Live from the Game Ch. 05

"And yet you went back?"

"Obviously. Jordan called a couple of times. He invented some reason I had to go back. He hated the couch I'd put in, said it wasn't comfortable. It was very transparent, but it's my job, so I went. I had steeled myself to resist him – I tried to get Crystal to come but he was working on some deal with some construction company. And I got there, and well, his way of proving the couch wasn't comfortable was to fuck me over it. I had almost no resistance. He was right too."

Deanna gave a small sad smile.

"I got rug burns on my thighs. I had to wear long skirts and slacks for days before they went away. How Ryan didn't see them I don't know."

"And that was the start of it?"

"I don't know. I guess. Something in me just...broke, that day. There was just no more resistance to Jordan and what we were doing. It was clear that it was going to continue, and on the drive home I decided that I was going to compartmentalize, like I saw Crystal do. I made up a bunch of rules for myself. Jordan would never get anything Ryan didn't get. Every time I fucked Jordan, I would fuck Ryan. I would never carry anything home – no sloppy seconds for Ryan. Or for Jordan, for that matter. I would never discuss my home life with Jordan at all. No comparisons. If he tried to put Ryan or my life at home down, I would be gone, right there and then. Jordan could never intrude at home. No phone calls – if he called while I was home, I would ignore it – everything we did was downtown or at his place. It would last as long as it did – I honestly didn't think it would go more than four or five weeks before the novelty would wear off, and then I could go back to what I was before, but with the memories to keep me warm.

"After the second time, before I left, Jordan and I went out for coffee at a Starbucks and he gave me some lowdown on his situation – he was married, in Chicago for a year, lonely, bored and I had just come along and the sparks flew. He looked me in the eye and told me it would never be more than it was – he was married and he loved his wife. While he loved being with me, I should never imagine he would be leaving his family for me, nor would he expect or want that of me. This was...'fun' but couldn't be more than that. He would relocate back to Philadelphia later in the year and that would be that. He kept stressing how he was no threat to my marriage. What we did was hormones and fun, but nothing more."

Deanna shrugged.

"It all sounded good to me. I didn't want to get lost in emotions I couldn't control. But I did like him, I have to say that. He was easy to get on with, easy on the eyes, funny. I didn't realize till later that what I liked about him was the fact that he was what Ryan used to be, when we first met. When I realized that... well, that's when things got confusing emotionally."

Jim interrupted mildly and said, "We'll get to that Deanna, let's continue the chronology."

"So, we met once or twice a week, when I was down town. He took me to a ball game at Wrigley Field. It was fun. About two weeks in, Crystal took me to lunch, sat me down and just asked point blank what I was doing with Jordan. I was taken aback. If she knew, I was being a lot more obvious than I had thought. We had wine and I just decided to tell her. If anyone was going to understand, it would be Crystal. She just sat there, rocked to her heels. She said something like 'I thought you were Mrs. Mom?' and I said something stupid like 'Not today!' Either way though, she knew. She gave me some tips on keeping it from Ryan, turning off my phone, always having a place I could be when I was at Jordan's. Honestly, the woman could write a book on how to cheat; she's got it all down.

"One thing I do remember though is she did look at me and ask 'Is Ryan really that bad you need this guy? I mean, I always thought Ryan was a bit of a dead fish, but I didn't think he was that bad? Is he that bad in the sack?' and I really had to go to town on her to say that no, he was great. My life was great. I just needed a new dimension. I liked Jordan. She made a bunch of comments about me having to understand that its just sex, not love and I remember just waving my hand at her.

"Anyway, I carried on. I discovered I could do the compartmentalizing thing well. I dunno. It was like I was two people. I was one person with Jordan and the mom and wife I'd always been at home. But it so much easier being that person at home though. Knowing I had this other dimension, this secret, that was just mine, it was like the void was filled. I could be everything I'd always been and be content with it. It's funny, but doing this really brought home to me the value of what I had at home. I mean, it's laughable now – what I was doing would destroy it, but at the time, I just kept thinking 'I wonder how long this will last? At last I have everything I need.' I didn't even contemplate what that statement really means – what it says about where my head was at and what I thought my needs were. I just remember thinking it. I remember thinking how great Ryan was, how much of a terrific father he was, the gentle sense of humor he had, how much he loved me. I remember thinking how I needed to do more to reciprocate that. I tried a few times – buying him a gift or something, but it never seemed to really come through. I remember thinking that when Jordan left, and it was over, I needed to figure out a way to take Ryan on vacation. Just the two of us, so he could reconnect with me the way I was trying to reconnect with him."

She took another sip.

"It was all just mind bogglingly stupid now I look back on it. But that's what I was thinking at the time."

"So, how did the risky sex start?"

"That was an accident. We were out at dinner one evening. Jordan had signed a big piece of the contractual obligation stuff he was working on, and I had a free evening. Crystal had covered us, so we went out for dinner. He took me to the 95th floor – the Signature room, at the top of the Hancock Tower, downtown. I was wearing one of Crystals off the shoulder dresses – it's hard to have a second set of clothes available when you are doing stuff like this, and plus, if any pictures showed up, I wouldn't be wearing anything that Ryan would recognize. Anyway, we were out and it was good, and we'd had a bottle and a half of Champaign. I was certainly feeling no pain, and I said I had to go to the bathroom. The waiter had mentioned the view, so I went and when I came out, Jordan was outside. He said something about wanting to see the view, me sneaking him in, I wasn't making good decisions at the time, so I said yes and we went in. He took one quick look out of the window and then kissed me and Oh My God, I felt it. Down to my shoes.

"I've never felt like that before. I was on fire, every nerve ending was alive. My pussy was dripping and I could feel it. We ended up in one of the stalls and he just fucked me. It's funny, because he didn't do anything different, but me? I was out of control. He literally had to push my panties into my mouth because I was moaning so much. Someone came in while we were doing it and we had to stop – he was hard and fully inside me and I almost came right there, knowing there was someone outside touching up their make up. Just standing still, feeling full of his cock, someone on the other side of the door. It was... well it was nothing I'd ever felt before.

"Anyway, we finished up, I came rather spectacularly, and with force, like never before, and then we went and sat back down. That was awkward. The waiter had thought we'd left without paying. He was very taken aback when he came back to the table and saw us sitting there. I think he knew what we'd been doing – why else would you both leave the table at the same time? And I was certainly feeling a bit flush. Anyway, we paid, we left and neither one of us spoke about it for a while.

"And that was the start of the high risk sex thing. I had no idea where that came from, or that I had that inside me. I would never have even tried it with Ryan, to be honest. I don't think it would have occurred to him to ask, either. I don't say that as a put down, just that my relationship with Jordan was different.

"The time I spent with Jordan was just us, you know? No kids. No minutiae. No friends, just the two of us – for obvious reasons. It was like the best time you could possibly have. There was sex, a hottie with a sense of humor, high-risk activities from time to time. I mean, given what I've already told you of my life, who wouldn't want that? It was my haven, at the time. That's the way I looked at it. I was still the same person at home – I was very careful to not become some harpie or shrew at home because my family was keeping me from my lover. I know it sounds strange, but I was grateful for the time I had with Jordan, and I didn't want to resent my family and home life for the rest of it, so I made damn sure I was what I was supposed to be there. Not just because it would have been a give away, but because I genuinely loved my home life, and the people in it. Jordan was...blowing off steam. What's even worse is I think the high-risk thing perpetuated the affair way past were it would have died naturally. Once I was aware of my own needs in that way, I wanted them satisfied, and Jordan was the conduit for that.

"Were there other examples of high risk situations?"

"Oh yes. We did it in an elevator once. A glass one, in fact, to make it even more risky. I had planned that one out – no panties, flouncy skirt that would come up easily, heels, so I was the right height for Jordan to take. We did it in the bathrooms at Wrigley Field. Jordan would have a hand in my jacket during the game, playing with my nipples. It would get me so hot. We did it in my car, in the parking lot of a pizzeria downtown. We even did it in another apartment I staged. And on the balcony of a hotel, on Michigan Avenue."

Deanna shrugged.

"I was out of control. I don't know what else to say."

"And at no point did you think to talk to your husband about your new found desires?"

"And say what? 'Hey Honey, I just discovered I get off being fucked in high-risk situations. Lets go hang out a funeral'? How could Ipossiblyhave brought that up to him without opening a Pandora's box? Ryan's not an idiot – far from it. He'd have seen through it the first time we did it and I get all hot and bothered. How would I have known it if I hadn't already done it? No, there was no way to bring it up. Plus, it just...wasn't my relationship with him. He was my husband, not the experimenter. I just didn't look at Ryan like that. Again, this is my fault, not his. From the conversations we've had, I think you are right, that the affair to date had already changed how I looked at Ryan under the skin, and Icouldn'tlook at him that way any more, because Jordan was filling that slot.

"Again, I remember realizing at this time that some of my own justifications – that the things I was doing with Jordan I could bring home and make my life at home more exciting, wasn't going to fly. But also remember thinking that at that point, I didn't care. I couldn't figure out what was going to happen once Jordan left and I had to return to normal life. I was terrified that I'd just be finding someone else to pick up the slack. I may have been morally bankrupt at the time, but I wasn't that far gone. I knew that if that happened, I wouldn't be able to continue being Ryan's wife. I couldn't have done that. So I just shut my eyes and determined to enjoy it as long as I could and as much as I could before Jordan was gone."

"We talked about this. About your predilection for creating high-level reasoning to justify your decision making, but it working backwards. Instead of taking all the facts, considering it and working to a decision, you appear to start at the decision you want to make and then work backwards, organizing the facts into the order you want to justify the position you've already decided to take," said Jim, mildly.

Deanna looked at him, debating something internally.

"You know it's true. And you know you do that in your daily life, too. You are just smart enough that you get away with it because your back tracking reasoning is so good. You can make anything reasonable the way you do it. And then, when the reasoning is proved wrong or falls apart, you bury your head in the sand, with your fingers in your ears going la la la. This is a classic example of that."

More silence for a moment and then Deanna said, "Well, I guess, yeah. I can see that. At least now. I don't know what to do about it though."

"Nothing you can do right now. Recognition of the behavior is always the first step – believing what you are capable of, no matter how it doesn't sit in your view of yourself. We can find strategies to deal with it later. Now, lets get back to it. What about the anal sex thing?"

"Well, I was chasing the high. Jordan and I had done everything else. I'd um.. swallowed – and I did for Ryan too, on occasion. There wasn't much else to try. I really wanted Ryan to be first. I did, I had it all prepared, and then he came home drunk and I was pissed. I had no idea it was a set up. I don't think he did either. And then, two days later...well. You know the rest."

"How did you feel about Ryan when he came home from Madison?"

"I was terrified. The whole jumbotron thing at Wrigley Field was a huge turn on for us, or me, anyway – Jordan was more than a little concerned about it. It was like the ultimate in high-risk activity. But I wasn't stupid – I knew how dangerous it was. I talked to Crystal about it and laughed it off with her – but you know how these things can spiral out of control. I didn't honestly believe that Ryan would have seen it – he and his friends are just not into sports at all in that way, and we didn't realize it was on national TV. Honestly though, looking back, it was just part of the denial I had over the whole thing in terms of it affecting my home life. I didn't think he'd seen it because I desperately had to believe he hadn't. And then he came home from Wisconsin and I was frantically watching for him to hate me, or react, and all he was was sick. I mean, how stupid am I? I was desperately looking for a very specific reaction and desperately trying to hide that I was watching, and in doing so I completely missed another reaction he was having and the reasoning for it. I was so looking for him being hurt that I entirely missed the fact that one thing after another happened to keep me away from him. I was just mad that I wasn't getting enough time with him to truly figure out what was on his mind.

"When we talked – that one time, three weeks after he threw me out, I mentioned it and Ryan threw my lying to him back in my face. I guess I did deserve it. No, I really did. I just... well the arrogance of a cheater I suppose. I couldn't imagine he could do to me what I was doing to him."

"What happened when it all came apart?"

Deanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and smoothed down her long dress. Eventually she looked up again and carried on. Jim could see one tear on her cheek.

"Well, we all know what happened. Ryan had someone how gotten his socially mal-adjusted friend, Solomon, to hack into the jumbotron and put up that message about us. We were at the game, at Wrigley Field. Ryan had called and asked me to come home – at the time, obviously I didn't realize it was a last chance thing. I just thought he was exerting some kind of dominance thing. I was pissed off, I had been having a nice time with Jordan and there was the promise of some illicit event afterwards. We were talking about going to Lincoln Park and finding some trees to fuck behind.

"When the jumbotron showed us again, we just laughed. Then, when it showed Ryan's picture, Jordan went ballistic. He recognized Ryan and when his wifes picture went up, he went off the reservation. He just ranted a bit at the screen, and when the 'They Are Cheaters' thing went up, he just got up and bolted. I sat there, crying. Right then I knew what had happened. I knew what was going to happen. I knew Ryan knew. I could see what was going to happen from then till, well, now, like a blueprint. And I was right too. I sat and cried for a bit, I called Ryan, and it went straight to voice mail. I called home to talk to my sister Melissa, to see if he was there, and he wasn't. I wasn't entirely coherent then. I went out to my car, and there she was. Some young girl, chewing gum, standing by my car. I knew who she was. She asked me if I was Deanna Tomlinson – she even had a picture of me – and when I said I was, she handed me the envelope and said 'You've been served.'

"I sat in the car for about thirty minutes, going through the documents. Petition for divorce, a restraining order. I didn't really understand the jargon, but I understood the intent. I mean, I was so messed up the first thing I did was drive home to try and talk to Ryan. I had a restraining order, in my hand, and the very first thing I did was break it to try and get to Ryan. The thing is, I had no idea what I was going to say to him. I mean, there was no amount of 'It isn't what it looked like' or 'It's just not true' he was going to accept. I have no idea what I was going to say, I just knew I had to be home. If I was home, with the kids and Ryan, I was safe. So I drove home.

"When I got there, I couldn't get in. My keys didn't work, the garage door opener wasn't working – I knew Melissa was there, since her car was outside. I ran around to the windows, trying to see in side, and I banged on them, trying to get Ryan to talk to me. He had to be there.

"Eventually Melissa came outside. She wasn't happy. She knew what I'd done and she was pissed. She basically told me that I would have to leave – Ryan had a restraining order and if he chose, I'd spend the night in jail. I just pushed her away, and I went round the back of the house, trying to see Ryan. I was sure he was there. But he just...didn't see me. Or chose not to. Melissa came round and just grabbed me and hissed at me that the kids where home, and I wouldn't want them to see me like this. We went round to the Garage, and she went inside and opened the door. I was in instantly, but the door to the house was locked. Most of my clothes and things I would need where in garbage bags in the garage. Melissa loaded them into her car and in the end she basically frog marched me to her car and locked me in.

"Then we drove to her place, where she gave me a sedative and I slept for three days. I was fired right after that, by Crystal. I dare say I can't blame her, although it was a bitter pill to swallow from someone who had been cheating successfully for years. She'd suddenly taken the high road – I had figured if there was one person that would understand my situation, it would be her, but no. I got a lecture on trust, on exclusivity and on communication, and told to remove my stuff from the apartments it was in. I didn't dare go anywhere near Jordan's apartment. I learned later that Crystal had been there and grabbed what she knew was mine.

"I still tried to get hold of Ryan, restraining order be damned. I didn't do anything like physically show up, but I sent him emails, texts, phone calls, everything I could do without physically being there. It's funny, but again, I didn't have a clue what I was going to say. I just needed to hear him. I needed to talk to him, to get an understanding of where his head was at. I mean, I would obviously apologize, but I was more interested in understanding what was going to happen to my life – if there was any chance it would stay the same, if there was any chance of reconciliation. I was still shell-shocked and not thinking.

"I did get to see Ryan, one more time, three weeks later, when he agreed to meet with me. I tried to say things that would matter. To explain that nothing was his fault. He looked shit. He just did. Beat down, depressed, you name it. And it was all my fault. He was bitter and sarcastic and I could see that what he'd done to me weighed on him just as much as what I'd done to him. But I deserved it, and he did not. I just cried and cried for an hour after that meeting, sitting in the parking lot of the Red Robin. I had a good idea of where his mind might be when I got there, but to hear it confirmed, it was just more than I could bear. It still is."