Reaching Out

When the last dish was done and put away James turned to Dana. She looked at his chest.

"Thank you for helping. I appreciate it." He said, knowing that this simply courtesy was important for her. She didn't answer, but smiled a bit and reached out to give his hand a brief squeeze before leaving. James hoped that he was making progress with her. It felt like he was, but he thought he may just be making progress with her interacting with the family, and that she may still may have all the same trouble with the rest of the world. He hoped she would be able to cope with the outside world. He felt she deserved that, at the very least.

---

Later that night, before bed, James went to Dana's room and knocked on the door. She opened the door and he stepped in. The only light was the small lamp. James got the feeling that it was the only light she ever used. He looked over to Dana and stopped. She was wearing sweatpants and a gauzy thin t-shirt that clearly showed everything underneath. Her breasts were readily apparent.

"Uh, Dana, that shirt is pretty see through. Did you know that?" He said, turning away, feeling like he should have turned away far sooner than he actually did.

Dana looked down and crossed her arms over her breasts.

"Oh." She said faintly before putting her robe on over the shirt and closing it. "Sorry. I didn't think about that." She said, her face bright red. She went to the bed and sat, letting her hair cover her face.

James went and sat next to her. She scooted away and turned her face away from him. He frowned and asked what was wrong. She glanced at him quickly before looking back down at his legs.

"My shirt. You didn't want to see that. But I didn't think about it and you saw, and now you are probably disgusted." She said, her voice sounding small and uneven.

James cupped her chin his hand and turned her face up to his so he could look her in the eye.

"Dana, I could never be disgusted by you." He said each word slowly and with emphasis. When he released her she held his gaze. "I just didn't know if you knew the shirt was that revealing. I figured you did not want me to see you that way. That's all. I wasn't disgusted or anything. How could I be? You are very pretty and you have a lovely body." He said.

She looked at him a moment longer before looking back to his legs.

"I don't know." She said simply.

"About what?"

"About me being pretty. I don't think that I am." She said quietly. Her hands were wringing themselves a bit.

"You may not think so, but I do. So does mom and dad. So did a bunch of my friends in high school. So do many people who see you. Whether you think you are or not, others do." He said. Dana looked up at this and smiled a little. She opened her mouth to say something, paused, then closed it again and looked down.

"What is it?" He asked quietly.

"It's nothing. It was something stupid." She said, shaking her head a little.

"Dana, it's me. Remember? You can ask or tell me anything. What is it?"

"Am I. Would someone. I mean, would I be attractive to somebody? I guess that's what I wanted to ask." She said, stumbling over the words, her face blushing madly. She was looking down at her hands as they thrashed around her lap, wringing mercilessly.

James put his hands over hers, and they stilled immediately. When she looked up she saw that he was smiling and his face was kind and caring.

"Of course you are attractive. You may not feel that way, or you may not know if you feel that way, but you are. Very much so." He said softly.

She smiled and put her arms around him, pressing her burning cheeks to his chest, hiding her smile against his shirt. He held her and rubbed her back, happy that he could make her smile. He really did think that she was pretty, and he could not deny that the sight of her in the translucent shirt had grabbed attention like a steel vice. He felt a little troubled that he was having such thoughts and feelings about his sister, especially given her uniquely vulnerable state of mind, but he pushed it aside. The need to help her trumped any troubles he may have.

Dana looked up at James and James found himself under her sharp, focus gaze again, this time from only inches away. The effect was powerful.

"How do I know that I am attractive? How can I tell if someone likes me?" She asked, her soft voice a contradiction to her hard stare. Without thinking James leaned forward and kissed her. Her lips were soft and warm. She was still a moment before pressing back against him. Her arms tightened around him. When James' mind finally turned back on he wondered what the hell he was doing. He broke the kiss and leaned back, being careful to do so slowly, without looking like he had suddenly come to his senses.

"Dana. I don't know why I did that. I wasn't thinking. I don't think it's something we should have done. I'm sorry." He said, his voice and words hesitating and embarrassed. He was blushing as deeply as Dana now. She was still holding onto him, but looking down to his chest.

"I know. I shouldn't have kissed back but it felt good. I've never kissed anyone before." She said.

James let his hands slide from around her and he sat back a little on the bed, trying to get a little space between them. He was desperately trying to figure out how to repair this damage to their fragile relationship that they had built over the last few days.

"No judgment, right James?" She asked suddenly, looking down at the bed between them.

"Uh, yes. No judgment. I'm not blaming you for what happened, it was my fault, I-" He began.

"That's not what I meant. I was asking." She said. Her cheeks were getting red again.

"Yes, no judgment. What is it?" He asked, worried that he knew what she was going to say.

"Kiss me again, please." She said softly. She was still looking down at the bed, but her eyes were darting between the bed and his legs. He was torn. He did not want to refuse her and possibly hurt her feelings and self-esteem, not to mention the no judgment trust they had established, but he did not think that kissing her again could lead to anything good either. After a moment he decided. He scooted toward her and put his palm on her cheek, letting his fingers sink into her thick, smooth hair. The ball of his thumb ran lightly across her cheekbone, just under her eye, and he leaned in and kissed her again.

This time her response was immediate. Her arms went around his neck and held tight. His other hand found and rested lightly on her hip. She made a small moaning sound deep in her throat and he felt her open her lips. He was surprised to feel her tongue flick cross his lips twice before she pulled away. She was smiling widely and had her lower lip trapped lightly in her teeth when she pulled back. She simply stared at his chest and caught her breath.

"Dana, that was nice. But I don't think it's something we should do. It's not something siblings usually do." He said, a little out of breath himself. It was hard to say that they should not continue with it as he very much so wanted to kiss her again. He found that he wanted to kiss her and hold her and more. It was a very guilt ridden and confused array of feelings and thoughts. But he had to put her needs and well-being before any of his simple desires. What he wanted was nothing compared to what she needed. He knew that.

"I know. I just wanted to try it when I was ready for it. In case I never get a chance to kiss someone." She said, her voice sad and hushed. James almost started crying when he heard that.

"Please don't say that Dana, I am sure you will meet someone eventually that you can be with. You may not think it can happen, but it can, in time. You won't be alone forever." He said, not sure that it was the truth, but hopeful.

"I may not though. I doubt I will. I wanted to have a chance now while I could. That is all. I am sorry if it bothered you." She said, turning away from him. He was quiet a moment, just trying to think. It seemed like his mind was trying to work through a wall of thick mud.

"It doesn't bother me, really." He finally managed to say, taking her hand. "I'm just saying that it's not something we should do. It doesn't bother me to kiss a beautiful woman. Far from it. But please don't think that you will be alone forever. I don't think you will be." He said.

Dana was quiet for a while, turning his hand over and running her fingers along the lines of his palm. She looked like a palm reader you might see on the board walk without all the hokey costume and accent.

"If I wasn't your sister, would you want to be with me?" She asked. Her voice hitched when she said sister, and she was close to tears. Her fingers kept tracing their lines.

"Yes. Yes I would." James answered immediately. It was the truth. He knew that a relationship like that would be very difficult to start and hard to maintain, but he would try. For a woman like Dana, he would try very hard indeed.

"Ok." Dana said. She released his hand and went still again.

---

Almost like clockwork, James woke up early. Just after three. He sat up and saw Dana. She was sitting next to the couch like usual. She had her sketch pad next to her, but did not try to hide it or run away. She was in her sweatpants and the translucent shirt. She was not wearing a bra, and her body was on clear display, as it was before. She made no effort to hide it, though she still would not look James in the eye.

"Dana, that shirt," He began as his back crackled

"I know. You said you were worried about if I was worried about what you saw. I am not. I am ok with you seeing my body." She said. She sounded a little unsure of herself, but that was normal and James could not tell if it was because she did not know how he would react to her display or if it was her usual timidity.

"Alright. I guess if it doesn't bother you, then there is no reason for it to bother me." James said, very unsure of the logic, but careful not to show any kind of rejection. He knew he had to be very cautious with any rejection he gave.

"Could we talk? If it's ok?" She asked.

"Of course."

"Ok. Let's go to my bed, please."

"More comfortable there." He said, not quite a question.

"Yes. It's where I draw, where I think, where I read. It is my sanctuary. Mom and dad do not come into my room. They do not step past the door. They know I don't like it." She said as they went up the stairs.

"Then why do you let me in?" He asked. He was getting better on the stairs, only three creaks came from underfoot.

"You're different. You always have been. Now you are a kind of safe zone as well. No judgment. So you can't harm my sanctuary." She explained. They sat on the bed in the dark, James blind and Dana with minimal vision.

"I like talking to you. It isn't easy, and it doesn't always feel good to do it, but I think I should be talking to you more." She said quietly.

"Well I like talking to you as well. It is good to see you talking more, communicating. Mom is scared that you will keep yourself closed away from the world forever. I don't think you will. Not if you are starting to talk more. It is a good start." He replied.

"I don't think I'll ever be like most people, but I think I may be able to talk to people a little bit someday." She said. James was finding that having these conversations in the dark were strange but enjoyable. He could not see her; her expressions, her reactions. He knew that she could not see his either. It made them weigh the responses entirely by the voice and the words. Inflection and tone were as important as definition and context. It was a novel experience.

"I don't think it would be good to be like most people. I think you should be yourself, but I hope that you can one day be yourself around other people, so that you are not alone."

"I would like that, I think." She said. He could hear the hint of a chuckle at the end of her words and he knew the idea delighted her more than she was letting on.

"Have you given much thought to the type of person you would like to be with? In a relationship, I mean." He asked. She was silent. He had enough time to wonder if he had made a mistake in asking when he felt a hand brush his arm. She pulled his hands around her waist as she laid down, taking him with her, so that he was spooned behind her. James supposed it was all the answer he really needed.

"So someone like me then." He said softly into the back of her neck.

"Something like that." She whispered. She sounded sad, and he knew what she meant as soon as she said it.

"Dana, we couldn't. You have to know that." He said. He could hear the strain in his own voice, and hated it. It clearly showed that he wanted to but was saying otherwise.

"I know. But that's just the way it is. It's the way I feel. I can't help it." She answered. Her hands tightened on his on her stomach and she pressed a little more firmly against him.

"I'm not saying not to feel that way, because people can't help the way they feel. I'm saying that we can't be together. How would we? Mom and dad would, well, I don't even know how they would react. We couldn't marry or anything like that. Children would be risky genetically. There are many reasons, cultural and practical, why we couldn't Dana." He said, trying to be gentle but firm.

"I know. But it's the way I feel." She answered simply. He could not argue that her answer encompassed everything his did in far less words. It covered everything that mattered. It was a simple truth.

They held each other in silence for a while. James was wondering if Dana had fallen asleep when she rolled over in his arms. He felt the tip of her nose on the tip of his. He ran his finger from her eye to her mouth like he used to and felt wetness. She was crying.

"No judgment, right?" She asked softly. Her hands were resting on his chest, her fingers rubbing back and forth in small arcs.

"No judgment." He confirmed, his voice a little hoarse.

He felt her lips peck at his lightly, there and gone. She kissed him several times, each a little longer than the last. The last one she held for a long time, letting her tongue taste his lips, his teeth, the tip of his tongue, before she pulled back with a small whimpering sound in her throat. James did not know what to do or say. He simply kissed her forehead and held her tighter.

---

When the sun began to brighten the room Dana stood up and went to her closet. She did not wait for James to leave before changing. He was still sitting up when she pulled off her shirt. He had just stood as she dropped her sweatpants. When she stood in just her panties, she looked up to him, her face a careful neutral, her eyes clear and sharp. James simply looked back at her for a moment. She was beautiful. He walked to her slowly, stopping when he was directly in front of her. She looked down to his chest, her cheeks going red as he approached. James put a finger under her chin and tilted her head up to his. He kissed her gently and moved his mouth next to her ear.

"You are beautiful." He whispered. With that, he turned and left. He did not trust himself to stay any longer.

James started the coffee maker and stood at the counter, watching it brew, leaning against the fridge. His mind was a whirlwind. He had no idea how to proceed. He felt like he was adrift in a stormy sea. He turned when he heard the clump of feet on the stairs. His dad came in, dressed and shaved but still looking half asleep. His mother was right behind. She looked completely awake and alert, like she did every morning.

"Coffee will be up soon." James said, taking a seat. His mother sat next to him.

"How is it going with Dana? I know you two have been spending a bit of time together. Has she been talking?" She asked, the anxiety on her face was clear.

James wondered how she would react if he told her everything that he and Dana had been discussing and doing. He had to fight to suppress a chuckle that wanted to escape at the thought.

"We've been talking a bit. She's doing better. But this is a process, it's not something that will happen overnight. This will probably take years, so don't be surprised or critical when she runs away from conversations or situations in the future, but yes, she has been talking more." James began. He saw his mother's face instantly flood with relief. Any progress was more than welcome with her.

"She is very smart, and very observant, but she simply does not understand a lot of social interactions. It's just not there." He explained.

"Well, what have you two been talking about?" She asked. This was a question that James expected but nearly dreaded. He did not want to keep anything from his parents, but he would not betray his sister's confidence either.

"I'm sorry, mom, but I promised her that what we talked about would remain between Dana and I. Please understand that. She is scared of saying the wrong things to people, so telling you what she says would be the same as her talking to you in her mind. Do you see how she sees it?" James said, trying to lay it out as clear as he could.

"Yes, I think so. I would like to know what you are talking about, but I won't force it. You're both adults, after all. Well, just let me know if she needs anything. She won't tell me if she does." Mom said, frowning.

James gave a mental sigh, happy that she had understood. He really did not want to have to argue the point with her. He would have if she had pressed, but that did not mean he wanted to.

---

When Dana walked in from work, James was sitting on the couch, tooling around on his laptop. He set it aside when she came in. She smiled wide when she saw him standing up. She walked directly over to him, tossing her gloves onto the little stand where she left them on her way, and wrapped her arms around him. She wouldn't look up to his face, but she would hold him tight the way his former lovers had.

"Hello." She said.

"Hello." He answered. She turned her face up to his, her bottom lip caught in her teeth, her face looking hopeful. James smiled a bit and leaned forward and kissed her. She returned it strongly. When she backed down she rested her head back on his chest.

"Mom tried to get me to talk today. She tried a lot. I was scared, but I didn't leave. I said I didn't know." She said. James could feel her shaking a little as she said it.

"Well, that's good, isn't it? You didn't run away. That's a step in the right direction I would think. What was she saying that scared you?" James asked.

"She wanted to know how I came up with the designs for the purses and stuff she sells. I told her I didn't know. She said it must come from somewhere. I got scared and said I don't know . She said but I must know somehow. I almost cried. She gave up, but she didn't look mad." Dana explained. James could feel her trembling as she spoke, the fear clearly returning as she thought through it again.

"It sounds like you did just fine." James said quietly, one hand rubbing her back, the other running slowly through her hair, trying to calm her down. "It's ok to be scared. Everyone gets scared. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I think you did very well." He soothed. Dana was calming down quickly as he spoke. Her hold on him was still tight, but it was every time she hugged him.

"I was afraid she would be mad that I couldn't tell her where the designs come from." Dana said, her voice a little rough. James looked down and saw that she had begun to cry. She was calmer, the tears were just late to appear. "I don't know where they come from, but she didn't believe that. I can't tell her anything else because it wouldn't be true. If she doesn't believe the truth, what am I supposed to do? I felt like I was stuck. Like I was trapped." She explained. Her voice was muffled, as she had turned her face into his chest, hiding as best she could.