Nemesis Visits

"I think Wiccans are pagans and some of them are witches," says Ali before turning to me. "So is Maxie a witch?"

"No, but I'm not a Wiccan either. I just feel very sure that there is a Goddess," I tell them.

"Well, if you're so sure, what does this Goddess want people to do? How are we supposed to behave?" demands Paula.

"I wish I knew," I reply earnestly, "but I'm pretty certain that being kind and caring towards those around us is a big part of it. I really think it upsets her if we use and abuse people." I hear Ali laugh.

"So her commandments are: be nice to people and don't be a bastard or a bitch to them?" Ali paraphrases.

"Sounds like good advice to me!" exclaims Vicky and I have to agree with her... don't be a bastard to others like Max, like I was.

It's a good evening, though I'm conscious that I cannot help shying away from the few men that the others draw to the table. I don't know how noticeable my reaction is to the others and nobody comments so maybe I'm worrying too much. Later, Jo manages to hook up with a guy and goes off with him, leaving Mary to be consoled by Ali and me as the evening gradually winds down. Mary and I head back together until we part company near the restaurant. She reaches out and gives me a hug and I hug her back, grateful for her care and friendship. I feel affection, deep affection for her; it is love without lust which, for me, is a novel experience.

I kiss her cheek. "Good night, Mary. Thanks for a great evening. See you for the lunch shift tomorrow," I say.

"I'm glad you came; I think Ali was too, she thinks you're great. See you tomorrow."

And so my circle of friends expands and I become a little more Maxine and a bit less Max. However, while I feel more comfortable than I did at first, there is something unsettled and insecure about my life. I suppose that I'm waiting for the next hammer blow of Nemesis' ongoing retribution; it must be coming, I am sure, simply because I'm still not back to being Max.

As we finish work the following Thursday Mary calls me over to a table in the corner and asks me to sit. She's been a bit on edge all evening but has repeatedly dismissed my questions of what the matter is. Now, however, I can see she is really nervous. "So, Mary, are you going to tell me why you've been so out of sorts this evening?" I ask.

"You noticed, huh?" she smiles, "You're getting to know me too well, Maxie. I, er, wanted to ask you a favour, actually."

"Whatever you want, Mary; you're my friend and I owe you so much."

"Thanks but, well, this is a really big favour and I'll understand if you say no, I really will." she bites her lip. I've never seen Mary so anxious.

"Come on, girl, spit it out and ask me or we'll be here all night!" I tell here.

"Okay... the thing is, I've got a date next Monday..."

"Hey, that's great news; go you!" I tell her.

"Thanks, but the thing is... it's a double date that James, he's Louise's other half, is setting up for two of his mates from work, and er..."

"And you need a friend to go with you on the date?" I ask and she nods. "And that friend is me? You want me to be the second guy's date." Can I date a guy? Could I for Mary's sake?

"I'm sorry, Maxie, I knew this wouldn't be something you'd feel able to do, but I had to ask. I was going to ask Jo but she's going out with the guy she met last Saturday. I'll, I'll try to ask someone else."

"Hey, hold your horses, I haven't said no yet!" I tell her.

"Yeah, but you're going to..."

"I'll do it," I blurt out before my courage fails me. "Like I said, I owe you loads..." she has a big grin on her face, "but, after this, we might be pretty well even!" I warn.

"Thanks, Maxie, you're the best!" she tells me as she leans across to hug me. "There's just one thing," she says quietly, "you will get dressed up for the date, won't you? You know, a nice dress and a bit of lippy?" I groan inwardly; perhaps I should have thought a bit more carefully about what I was getting myself into.

"For your sake, Mary, of course I will," I promise.

CHAPTER 9: Trying to Cross a Line

What did I get myself into? Okay, buying a dress was fine: to my surprise, I actually find it fun, shopping with Mary and choosing a pale lilac sleeveless dress (yes, my armpits will need shaving!) with a slightly flared, pleated skirt to just below mid-thigh and that Mary enthuses over when I try it on. She wants me to buy a pair of high heels to match whereas I want flats; we compromise on a pair with low heels that I still feel a little unsteady in. The things I do for friendship!

In reality, the true test of my friendship is several hours -- too many hours -- spent learning to put on lipstick and eyeshadow. Some of the early attempts were... well, using the word 'gruesome' would be to flatter them. However, I do get better, in good part due to guidance and videos on the Internet, and I become at least moderately competent. When Mary calls to collect me she is suitably impressed. "Strewth, you buff up well, Maxie girl! Who'd have thought?" she smiles.

"You do know that doing this tonight means you'll owe me, don't you?" I tell her, smiling.

"No worries, it's worth it: Tom is seriously lust-worthy!" she licks her lips and grins.

"He'd better be, for all this," I warn her. "Come on, let's get going." My heart is racing and I haven't even left the apartment. Nevertheless, I take a deep breath and we head off. "So, Mary, who am I with this evening and what are we doing?"

"His name's Andy but that's about as much as I know about him, sorry. I also don't know exactly what we're doing, though James asked if there was any food we didn't like so I assume it's a restaurant."

Okay, I have zero interest in dating a guy but there is some flicker of pride inside me that doesn't want me stuck with some smelly, ignorant, rude gargoyle! Therefore I cannot help asking, "Do you know what, he, erm, Andy is like? You know, to look at?" Mary gives me a slightly surprised look at my interest. "What?" I ask, "Can't I want to know if my date is going to look like Gollum?" and she laughs.

"I've only seen him in the background of a photo but he looks okay," she assures me.

We meet the guys as agreed and I see Andy for the first time. I don't know what I was expecting but Andy is at once a surprise and a disappointment. He his tall but a bit gangling, reasonably good-looking, although his long, floppy hair and tendency to blink a lot detract from the impression he gives. He holds out his hand to shake as we introduce ourselves. "Um, hi Maxine, I'm, um Andy. I er, work..."

"Let me guess," I interrupt, "you work in IT?"

"Um, yes, um how did you know?" he asks, blinking even more furiously as his nervousness increases.

"I think I sort of recognise the general air of geekiness," I tell him and he sags as if defeated and I immediately feel guilty. From Max the Bastard to Maxine the Bitch: go me. Ha, so much for Nemesis' punishment working to change me into a nicer person. "Hey, erm, Andy, I'm really sorry; that was horrible of me. Look, however uncomfortable you feel this evening, I'll bet I feel even more awkward."

"I, um, I'm really here because of Tom. He desperately wanted to meet, um, Mary but was too nervous on his own so he asked me... well, he asked Ben in the office first but he was busy tonight, so..." I feel a sudden empathy for Andy.

"Me too," I tell him. "That is, I'm here for Mary and I was her second choice too. Look, let's just try and enjoy the evening together and have some fun. Okay?"

"Okay!" he says and smiles.

"Maxie, the guys have planned to go for a meal and then bowling. Sounds good, doesn't it?" Mary tells me more than she asks.

"Erm, are we dressed for bowling?" I ask and Mary leans in to whisper.

"Tom's a complete dazzler, look at him, mate! I don't mind flashing him a bit of leg when we're bowling."

I take a deep breath. "Alright, we go bowling. Mary you are going to owe me so much by the end of this night!" I warn her, though I smile.

In fact, the evening goes well, starting with a meal in an inexpensive Mexican restaurant where the relaxed atmosphere is ideal for our group. The food is good too. It soon becomes clear that Tom and Mary really fancy each other, the distance between them as they sit growing ever less while the little touches and contacts becoming increasingly frequent. Andy and I turn 'Tom and Mary Watching' into a little game, counting the touches and flirts and adoring looks.

Andy and I start two wagers: which of the two of them will start the hand-holding and when will it happen? I say that it will be Mary and on the way to the bowling alley and he says Tom and at the bowling alley when one of them gets a strike or a spare. We both lose because when we all stand up at the end of the meal they are already holding hands! "Want to bet on the first kiss?" Andy whispers as we head out of the restaurant.

"No! On their current form, if we try and catch them kissing we'll probably discover them having sex!" I laugh.

After a little discussion it's agreed that we'll have two teams and, unsurprisingly, the teams will be Mary and Tom versus Andy and me. As Max, I had been quite good at bowling and could usually manage several strikes and spares each game. As Maxine, I'm rubbish, not least because I find even the lightest bowling balls awkwardly heavy. However, you can always be lucky.

I should, perhaps, have guessed what Andy would do when I scored the strike, given his prediction for Tom and Mary kissing. Of course, I don't guess and as I turn to the others with my arms raised in achievement and a huge smile on my face, I am suddenly wrapped in a hug by Andy. Unsure of what to do but not wanting to hurt his feelings I give a gentle hug back until Tom calls out, "Get a room you two!" which is pretty rich given how he and Mary are being with each other but does mean that Andy releases me.

By the end of the second game and the end of the evening, it is clear that Tom and Mary are now a couple and want to go off to be alone together. However, Mary evidently feels guilty about abandoning me. "Go on, Mary, off you go. You've been dying to start making out with Tom all evening and what kind of friend would I be if I stood in your way now? Andy will look after me, I'm sure."

"Thanks, Maxie, for everything. You're such a sport and a fab best mate; I really do owe you." Her calling me her best mate chokes me with such an upsurge of emotion that I have to swallow painfully before I can speak.

"Hey, best mates don't owe each other. Now go on and... I don't know, have fun with Tom!"

As they head off I feel Andy come up behind me. "Shall I walk you home?" he asks.

"Thank you, that would be very kind," I tell him.

We walk, not talking very much, as I try to work out what I'm feeling. Andy seems a nice bloke, especially once you get past his shyness. He's intelligent, thoughtful and funny and I have enjoyed his company this evening. As we near my apartment I wonder if I should invite him up for coffee. We stand, facing each other as I look up into his face. I can see he's attracted to me but I don't know how to respond. I like him but could I make love to him? I try to imagine us in bed together, half closing my eyes to try and visualize it, to imagine us making love.

I am startled by his lips pressing against mine, the roughness of his stubble softly scratching my skin. It startles me and there are uncomfortable echoes of my encounter with the odious Jason but I resist the urge to pull away. This is different: Andy is a good, gentle and thoughtful man, I tell myself. Yet I'm not able to kiss back, not at first. I can feel the stirrings of arousal inside, my body's biological drive towards sex and reproduction perhaps. There is also my own desire to feel loved and, yes, a new urge to give love that has never mattered much to me in the past.

I open my mouth and his tongue slides in. I begin to kiss back, to share the moment with him... but there is something wrong; the arousal gutters and dies and the kiss becomes nothing more than a mechanical mashing of our mouths. I turn my head slightly, breaking the kiss. "I'm sorry, I can't..." I whisper. I look back at him as I feel him tense, a cold wash of fear travelling through me as I expect to receive his anger at my rejection, anticipating shouting and insults or worse.

"No, Maxie, I'm so sorry," he lets go of my hand to delicately move a lock of hair from my face. "I shouldn't have kissed you then, I just... you've very pretty Maxie, and I've loved being with you this evening." He smiles softly and I feel guilty, like I'm letting him down. Andy is worthy of my love and affection simply for being everything that Max wasn't and nothing that he was. However, I cannot pretend feelings I don't have, my mind rebelling at the idea: that was the sort of dishonesty and deception Max practised all the time to seduce others and Andy deserves better.

"Oh Andy, I've really enjoyed this evening too," I tell him honestly. "You really are a lovely guy... you deserve a girl who can love you back. I tried but... but I just can't... sorry."

"Maxie, can I ask, um, are you gay, a, a lesbian? Sorry, no, I shouldn't have asked that, forget it."

"You don't need to apologise, Andy, it's a fair question given the way I've behaved. The answer is that I don't know but maybe, definitely maybe. Still, that'll give you something you can tell your mates to explain why, you know, I wasn't interested." A strange, unreadable look crosses his face.

"Do you really want me to tell people you're gay? I mean, I assume that Mary, your close friend, doesn't know you're a lesbian or she wouldn't have invited you this evening."

"I think Mary wonders about me but, no, I don't want you to tell people. Still, you will anyway, won't you? Rather than have to say that I just didn't fancy you. It's just what men do, isn't it?" I flinch slightly at Andy's expression before I realize that my words have not angered him but offended him.

"Maxie, you must have dated some right fucked-up bastards, sorry for swearing but they must be. I guess some men might do that but not a man with any decency."

"Um, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I think the man I knew was definitely a, erm, 'fucked-up bastard' and you are absolutely nothing like him." I put my arms around him and give a hug. "If I was, like, into guys then I'd absolutely want a guy like you." He smiles.

"Thank you. I think that's the nicest thing that a, um, definitely-maybe-lesbian woman has ever said to me." He holds out his hand to me. "Friends?" he asks.

I ignore his hand and crane up to kiss his cheek, "Yes, friends, absolutely. Look, do you want to come in for a platonic coffee?" I ask and he hesitates.

"Thanks but, no, I'd better not. I know what you told me and I totally respect that but, well, bits of me still really fancy you and, um..."

"I understand. Andy, if I meet a woman in need of a good man I am certainly going to point her in your direction." I tell him smiling.

"I like redheads," he grins. "Night Maxie, and thank you."

"Night night Andy, and thank you too. Be safe going home," and with a final smile and wave, I head home.

CHAPTER 10: A Fool Rushes In

The feeling of being in some kind of limbo is getting worse. I have become, after some ten weeks and to all intents and purposes, completely Maxine: I have a circle of good friends, I have work colleagues and I have my routines and habits. Dressing has become automatic and I even wear lipstick most days. I have survived my second period and, though I still missed another day of work due to the pain, at least I knew I wasn't dying. I find that I'm starting to think of myself as a woman and that I'm beginning to struggle to recall what it was like being a man. I struggle even more with thinking of Max as me and, whenever I do, it is with a deep and bitter shame.

I have also discovered many things about being a woman: that I am fair game to have things called our or shouted at me, ranging from what might be intended as compliments on my appearance to abuse because of how I look or what I wear; that men talk down to me; that if I wear shorts a man thinks he can stroke my leg when he sits next to me on the bus; that if I am with a man, Andy, for instance, salespeople and the like will talk to him rather than me, even if I'm the one making the enquiry. When I talk to the other women I find their attitude is generally 'That's just the way things are' and 'It's best not to make a fuss'. I now know why.

Paul, the head chef, has been having issues with his marriage, apparently. Two days ago, on Monday, he was really low and some of us were sitting around after the restaurant closed having a drink as a way of unwinding after what had been a surprisingly busy evening. Mary wasn't there -- she's taken a week off, probably so she can be out with Tom every night -- but Angie and Colin were there. Paul had wandered off a while earlier and I decided to head home so went to the staff room to collect my bag. To my surprise, Paul was there, a bottle in his hand.

"Are you okay, Paul?" I asked and sat next to him. He was evidently a little drunk and started spilling out his heart about how Kim, his wife, had mistreated him, not loved him, only been interested in the money he earned... it was all full of self-pity and, apparently, everything was Kim's fault. Nevertheless, I put my arm around him to comfort him, just as a friend, and I bent round, trying to see his face to get an idea of how he was feeling. That was a mistake because the next thing I knew he'd grabbed the back of my head and was pressing his lips against mine. I felt his hand on my boob, squeezing...

I drove upwards with my legs, fortunately breaking his grip. "No, Paul, you're drunk," was all I said before grabbing my things and hurrying out of the restaurant.

Yesterday I complained to Leon about what had occurred; I'd even prepared a written statement of exactly what happened, wanting to give an accurate and clear description of the events. I didn't want Paul sacked but felt that Leon should give him a formal warning so that he never tried anything like that again against me or any of the other women. Leon read through what I'd written and said he'd speak to me later.

When later arrived Leon handed me an envelope. "That's your wages for this week and for next. I'm letting you go, Maxie, you're not working here anymore."

"Why?" I asked in disbelief.

"I spoke to Paul. You came onto him, cuddling him and trying to kiss him and then when he kissed you back, you tried to accuse him of sexual assault. You're a troublemaking little cow and I don't want you here so get out." I felt rage and anger boiling inside me: what came out were tears as I fled.

So here I am, out of work because a man tried to assault me. I called Mary first thing this morning and she invited me straight over to her place.

"Here, drink this," she tells me as she hands me a mug of sweet tea before sitting next to me. "I know alcohol would be better but it is only ten a.m." She puts her arm around me as I sob. "I can't believe that Leon was such a bastard to you. I think I'm going to resign; he can't treat you like that."

"He already has, Mary," I tell her. "And, please, don't you resign for me: you need the work."

"But it's so unfair. You did nothing wrong!" she complains.

"Apparently I did. Apparently, I led Paul on, but I did no more than you're doing to me now. I guess it's my word against Paul's and Leon doesn't know who's to blame."

"Well, if he wasn't sure whose fault it was then he shouldn't have sacked you... or he should have sacked Paul too."