Off The WallbyRobert Kincaid©
EXT. - PRIVATE LAKE - AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING
Upscale residences line the shore each with their own dock. Several
dinghies attached to their docks bob in the eddies. A SMALL MAN emerges
from between two houses and walks to a dock, climbs into a dinghy and
undoes the tether. He rows out of sight as fast as he can.
EXT. - DECK WITH STEPS DOWN TO DOCK - AFTERNOON
Four middle aged women lounge and sun themselves. GEORGIA lies face
down, spread eagle on a towel while SANDRA rubs sunblock on GEORGIA'S
back. DEE DEE lies down propped on her elbows reading a "romance"
paperback. STEPHANIE sits on a deck chair and sips a cold drink and
reads an iPad instruction book.
One more week and I can rest! I'll be so glad when next week is over...
No more twelve hour days.
SANDRA turns to watch STEPHANIE.
Are you still selling Medicare Supplement Insurance?
Oh yeah. But the option time is up on Friday. Woo hoo!
Is tomorrow's dance card all filled?
Yeah. My first appointment is with a seventy-two year old man that lives
in the country about an hour from here.
DEE DEE puts down her Harlequin Paperback and joins the conversation.
Maybe he's handsome and loaded and just maybe you can hook up with him.
And maybe you're reading too many "True Love" stories!
I'm just worried that you're going to end up an old maid...
Your mother just called.
What did she have to say?
She asked if you were getting enough sleep. I told her yes. And she
wanted to know if Tom had contacted you. I told her no. That's all...
Oh, she loves you.
I've had it with Tom! So don't bring him up ever again!
OK, OK! He may be rich but he was no catch! So what's the scoop on Mr.
I checked Facebook this morning and his profile says that he's not
married but, he has eight kids! It also says that his girlfriend of
twenty two years passed away two months ago and now he lives alone.
Eight kids... Sounds like he really likes sex! Just what you need,
Stephie! A passionate man with experience.
He wrote on his Wall that he's been a computer programmer since 1962.
Wow! He must have a high IQ!
But, he's seventy-two! That's too old for me! He's old enough to be my
Doesn't your insurance pay for Viagra?
Sure it does! That's a laugh. Oh, look at this: His favorite band is
RadioHead! I LOVE RadioHead! Hand me my ipad, Dee Dee. Let's hear some
STEPHANIE puts her drink and instruction book down and sets the iPod so
all four can hear. All listen and sing along.
Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden. No alarms and no surprises
(let me out of here).
STEPHANIE picks up her iPad. She presses the Facebook key.
Hey, Dee Dee... Look at this. His profile says that he's looking for a
romantic relationship and that he guarantees satisfaction! Nothing wrong
with his ego! He claims that he can 'fix' any relationship that's gone
bad! I bet!
Stephie, you're getting really picky! There aren't very many good men
left at your age. They're too young, too old, too sickly or too crazy!
You're right, Dee Dee. ...Or they're cheating, lying, crooks! Plus, they
always want to change you.
GEORGIA moves closer to STEPHANIE.
Sounds as if you're not over what's his name...
I am too! But, it's men like him that makes you wary of the whole sorry
lot! I need another drink!
All four women rise, gather towels, cigarettes, bottles of sunblock. One
by one they step from the deck to the stairs and go up to the house.
INT. - SUN ROOM - AFTERNOON
DVD player is playing Radiohead "Sit Down, Stand Up." STEPHANIE places a
pitcher of margaritas on the bar and serves a glass to each of the other
three women. STEPHANIE pours a glass for herself. STEPHANIE sits in her
captain's chair with her iPad in her lap.
Let me check his Facebook for anything interesting else written on his
wall. His name is Bob Taylor. He says that he's "Looking for a fun
relationship with a beautiful woman that knows how to dance, grow
flowers and loves bulldogs."
I think you'd better update your profile. Since he's on Facebook, he's
going to check you out, too. You should say that you're a forty-five
year old, desperate, chain smoker, wants any available male in the age
range of thirty to ninety that can get it up! Oh, and say that you are
I'll put that I'm attractive. And I'm looking for a 'happy'
relationship. Or should I say 'satisfying' relationship?
As horny as you are, I'd put in that you've been looking for love in all
the wrong places!
I think I'll put in that I'm a survivor of a bad relationship gone bad!
That should pique his interest.
SANDRA rises from where she was sitting and walks to the bar. She pours
another drink. She notices a box with an Apple Logo and in large
Hey, Stephie! What's this? A new toy? Can I open it? It says 'Voice
Recognition' for your iPad!
Sure you can. Let's try it out. I hope it works... Just imagine - a
hands free iPad!
SANDRA brings the box of software to STEPHANIE who then loads the
software into the iPad. STEPHANIE refers to the instruction book.
The instructions say to turn the Voice Recognition on by clicking the
'VR' key and then say 'Hello' followed by a name that you call your
iPad. Anybody have a suggestion for a name?
Let's call it 'Bob'.
No... That would be too confusing if you were talking to 'Bob' and the
iPad chimed in...
How about 'Einstein'?
Good! Let's try it. I'm clicking the 'VR' key. Here goes - Hello, Einstein!
Hello. The attributes assigned to the name, "Einstein" are male voice,
large vocabulary, and a tendency for pontificating. What is your name?
Sampling your speech indicates that you are a female. Is that correct?
There is an error in the set up of the voice recognition. Please reinstall.
You could let your new 'boyfriend' fix it. Just to check on his nerd
His nerd credentials would be in conflict with his ability to fix my bad
relationship, wouldn't they? Help me out here, Georgia... I'm thinking
that a "Sheldon" type wouldn't be able to fix a "Penny" people problem.
Ask him tomorrow. He might be a nerd that took psych courses in college.
Just ask him how he can 'fix' a broken heart! Or better yet, ask him if
he likes Radiohead's Creep! And if he says yes, then ask him to explain
the words... How about that?
INT. - RUSTIC CABIN'S KITCHEN - MORNING
Bob, 72 year old man, enters and appears to speak to an empty kitchen.
Well, Jan, I've fed the chickens and walked the bulldogs. Remind me to
check "Rose" this afternoon. I think she's in heat.
OK. You have three Emails unread. Should I read them to you?
Later, Jan. Time for breakfast. How about Eggs Benedict and coffee?
Nothing for me, Big Daddy.
Cute, Jan. Do you know 'cute'?
Yes. Cute has three meanings: -
attractive, affectedly clever; or shrewd.
Very good, Jan. I think I'll just have coffee.
Bob pours himself a cup of coffee and takes it into the rustic office.
He sits at a roll top desk and studies a listing displayed on his large
A computer generated face appears on the computer screen. The face is
attractive and is positioned to the right of the program listing. The
lips move as if it were speaking.
What are you working on? The last project was to communicate directly
with an iPad app.
OK, the objective is to set up an application on a remote iPad so that
you can directly retrieve information without a human required. Sort of
a smart download...
Won't that be in opposition to the second law of robotics?
Funny that you should bring that up. But, and this is a big but,
Asimov's Laws concern life and limb but not information.
Information can cause un-life and un-limbs.
Yup. So sue me.
The phone is ringing. It's your son, Ashley, according to the caller id.
OK, Jan. Hello? Is that you, Ashley?
EXT. - CAR - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Ashley, 48 male, son of Bob, drives in rush hour traffic while speaking
to his hands-free computer system. Ashley is talking to his father.
Father: Sorry to hear about your girlfriend. The reason I'm calling is
whether she had a will and what she did with the house that you built
ROBERT TAYLOR, "BOB" speaks from his den.
Judy left the house to me. She had no money so you're out of luck there.
As to my current will don't worry. It shows that all eight kids share
and share alike. My lawyer has a copy. That's the way it is and I'm not
going to change it. That is unless I get married again but, there's not
a chance I'm even going to date. I'm too set in my ways to have some
cutesy cheerleader create a racket around here. Have a nice day.
Bob hangs up on Ashley without pausing.
Junior shows disgust and hits the steering wheel in frustration.
Damn! That house should have been mine! I'll get him one way or another!
BOB (O.S.) (CONT'D)
INT. - RUSTIC DEN - MOMENTS LATER - CONTINUOUS
Bob sits back at his desk with a happy smile on his face. He reaches for
his coffee and speaks to Jan, his computer.
Jan, I'm expecting an insurance agent this morning but, before we meet
with her, I should send an Email to Ashley.
Jan, a computer voice on Bob's monitor, can hear and talk.
Ready for message.
Hey, Ashley. I know that you're upset with me but, please, just leave it
alone. I've got enough to keep me busy without another clingy female so
don't worry. I'm not searching for another soul mate. Jan, you can send it.
Message Sent. Big Daddy, what is a clingy female? It's not in my database.
I'm sorry, Jan. Let me try to explain. For some unknown reason, most of
the women that I've been with come up with problems that only I can fix
or so they say. I think it's a trick to keep me interested in them. So
"clingy female" is bad.
Am I a clingy female?
Of course not, Jan. You help solve problems, you don't...
Excuse me, Bob, but the phone is ringing. The caller is Stephanie
Lawson. Shall I connect you?
Yes, Jan. Hello Stephanie.
Hello? Is this Bob? Well, my Gypsy has gotten me totally lost. The last
sign said 'Muddy Ridge Road.' What should I do?
Your Gypsy got you lost? That's funny. Let me see. The easiest thing to
do is go back to Highway 57, turn right, go for about a mile, turn right
at the old school house and follow Pocahontas Road for three and a half
miles. Turn right on Betty Lane and that's me.
So you know where I am?
I'm guessing but, if you're still lost, please call back and I'll come
Thanks so much. I'll hurry...
Jan, where did you get calling me, Big Daddy?
While I was inputing copies of all your Emails, I picked up that as a
nickname. It was more logical than 'Bob'.
OK, Jan, very logical.
Jan, would you start a profile of Stephanie Lawson. And ask her to
OK. Here's a photo of her.
A photo of Stephanie appears on the monitor screen.
She's beautiful! This may be the one!
EXT. - RUSTIC HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
STEPHANIE LAWSON parks her car. She opens car door and selects sales
materials and exits car. Car door closes as ROBERT TAYLOR, "Bob"
welcomes her from the front porch.
Hello, Stephanie... My you are beautiful! Aaa... Welcome to Dogwood
Pond. May I help you?
No, I've got it. Sorry I got lost. I guess Google...
...Google has some mistakes in their maps! Come on in. We can sit at
the dining room table. What do you want in your coffee?
Just cream, thank you. You have a beautiful place. Did you...
...build it myself? Yup. I had some help getting it in the dry but the
finish carpentry stuff, ...
...You did it all by yourself. Wonderful. So warm and ...
...cozy. I think so. Let me get you some coffee and we'll get the
... Out of the way.
I'll be right back.
Bob indicates where Stephanie should sit by the dining table and exits
to the kitchen for coffee. Stephanie arranges the sales material and
Robert enters the dining room two minutes later with a tray of coffee
and cream. He places it on the dining table and pulls up a chair beside
I've filled in most of the information from your profile on Facebook so
this should be rather painless to complete. First question is 'Are we in
Hardeman County, state of Tennessee?'
Yes. I could have said I'm in a state of denial...
Then I would have said, "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink." Second question,
"Are you in the state of renal failure?" and don't you dare say
The answer is, "NO." But, that may be why my parrot died.
Oh, God! No dead parrots! (giggles) OK. Sign here and here and put your
social security number here and that's it! When you get the information
from the company please read it and if you don't understand something,
please call me. This is my phone number. You may call it for any
reason. I marked my cell phone so you can reach me whenever...
Such as for a date? Or are you in a serious relationship?
I was in a very intense relationship which went sour... Very sour.
Stephanie averts her eyes. Pauses and catches her breath. She closes her
eyes for a couple of seconds.
Let's change the subject.
I understand. Maybe later... I don't know how much you read on Facebook
but, Judy was my soul mate for twenty-two years. She passed in February.
She was such a happy person. She so wanted to pick the woman for my next
partner. It was her belief that I only picked hard to get along with
I'm so sorry... Judy sounds like an angel...
Thank you. She was ...
Well, I wasn't so lucky. My relationship ended in a terrible situation
STEPHANIE shows painful emotion again and then she does a face-palm.
Then she gets a hold of herself.
OK! So tell me about yourself, Mr. IQ of 147. Are you really a nerd?
Like, do you belong to Mensa? And do you toss out formulae for every
Sorry, I lost my nerd id many years ago along with my pocket protector.
And as to Mensa, I've been asked at least four times but declined when I
found out that all they wanted to meet about was to find out who was the
brainiest. And I already knew.
Well, I've got a problem with my...
Bob, is she a clingy female?
What was that? Is there someone here?
That's my computer's voice, "Jan". She is learning an English
vocabulary. You should just ignore her.
What did she mean, "Am I a clingy female?"
Jan and I were having a discussion about the term "clingy female" and
A discussion with your computer? Do you normally discuss things with her?
That's how she learns. To start with, Jan has a voice plus, I've added
an application to analyze sentences and learn from them.
Wow! You are some nerd, all right! I hate to ask, but, can you fix my
iPad? My voice recognition doesn't work. It says that the app wasn't
Did you bring it with you?
It's in the car.
Can you stay for lunch?
No, I'm running late as it is.
Well, how about me making dinner for us.
What time do you think you'll be back?
I should be back about six thirty or seven.
Perfect. I'll fix dinner with wine. We can have some drinks, I'll fix
your iPad and who knows?
Stephanie turns to exit. Over her shoulder:
Back by seven. And thanks Bob. You're really sweet.
INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Mother! Are you here?
Just a minute, sweetheart, I'm doing laundry.
Mother, I've just met a sweet man but he's so old. Like seventy...
Margo, Stephanie's mother walks into the kitchen drying her hands.
So, what's so special?
He thinks I'm beautiful and said so. He's kind to animals and he's so
damn smart! If I get through our first date without going to bed with
him, I'll be surprised!
Sweetheart, I don't think you should jump into a new bed without getting
the last beau out the door.
Tom is out the door! (I think...)
Margo is not being judgmental but wants her daughter to follow the rules.
Just have a talk with Tom before you have a date with this new person.
What's his name?
Bob. Ordinary name but extraordinary man. I'd better go. He's waiting
for me. I'll try to call Tom when I leave. Thanks, Mom.
Stephanie leaves, closes the door. Her car can be heard leaving.
INT. RUSTIC KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Bob starts water boiling. Bob hears Stephanie returning.
I'm in the kitchen.
Hello, I'm back.
Welcome to my little kitchen.
Stephanie enters the kitchen.
So you're a cook too?
Just some Pasta Alfredo with shrimp. Do you like avocado? We're going
to have a salad with avocado and a raspberry vinaigrette dressing.
Sounds so good! I've changed my appointments to next Friday so I have
all evening to "fix" things.
So, Big Daddy, is this woman defined as 'clingy'?
Stephanie reacts to the sudden voice of Jan.
Jan, this is Stephanie. She is not clingy. Now hush.
Bob turns back to Stephanie.
That should have solved that problem.
Does Jan follow you around?
I've got the house and car wired for her -- oh, and she is connected to
the cell phone. Jan has a voracious appetite for information. Ah - Let
me drain the pasta. And add some butter and Parmesan. And now the
shrimpies. If you would get some pasta plates in that last cupboard,
I'll dish. Let's eat in the kitchen, OK? White or red?
Red, please. Chianti if you don't mind. It makes it so ...
Bob retrieves a bottle, opens and pours.
Smells so good! And it tastes wonderful. So where did you get the 'Jan'
application for your computer?
I cobbled some artificial intelligence modules that I programmed back in
the sixties along with some voice recognition.
The latest functionality that I've added is the "learning" module--