Recipes For Quick And Witty Repliesbylikegoodwine©
By Likegoodwine copyright July 2013
Here are three very short stories for you. If you think that the theme of cheating wives is too touchy to be treated with some humor, don't read. Personally I believe that love and humor heals everything. This story was ready way before the last one (Nothing to talk about) but as I had two stories a bit harsh and serious I Kept this one to insert in between. It was written for my enjoyment and for your entertainement.
Thank to Scalia for his patient editing.
Your votes and constructive comments are appreciated, as they will help me grow.
1. Recipe for 'each our needs'
- a not so loving wife
- a would be lover
- a smart ass
- an adulterous divorced colleague
- a decisive husband
- some violence
- a pinch of humor
- an attorney
Mix together a loving wife, a would-be lover, a divorced colleague, and a husband.
The cigarette smoke was so thick in the bar that it was almost impossible to see the crowd when I came in from the outside. That and the stingy lighting! I stepped inside and waited for my vision to adjust to the dim light. Next time the question comes on the ballot, I will vote for the ban on restaurant smoking.
I started looking around as soon as I was able to see the features on peoples' faces.
Finally, I recognized my wife, Martha, sitting at a table in a dark booth. Along with her were her good friend, Nancy, and a couple of young guys in their early 20's. Oblivious to everybody, Nancy was sharing spit with one of the guys. My wife was sitting with her back to me. The guy next to her had his arm over her shoulder, with his hand resting gently on the top of her breast. As the music was loud, he was talking to her with his lips close to her ear. At one moment, he stopped talking, kissed her ear and gave it a little lick. Martha giggled. His fingers were starting to caress the top of her breast.
Five minutes after my arrival, I was still waiting for Martha to stop him. She never did, and not a fool, he was always upping his game. Now they were kissing a storm and he was caressing her breasts through he fabric of her blouse with his free hand. When he started to unbutton her blouse, I knew it was time for me to intervene because Martha wasn't going to do it by herself.
Add some violence.
I grabbed the middle finger of the guy's hand resting on Martha's shoulder and started to force it backward. It sure stopped his assault on Martha's breasts. And the pain made him as compliant as a lamb.
"Ouch! What the fuck are you doing? Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" said the breast molester.
I was tempted to snap his finger but decided against it and I released it. A shocked Martha was looking at me while her friend Nancy was smirking.
"What the fuck, you mother fucker, what was that for?" said the eloquent breast molester while rising from his seat.
Taste. Add some violence as desired.
The young man was now at eye level with me.
"I did that, dip-shit, to remove your hand from my wife's breasts," I said.
"Well, if you were man enough, I wouldn't have to take care of your wife for you, mother fucker," replied the breast abuser. "Now move along, I'm not finish with her."
And he pushed me. Big mistake! I grabbed him by his collar and head-butted him as hard as I could. I heard his nose snap and the blood started to flow. I let him go and he was bleeding all over my wife. His friend rose from his seat, probably in an attempt to avenge his friend. He was in an awkward position, stuck between Nancy and the wall so I simply pushed him back and grabbed an empty bottle of beer.
"You stay down or I fuckin' cut your pretty face with a broken bottle," I said. He didn't move.
Add an attorney and a pinch of humor.
Martha was trying to stop the bleeding from her young man. She turned toward me furious.
"Why did you come here? I told you earlier that I needed to take a lover. I told you that your long hours at work and my loneliness were too much to bear. Why don't you let me do it?" she said looking at Nancy who was giving her two thumbs up. "I am not your slave. My body is mine alone."
"I am here only to give you my answer," I said. "Earlier, you took me by surprise. I was speechless. You said you needed to take a lover. Well you also need to take an attorney. As of now, all your shit is at the curb and I will file for divorce tomorrow. You said that your body is yours alone. Well yeah! And keep it. It's all yours from now on."
There was a half full (I am an optimist at heart) pitcher of draught beer on the table. I took it and looked at Nancy who was without a doubt the person behind my wife new frame of mind.
"Nancy, thanks for being such a good friend," I said as I poured all the liquid on her.
What a waste. The beer I mean!
Serve hot or cold.
2. Quick recipe for 'Why I did that'.
- a wife,
- a husband,
- many pictures,
- some emotion,
Mix all ingredients and quickly cook them in the boiling emotion.
Martha was sitting at the kitchen table, crying her heart out. Pictures were scattered on the tabletop. There were pictures of Martha in different sexual positions with another man.
"I am so sorry," said Martha between every bouts of sobbing. "So very, very sorry."
I didn't say a word. I couldn't. It would either be obscenities or swear words.
"Please believe me when I say that I love you," said Martha. "Don't doubt it for a second. I never meant to hurt you. I love you and I don't know what I will do without you."
My goodness, can she spill a more oxymoronic cliché? I was ready to bolt and leave the house.
"It was a mistake, but it was just sex," said Martha. "There is no harm to our love. It's nothing. Its just sex."
I got up, searched through my briefcase and threw another envelope on the table. Martha was wary to take it.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's nothing. It is just paper," I said. "Divorce papers!"
Add dry humor (optional).
"Honey, I love you, we can make it work," she said.
"You might be right. You love me so we are half way there. It's too bad you killed my love for you..."
Add sarcasm humor (optional).
"I didn't mean to hurt you," she said, tears running down her cheek.
"I didn't mean to hurt you lover either when I kicked him in the balls."
Finish with deadpan humor (optional).
"Honey, don't do this. It's only a little affair," she said
"Honey, it's only a little divorce."
Unable to take anymore of her shit, I got up.
"And don't take it personal, but fuck you, bitch!"
3. Recipe for 'We need to talk'.
- a not so loving wife
- a delicious cooked meal
- an almost unsuspecting husband
- a gorgeous head turner at the office
- favorite spice
Mix all the ingredients by mashing them together.
I knew something was wrong the moment I came home from work. Instead of the usual supper of a Kraft dinner, Martha had cooked a pot roast. But instead of smelling the delicious roasted meat, I smelled a rat that just crawled out of the sewer. Well, I have known for weeks that something was wrong in my marriage. But with that pot roast, I now had a feeling it would all come out tonight. All I needed to know that my world would be coming down all around me was for Martha to have sex with me tonight.
After supper we went to the living room to watch TV. Martha sat beside me on the couch (no way I could lay down now, dammit!) and glued herself to me. Soon her hands were all over me, stroking my cock through the fabric of my pants. After a while, she unzipped me and had my cock out in the open, but only briefly as it fast disappeared in her mouth.
Something was sure wrong in my marriage.
I almost lost my erection. 'Almost' is the key word of course. I wouldn't miss out on my once a year blowjob. It's not even my birthday. It is with trepidation that I watched to see if Martha would bring me to completion with her blowjob, something that she always refused. My hands on her head, I followed her bobbing movement. Out of respect, I told her that I was getting real close. Her hand started to go up and down faster on the shaft of my cock. Within seconds she had me shoot in her welcoming mouth, and swallowed every drops.
"Oh my God! Allah be blessed! What was that all about Honey?" I asked. "Is something wrong?"
"Well Bob, I wanted to get you in a good mood because we need to talk," answered Martha.
I knew it. Shit! She needed to talk. I was now waiting for the next shoe to drop.
"There's something missing in our marriage," she said. "After seven years, it is kind of flat. I think we need to expand our horizon a bit. I think we should open our marriage. Would you be willing to give it a try?"
As soon as the words 'open marriage' came out of her mouth, I knew we were done as a couple. I had known for a while that she had reacquainted herself with a former boyfriend, but I now knew that she wanted to go to bed with him.
I extracted myself from her embrace and got up quickly from the couch. She recoiled from me. I think she expected me to become angry, start a fight and give her a reason to storm out of the apartment to go to her 'sister'.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed a number. I turned toward Martha, giving her a thumb up.
"Good idea Honey!" I said. I simply loved the total dismay written all over her face. "Hi Stephanie! It's me Bob... You remember what you offered me at the last Christmas party?... Yeah that! (I giggled). Well, my situation changed and you're on... Now? Sure no problem. I should be there in 30 minutes. See you later." I disconnected the call.
Dismay had been replaced by a glimpse of anger on Martha's face. She really didn't like Stephanie. As a matter of fact, Stephanie is such a gorgeous woman that all guys are slobbering idiots around her and all women become insufferable jealous hating bitches around her. She is that gorgeous.
I grabbed my coat and went for the door.
"Don't wait for me Honey! I might come back home late," I said when I reached and opened the door.
"But," said my wife.
I shut the door on her.
I drove straight for the Best Western at the edge of town. There was no standing offer from Stephanie. My earlier phone call was to my answering service at work. It was only a ploy to get out of the apartment and have time to think.
I knew that we were done as a married couple as soon as the question passed her lips. I knew why and I guess the when was around the corner.
Sizzled everything at high temperature and add some spice as desired
The next day at work, I had to inform Stephanie that she was my new mistress. Instead of being offended, she simply started to laugh. She had sensed Martha's animosity toward her and there was a mutual loathing between the two women. She even offered to play the enamored mistress if the need arose.
Later that morning I phoned my attorney and asked him to start the divorce paper work.
I reappeared home after work. Martha was in the kitchen, stirring at some canned stew already bubbling in a pan.
"Hi Honey," I said, smelling over the pan. "Wow! You outdid yourself again tonight."
She threw her wooden spoon violently in the pan.
"You've got nerve to come in here like if nothing was wrong," she snapped at me. "You didn't even come home last night. What did you do with that skank?"
"Tut! Tut! Tut! Honey" I said. "You know my motto. Don't kiss and tell. And I will respect your privacy too."
"But we didn't discuss nothing," said Martha.
"That's because there was nothing to discuss. I am pretty sure you had it all pretty figured out," I said. "And it was the best idea you had since you decided to marry me. Thanks! Thanks! And a thousand thanks! Stephanie send her regards too and is very thankful"
And my cell phone rang. It couldn't happen at a more appropriate moment. Perfect timing!
"Hey Hi sweetheart!" I said when I got the expected phone call from Stephanie. "Yeah! It was fabulous..." and I started to laugh.
I laugh for many seconds.
"Yeah it was the funniest moment I've had in the last few years... I feel like a young teenager again...Me too... No, I love you more... More... Very much more... Ok see you tomorrow at work, but no more ass grabbing, the boss might take offense at that."
Martha's was trying to keep her anger in check but she wasn't very successful. We spent a very shitty evening together, her brooding, me talking about the virtues of Stephanie.
After a while Martha just stood up.
"Stephanie this, Stephanie that," she said. "Why don't you just go and fuck her?"
"Er, she's busy tonight" I said. "And I am still weak from last night."
Martha just stormed from the living room and slammed the bedroom door real hard behind her.
The next day, Martha was served with divorced papers and she probably discovered upon returning home that all my stuff was gone. The apartment was now under her name only and all our joint accounts were closed.
We kept our conversation to a minimum. Each time she asked for something, I told her that I had to talk it out with Stephanie first before I commit to anything. She always hung up on me. The divorce went without any problems, as there was almost no money to divide.
Serve hot. Suggested dessert: apple of my eyes
One evening, two years later, I was sitting at a table with a new friend at my usual haunt. Out of nowhere Martha appeared in front of me with her former new boyfriend in tow. I had a feeling he didn't really want to be here.
"What a surprise," said Martha. "Well I want to inform you that I am moving back to my hometown with Brad."
I don't know if she wanted to make me jealous or not, but she failed as I simply sat there with a smirk on my face.
She offered her hand to my friend.
"Hi I am Martha," Martha said. "I am Bob's ex-wife."
I looked behind the couple and saw a familiar figure walking this way. I put enough napkins on my friend's laps to absorb all liquid.
"And the guy with her," I said, "is Brad. He lost the bet."
Stephanie arrived at the table and kissed me right away before I start slobbering.
I turned toward my friend, who was already slobbering all over himself: "And I won!"
And it is true. The most amazing thing is that Stephanie and I hit it off right away and we are about to get married.
Martha left us alone dragging her slobbering boyfriend. The barmaid came from the backroom with a pail and a mop. She wasn't too happy to see Stephanie around with all the drooling she had to remove from the floor.
Stay tuned! Next week we will try some culinary experiments with the following ingredients: a big fat turkey, a small pickle, and a couch potato. All readers are invited to send their best recipe.