good works."

"And you need to find someone to raise hell with, right?" she asked bitterly.

"No, Kimmie," I said. "I just need someone who loves me enough to put me first. I wouldn't have cared if you needed to go to church every God damned day. As long as you were mine, it would have been fine. I didn't mind sharing you with God. But the preacher, the deacon and that fucking chauffer were just too much."

She nodded. "You get the house," I said. "I'll leave you some money. If you need more, or you figure out what you want to do...Sell it and move on. I'm going to."

I kissed her on her forehead and moved on into my new life.

A few moments later, I drove up to Janie's house. I knocked on the door. I heard her brother's voice telling me to come in. When I walked into the living room, I saw Grant watching a replay of the Phoenix 500 NASCAR race. His plump wife was kneeling between his spread thighs with her head bobbing up and down.

"Hey John," he said. His wife turned to look at me in embarrassment. "Who told you to stop?" he asked angrily.

"But I don't want anyone to see me su..." she began.

"Don't worry about it Maybelle," I said. "I'm family. I won't tell anyone about it."

Grant looked at me crazily and smiled. "Go get me another beer woman," he said. "John, I'd consider you a best friend, but I'm not sure I'd go as far as to say family..."

"Even though I'm marrying your sister...?" I asked. He started laughing just as Janie came into the room. She was carrying a suitcase and a garbage bag full of what looked like clothes.

"Who said I wanted to marry you, John?" she asked.

I was about to answer but Grant got to her first. "You did dummy," he said. "Ever since you were able to write, you wrote Jane Smith on so many God damned notebooks that you didn't have room for your homework. Every time one of your own brothers farted near you, you threatened us with John and..."

"Nobody asked you, asshole," she snapped. "I was talking to John."

She came over and put her hand in mine. "I..." I began. But before I could even add another syllable, she kissed me.

"Okay, Damn, stop begging," she said. "I'll marry you. Shit, you've only asked me a thousand times."

I looked at her crazily. "When did I...?"

"Every night, in my dreams," she said. "So where are we going?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Where do you want live?"

"Anywhere but here," she smiled, dragging me out of the door and into our future.

Epilog

Janie and I finally settled in Chicago. We got along great and we did get married. All women are different. Each one is like a new and unique treasure that nature has placed here. But they all have their issues too. I guess I should have known it from the start but Janie's was obsession. She'd been crazy about me since she was a kid, so she wasn't going to do anything to lose me. At the same time, she was so jealous it was nuts.

I got a great new job and she immediately took a disliking to my secretary. Hilda was 68 years old and almost ready for retirement. Janie showed up at work on an almost daily basis to check on me. Hilda thought it was cute. She was flattered that a woman as young and pretty as Janie would consider her a threat. When Hilda did retire, Janie became my new secretary. That meant that we were together 24/7. So we all know what that led to.

Yep, it led to pregnancy. So, two years after we'd left home, we went back for a visit so our daughter Helen could meet her uncles.

The town had pretty much the same look, but it felt different. The church had never been rebuilt.

I asked Grant about it. He shooed Maybelle away long enough to tell me the story.

"She's still doing that?" I asked.

"I can't get her to stop," he said. "She got so good at it, that I couldn't help it. I started telling people about it. She gives the best blow jobs in the fucking world. I've never seen a porno movie queen who can match her and she loves it. The bitch has me under control. I buy her anything she wants and take her anywhere she wants or she threatens to stop."

"But what about her church work and all of that?" I asked.

"We haven't been to church since you left town," he laughed. "Maybelle was only doing the church thing because she wanted to be needed and appreciated."

"And is she appreciated?" I asked. Maybelle came back into the room swinging her big ass from side to side and handed Gant a beer.

"Oh yeah," she said smiling. "He appreciated me so God damned much that you're going to be an uncle soon."

"So, what about the church?" I asked. "And the preacher?"

"Both the preacher and the deacons were run out of town. They had some pretty serious burns from the tar and feathering. The preacher's wife and the deacons' wives divorced them and took them for everything they had. He lost his ordination and can't preach anymore. Last I heard, he was living two towns over and returning soda bottles for a living."

"There are two churches in town now. One church is led by the old preacher's wife and the other that YOUR ex runs. Those bitches hate each other. They both claim that anyone who goes to the other's church is on the fast track to hell. They both also look like hell. And, of course, they both blame YOU for their misery. Mrs. Pendergast says that Kim is a whore, and if she hadn't been fucking the Reverend, none of this would have happened. Kim says that the Reverend was the devil in disguise, and if his wife had been paying attention, he couldn't have tricked her and she'd still have a happy marriage. Any time the two of them meet, a fight breaks out.

It's gotten so bad that hardly anyone goes to church anymore; unless you call NASCAR and football, church."

The end