One Plus Two Minus One Ch. 07

"I want you," he said softly. "I really, really fucking want you."

"I know," she said. She turned around and started putting course guides and notes in a box. "I'm working out how."

"Your office?"

She shook her head. "People will see."

"My place."

"You have roommates."

"Please," he said.

"Just wait."

People started coming in, the students for the next class. They would wait a while to come into a mostly empty room, but not forever. She heard voices, the soft thuds of fire doors swinging open and closed. She looked at Ethan and ignored the rest of them.

"Your office," Ethan said quietly. "Just once, tonight."

She hesitated. "Okay."

"Six?"

She bit her lip. She wanted to say later, that she'd go down and let him in. She wanted them to be able to make more noise, but she didn't know what Robert was expecting from her yet, or when he thought she should be home.

She realized she was thinking like she was having an affair, and that she shouldn't be. Even though she was.

"Six," she said, and picked up the box of papers.

As she left she glared at him, then looked at the other door to the room. He understood, and went the other way, out the other door, instead of following her.

He got her. He got her well enough that any choices she needed to be making should be easy, but somehow they weren't.

*

In her office, on her desk, with Ethan deep inside her, Beth came, and bit his shoulder, and sighed into his ear, "Fuck, I need you."

He looked at her, and seemed surprised, then she squeezed herself and licked his neck and he came too, distracting him.

When he was done, even while he was finishing, he said, "I heard that."

"I know," she said.

"Was it true? Do you?"

She nodded. She didn't want to meet his eyes, was embarrassed for some reason, but she nodded.

He reached back, felt around for the chair behind himself, and sat down. His knees were shaking. They often did if he came standing up.

He looked up at her, and she perched on her desk and looked back. She should wipe, had picked up tissues to do so, but he was looking right at her and he liked that kind of view and she wanted him to remember her. She might not see him as much, for the next little while. She squeezed a little again, tried to drip, but wasn't sure how well it worked.

She sat there and let him look. She was naked from the waist down, because she hadn't expected this and had worn jeans today. She could have pulled them down to her knees and bent over, got him to do her from behind, but she'd wanted to be held, wanted to look at his face while he was inside her, and that surprised her a little too.

She sat on her desk with a bare ass and wasn't bothered by getting caught any more. She relaxed after she came, was less anxious about things like that. The door was locked and the building was quiet and she didn't especially care if they were caught, not really. It would solve a lot of problems.

Ethan had teased her about that before, about being anxious until she got off and then not giving a shit. He thought that was funny, because he said most people were the opposite, only started worrying after they came. She'd wanted to ask how the fuck he knew that, but didn't, because part of her was starting to get possessive and jealous and she didn't want to know. She'd surprised herself one morning a week ago by getting herself off thinking about his threeway, imagining the other two with him. Surprised herself because she'd never fantasized about someone's past partners before, and also because she'd felt a sour little taste of jealousy after she came. There were things going on she didn't quite understand, and she really didn't like that kind of confusion.

She sat on her desk and looked at him and felt him, a little of him still left, sticky inside her. He looked at her and was so serious he wasn't staring at her naked bits, he was looking at her face.

She put her knees wide apart just to see if he'd look, and he did. It felt too much like a medical exam though, a bit of a weird one with semen up inside her, so she put her knees together again and grinned instead.

"What did that mean?" he said. "That you need me."

"I don't know."

He looked at her for a while.

"Fuck," she said. "I really don't. I just said it."

"Did you mean it?"

She nodded. "I do, yeah."

He was thinking. "So you're not trying to end this?" he said.

She was surprised. "Shit, of course not."

"Oh."

"You thought I was?"

He shrugged. "Like a non-confrontational thing, you know. Just ignore me, let it drift until it ends."

"When we talked," she said. "I said..."

"I know."

She didn't understand.

"Well, I said that," she said. "And it was only the other day..."

"You would say that. If you were trying to let things end."

It was true, but still. "That'd be kind of cold."

"Yeah."

"Is that what you'd think I'd do?"

He shrugged. Then said, "No, I know you wouldn't. Just part of me wondered, that's all."

She should remember he could be as insecure as she could. She should remember he wasn't really that cocky little fuck she'd met at the party months ago.

He'd probably actually feel worse, right now, more unsure, because she knew what was going on, and was distracted by Robert, and had Robert, and Ethan was just wondering, suddenly missing her all the hours she'd normally have filled in his day. Her worries about being used, being tricked, were probably now his.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean you to think that."

"It's fine. I was just being..."

"No," she said, and leaned forward to kiss him. "No, I'm not doing that. Not ever."

He looked at her.

"Never," she said. "I can't promise you much, but I fucking swear to you I'll be honest with you no matter what, and that I won't be cruel."

"Okay."

"Fuck me again."

He stood up and slid into her again, slid in all slithery and warm because she was still thick with him. She liked this, now they'd started doing it, him always wanting twice and not using condoms. One time just became the next, in one long squelchy fuck. He didn't seem to care about the mess they made, almost seemed to like it, and he never went completely soft, so she could just start again when she wanted to.

She wanted to tell him how she felt, to say how much she wanted him, but she didn't know how. She didn't know how to say he was a better man than Robert without it coming out wrong, and she didn't know how to say how much she liked sex with him, without it sounding like all she cared about was that, rather than him, and who he was.

He was thinking about sex anyway, not feelings. She could see it on his face. He was being a guy, just fucking her, not thinking about anything else.

She stayed quiet, and kissed his mouth, and felt him inside her. She hugged him as she came, held herself against his chest so she could feel him close, and kept hold of him, made him stay where he was, as he came too.

She held onto him a little longer, breathing hard.

"I just need time to sort this out," she said after a while. "I want you. And if I want this to end, I'll tell you. But I don't."

"Okay."

She looked at him and wanted to ask, to know how much he wanted her too, but it wasn't fair to try and make him tell her. He might be trying to protect his feelings, trying to hide them from himself.

She pushed him back, and wiped herself.

He grinned at her, happy enough because he'd just got off, she thought. He kissed her, and she kissed him back, a bit desperately, wondering how they were going to get through this, and if it was even fair to want to.

"Hey," he said. "Don't look like that."

"Yeah," she said. "I know."

He held her for a while, and told her it would be okay, and she just nodded, and then said, "I should go."

He walked out with her, kissed her again in a pool of darkness under a tree, and left her to walk home.

Robert didn't seem to have noticed she was gone, just said hi and went back to what he was reading, and that irritated her too. She'd wasted time she could have been with Ethan and Robert didn't even bother paying attention to where she was.

She went and had a shower, and only then thought she should have done that at her office. She still had Ethan inside her, must smell of sex, and of another man on her skin, and she hadn't even thought to worry.

Maybe she'd stopped worrying so much, or maybe she wasn't very good at cheating. Or perhaps she really just didn't care if Robert caught her, even though she was going through the motions.

She washed herself, and made herself come again in the shower, and Robert still hadn't noticed how long she'd been in there when she went downstairs to get something to eat.

*

Robert started going to political demonstrations. He'd always done this sort of thing, and always seemed to think Beth was going to go with him until she laughed and said no.

Sometimes she actually laughed. He had causes, dozens of causes, and although she understood he thought a lot needed doing to fix the world, she also thought a bit of focus might help.

"Beth," he said. "Please. This is important."

"No, it isn't," she said. "It's a waste of time. No-one cares."

She took her chance to sneak away and see Ethan while Robert was distracted. And the rest of the time she schemed to avoid having sex with Robert.

She started going to bed early or late, so he was asleep when she got there or she could pretend to be. She started sleeping in clothes, just so she didn't turn him on by mistake, even though she had trouble getting to sleep with anything on. He noticed and asked why she was sleeping in a tee shirt now. She said it was colder, so he turned the heat up, without asking, until she said, sharply, that he should watch the fucking power bill.

One night he caught her, obviously still awake, and started kissing her, so she lied and said she had her period. Because he was fussy, unlike Ethan, and had never wanted to then. It worked for that night, and the next few, and she was pleased, except then she had wear sensible undies for a week, and leave a box of tampons out, and flush one every so often in case he checked, and then remember to take her pill without a break, so she didn't get it two weeks later and make him think she was pregnant or miscarrying or had ovarian cancer or something.

It pissed her off she had to bother, because he wouldn't leave her alone. Having a period pissed her off at the best of times, but it really irritated her now.

She saw Ethan again, and got laid, and that helped, and then a week later Robert asked her for sex directly, and she was trapped. He said they hadn't in a while, and should, and said it all sweetly like he was worried they were drifting apart or something.

So Beth had to say no directly, or let him. Or say she'd been worn out by her toyboy, sorry.

So she got undressed and he went down on her, and she didn't feel a thing. It was strange. Even though she wasn't really interested, she'd have thought the basic mechanics would mean she got something out of it. A tongue on her was a tongue on her and he'd never been that bad at it before, but she just didn't care. She sighed a bit and gasped now and then and she didn't exactly mean to fake, but she started off implying she was enjoying it more than she was, then followed through on the lie.

It was odd and very unfair that Ethan was better than Robert without even trying, while Robert did all the things she was supposed to like. It was unfair because there was no way Robert could fix it, no matter how hard he tried. He just wasn't what she wanted any more.

When he tried to fuck her she told him to wear a condom. She was thinking of Ethan and how she wasn't using them with him, then realized somehow her loyalties had got mixed up, and it wasn't Ethan she owed the condom to.

Robert seemed surprised. "When did we start doing that?" he said.

"You weren't here," she said. "I went off the pill."

"It's in the bathroom." Beside the sink, next to her toothbrush, where she'd left it last night. But he probably wouldn't have noticed whether any pills were actually getting used. She knew, from the one time they'd talked, that being grossed out by her period went as far as being grossed out by the pink bit on the foil around the inactive pills.

"Yeah," she said, "I just left it there. I'm not taking them."

"Your phone alarm still goes off."

"Hadn't bothered changing it. Stop fucking interrogating me."

He looked at her for a while then said, "You've got some somewhere? Condoms?"

She almost said no, to try and get out of sex, but he'd probably already found the boxes she'd used with Ethan, still in the bathroom drawer. He'd probably already noticed them. He shouldn't be in her bathroom, poking around, but he probably had been.

"Bathroom," she said. "Bottom drawer."

Robert went and got them, and they had sex, and Beth laid there and didn't really feel anything. She just watched him, and didn't care he was there.

Not how she watched Ethan when he was inside her.

The next day she had to change her phone alarm, and hide her pill, and start taking it at lunchtime, when she was at her office and Robert wasn't around, all just to keep from getting caught in one lie.

Everything was getting complicated. Robert didn't interest her any more, and she couldn't think of any way to tell him that which wasn't utterly horrible, so she let him fuck her instead.

She'd never felt as despicable as she did then.

Robert tried again a few nights later, and Beth just lay there again, on her back, passive, watching. She felt like her grandmother.

"What's wrong?" Robert said, and she shook her head.

He tried to get her to go on top, but she said she didn't want to. After a while she said, "Hold my wrists," and he looked confused, but did, and then at least she enjoyed that a little.

He held her arms down, and she watched him, but whatever she'd felt for a moment was gone. He held her arms together, over her head, like Ethan did, but it wasn't the same.

He was rubbing her, fumbling between her legs, and she watched, waiting, fairly sure what he was about to do. He pressed his finger against her ass. It was wet enough to go in without hurting, but it was probably just spit. Or her.

She moved, put her foot on his chest, pushed him back.

"Don't," she said.

"What?"

"I don't want to."

He tried again, grabbed her wrists tighter, and was probably rougher than he should have been. She got more interested, suddenly. It felt like that was wrong.

He turned her over, pushed her face-down on the bed, and held her arms. Like Ethan had sometimes.

She lay there for a moment, while he got lube from the drawer and squeezed some out, and she was co-operating enough she didn't go anywhere while he did, and pretended not to notice that awkward little pause.

He held her down and slid a finger up her ass, then two. She lay there and didn't stop him. He pushed his cock into her, which was a bit sudden, and she'd have said so except she actually wanted him to, a bit, despite herself.

He started fucking her, and let go of her arm, and that spoiled everything. So she tried to bang her elbow into him, backwards, to make him grab her again. He did, and she actually felt excited.

It still hurt, though, a little. She hadn't been nearly ready enough. It got worse, started to sting. "Hurry," she said. "I can't..."

He did. Then lay there on top of her while they both panted.

She was confused and a bit revolted by herself. Apparently she only wanted sex with Robert if he made her, and she really wasn't sure she was okay with that.

"I didn't like that," she said after a while.

"You seemed to."

"Go fuck yourself." She wriggled out from underneath him and sat up. He'd had a condom so she didn't need to run off to the bathroom straight away.

"I told you not to," she said.

He looked at her and didn't answer. She was right. She'd told him not to, and he kept going anyway, and to Robert, at least in theory, that was an unforgiveable sin.

"I don't like doing that," she said. "Not in my ass."

"You never minded before," he said.

"And now I do."

She sat there for a moment.

"Back then I did too," she said. "I just didn't tell you."

He seemed a bit hurt. "You should have said something."

"I am."

He nodded.

"Has it ever occurred to you," she said. "That we're both professors now. I'm a professor. And you're still trying to stick your cock up my bum like we were kids."

"I don't think our jobs have got anything to do with this."

"Yours doesn't. Mine does. I have a proof. People write about my work. In a few years I'm going to be tenured. And you want to ass-fuck me like I'm sixteen."

"I don't understand."

"Me either. Just don't do that, okay. I never liked it. It hurts."

He nodded.

He still seemed upset, and she felt bad.

"I don't mind doing things with you," she said. "Sometimes I like it. But I get sick of you just doing it without asking me."

"Yeah, I understand."

"Okay."

She sat. She wasn't sure why, until she suddenly realized she was expecting more. She'd been around Ethan too long. A guy came inside her, and she just hovered, waiting for him to start again.

That wasn't going to happen with Robert.

"I didn't come," she said.

"I know. Sorry."

She looked at him for a while, and decided he really wasn't getting the hint.

"Could you do something about that?" she said.

"Yeah," he said. "Of course."

He still didn't move.

"Well?" she said.

"Aren't you going to have a shower?"

She sat there for a while and wondered what to say. He stuck his cock up her ass without asking, and she ended up dirty and needing a shower before he'd put his tongue on a completely different part of her.

"Never mind," she said, and stood up.

"Beth..."

"Never mind."

She got herself off in the shower and by the time she'd finished, the whole sex thing seemed to have been forgotten.

*

Beth was missing Ethan. She wanted to see Ethan. There were other ways she could have organized it, but they would be complicated and take time out of her research and it was about to be poker night anyway. She wanted him at poker night. She wanted him to meet her friends, and pretend everything in her life was normal and Robert just wasn't here, and that the way things should have been evolving with Ethan by now would keep evolving anyway.

Sometimes she didn't make sense even to herself.

She phoned Amanda and said, "Can Ethan come to poker night?"

"Is he a girl?"

"Not really."

"Only girls at poker night."

"Please. Just this time?"

"Just go fuck him, then come find us."

"I want him to meet you all."

"Aw, that's kind of sweet."

"I know. So yes?"

"So maybe."

"We can have it at my place." They smoked cigars, so whoever's house it was stunk for a week. Everyone wanted poker night and no-one wanted to host it.

"Yep," Amanda said. "Deal. If no-one else minds."

"I'll ask."

"You will. And hey, Beth, remember he's poor and we're not. You might need to lend him money or something."

They played for fairly large amounts of money. Because when Amanda started it, she'd said that it wasn't fun unless you were playing for more than you wanted to lose. And they all had disposable income and no commitments and that wouldn't be the case forever, so they had. Getting your first academic job meant doubling your income at least. For Beth it had meant tripling it.

Beth phoned everyone, and pleaded and blackmailed, and in the end they all said yes. All were scientists, all early career over-achievers who needed an outlet. Keri in chemistry, Anna in mathematical physics, Sofia in computer science. Beth warned Sofia that Ethan might be one of her students, but she didn't seem to care. She seemed more interested in meeting him.