Mission Impossible

She's made a steak and kidney pudding, my favourite. Strange, she only usually does that when she is cooking for four people, although she has been known to cook it when it is just us three. I start telling her about my afternoon, as soon as I say about the shower I realise I have to excuse why I showered and quickly make up a story about spilling a bottle of plant food over myself and complain about Colin putting it on a high shelf and not putting the cap on properly.

"Call your dad in," Mum says, interrupting my tale of woe. I open the back door and shout, "Daa-aad"

I hear him take his boots off and he comes in carrying them. He puts them in the cupboard and then goes to the toilet to wash his hands, when he returns he looks at me and says, it wasn't permanent then?" it takes me a few moments before I understand he is talking about the dye.

"You knew?" ask

Dad nods as he sits, it is not long after when Mum puts a plate down in front of him and passes another to me before putting one in her spot and sitting.

"We know he's playing a game with you for April fools, he told us a little, where are you up to?"

"The clue said I should come here."

"What makes you think you should be here?"

"The clue said to come to the first place we told each other we loved each other, you know, that's why you always call him upid stunt."

"Fair enough, so what do you expect from us?"

"I don't know, a message, a letter, something like that."

"Well... perhaps your mum might find something after tea."

"Mmm mmm," I acknowledge him with my mouth full, I hadn't had one of mums snake and pygmy puddings for ages, I had forgotten how good they are. Hers are always light and fluffy, mine have always ended up stodgy.

No one spoke for a while, I devoured everything on my plate, when I had swallowed my last mouthful, I said, "thanks mum, that was lush."

"Good enough that you'll wash up?"

"God mum, I'm a guest."

"Unless we we having afters, Colin would be stood at the sink filling the bowl without being asked if he was here."

"Yes, okay fine," I snap as I push my chair back, "I'm sorry I can't be as fu... chuffing perfect as my husband."

I get a couple of non committal grunts as their replies as I stand to follow mums request.

When I have finished I turn around from the sink to see that I am alone in the kitchen, I hadn't even noticed there hadn't been any noise, any conversation as I washed the dishes. I think that was the first time I thought there may be something off, something not quite right with my parents. Normally the house was full of conversations and laughter, my parents life together was always full of bickering banter and laughter. I shrug my shoulders as I assumed my parents had had a rare argument and me being here had interrupted their time to make up. That was probably why my mother made the snake and pygmy pudding.

"Shall I make some tea?" I call out. I got no reply, "Who wants a cuppa?" I shout louder, again I got no answer.

I walked into the living room calling, "Mum, Dad, where are you?" seeing they're not in the living room, I called upstairs and again I heard nothing but silence.

"That's weird," I said to myself.

I go back into the dining room and there on the table is an envelope, on it is my name and one sentence.

[do not open until tuesday morning]

I smile as I pick it up recognising Colin's scrawl and the fact that he never manages to start a weekday or a month with a capital letter or use punctuation.

Of course I don't follow the instructions and rip open the envelope, expecting another little rhyme. I read it, not a rhyme, just one sentence.

[if your reading this note your early come back tomorrow for your clue]

Shit I wish he could get it into his thick head it's you're not your. Bollocks, my parents might be in on his joke, but I'll make them give me the proper one. I run upstairs and look in every room to find they are not there, back downstairs I go out to Dad's shed, inside I see it sitting on the bench and I rip it open.

[If your reading this one it means you've been searching for your mum and dad and you found this and not them. Like I said COME BACK TOMORROW FOR YOUR NEXT CLUE]

I couldn't help but grin as it showed me how well he knows me.

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Wearing the overcoat and wig, latex gloves and of course the obligatory mask, I walk up to his door and ring the bell.

He seems annoyed at being disturbed, but as soon as the door is open I push him backward and hit him with the taser He dropped, twitching like an epileptic given a chilli enema, now there's an idea.

When he comes round, I have him wrapped up like a mummy, even his head, although I have cut a hole for him to breathe and a small slit to allow me to hit him with the taser again, I asked him to tell me about any camera's and he said he has none. I shock him a couple more times to emphasise his predicament and make sure he isn't lying.

The third time he regains consciousness, he begs me stop and again tells me there are no camera's, I finally believe him and then I get to the point, "Well Dick, you've been sticking your namesake where it don't belong and somebody don't like that and he wants you to stop, gottit."

"Yes," he gasps, his voice is hardly a whisper.

God, one word and you can tell he was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth. If I didn't already hate him, that would be enough.

"Tell me about it, all of it, where did you meet her."

"I knew her from years ago, she used to go horse riding at my Aunts riding school, and we bumped into each other at the railway station one day, there was a delay for some reason or other, I can't remember exactly what. We talked and it made for an enjoyable wait and I asked her out to dinner, she refused, but I pressed her to meet me for lunch another day, she was a little hesitant, but I managed to get her to agree to meet for a coffee, I took her to les moustaches des chats.

"That's that posh place a couple of miles down Emmingford road, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Go on," I say."

"Well, she was impressed and I managed to get her to agree to have dinner, I believe, you..."

"I'm not her husband." I interject firmly.

"Oh, you're being paid to..."

"None of your fucking business. Now you had dinner when he was away?"

As I spoke I knew I had in the last year, only spent three nights away from home, last June I had gone with Pooch to Italy to look at an extruder. BTK in Germany had suggested we buy, funny really, seeing that is a similar reason I gave to Elaine for me being away from home this week.

"He continued, "We had an enjoyable evening and as you mentioned les moustaches des chats." is just down the road, so I brought her here for a nightcap. It looked like nothing was going to happen, but..."

I'm sure the bastard was smiling underneath the layers of plastic and thought about hitting him with the taser again but I didn't want to dissuade him from telling me all the details.

"Well... we got out to the car and uhh, I sort of demanded a goodnight kiss, and she was more than a little bit squiffy and the kiss was... it was umm passionate, umm, far more passionate than I had at that point expected and we... well without a word between us we came back inside and , well you know how these things go."

I'm sure he is grinning so I hit him with another shock. When he recovers, I say, "Not feeling so smug now are you?"

"N, no, please stop doing that," he plead.

"Is she planning to leave ... her husband?" I just manage to catch myself, I almost say me.

"Not at first... I want her to, right from the start but she always refused, but I think she is coming round, I am uhh, have been hoping she will leave him soon."

That was something I hadn't wanted to hear, people may think I am stupid to want to keep her, but I do.

"How do you keep in contact? M... her husband hasn't found anything."

"We don't, that was her idea after we made love for arrggh!"

When he gained his senses again I tell him, "You will refer to your contempt of her marriage and her husband as fucking, I don't want to hear the term made love from your deceitful mouth again alright!"

"Yes, yes, please stop doing that."

"Okay, so after that first fucking?"

"We agreed to not have each others numbers, she didn't want to leave any clues for her husband to find."

"Is that why you always pick her up?"

"Yes... but... she seems to get a kick out of him dropping her off when she goes out for the day."

I imagine him smirking under the wrap so I hit him with the taser again.

"What about a key, has she got one?"

"N,N,No, for the same reason, please, please I'm begging you, don't tase me again, I'll never see her again... please"

As much as I want to, I manage to restrain myself from shocking him again. To reduce temptation, I go exploring, would you believe he has a wine cellar and there's a hell of a lot of bottles down there. Otherwise, the house is fairly devoid of, well pretty much everything. By that, I mean no ornaments or paintings, anything that would give the house some personality if you know what I mean. Yes he has lots of things, a telly in every room, with individual surround sound and such, but it is all hidden away, it was only because I was being nosey opening cupboards and that, that I found the things I did find. I did count myself lucky when I found his computer, it was turned off so if it had a camera it didn't matter, but I went back and tased him again for not mentioning it. He assures me there is no camera, being a desktop he was probably telling the truth. It does however spring a thought into my mind.

"Okay Dick, are there any pictures on there that her husband wouldn't want you to have?"

"No!"

His reply was so emphatic I really did not believe him, "Right Dick, I will go and see and if I find anything like that then I will tase your bollocks, one for each picture or video I find, or you can tell me now where you keep them."

I wouldn't have thought that with me being only able to see little more than his eyes clearly that I would see the terror that appears in them, immediately he starts talking, locations of files, on his PC and online and all the passcodes to find them. I copy the files onto a USB stick and delete them. I also gained access to his accounts and donated most of it to the NHS, that's going to hurt almost as much as his bollocks in a little while.

When I have finished explaining to him it is not a good idea to not only mess around with another man's wife, especially if you are going to record your atrocious lack of respect he starts complaining that he is getting sore. I hadn't realised, and he hadn't said, but at least once when I tased him, he had pissed himself. Oh what a shame.

I cut his legs free and threaten that he really wouldn't like it if he tried anything, he obviously believes me or has no fight left and behaves himself. I make him use the toilet in the bathroom upstairs. I drop his trousers for him and make him sit on the toilet. Then I fix him in place with more shrink wrap.

I'm getting hungry, so I raid his fridge, finding a nice size sirloin steak I stick it under the grill and hidden away I find a nice loaf of fresh uncut bread in a bread bin that, like every thing else, tucked away so you wouldn't know was there, an onion and butter. That'll do me. As I'm buttering my bread I remember something from a documentary I once saw about sailors in the sixteenth or seventeenth centuries. A punishment, only allowing the person being punished bread to eat and water to drink. I, like most people thought that it was just a punishment because it is boring food, but that documentary taught me that as well as being boring there was another factor, it also bound you up big time, as in severe constipation, the result being the person feels so bloated and uncomfortable, that every movement is a strain. Not something anyone would want having to haul sails up and down, or whatever they were required to do.

I cook the steak and onions, making some nice mouthwatering smells and eat it as a sandwich in front of him, I did however, cut a two inch doorstep and feed it to him along with a mug of water.

Knowing she will expect a call at eight, I do not call, I wonder how long it will be before she calls me? Just after nine, I get my answer, which is more than she does. Ten minutes later I see she is travelling in her car before her phone goes dark. I run round the house and turn off all the lights, five minutes later I see headlights heading this way. I warn him if he makes a sound, he will regret it.

She knocks, then bangs, then hammers on the door. I stay silent and eventually she leaves. Half an hour or so later, I get him to tell me his PIN for his credit card then I drive his Jag to a long stay car park and finding I have missed the last train, I get a taxi back to his, Jesus, glad I wasn't paying for it, one thing about Covid though, you gotta love these masks if you don't want to be recognised.

I change the sheets on his bed and sleep there. Him, I leave on the toilet, I do give him a drink of water.

I get up early give him another drink and a doorstep of bread before cycling to work. I am there by half six.

I expect Elaine to be at her Mum and Dad's fairly early, not that it matters, she won't be able to get the next clue until after the Nags opens and that will tell her she has to wait until tomorrow evening for the next one.

I am just about to leave work, when I realise my plan has a major flaw, if she should see me travelling to or from his house she would recognise me and the bike, of course my disguise helps with part of it, but the bike, I am sure she would recognise that so I disguise it, by covering the frame with some black tape.

Tonight I have some venison sausages,that I found in his freezer and do some mash and peas, with some red wine gravy out of a box. It was alright, but I would have preferred a decent pork sausage and a normal gravy. I give my housemate more bread and water, I getting the impression he is not a happy bunny. I think the same could be said for my wife when again, she finds no sign of anyone at home.

Wednesday, about the same, she is due to get the flowers at seven, I wonder if she will try to call. Using his phone I call for a pizza, on his card of course. I had half and generously, I give him half, I don't even scrape the topping off. I let him have two glasses of water too. Ungrateful bastard didn't even say thank you.

Thursday, I get us Indian takeaways, I get a medium madras, rice and two keema naans, I also give him alcohol, would you believe it, he has a thing for white rum and coke, or maybe he was just glad of something else to drink other than water.

I had noticed in the wine cellar he had several bottles of champagne I decide to take one , maybe two with me tomorrow when I say goodbye.

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"Bastard," I say with a smile, he knows me too well. Locking up the shed and after checking the garage, I lock my parents house and go home to wait for him to call at eight, as he has done on the rare occasion he is away.

Eight comes and goes and both the house phone and my mobile remain silent. I can't understand it, he has always called me at eight religiously without fail. I begin to get angry, but then I think that it is part of his game, so I settle back thinking he will call later, maybe half past or even as late as nine.

I hear nothing at nine, so I call him, his mobile goes straight to voice mail, so I leave a message.

"Colin, pack this stupid game up. Yes it was nice being reminded of that day when we confessed our love, but did you have to do that with the shower? You have no idea how pissed off I was about that, but I admit when you sent me over to my mum and dads I was okay with your joke, but come on ignoring me, that isn't okay so you had better call me back, you have ten minutes." I end the call and wait.

Twenty minutes go by and he still doesn't call and so I call again, again it goes straight to voicemail, "right, you want to play stupid games, well bollocks to you mister. My dad calls you Cupid stunt and we all know what that actually is so you stupid cunt, you can wait until Friday when you get home before I will speak to you again." Angrily I press the red button and like a fool I expect him to call back.

He doesn't and so I think, fuck him, I'll go over to Dick and enjoy his dick.

Fuck it, it just isn't my night, he isn't in, now I'm angry with him as well. "Fuck! It, fucking fuck fuck fuck," I scream hitting my steering wheel, now I'm angry with Dick as well.

I drive home, I suppose I shouldn't be this angry, especially with Dick, I mean I have no claim on him, but fucking Colin and his stupid games are what has made me angry, well fuck him, once I get hold of Dick I'll go and stay with him for the rest of the week. Not tonight, not now, sex is suddenly the last thing on my mind.

I get in and I mix myself a really strong vodka and orange and drink it straight down. I pour myself a second and I stare at the phone, willing it to ring. Of course it doesn't and I swallow the second glass and pour myself another, I drink that as I scroll through Petflix to try and take my mind off my stupid decisions.

I wake up, later to the end credits of the original version of Dune, my mouth tastes like a cat shit in it, I see a half empty glass with an orange liquid so I reach out and drain it. Fuck, warm, very strong vodka and orange, not what I wanted to swallow at nearly three in the morning.

Somewhat unsteadily I stumble up the stairs to bed.

The alarm goes off at it's normal time and my head is pounding, my stomach feels really squiffy and as soon as I stand the room lurches and I run to the toilet heaving.

Surprisingly, once I finish emptying my stomach I feel a bit better, a little more after cleaning my teeth, and a shower cursing when I find out that Colin has taken the mouthwash with him.

It is a cup of tea and a slice of toast later that I remember why I feel like shit and I jump in my car to go over to my parents again and would you believe it, halfway there I get pulled over and breathalysed. I'm lucky I suppose, scoring 33, a fail is thirty five. The copper sends me on my way after giving me a bollocking about driving the morning after drinking heavily, would you believe it, he follows me all the way to um and dads. I suppose thinking about it, I am now glad I had no mouthwash as that would have probably put me over the limit.

They are not surprised to see me this early because they know why I'm here, Mum invites me in for a cuppa. I sit at the table and mum puts three mugs of tea on the table, dad comes in and hands me an envelope and I rip it open.

Did you enjoy your shower

I bet your face was dour.

Haha, I bet that's true

now here is another clue.

After watching a certain band

In a pub I asked for your hand.

There is one pub nearby

with the night's joke to try.

I knew it, this clue had to be about us getting engaged, well this ones easy, we had been to see Blondie at the Corn Exchange and afterwards we went into a pub called the Bath House. Mum is reading it over my shoulder and says, "I don't know any pubs around here called the Bath House."

"No mum, it's the clue, I know it's the Nags."

"Huh?" from both mum and dad.

"Y'know the landlord, Gerry," they both nod as I explain, "Well it was only two or three weeks after his wife ran off."

"Yes."

"That's where the joke comes in."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he let himself go a bit, y'know."

Mum frowns and dad shrugs.

"He didn't wash, he smelled bad, he needed a bath, get it now. We were soon calling the Nags the No Bath House or the Unbath House.

"That wasn't very nice Elaine," this time I am the one to shrug, "Maybe, but one night we think Gerry either heard us or it got back to him and all of a sudden, he's washing again, well, as often as he ever did. Nobody ever said, he might have just got over it, or had a word with himself. We then joked at how the pub and Gerry was out of odour." Dad laughs but Mum scowls.