Reflections on My First Punishment

i still have a sore ass, and it's been 24 hours since we were together. Right now i'm reclining precariously on my couch, on my side, with my lappie on a snack tray because i cannot put pressure on my bottom.

i'm thoroughly worn out from our rendezvous. my armpits ache, my thighs ache, my ass is throbbing. Yesterday it felt as though 100,000 splinters were nestled in the soft curve of my butt and my upper thighs. So today's throbbing is an improvement, i suppose.

Speaking of improvements, i think You will see a change in Your sub following our time together yesterday.

It is amazing what the sound of Your voice and the resounding whack of the paddle reverberating in my head, combined with the impact which came with every word thundering around me, emphatic, stern, demanding, has had on my desire to do Your will.

Did each word underscore the swift impact of every whack of the wood against my tender ass? or did the paddle underscore Your every word?

i can't recall word for word what You commanded, but it was something to the effect of "you! will! never! leave! me! again! I! will! decide! when! you! leave!"

i think the tone of Your words, and the words themselves were more devastating than that friggen piece of wood You wield so mightily. I'm talking about the paddle, Sir, not Your cock. we can discuss that later.

i don't know if i cried, but i remember babbling, "i'm sorry! i'm sorry! i'll never break up with You again" over and over. and over again.

At some point You made me list out loud all the things i have done, all the ways i've misbehaved. At first it was funny, but as the barely audible list continued to grow, i stopped smiling and started stammering. i broke up with You again. i did not send You my journal daily. i questioned You. i quibbled. constantly. i did not do my tasks. i hesitated before responding to Your commands. i defy You. i'm jealous at times. i don't trust You. i demanded things of You. You constantly have to remind and correct me of what is expected of me.

This is not good. More than six months ago, after due consideration, i agreed to be Your sub. i just didn't know what i was getting into. i thought it was like role playing and i did not taken it seriously. Until yesterday.

Even though You've repeatedly shown me since that it is NOT roleplaying i dismissed the D/s thing when it got too hard. But, Sir.i see now. This is real. You are real. i am real. W/we are real.

You do own me. It seems this revelation becomes more clear every day. And Yesterday You showed me who my Master can be. You Mastered me.

And also, i think You quenched my curiosity for the paddle and to see what i can take. i'll not bait You. i'll not be joking around about that anymore. thankYouverymuch.

What i find so amazing is what happened as a result of the paddling. How one second every fibre of my body screamed and clenched with every blow, pain shooting through me like shards of glass flowing with my blood.

Then, only when You told me to breathe did everything begin to ease up. The shards of glass melted away, the blows seemed to soften to feathery caresses. i felt my shoulders relax, my hands unclench, my body began to float.

The darkness of the blindfold embraced me, the darkness, Your voice- it all soothed me, anaesthetised me. i didn't feel anything any more. No paddle, no pain, no bed, no achey arms from being tied. no sore knees or cramped back. The whacks became non existent although i still felt You caressing my butt with the same rhythm, but not the same intensity. i thought You were easing the blows, giving me a rest. i found peace. i found desire. i found pleasure. and then i came and came, with You whispering in my ear.

You told me afterwards, after the blindfold came off, after You unbound my arms from behind my back and helped me onto the bed. You told me afterwards that the whacks were the same, if not harder at the end.

And that, You said, is the difference between punishment whacks and pleasure whacks. Punishment whacks are quick, unrelenting, without preliminary preparations. Delivering a painful message. Pleasure whacks are gentle, loving, timed to crescendo in bliss and pleasure.

So i understand spankings now.

And ropes. You tie me in ropes so i can't get away, or move and hurt myself. When You know my reaction is going to be to run or flee when You do something new, or more severe than i'm used to being dealt from You.

i have a new respect for the ties that bind. the paddle. and You.

i love You, my Master, my Dom, and Owner of my heart, mind, soul and body- especially my ass.

Ys,

squish