My Learned Friend

"Oh." She said sadly. "I thought that bigger was better."

"I don't think so. If it fits, it's big enough." We got into bed and started exploring. I was always told that the man did the exploring whilst the woman lay passively. Chrissie seemed to have missed that lesson. She was as eager as I to examine all the parts of the other's body and see what made things work. We found out quite quickly. Chrissie seemed as excited as I. I ventured my hand between her legs and found a beautiful warm wet playground just as she was manipulating my sturdy erection wondering why it wouldn't bend as easily in this state as it did when flaccid. Thankfully her attempts did not injure the member irretrievably.

Despite her worries it did go in, not without some pain for which I felt guilty. She re-assured me. "The pain is out of our control, Clem. It will only happen once." Having recovered from the discomfort of the first time, Chrissie seemed very happy with our union. I thought it was the man who was supposedly demanding. Towards the end of our weeks honeymoon, she was laying in my arms our breathing gradually getting back to normal when she questioned me. "Clem. Am I unusual?"

"Unusual? In what way?"

"From what mum and my aunts have said. I am supposed to enjoy making love only rarely. Most times, they say it is women giving in to their husbands because they need sex more frequently. I don't feel that way at all. Just thinking about going to bed with you every night makes me excited and when we make love I normally climax at least once."

"You climax more than once?"

"Yes."

"How do you know? I don't feel as if you are climaxing."

"Mum said I should be quiet about it. She said ladies should not be loud at that time. I do know I climax because I have played with myself often. Especially after those times when we became quite amorous on the settee, I had to do something to relieve the itch. So yes I do have more than one climax."

We were quiet, me digesting that information and then telling Chrissie that she shouldn't try to keep quiet. "I won't know if I am doing it right if you are quiet, and it would thrill me to hear you screaming with pleasure."

"Clem, let me assure you. You are doing it right, very, very right, so stand by for some screaming" Chrissie fidgeted a little because she was trying to find a way to ask another question. "When we have been very amorous before. Did you feel as if you needed to relieve an itch."

I sighed. "Yes my darling I would see you in my mind and I would bring myself off."

She looked up at me with a most beaming smile. "That thought has made me all wiggly inside, and wet again. Perhaps we can do that together and watch."

"Will you be naked?"

"Of course, my darling Clem, and so will you. I like looking at you and I like you seeing me. Now will you do something for your wife.

"What did you have in mind?"

Her hand crept down and found me. "Using this for happy time."

I had never been sure before if Chrissie did climax. Now I knew, as released from restraint she cried out her orgasm combined with quivers that hitherto I had felt but thought they were signs of discomfort. We returned home happy and replete with love.

CHAPTER FOUR

Looking back on my life, I now know that I was embarking in the happiest time of my life. My career had been established and my workload increased and of course with that my income. I would be in court three days out of five. Harry would keep me busy with his 'two a day' supply of briefs, and it would appear that both Melvin and Andrew favoured me to support them as junior often. I was on the ladder.

Chrissie had worked for some years as a Doctor's receptionist. In those days, before maternity leave was a statuary benefit, married women would work until their pregnancy was final and then give up work to be a full-time mother. I knew that she wanted above anything to give me a child, so after some few months of marriage we had a talk. I told her that I thought I was in a position to support her and a child. The smile on her face could have lightened the darkest night. She went up to the bathroom and came down holding the blister packet of birth control pills. "Can I throw these away now Clem?"

"Well if you want to become fat and heavy, I suppose you could."

Chrissie shook her head vehemently. "No my darling. I shall not be fat and heavy; I shall be gravid, full of baby, your baby and mine." She started to undress ignoring the full daylight outside and that our curtains were not closed. "I am so happy, can we practice right now?"

"Yes. Upstairs. I am not going to put on a show for any passerby to see."

If Chrissie was eager to make love whenever the opportunity presented itself prior to that conversation, afterward she could if possible demand more. We practiced frequently. The goal was to get Chrissie pregnant yet it was never a chore, the more we made love the closer we became. Chrissie when she was home disdained underwear. "Why bother?" She asked. "You will only take them off me, I'm happy to say."

As the months rolled by and Chrissie did not become pregnant, a certain concern entered our lives. After eighteen months, that concern became worry. It seemed for many people it was easy to get pregnant, especially when they didn't want the girl to get in the family way, as it was often called at that time. Things came to a head on our third anniversary and we sat down and yet again had that conversation. Chrissie was of the opinion that it would happen one day. I felt that action was required and offered to get a test done to see if my sperm was deficient in any way. Chrissie at first was dubious, her feeling was that time would solve our problem. I doubted that and eventually I argued her around to the idea. Having agreed she needed re-assurance. "Would you mind, Clem? It seems as if I doubt your manhood."

"Well, Chrissie if I don't have a problem, then we have to look at you and the same thought could apply. It's not about fault, Chrissie. We want a child. Whatever is holding us back may be something simple, easily cured. We find out, fix it and make it work."

"Yes. You're right." She agreed. "I'll make an appointment with Doctor Purvess at the same time and get checked."

Now I regret our decision because the result blighted our lives onward. If we hadn't known perhaps we could have lived in hope. With hope gone, we had to re-assess our lives. With hope gone, I had to coax Chrissie out of the melancholy into which she had sunk. After many medical tests the disastrous news that Chrissie would be unlikely to ever conceive and even if she could it was unlikely that she would carry the child to full term. She took this personally as if she was guilty; she changed from the vital, bubbly happy woman to a quiet, monosyllabic gloomy presence. I know she missed many days at work because if I were not there to remind her she would stay in bed for most of the day. I found out when Dr. Purvess phoned to see if she was well. He gave her appointments to discuss her problem only for Chrissie to cancel at the last moment. She would tell me when I got home that she had fulfilled the appointment. This scenario went on for months. It took another call from Purvess for me to find the truth. I made an appointment for Chrissie and told her I would go with her. "No, Clem. You are so busy; you shouldn't take time off just for me. I'll be alright and will go to the appointment."

"Yes, Chrissie." I replied. "And when I ask you how the appointment had gone you will tell me something inconclusive and misleading. No Chrissie we will go together, Dr. Purvess asked me specifically to be there as he needs to talk to me as well." Chrissie had no answer.

It took quite some time for a diagnosis; Dr. Purvess referred us to another doctor, who in his turn referred Chrissie to the Psychiatric department at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital. None of these consultations was easy as Chrissie resisted all the way telling me that it was pointless and there was nothing wrong with her. She was surprised when the Professor of Psychology related all the symptoms she was suffering without her saying anything, and told her she was Clinically Depressed. Dr. Purvess was advised to treat Chrissie with a relatively new drug called Anapranil, which was a TCA. (Tricyclic antidepressant) It meant nothing to me except that gradually I could see an improvement in Chrissie. Purvess had warned me that Chrissie would be taking these tablets for quite some time. Chrissie didn't seem to worry and neither did I; I was slowly getting back my Chrissie.

She did relapse at times and in one of those dark moments, she told me I should divorce her and marry a woman who could give me a child. I would have exploded but controlling my emotions was part and parcel of my career. "Yes, Chrissie, I could do that, and yes I could probably father a child, but what will I have lost? I would have lost you, and any woman I married after you will be second best. Would a child compensate for that? I think not. We didn't marry in order to become parents. We married because we wanted a life together. It was Chrissie and Clem who wanted to be lovers, friends, and companions throughout our lives. For me that wish hasn't changed. So, we cannot have children. That doesn't change my hope that you and I will be together, love together, laugh together, and go places together. We should look upon the opportunities; we can go to exotic places for holidays, places where we can make love on the beach with a warm sea lapping against as we do. See sights to enthral us, the Grand Canyon, Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Table Mountain in South Africa. You have said you want to see these places, so do I; and we can do them together and the wonder, the thrill of seeing them will be diminished if I cannot hold your hand at the same time. Love, my wonderful Chrissie is unconditional. It is you first in my life, the only woman I will truly love." Chrissie fell into my arms and wept her heart out.

If there was any upside to Chrissie's condition, it was her work. When I was at home there was little problem as we engaged in conversation quite a lot. At work, she had the doctor and nurses always on the alert for any relapse in Chrissie's condition. As time went on anyone meeting her would not even get the smallest clue to her problem, indeed I felt that we together had conquered the depression. Five years later, it came back with a bang. We had got on with our neighbours tolerably well to the extent that we would chat frequently and visited each other for drinks of an evening. Chrissie in all innocence had mentioned her condition to one of the neighbours. As gossip went in those day and still does today, her mention was passed on to others and as it was transmitted became much more than the simple truth. I came home one day to find Chrissie in tears and drinking whisky, which was forbidden her and a half-empty bottle of aspirin by her side. I took the whisky and the aspirin away and carried her up to the toilet, where I put my fingers down her throat. She vomited violently bringing up undigested aspirin as well as the rest of her stomach contents. I put her to bed and called Dr. Purvess. He was with us in twenty minutes. From downstairs I could only hear indistinct murmurs until I heard Purvess raise his voice clearly, telling Chrissie not to be so stupid again.

He came downstairs and joined me in the lounge. "She's going to be alright. She complained about you sticking your fingers down her throat, but to be honest if somewhat unorthodox it was very effective."

"Why should she do such a thing now? She was getting on well." This was the question that I had mulled over since I found Chrissie.

"It appears that as she walked home some of the neighbours children called her a nutter, loopy, loony and suggested she should go to the mad-house."

"Damn those bloody people." I said angrily. "I know she told the neighbour in conversation, but this?"

"Mr. Marston. You of all people should know how gossip spreads; the end result is nothing like the initial message."

After seeing Dr. Purvess out, I went upstairs to comfort Chrissie. She was lying in bed quiet but comfortably. I sat on the side of the bed and she opened her eyes reaching for my hand at the same time. Tears seeped slowly from the corner of her eyes. "I am sorry, Clem."

I shook my head. "No Chrissie, you did nothing wrong. The blame lies with these small-minded people in this avenue, who rather than offering sympathy and understanding prefer to vilify with insult." My voice reflected my anger as I spoke. I took deliberate deep slow breaths to control my mood. "Get some sleep now, Chrissie. We will talk later and decide what we do." I leaned in and kissed her lips. "Sleep well my most precious lady. I love you."

Chrissie smiled. "I love you, Clem." She closed her eyes as sleep claimed her.

A decision needed to be made. I had a choice. I could get very heavy legally with an injunction to stop this harassment or we could move. It sounds drastic I know but I had to do something, if this behaviour continued it would undermine all the improvement that Chrissie had shown. The legal aspect was fraught with problems. I doubted that I could get an injunction without Chrissie's health becoming a topic of discussion in open court. Even then, children of seven or eight years of age could ignore the injunction with impunity. I decided that we should move. It was something I had considered in any case. All I would be doing is acting earlier than I had planned.

I mentioned my thinking to Chrissie's father. Having given him the why's and wherefore's of my plan he as usual thought it through. He had been supportive when told of Chrissie's illness, unlike my father who advised me bluntly to tell Chrissie to pull herself together and stop playing the martyr. I remember his words clearly. "Shit happens to everyone. You just pull yourself up and get on with life. You can't hide behind some trick-cyclist babble to get pity." His unsympathetic attitude hurt me.

Mr. Ames was very understanding. "I understand your thoughts, Clem. Actually, it reinforces my estimation of your character. Your priority is Chrissie and I applaud that. Chrissie is my priority too and your decision, I believe is the right one. If there is any financial help that I can give, you have but to ask. After all it will be Chrissie's in time."

"That is most kind of you dad. I can manage. It's not as if I am buying a large house, after all it will be just Chrissie and me."

His face showed sadness and pride as I reminded him innocently that we would never have a child. The pride came, as I had never called him dad before. "Clem, you need to understand your criteria. You need a good area, place where your neighbours will be professional, educated people, who if they learn of Chrissie's problem will understand. You will probably need to entertain at times, Bill Forster tells me that would help if you ever apply for Silk. I am sure the area you need will have larger properties. Don't trim your ambition if a little help from me will secure the right place."

I drove home with quite a few new thoughts to engage me. None of these would be my decision alone, I would discuss everything with Chrissie and the outcome would be a mutual decision. Moving house came first on the agenda and agreed quickly. The location where we would look came next and whilst Chrissie was happy with the area I suggested, her concern was the budget. I assured her that it would be affordable so she agreed but with the comment. "It must not be too expensive, Clem"

Then I asked the question of whether I should apply for Silk in time. Applying for Silk is something a barrister may do with some years of experience. As a rule, no barrister with less than fifteen years experience would be considered. If a barrister's application is successful, he is appointed letters patent to be one of her Majesty's Counsel learned in the Law. He has the right to place Q.C after his name. The term taking Silk comes from the court apparel he is allowed to wear, a silk gown and a version of court dress. He remains a barrister but his fees can rise significantly. It is usual for a set of barristers to have a Q.C. as Head of Chambers. I had not been practising for fifteen years yet, but Melvin Askwith had suggested that I should be working towards that goal. By this he meant raising my profile with other barristers, and entertaining would be a sure way of doing that, as he said, "you never know you may be entertaining a barrister who is elevated to the bench and could be one of the Judges who sits on the committee."

Chrissie was all for it. This was the strange thing about her illness, she doubted herself in everything, yet given the opportunity to do something for her husband she threw herself wholeheartedly into the fray without any doubt at all. She had a gleam in her eye when she asked innocently. "Do Q.C.'s meddle with their wives frequently?"

"I believe it is almost an imperitive from Her Majesty."

"Good! Should we practice? Now."

"Now would be a very good time."

We found our house after many viewings of properties. Chrissie liked it as soon as she saw it and I had to agree it was right for us. When your wife, your most loved wife, declares her wish, so firmly it is incumbent on her husband to agree. It was slightly more than I had budgeted and against my resolve, I had to approach Mr. Ames. He was very happy to help and waved away my intent to repay him. "Clem, Chrissie is my only child and with you has found the love of a lifetime. What else should a father do? But help."

The next phase of our life began.

CHAPTER FIVE

The next fifteen years were good. Apart from occasional relapses, Chrissie managed to keep her depression at bay. We did our share of entertaining and accepted invitations frequently. One of the side effects of depression was being unsocial at times. However she did it I do not know but she seemed able to socialize, converse and have fun at these times before slumping into despond the moment we got home. The next day she would be fine. I understood that she did this for me and my heart if not already full of love for her overflowed. I stood by my promise to her that we would have some good holidays. We stood speechless looking over the Grand Canyon; we took the ferry from Darling Harbour and passed under the Sydney Harbour Bridge en route to the Circular Quay. We also took an evening dining cruise when the bridge was lit up spectacularly. I was tempted to take the climb up to the top of the bridge but decided against as Chrissie was getting jittery seeing danger where really none existed.

We had two weeks in the Seychelles and our dream came true as we made love one balmy evening on the beach with warm waves lapping at our bodies. We were both in our late forties and had lost the taut bodies of our youth, yet for that beautiful moment, we were God and Goddess. I doubted when we married that my feelings for Chrissie were of love. I liked her and enjoyed her company. Now I feel ashamed that I could not say those words at the time. Without doubt, I love her and my love for her grows with every minute, hour, day, week or month that passes.

My career had never been a rocket, but I had made sure progress. Without realizing it, I had become one of the stalwarts of the Chambers. I had my own room now and at severe cost, the walls were lined with a library of law books on almost every facet of the Law. With Melvin's urging, I had applied for Silk and my application was successful, so my name on the board outside our chambers was now just two below that of Mr. M. Askwith Q.C. as Head of Chambers. I spent more time in my office reading the more complicated briefs that came my way than I did in court; however, my appearance in court was at a much higher rate than hitherto. The senior clerk made sure of that. Harry had retired before his liver gave up on him completely and Daniel Millington had taken his place. Dan had been a clerk in another chambers, but unlikely to become senior clerk as the incumbent was not much older than he was. Knowing this Melvin was able to poach Dan without too much aggravation.