Legend of the Spidery Things Ch. 01

The Most Decorated Particle then in the middle of a flickering intermission in his instructive speech, happened to see the captain particle who'd suggested they employ an icicle howitzer if not a full-blown blizzard blaster, that the captain particle struggled to conceal great disheartenment, for it was not often this captain particle braved an offering in the form of a tactical opinion. But this Most Decorated Particle felt pity on his captain particle and wishing to keep the captain's spirits confident, said, "but your idea about diverting or dispersing some of our forces for the harassment of the humans we've already noted are openly vulnerable - I have to say your tactical opinion impresses me. We can do that - and yes perhaps we can sneak in an icicle howitzer team for them - it is only out of these years of experience that I say we shall leave the sitting duck be - for now. Keep an eye on it. We must remember we are not assigned to bury the humans - annoyance - annoyance - enormous annoyance - that should be enough."

The Most Decorated Particle then noticed the captain particle nod that everything was okay now but detected yet the pulsation of a sour attitude beneath the captain particle's nodding, agreeable, exterior, and put to work intuition powers able to seek and ascertain subtleties and so the Most Decorated Particle ascertained this captain particle's nod that he was okay lacked a conviction amiable to plausibility. The Most Decorated Particle then added, hoping to portray himself as a genial authority, "be not so glum. I love using the blizzard blasters as much as any amongst us. Oh yes when I passed through Particle Cadet Training and they showed us the blizzard blasters, I could never return to a life where I may not hear the sweet crack that meant the cock of a blizzard blaster nor feel my soul swell with overwhelming pleasure at the boom of the blast from the blizzard blaster - we always forgot we were merely doing exercises - and then to really apply the blizzard blaster on humans - to bury their carts and later their cars and their huts and later their houses. But we learned that the best way to enjoy the blizzard blaster is to know when to not use it. Now in our case, here in this city at this latitude, we do plan to pull out the blizzard blasters - but only when it is clear the blizzard blaster is to - we want them to know they are dealing with a real blizzard blaster."

"And the icicle howitzers? Do you really favor the blizzard blaster over icicle howitzers?"

"Oh the icicle howitzers. Favor the blizzard blaster over icicle howitzers? My dear and faithful captain, some evil ideas have invaded what I knew as a valiant variant of joy as a roving particle or a particle working with a fleet of roving particles. The icicle howitzers enjoy their special place amongst all the classic climate annoyance equipments and so they always will and I will include the self-propelled icicle launchers - all the things icicles can do - oh they can deal tremendous annoyance to so much of the world. They... they... Oh. Oh I see. I see there more to your story."

The captain particle averted his eyes and so they gazed almost glazed across the gray clouds where they'd staked their headquarters; actually they gazed through a small rubber-framed hole humans would call a window, and then turned to the flaps at the front of the tent like the only proper recourse was to flee through those flaps.

"I - I cannot say what it is - it will bring to me a mountain of shame."

"My captain particle. You know you must tell me."

"Very well. Very well, Most Decorated Particle. It was always my dream to man an icicle howitzer. I thought - I hoped - when that scandal sent many icicle howitzer crews into forced demotions, well yes, I hoped I might be chosen to replace them. Oh the blizzard blasters, I could settle for that training, becoming a blizzard blaster, but there is a difference in the crews. I feel in another speck of life I could be happier, much happier, as a blizzard blaster than what I am here in this - oh but to man an icicle howitzer. I fear it shall remain forever the one fantasy I shall most long for but shall never have fulfilled."

"Why did you never tell me this?"

"I knew all the particles always considered me as an office particle. Particle fit for the soft world of clerking. I know I've not the rugged build of many of those who command those big weapons - who get to point those frosty muzzles and call the order to fire - or not even those who command but just to be one who gets to get right down there in the ice.... plus I feared I'd become another toy for the counselors."

"Captain! You are the most valuable captain clerk who's ever clerked for me. I would never turn you over to the counselors for them to merely toy with you. I wish you'd spoken of this fantasy of yours. I can tell you in vivid detail what life is like for the icicle howitzer and the blizzard blaster crews. And I can tell you: you might regret the reality."

"Yes! I might regret the reality! May not any of us regret any reality!"

Ahem.

Well maybe that wasn't as crucial as it seemed at the time. The dialogue goes on quite a few pages but if you don't mind I think we can skip it and set aside this volume so impressively thick - well they go on like this like they intended to make an example of a gross tangent, or illustrate a kamikaze kind of nosedive into some sideline legends that haven't much to do with The Legend of the Titanium Spidery Things or they return to the theme but - well we'd be here until spring. Well for example there's a section that goes for nigh on three hundred pages on the Legend of the Blizzard Blasting Clerk that introduces a touch of the magical and the captain clerk particle gets put on the field with the blizzard blasters and .... well it gets a bit racy in places and I suggest we leave be this tome for now including this weighty chapter about the Arctic Circle Armada's exploits and how they ended up laying a dang tight stranglehold on that city.