King of Hearts

It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Maybe we'll just wake up in a motel after a night of partying and find out that the club has just left us. Or maybe we'll meet prince charming and he'll whisk us off to his villa in the south of France.

"Beth, what are you going to do when you can't ride anymore?" I asked her quietly.

"I'll always be able to," she says. "I've been doing this since I was eighteen and left high school. I'll do it until I drop dead. It's simple. There will always be bikers. Most of them will always be men and there are always going to be men who want to fuck a willing woman, even if she's fifty. Shit, some of them are even more turned on by the older mother types. And I have plenty of time before I'm fifty."

"But don't you want something else out of life?" I asked. "Don't you want to be more than just a..."

"Just a what?" she snaps suddenly. "Don't worry about what I want out of life, Christina. If you're thinking about doing something else, that's fine. Just go and fucking do it. I'm living the life I want to. Please remember that YOU had a chance to get out. You had an option. You could have had the life you're dreaming about with the man you dream about. I would have killed you to be in your shoes. So if you're regretting any of the decisions YOU made, you have only yourself to blame."

"Beth, just shut the fuck up," I screamed back at her. "You're the one who fucked it all up. I would have gone with him. I loved him. I'd have given all of this shit up for him in a heartbeat. Maybe I'd have dreamed about what I was leaving behind but I'd have gone. But I listened to your bullshit. I listened to all of that shit about how I was becoming a fucking house wife. I listened to all of that shit you spewed." I was pissed now and I let her have it.

"One last hurrah," you said. "One more ride. Remember that shit? You were the one who told me that one more road trip was what he needed to put the fire for the road back in his belly. You told me that it would change him back to the guy he used to be. But you were wrong, Beth. It just fucked everything up."

"Maybe I was wrong," she said. "But at least, I wasn't selfish and stupid, Bitch." Her chest was heaving and there was fire in her eyes. She was on the verge of tears.

"I wanted him to want to stay with us just as badly as you did, Christina. We all did. You forget, I was here long before either of you showed up. He was fucking magic, Christina. But he wasn't just that way for you. He turned us from two or three groups of independent riders that nobody gave a fuck about, to one of the most respected clubs in the area. Do you remember the rallies? Do you remember the parties? We used to spend all winter together. We didn't fight. We never had to. We even got along with the cops. We went from more than a hundred strong to maybe twenty, now. We barely exist, Christina. I suggested that last road trip because I wanted him to remember the fun and what being part of the lifestyle meant. What happened with you was awful, but you're a grown ass woman. You do have the ability to say no. What you don't seem to be able to do is live with the consequences of your actions. You, at least, had a fucking choice."

Beth slammed my door and went back to her own room. I could hear her crying for a while after she left.

Back in my room, I thought about what Beth had said. And as drunk as she was, I had to admit that she was mostly right. I did have a choice. I just hadn't seen it at the time. He had loved me like there was no tomorrow. I hadn't had to end up here sleeping my life away and dreaming about...whatever my life would be like right now. This time Beth is the one with the choice, because sometime soon I'm going to have to give this up.

I don't know when it happened or how, but the doctor I visited explained to me that the pain I was feeling lately had come from damage to the disks in my back. He thought that it might have come from repeated exposure to the vibrations from the bikes traveling up and down my spine, or perhaps from the position I sat in when I rode.

Lately, I was taking so many painkillers before and after a ride that I knew I'd have to stop and probably soon. I didn't mind giving the life up any more. In fact, what we were doing was no longer fun. Maybe it simply wasn't fun doing it without Ray. I couldn't believe it, but I sometimes now dreamed of having with Ray what my parents had. And once again, Beth's words came back because I'd had a choice.

I fell asleep wondering if I really ever did have a choice. In my dream, Ray and I were talking again. He was telling me exactly what Beth had told me.

"The choice is up to you Christi," he said smiling.

"It's no consolation, I feel like I've been victimized," I told him. "I'm locked in my cell and you hold the key. Did you come here to steal my emotions, just to rob me like a thief in the night? Like the game that you play, the winner takes it all every time."

Like magic, he disappeared with the night once morning came and my doorbell rang. Marcus smiled at me and handed me something. "Go put em on now," he said. "I got you this too." He handed me another box.

I looked in the bag he'd given me. It was from one of the shops in the area that sold biker wear. I pulled out a pair of leather chaps. What was unusual about the chaps was that they actually covered my ass too.

"Marcus, I don't wear chaps," I said.

"They're for your back, Christina," he said. "Feel this." He squeezed the butt part and handed them back to me. The leather was two layers thick and there was something squishy yet firm inside of it.

"It's a gel pack," he said. "It'll dampen the vibrations so your back doesn't hurt as bad." I opened the box that he'd given me and there was a small seat cushion in it.

"I just want to make sure that you're as comfortable on the ride as possible," he said. "We're riding down to the Carolina coastline. It'll be warmer down there."

"Why not Florida?" I asked.

"Do you remember Gary Franklin?" he asked. "They used to call him Bog Dog because he loved to ride his Harley through the mud? He moved down there last year. He can ride all year long. But more importantly, he got a job with a contracting company. You remember Gonzo, right? Gonzo is one of their managers. They're always hiring day laborers or workers. He's pretty sure he can get jobs for most of us for the winter or as long as we need. When the weather warms up, we'll head back up here."

We headed out and Marcus had really done a great job. The chaps and the seat cushion were great. My back didn't hurt at all. Marcus was a good friend. He insisted that I wear a helmet, even though the state law that mandated them had been repealed.

As we rode down the road at just above the speed limit, I was glad to have the helmet on. It shielded my face from the fierce late fall winds. I tucked my hands inside my sleeves and held onto Marcus as the miles ticked away.

Lost in my thoughts, my mind drifted back to happier times. I remember when there were disputes between members and King would settle them. Guys fought or argued over the same things all the time. Women and money were the things they argued over the most. King usually let the women decide, when a dispute was over them. He'd always take me aside and tell me that some of the women in the club were screwing more than one guy. It was fine with him as long as all of the parties involved knew what they were getting into. He wasn't opposed to swingers or their lifestyle; he just didn't want to participate in it.

"You're mine," he always said. "If some of these guys want to share their women, it's fine. I don't though, understand?"

"I don't either, understand?" I always said right back.

That last winter, things were hectic. We were living two completely separate lives. We had the life with our club as we always had. We were holding swap meets and all of that to get them through the winter in comfort. But we were also socializing with Ray's friends from work. After finishing his two year apprenticeship from plumbing, Ray was working for the company my father worked for. He was also thinking about taking the test to become a licensed plumbing contractor.

I loved being with the club and wondered why the fuck we were associating with the people he worked with. They weren't like us. Ray even made me wear dresses and heels when we went out with them. I hated it. I felt like I was stage acting. I didn't even have a copy of the script so I'd know what to say.

Ray even slipped some times. Once or twice he even called me his wife. I hated the term wife. He finally started calling me his fiancé. I was able to stomach that just barely. I didn't understand why he couldn't just tell the truth. Why couldn't I just be his "old lady," or his "squeeze?"

Ray had also, in his desire for family, started inviting my parents over. At one of those get-togethers, my mom had brought out the baby pictures and she and Ray sat on the couch looking at them.

"When do I get to be a grandma?" she asked Ray.

"We're working on it," he smiled. I had no idea that we were even thinking about kids. Sure we fucked at least a couple of times a day, sometimes more, but in my mind, it was all about pleasure and sharing ourselves. I wasn't even considering getting pregnant. Once again, I thought it was just something Ray had said to placate my parents. He knew good and God damned well that there was no room for kids in the club.

A few nights later, while he was fucking the shit out of me, he told me to throw my pills away. "If it happens, it happens," he said. I knew from talking to some of the girls in the club that a man will say anything while he's fucking you. They all say they love you. They all say that if you get knocked up, they'll take care of you.

After he gave me a huge orgasm that I felt all the way to my toes, I begged him to do me one more time before he went off to work and left me alone for the day. "Can you get it up one more time baby?" I begged.

"Maybe," he said. "Throw those pills away and let's see what happens." I knew that Ray was just playing. He knew that it would take a while for the pills to clear my system and I wasn't going to get pregnant any time soon. But to call his bluff, I got up and threw my pills out the window. Ray fucked me slowly and romantically after that. I tingled all day long. We started right up again as soon as he got home. I didn't even notice that we didn't go to the club.

That became the norm. Instead of going to the club every night when he came home, it became more and more sporadic.

That spring, Ray did something that shocked the shit out of me. Usually during the winter we'd borrow one of the company's trucks to drive around in while we couldn't ride our bike. So when spring came and Ray told me he had a surprise for me, I was expecting a new bike to go with our Harley. We'd been talking about getting a second bike for a long time.

He put one hand over my eyes and led me outside. When he took his hand away, I looked around and didn't see a new bike anywhere. "Is it behind the car?" I asked.

"Christi," he laughed. "It is the car. It's a Mustang GT. It's got four hundred horsepower. It may not have the acceleration of our bike, but this thing will do a hundred and forty easily. When I get done with it, it'll be faster than that. I have to teach you how to drive so you can get a license."

"I'm not driving that thing," I snapped. "Why the fuck, do we need a car? We're bikers, Ray. We don't drive cars."

He kind of collapsed on our lawn then. As I continued to stare at the car as if it was poison, I realized that he'd been hurt by what I'd said. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. I was sure that, as usual, he'd put a lot of thought into this and probably done it for more than one reason. But in my mind, it was spring and we needed to get the bike ready.

"My dad always wanted a Mustang," he said. That was the first time he'd ever mentioned his family to me, except for one drunken night when he'd told me about how his parents had passed and why it was important that I stayed connected to mine.

"Besides," he said. "We're going to be parents soon. And we're not going to be able to ride the bike with you pregnant. And I just don't see them making baby seats for Harleys."

The worse pain I'd ever felt gripped my body. Although it wasn't really physical pain, it hurt just as much. I'd realized that we had a problem. For all of that time, I'd truly believed that all of the talk about babies and getting married was tongue in cheek. I'd really thought that it was just something Ray talked about to please my parents. That day let me know that he was deadly serious. The man that I loved was trying to change me into some kind of Stepford wife. He wanted to rob me of my individuality and make me just like a million other stupid little women, who were basically just cows. They got up and made breakfast and fed their kids and made dinner. They did it over and over again until they died. Not me!

I had to come up with a way to tell him that what he was thinking about simply wasn't something I could do. I couldn't do it for him or any other man. Maybe he'd picked the wrong woman. But another part of me was saying that I loved him so much that I'd do anything for him. If he wanted me in June Cleaver dresses singing "Zippity do da," I was his girl. The two sides of my brain were at war.

Back in the present, I held onto Marcus tightly as we barreled down the highway. The long line of bikers changed positions often. I saw Beth several times and waved to her. I shook my head as I noticed that she had her hand between the legs of the guy she was riding behind. She smiled at me and waved her non-busy hand at me.

I saw a guy on a red Jap bike. He nodded at me as he moved past us. I nodded back to be polite because I had no idea who the fuck he was. His helmet and visor completely obscured his features. As he went past, I noticed that the girl riding behind him and giving me the finger was the same little bitch that I'd caught fucking in my bed. At least I knew who he was then.

When we stopped for lunch that day, Beth came over and sat at the table with Marcus and me. She looked at me shyly and then started talking. "Christina, I'm sorry about the other day," she said. "I should learn to just keep my big mouth shut. I was still high and sometimes...stuff just comes out of me that shouldn't."

"Beth, most of what you said was the truth," I said. "I guess in my case, it's a combination of things. Number one, I'm responsible for what happened. All of the choices I made were my own responsibility. But it's just that I miss him so badly, Beth. And it's a funny thing, but nowadays I find myself dreaming about all of the things that he wanted back then that I thought were stupid. I just don't understand it."

"Christi, there's no right or wrong, here," said Marcus. "Each and every single one of us is a different person. We're all at different stages of our lives with different priorities and different desires. We all learn and mature at different paces as well. If you listen to the oldies stations, there was a guy named Neil Sedaka who sang a song called, "Breaking up is hard to do." Well growing up is even harder. And from my perspective, you and King just grew up at different rates. I do know that he loved you something fierce, but at the end there, you and he just didn't want the same things anymore. And whether you're ready to hear this or not, you got the best end of the deal."

Marcus had been my friend for as long as I'd been with the club. He'd been my protector since Ray disappeared on me. But at that moment I was pissed at him. "What the hell do you know about it?" I asked. "I don't even know how you can say that. I still cry over that man every God damned night. I still reach for him every time I wake up and..."

"Yeah, but Christi, you caused it," he said calmly. "You broke his heart. You know that when it comes to love and sex and all of that shit, he just wasn't like the rest of us. Most of us hook up with someone and we know that when a large group of people is together for long periods of time there are going to be hook ups and what not. As long as it's done in a respectful way, no one really cares. If you look at Cherub and Tina, they've been together for a decade, but every once in a while, they both step out on each other. I guess it's just to try someone or something new. Neither one of them throws it in the other's face, so no one gets hurt by it. Tina and I have hooked up a couple of times and Cherub is my best friend." He seemed embarrassed by it and he looked at me carefully as he told me that.

"That's normal," I said. "It's only sex. Shit, sex is like eating. Everybody does it, but it's just better when you love the person. So who are you hooking up with now?"

"Well, there is someone I'm kind of interested in," he said. "But I haven't told her yet...Anyway, we're not here to discuss my sex life. King didn't see it that way, Christi. That's why he got that big assed building for the club to stay in, but he had a separate house for the two of you. He loved you. He wanted for the two of you to get married, quit the club and start a family together. He kind of grew up or at least grew out of the lifestyle, while you were still excited by it. The two of you just grew up at different rates. You were in different places in your lives." I nodded and he looked at his watch.

"If we get our asses back on the road we can be only fifty miles outside of South Carolina and at our last hotel by the time it's dark. How's your ba...?" I gently put my hand over his mouth. I didn't want anyone else at the table or close to it to know that I had back problems. They already called Beth and me the ancient ladies.

"It's fine," I said. "Soaking in the hot tub in our suite last night really helped."

"Suite...suite," said Beth in shock. Marcus got up then to hit the lavatory before we left. "I slept in a fucking sleeping bag on the ground and you were in a suite?" I grinned at her.

"Christina, you're supposed to be my best friend," she whined. "The least you could do is let me sleep on the floor next to the bed." She looked at me nervously.

"You probably didn't want me in the room while you guys were fucking, right?" she asked. I laughed.

"Beth, our suite has separate rooms," I said.

"Then I could have stayed in the other room until you guys got done," she said.

"We didn't get done," I said.

"You guys went all night?" she practically screamed. The look on her face told me that she'd be looking at Marcus differently.

"Beth, Marcus and I are not having sex," I said quietly. "He's just a friend."

"Are you stupid?" she asked. "You're riding on the back of his bike. He pays for the gas. He pays for the motels. He's feeding you. He bought you those padded pants and that seat cushion and you're not giving him any pussy? Why? Is it the color thing?"

Marcus came back then and I got up to leave. "Did you say you had a fucking hot tub?" she asked. Marcus shrugged his shoulders and she looked at him strangely. He looked at me. Beth slapped herself across the forehead then. "I'm such an idiot," she exclaimed. "I'll see you later. Let me know which hotel you're staying in this time huh?"

"What was all of that about?" asked Marcus.

"I think Beth is regretting her choice of back seats," I said.

As we drove down the road towards the next motel, I thought a lot about the things he'd said. He was probably right about people growing up at different rates. It made me think about all of the pain that King had gone through, losing his family. I realized after a while, that I'd become his family. Marcus had been right. Things I'd never considered began to make sense.