Just Jump

"Look, just... just stay out of the way, for now, okay? It's my problem."

"It shouldn't be. It doesn't have to be."

"It is, and yes it does. It is what it is. I'll deal."

Taylor left then, turning quickly and flying out as the tears started to seep and then flood her eyes. She certainly didn't want Andy to see that. She wondered if she should even have told him. She'd thought about it for days now, ever since the first test was positive, and then three more after that.

As soon as she got around the corner, she stopped to lean back against the wall and compose herself. She waited. She kept waiting. Damn it, why hadn't he followed her? He just let her run off like that, feeling like a pathetic mess. She needed him to hold her, she needed anyone to hold her, and he just let her leave.

Fuck.

She heard Mom and Dad bickering in the next room. They kept it to a simmering boil, like they always did at first, as if no one knew that they fought and if they kept their voices down they might work it out and be able to be happy for fifteen consecutive minutes. On top of everything else, she couldn't listen to that. It made her want to burst into tears. She told herself that sort of reaction was just her hormones going crazy while growing a new person inside of her, but she knew that wasn't true. She had a more than few really good reasons to want to cry.

Taylor started to go to the attic, to be safely and completely alone, then stopped short. That was the last place she wanted to be, in that fucking attic, sitting in that old musty chair up there amidst the piles of old framed paintings and childhood toys and clothes, knowing that her older siblings were in the floors beneath her, laughing and enjoying the easy wonder of the Christmas holiday. Then again, maybe the attic was where she belonged. It was her proper prison of shame.

She headed to the front door to just go out before realizing she couldn't get her coat without being seen. She was trapped here with her misery and her fucking family. This was her prison and her punishment wrapped up into one, neat, Christmas package.

She was all alone, surrounded by her loved ones.

* * *

The family was downstairs gathered around the tree, waiting while Andy rummaged through his luggage in his room. He had a stupid little decision to make that he'd been putting off for a month now, and it was time to choose.

They'd just returned from midnight mass, where Mom and Dad sang at the top of their lungs while everyone else pretended to sing. From the smile on Mom's face Taylor clearly hadn't told her yet. He wondered when she would, or if he should try to be there.

It wasn't like he could say anything, but his presence would at least keep a lid on their mother's reaction. He really had no idea how she'd respond. Taylor had been the perfect daughter until now. She'd been so perfect, Andy was sure that she could commit murder and Mom would just say "That's okay, dear, you did what you had to do." It was like Taylor couldn't make a mistake.

But if there was one thing that was sure to change all that, this was it.

He looked at the two presents, one wrapped in luxurious, shiny blue and silver paper with a shiny silver ribbon and bow, and the other wrapped in an ordinary green and red, commercial, drugstore, Christmassy-patterned paper, with a 39-cent green stick-on bow. He'd always intended to give her the first, but he'd never been sure if he'd have the nerve to do it in front of everyone. It would have been funny, but his jokes never seemed to go over well with his family. He had thought in his heart, before, that Taylor would love it, and understand that it wasn't entirely a joke.

Now it was never going to fly, in front of his family or in private. Knowing what he now knew, he shoved the luxuriously wrapped box to the bottom of his suitcase and covered it with neatly folded shirts so that no one would even notice it and ask about it. He took the other, knowing now that it wasn't nearly enough. He'd been counting to much on finding the courage to give her the other one. He felt like a jerk.

He looked around his old room. Mom had cleaned out almost all of his stuff. She'd left just one of his soccer trophies there, the one from fourth grade, the only remnant of a zillion toys and posters and other things that he'd gathered in the course of growing up. But it seemed like the moment he'd left for college, Mom had cleaned this place out, as if she had to get it ready for a new boarder, and that was all that he had been.

Taylor's room was different. To this day it was untouched. He'd asked Mom about it once, and she'd dismissed it. She simply didn't have the time or energy to put her stuff away by the time Taylor had moved on, she'd said. Andy knew better. In her heart, she'd hoped that her perfect little girl would come back to stay.

That was going to change now, he was sure.

And yet this room, right now, this way, wasn't all that different from his own apartment. He barely had any pictures on the walls. He was never really settled in there, or anywhere. He was always ready to move on, to find the next adventure or the next phase in his life. He could never deal with the permanence of what Taylor had to deal with now.

How the hell had she, of all people, let this happen?

He shook his head, grabbed the inadequate present, and left the empty room.

* * *

Now

They pulled up in front of a medium sized, white, new colonial home. It had dark gray shutters, a small but well landscaped lawn with a few trees and shrubs, and a two car garage. The door was red, with a beautiful glass pane in the center.

Taylor was stunned.

"It's beautiful, Andy. It's perfect."

She had been expecting a dump, or at least something old that needed work. She knew she'd had no right, but until now had wished that Andy had let her help to pick out what they bought. It was his house, but she would help with the payments eventually, when she went back to work. She was going to be living there for quite a long while, it seemed. He was going to provide a home for his pregnant, unwed sister and then after the birth for her new child as well.

Certainly, a pregnant sister and her brother buying a house to share was weird. Explaining the situation to the neighbors was going to be hell. They'd probably all talk about what a great guy Andy was, and how irresponsible his sister was. In the end it was best this way, but Taylor was nervous. She was less nervous now, though, after seeing how beautiful it was.

"It's so big. Can we afford it?"

"I'm sure I can get you that job at the university. It will only be an assistant professorship at first, but I know they'll love you. And I've got tenure now. And houses are cheaper out here. That's another advantage of not having a stupid office job that requires living in range of a big city, and then commuting back and forth."

"Yeah, you should tell that to Brian. He makes more than you, but his expenses are huge. He works like a dog to afford his house. And cars. And vacations..."

"Hang on. Wait here."

Andy got out to walk around to her side of the car, to open the door for her and help her out. As he did she looked at the shiny new interior of the golden brown mid-sized sedan. This was so not an Andy car. It was practical for what they were going to need, but it wasn't him. She almost cried when she saw that he'd sold his beloved, black, sport coupe. He loved that car. And it had fit him. This wasn't an Andy car.

He arrived at her door and opened it. She really didn't need help, but she appreciated it from him, and she liked having the innocuous chance to touch him. He held her hand as she swung her legs out, arranged herself on the seat, then pushed and pulled herself up in a teetering, wobbling way. She finally steadied herself on her feet, partly by leaning on him.

She smiled at him, and he grinned back.

"Everything is an adventure. The fun never ends," she told him.

"Come on. I can't wait for you to see inside."

He guided her to the door, and into the house, where Taylor looked around in wonder. She couldn't believe this. If you'd told her last Christmas that she would wind up this happy, she would never have guessed. She rested her hands on her belly, feeling the baby kick.

"Yeah, Baby. Mommy likes it, too. Uncle Andy is being so good to us."

* * *

Way Back When

By the time Taylor graduated from high school, Andy had also just graduated from college. Each of them had matured without really changing their true nature. Each had started to experiment, just a bit, with being the opposite of who they thought they were, in Andy's case being told that he should now settle down and be responsible about starting a career, and in Taylor's case feeling like it was time to stop being a prissy little girl.

"He's cute. Really cute."

Andy glared back at her wide eyed, too eager expression. Marc was asleep upstairs in Brian's old room. He'd stayed up as late as he could talking with Andy about their plans after graduation, while Taylor just sat, shyly quiet, and listened to them both. But Marc couldn't stay up the way Andy and Taylor always did and had. Eventually, he faded and went to bed, leaving them alone.

"I don't need to hear that, Taylor."

"What? Older guys are hot and he's cute."

He was tall and dark and the girls always went crazy over him. It pissed Andy off sometimes. He got his own share of tail, but it always seemed like he got second choice when Marc was around.

He sipped his late night decaf special before he continued.

"He's my friend."

"Andy, I'm not a little girl any more."

"Oh, yeah, wow, you just finished high school. A real woman of the world, now."

Andy rolled his eyes when Taylor put on her little pout. She'd been doing that for too long. A incoming freshman in college should quickly outgrow that particular bit of posturing, he thought.

"You're just jealous," she said.

"Of what?"

Fuck. He was jealous, but how could she know that?

"Because you can't get a girl as hot as me."

"You're not hot, Taylor."

He looked away to hide the fact that he was lying. The fact was, it killed him how hot he thought she was, especially when she wasn't trying. Other guys didn't always agree, mostly because she tricked them away from it by purposely trying to look plain. She wasn't gorgeous to most guys. But to him, yes, she was hot.

"Sure I am."

"No, you're not. You're cute, but not hot. Marc won't go for you. He likes a girl with a lot more sex appeal. More pizzazz. Short skirts and fuck me pumps. Just leave him be. He's my guest. Our guest."

"I bet he will."

Andy grimaced. He'd talk to Marc in the morning and make sure he knew that his sister was way, way out of bounds. Marc probably assumed so already but Andy could tell he had already been checking her out. The Marc he knew as more than ready to ignore the fact that he shouldn't touch her. He knew how Marc's mind worked. He'd need a bit of a threat to keep him in line, especially if Taylor made it too tempting and too easy for him.

"Go ahead and try. This I have to see," he told her.

"Are you going with Dad to pick up the truck tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Leave him here with me. We'll see what happens."

"Taylor! He just got here. Give the guy a break."

"Leave us alone for a few hours, and we'll see. I dare you."

Taylor spun and went out of the room and up to bed. When the hell did little Tattle Taylor get that bold and confident?

* * *

Andy finally pulled back up to the house in the truck, anxious to find Marc without appearing to do so. He took his time after he got out, looking the truck over for no good reason. While he did, Taylor came out to meet him. That put him on edge. If she was coming out to gloat about banging Marc he'd kill them both.

"How'd it go?"

"I struck out."

Andy turned away to walk around to the other side of the truck, to hide his relief.

"Told you so."

"You probably told him you'd beat the shit out of him if he touched me."

"No, I decided you could fuck him if you want."

"Don't be so vulgar."

"Oh. Make love. You could 'make love' to him. Whatever."

"Don't be an ass. I just wanted to flirt. But I struck out. He pretty much told me to get lost."

Andy realized that she sounded hurt. He turned to look at her. She had an odd expression on her face. Suddenly he felt sorry for her and without even thinking he pulled her into a hug, even as he wondered why he was doing it.

* * *

As he hugged her, Taylor melted. She didn't want to hurt him, ever. She rested her head on his shoulder, enjoying the strong, enveloping warmth of his arms.

In moments she felt herself getting warm. Andy offered her something that was sorely lacking in her life, something she never even recognized she needed until and unless he was around.

At the same time, her body was going crazy these days, cycling between PMS and intense sexuality. Right now, while she was ovulating, she could feel herself getting horny if she looked at anything remotely phallic. She had no self control. Even hugging her brother now, her own brother, was making inspiring desires in her.

She couldn't stand it. She hugged Andy back tightly, embarrassed by the feel of her nipples hardening, while both hoping that he felt it, too, and yet being afraid that he might actually notice.

She never really wanted Marc, or to hurt Andy, but she couldn't have what she really wanted and had been thinking about way too much since he came home for the summer. She knew it was wrong, really wrong, and that he was so far out of reach for her anyway. The way she felt right now, with her body humming and seeming to develop a mind of its own, she told herself that she just wanted anyone. It was nothing special about Andy. She wasn't twisted that way. She just didn't seem to have any control at all over her own desires.

It would pass. She couldn't live her whole life this way, with thoughts and urges like hers. No one did. Did they?

* * *

Then

"Taylor! There's a guy wandering the halls, looking for your office."

She didn't look up as she tried to finish another exam booklet, just one small step in wading through the rest of the huge, annoying stack.

"Well, why didn't you tell him where it is?"

"He's got flowers, and candy!"

She looked up now, frozen in mid red-pen stroke.

"Oh, shit. No."

"He looks youngish, too. I figured I better check with you, first."

She leaned back in her chair, her grading chore at least temporarily forgotten. It was easily the worst part of teaching, and something she had to fight every time to make herself do.

"Oh, no. Not a grad student."

"Not that young. And he's really cute."

So not a student or a grad student, but young looking. Then who? She looked around her cramped office, with shelves stacked with books and barely enough room between them for her chair, her desk, and one chair on the opposite side. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run.

"I don't care if he's cute. Shit. Can't they even tell that I'm pregnant?"

"Maybe he likes it. It's a turn on for..."

"That's enough. Look, close my door."

"Shit. There he is, at the end of the hall."

"Well, close the door and go."

"Too late. He sees me."

Jennifer turned to look down the hall and beam a smile and a miniature, hesitant wave at whoever was approaching. Taylor would have liked to think the smile was fake, but it looked inviting to her. Jennifer obviously did think the guy was cute.

As his shadow fell across the hall outside, Taylor bowed her head down, looking for something on her desk that required her undivided attention. Maybe he'd get the hint by how focused she could remain on her work. Maybe she wouldn't even make eye contact with the guy.

"Hi, Sis."

Taylor snapped her head up. Jennifer looked back and forth between the two of them with eyes wide in surprise. Taylor was sure those eyes were mirrors of her own, as they widened at the image of Andy, right here, unexpectedly standing in the door to her office.

"Andy. Andy!"

She almost knocked her chair over trying to stand up.

"I thought I saw a resemblance. This is your brother?"

"Yes. Yes. Andy, this is Jennifer."

Jennifer gave him a predatory smile now, one that caused an unsettlingly protective anger in Taylor.

"Hi. Pleased to meet you."

Andy reached out to touch her hand in a polite male-female sort of hand shake, but quickly turned his eyes back to look at Taylor.

"Happy Valentines Day, Sis."

He held out a large bouquet of red roses along with the archetypal red, heart-shaped box of chocolates. Taylor beamed at him in a self conscious way, wishing that Jennifer would get lost. She silently took the flowers. She stared at Andy, and looked askance at Jennifer. Andy looked at her and only at her. Eventually, Jennifer got the hint.

"Well. I'll be going. I guess you two want to get caught up."

"It was nice meeting you."

"You, too, Andy. I hope to see you around."

Taylor was sure she did, and she'd make sure she wouldn't. She didn't need Andy's sort, and Andy didn't need a one night stand with her best friend in the university.

"By Jen. I'll see you tomorrow."

As Jennifer left, Taylor pulled the flowers up to her nose and inhaled deeply, with her eyes closed. They smelled wonderful, a touch of spring in the middle of a cold and very trying winter. She handed them back to him, but took the candy as she walked back to her desk. She put the box down there, then turned to face him while leaning back onto the desktop. It was getting harder and harder to stand for any length of time and she didn't even feel all that much bigger yet. She got out of breath quickly, too, even just standing, if she hadn't eaten recently enough.

She leaned on her desk and stared at her big brother. What the hell was he doing here?

* * *

It felt so good to see her again. He'd been feeling odd about doing this. All the way here, from the moment he'd bought the plane ticket to the flight to the cab ride here, he'd been interrogating himself about his motives and what he expected. This was silly, he thought. He was being silly. It all felt wrong, and awkward, and foolish.

But now that he was here, it felt good.

And looked her up and down. She was showing. She was dressed in that stolid, professorial fashion she'd adopted, but she glowed. He had never known what people meant when they said that about pregnant women. She stood there with a rather dour what-are-you-doing-here expression on her face, and yet she still glowed.

Andy looked at her hair again, appraising it anew. It had grown back a little, but it was still short. More than that, it was noticeably wavy now, almost curly. He liked it. He couldn't decide if he liked it better. He actually liked her hair long the best. It was how he knew her and pictured her and remembered her. She was Taylor, his little sister Taylor, that way.

But she did look damned sexy with it short. She looked like that innocent tomboy who is just discovering her own intense femininity and unbridled sexuality, and yet hadn't yet been kissed. Or she would look that way, if she weren't starting to show.

"When did you decide to curl it?"

She reacted defensively.

"I didn't. My body is doing this to me. It has a mind of its own, now. It just decided to start curling my hair. It's doing all sorts of crazy things it never did. Being pregnant is so weird. It's like aliens have taken over my body or something."

"And how's the little alien doing?"

In sharp contrast to that insensitive reference to the baby growing inside her, he let a huge, warm, honest smile creep over his face. Taylor looked at him defensively again, only to soften once she realized how he'd really meant it, not as a cold expression of detachment, but as a term of endearment.