"How long have we been married?"
"Christ! Have I forgotten our anniversary again?"
"No, nothing like that... not yet anyway... you've got another six weeks. How long have we been married?"
"What brought this on?"
"Answer... the... question!"
"Don't poke your fingernail in my ribs like that! Ummmm... ahhhh... twenty-two... twenty-three years? Twenty-three years in six weeks!"
"I'm glad you had to think about it."
"What does that mean?"
"Oh, I dunno... I asked Morrie the same question the other day."
"Mournful Morrie at work..."
"Aaaaah, Mournful Morrie... he of the long and lugubrious look. So how long have you been married to Mournful Morrie then? ...Ouch!"
"Get serious for once! I asked him how long HE'd been married the other day. He knew instantly, even down to the hours and minutes... after he'd looked at his watch. I don't think he's all that rapt with married life."
"He's hardly a ball of fire himself... anyway, have you met his wife? At least I only have to shave once a day! ...Ouch!"
"That's really mean! I've always thought her a very nice person!"
"But you're not married to her! I'll bet you a dollar to a dollop of doggy doos that she wears the trousers in their house!"
"Hmmmm, I suppose you're right. Still, that's just the right and correct order of things isn't it? After all, I rule the roost around here!"
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Little does he know!"
"And I'll bet they've not had any nooky for the last ten years either!"
"I know the feeling."
"Aaaaaha! So that's what this is all about? Feeling a bit fruity are we? Blimey, it's not even the third Saturday in the month ye... Ouch! That really hurt!"
"One more crack like that my boy and I'll go straight for The Crown Jewels!"
"Ok then, My Love, what's bugging you?"
"I've been thinking..."
"Careful Johnny-Boy, "thinking women" either means trouble, or it's going to cost you a lot of money...or both!"
"You are living very dangerously...!"
"I suppose I've been thinking a lot because we're getting on for twenty-five years together... hmmmm...you're right, but don't let it go to your head though. But, we are at the "sex every third Saturday of the month" stage, aren't we...? We just don't connect much any more... it's like we live separate lives under the same roof..."
"What is this... some kind of mid-life crisis?"
"A mid-marriage crisis perhaps... what's happened to us, John?"
"Both having to work to pay off a huge mortgage, plus a set of lovely twins when they were kids who've turned into "The Teenagers From Hell" doesn't help... You switched off before me anyway..."
"You're the one who's always snoring by the time I get into bed!"
"Because you spend an hour plastering yourself with face cream and stuff..!"
"That's a gross exaggeration!"
"Well, half an hour then..."
"This conversation isn't going anywhere."
"You're right... so?"
"Well, on top of everything, I was thinking of how little we really know about each other; even after twenty-odd years of living together."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Put your arm around me and give me a cuddle... Mmmmm, that's nice... Well, I know we bared our souls to each other about our previous relationships when we decided that "us" was the next big thing. Neither of us got uptight about each other not being our "first", or even our "second" or our "third", did we...? And we have always been prepared to experiment and been open about our likes and dislikes when it comes to sex...you were so good about me not wanting to do anal again after that first time..."
"It's overrated anyway..."
"It was so painful! But you can keep on with the finger though; I like that, but not every time... there's more to my thoughts though..."
"Much earlier than "us"; before our first boyfriend and girlfriend even..."
"Aaaargh, the "scared of getting a hairy palm" days!"
"That's it! I want to know more about you from then."
"Did you masturbate a lot?"
"Of course! Didn't you?"
"Pretty much every night... except when I had my period... I tried it once, but it was too messy... want to share?"
"You mean you want to know all about me pulling my pud when I was a callow youth?"
"Does that bother you?"
"I suppose not."
"Do you still do it?"
"Pull my pud?"
"Yes, husband dear, do you still pull your pud?"
"Ummmm... yes... a bit... What about you, do you still get yourself off?"
"At least five or six times a week."
"Don't shout like that; you'll wake "Them"!"
"But five or six times a week! What ever happened to good old fashioned sexual intercourse with your husband?"
"The time is hardly ever right; one or the both of us are always "too tired"... and working up to it takes too long if I'm going to get anything out of it... And then there's "The Teenagers From Hell"... I'm sure Andy can hear us through the wall... he masturbates a lot by the way; I've found the evidence... and so does Trina... How often do you do it?"
"They're just normal horny teenagers... how do you know Trina gets herself off? Yeah, alright... back to the subject! Me...! Uummm... twice... three times... Jeez! I've never realised you are so horny! Where do you find the time?"
"Well, I usually have an hour or so to myself in the mornings before I go to work, after you've gone and the kids have left for school. I can often cum three or four times on the trot... and sometimes I nip into the loo when things are a bit slow at the office..."
"Phew! Aren't you scared of getting caught?"
"Actually, that's one of my fantasies... while I'm doing it there..."
"Who catches you?"
"Well, it is "Girls Only"!"
"You fantasise about being caught masturbating by one of the other women at work! Who?"
"It doesn't really matter... see how much you don't know about me... But that thing prodding my hip tells me someone is interested in learning...!"
"So what happens next?"
"Now? Or in my fantasy?"
"In your fantasy."
"Oh, lots of things can happen. She's never, ever shocked; in fact, she always takes charge. It depends on which one of the other girls gets to be my "fantasy" that day; they all have their different personalities. Like, one makes me bend over and show her my bare bum, and then she spanks me, before pushing several fingers in me from behind while I get my tits out and play with them. Another one pulls her panties down, then stands astride me and makes me eat her out while I do myself with my fingers. But my real favourite is the one who gets me to move so that I am sitting on the front edge of the toilet seat, and then she kneels between my legs and licks and fingers my pussy until I have an amazing orgasm."
"Bloody hell! Dare I ask if you fantasise about any of the guys?"
"Ha! Ha! Like Mournful Morrie?"
"Come on... there's other men in your office aside from Morrie. Some of them are pretty young and attractive..."
"Ooooo! Been casting our eye around have we?"
"Now who's being silly! I've been sizing up the competition, right?"
"Don't worry, there isn't any... not in the office anyway! But it's not all that bad, dear... When I do it here I often fantasise about you and me doing all kinds of exotic things... yes, you and me! Other times I imagine being with a nice young guy who needs teaching how to use his lovely cock properly... and then I go back to my favourite fantasy from when I was a girl...
"You're kidding me...!"
"And then there's Joe... we get together on the weekends when you are off playing golf and the kids are doing school sports... He's just a voice, but he's real...we talk dirty on the phone and do stuff while we make ourselves cum..."
"Are you saying you're having an affair?"
"I suppose I am in a way... but I've never met Joe in person... and never had any desire to do so...pretty impossible anyway: he lives somewhere in the American Mid-West... a long, long way from "Lil' Ole Noo Zealand"... he's just a guy with a hot imagination and a sexy voice..."
"How in the name of hell did you get to "meet" him?"
"You're shouting again...! I suppose it was Andy's fault for going to school and leaving his computer on with it logged on to a porn story site. I read several until I found a really hot one that I liked and sent the author an admiring email... the rest, as they say, is history... Are you mad at me?"
"Fucking stunned...! How do you talk to him? The phone bill doesn't show any international calls!"
"Never heard of Skype? Andy has it on his computer; you can talk to anyone in the world for free..."
"So you use our son's room as your little sex parlour...?"
"If you put it like that... Would you rather I was here on our bed doing it, and running up hundreds of dollars in toll calls? Anyway, I'm thinking of breaking it off 'cos Joe's starting to go a bit far... He keeps asking me to bring Trina in..."
"He wants cyber sex with you AND Trina?"
"Shouting...! Not quite... He wants us to pretend that he strips her naked and licks her all over, and then he takes her virginity while I "watch" and describe what I "see"... He's too late for the "virginity" bit though, she lost it ages ago..."
"How do you know that?"
"She told me."
"Ohhhhh...that's Ok then..."
"You've calmed down smartly! So, it was "Ok" for Trina to lose her cherry to some randy kid at school when she was fourteen? It was probably unprotected sex too! And it's "Ok" for me to lay on our son's bed and "fuck" a total stranger over the Internet as long as I keep our daughter out of it?"
"Now who's shouting! Fourteen...? I wonder who the dirty little bastard was! You really do it on Andy's bed?"
"It must have been that boy Patrick...the one who left school early and joined the Navy..."
"Ah, girls are alright, but there's nothing like "The Real Thing"!"
"Don't be filthy! Andy has this long extension lead to his headphones... it feels extra naughty doing it there, smelling him on the bedclothes..."
"It sounds like you are the depraved one! Surely you make a hell of a mess of his sheets?"
"That's why I change the bed linen every Saturday!"
"Female logic! What kind of "exotic things"...?"
"What kind of exotic things do you and I get up to?"
"A quick subject change, eh? Ohhhh, a bit of bondage... nipple clamps... spanking... rape... things like that... even anal is Ok as long as it's the vibrator... that's quite small..."
"You have nipple clamps... and you use them on yourself?"
"Don't they hurt? Vibrator...?"
"Yeah, but the pain makes my orgasm so... wow! Yes, I have a vibrator... and an artificial cock...""
"Not one of those fucking-great fifteen-inch-long things for Chrissakes...?"
"Of course not... it's only a little bit bigger than you are, but not much. I use it mostly when I'm with Joe... and in my favourite fantasy..."
"This is unbelievable! So, your really do "fuck" online!"
"Well, I have orgasms..."
"Who's the stud with the big cock you have fantasies about? Is it that young joker who loads your groceries into the car for you down at the supermarket? You're always very friendly with him..."
"I said "lovely cock" not "big cock"... and "He" is certainly not Billy! Billy is very sweet, but when you get talking to him you quickly realise that he's a few cents short..."
"If it's not Billy, then I'm picking it's that aerobics instructor down at your gym... I saw you slobbering over him when I picked you up the other evening..."
"Slobbering? Over Justin! I was just giving him a hug. Mmmmmm, he is young though... and he does have a super bod...! And judging by the bulge in his shorts he is wellll hung! But such a waste... he's gay, of course..."
"Ohhhh, well, what about..."
"Look darling, "He" is nobody in particular! What about you though... who do you imagine being with when you're rubbing that fine dick of yours? No, don't tell me... it's bound to be one of those young chicks with the pert little boobs and legs up to her armpits you get all bug-eyed about when we're at St Luke's!"
"No, honestly, you should see the way you stare..."
"A man can't go to jail for looking..."
"Hmmmmm, that's true. I can see some of them are quite tasty... even if they are "Jail Bait". Have you ever thought of trying your luck... with one of the more legal ones, that is?"
"As if... a Methuselah like me? If I did hit on one of them, she'd probably wet her pants laughing!"
"You could get a nice surprise! Don't put yourself down, John, you're quite tidy for "an older fella"... this is quite tidy too... alright if I hold it for a while?"
"Be my guest..."
"You can touch my pussy if you like..."
"Thought you'd never ask..."
"Aaaaaah, that's it... nice and soft and slow... you've always had good hands, you know..."
"Thank you... you're very wet..."
"Do you want to...?"
"No, not yet... I overheard Trina and her friend Shona talking about you the other day..."
"With Trina whinging about what a miserable old bastard I am, without a doubt...?"
"Quite the opposite...! The words like "choice" and "awesome", and "cute", and "bad", and "hot", and "stud", "cool" and "phat" were being used liberally ... and mostly from your daughter I might add...!"
"The "ph" spelling..."
"No, that's God's Truth! Tell me... do you ever imagine Trina when you're masturbating? Be honest... Oooooo, that provoked a reaction!"
"Come on, Sue! Katrina's my daughter... my own flesh and blood!"
"True... but, I wouldn't blame you... she's quite a "fox" isn't she...?"
"Takes after her mother..."
"Oh, thank you! You're so sweet! And she's "legal" age-wise! Let's face it; you wouldn't be the first father to fancy his daughter in that way, or the last... Don't be shy, you can tell me..."
"So that you won't feel so bad about your cyber-sex boyfriend...?"
"I must say you don't seem overly put out by "Him"... You got very huffy when I said he wanted me to include Trina though... dare I say jealous?"
"Just being a protective father... is there something wrong with that? Anyway, how do I know "Joe" is real...? You could have invented him to stir me up..."
"I suppose I could have... But the question is Trina..."
"I suppose the thought has crossed my mind..."
"While your hand was "crossing your cock"...?"
"I think I'll plead "The Fifth Amendment" on that question..."
"Your refusal to answer is taken as prima facie evidence of guilt... besides, this lovely stiff thing I'm holding twitched again... a dead giveaway!"
"A live one more like..."
"So, now we're into "what ifs", is that young stud with the "lovely cock" ever Andy?"
"Now that'd be telling!"
"Ok then, I will if you will..."
"Hmmmm, you go first..."
"Right...yes, I do fantasise about Trina sometimes... often..."
"Do you "fuck" her?"
"Mostly I just undress her and kiss her body until I reach her pussy..."
"Only "mostly"... do you ever imagine having her...?"
"Have you ever considered you might be able to do it with Trina for real?"
"Are you nuts? She'd scream and run a mile if I so much as mentioned it... and never speak to me again!"
"I wouldn't be so sure... not from the way she was talking to Shona... I "go all the way" with Andy."
"Do you now?"
"He really does have a lovely cock you know... I've seen it... hard..."
"Oh yes, when was that then?"
"I walked into his room one weekend afternoon... it must be three years ago now; when he was fifteen... he was lying on his bed with his eyes closed and his underwear around his ankles... and his lovely thing pointing at the ceiling... he was just holding and stroking it gently in his fingertips... enjoying the feelings..."
"He was all embarrassment, of course, but I controlled myself and just did what a good mother should do... I simply smiled and left the room as quickly as I could... much as I would have liked to stay and help him out! That was the first time I imagined being with Andy by the way... I couldn't help myself... I just had to come straight here and "relieve my feelings". He tried to apologise for what he was doing later, but I told him it was fine by me; he was only doing what every teenage boy in the world does... In your imagination, does Trina "suck" yours for you?"
"Good... because I "do it" to Andy!"
"How did we get to here?"
"We were going to tell each other about our misspent youths... but got diverted along the way... I had two favourite fantasies back then..."
"But sometimes I didn't need a fantasy; just doing it was enough...
"This boy needs "pictures"... what about your fantasies?"
"One always involved another girl..."
"This fella here thinks so too: he jumped again..."
"So, what did you do with this girl?"
"Well, at first, before I learned a bit more about what it could be like, just "being" with her in my mind was enough... kissing... holding hands... that kind of stuff... I was pretty naïve..."
"Before you learned...? Do I read into that you actually had an experience with another girl?"
"Didn't you experiment with any of your mates?"
"No...but I knew some guys who did."
"Pity, I would have liked to hear about it..."
"It was my cousin, Becky... she's the same age as me. You've never met her... Uncle Arthur and Auntie Chris went to live over in Perth a couple of years before you and I got together. When I was thirteen, I went to stay with them for a couple of weeks at their place in Hahei during the school holidays. It was a lovely spot, right on the beach, but very small, unlike the gin palaces over there today. There was only a living room come kitchen and three tiny bedrooms. Uncle and Auntie had the biggest one, while my cousins, Jeff and Bob had the next one in size. Becky's room was the smallest and we had to share the bed."
"Mmmmmm, it was! Anyway, on the first night it just seemed to happen that we started cuddling while we talked girlie things... and then there was a kiss... soft and innocent... and then another, and another. Before long we were twined around each other like a couple of snakes... it was like we couldn't get close enough. And then Becky started humping on my thigh, probably without realising she was doing it, and I started doing the same..."
"That's how you got off with her for the first time?"
"No, not in the least! Actually, the thigh-humping bit doesn't do much for you at all... it's all a myth that girls orgasm doing that... they only put it in porn movies 'cos you guys find it sexy! And as for girls rubbing their clits together and getting to cum... that's physically impossible! Nevertheless, Becky and I were getting really worked up... it was so exciting feeling her body writhing against mine like that... I wanted to cum so badly, and I knew she wanted it too, but we were getting nowhere. But, I knew all about doing myself with my fingers, so I took a chance and pushed my hand between her legs and started rubbing her through her pyjamas. I thought she would freak out, but she didn't. Instead, she had her own hand between my legs in an instant. That's how we made each other cum that first time."
"And after that?"
"Well, the next night Auntie Chris couldn't believe that Becky and I wanted to go to bed so early! Just rubbing through each other's pyjamas wasn't enough though; before long we had our hands inside and were touching through our panties. It took us a couple more nights to pluck up the courage to take the next step... feeling her naked wetness for the first time just blew me away! By the second week we weren't even bothering with nightwear at all; it was a race to see who could get into bed stark naked first! And we learned how nice it was to have our breasts touched, not that either of us had much "up top", and other parts of our bodies too."