Remembering You

I gained consciousness slowly, the world around me drifting in and out of coherence. I was lying on my back and the room was very quiet, save for the beeping of the heart monitor sitting next to the bed. The lights were dim and all I could make out in the gloom were the faint cream squares of the ceiling tiles above me, like a checkerboard in one muted color.

Attempting to sit up, I found I couldn't, as if my muscles had forgotten how to function properly. I opened my mouth to call out, ask someone where I was. I mean, besides the obvious fact that I was in a hospital. My vocal chords didn't seem to want to work either. I shut my eyes and tried to remember before the blackness from which I had emerged only moments before. There was nothing.

A name....can I even remember a name? Nothing. Nothing at all. The door abruptly opened and an older man in a white lab coat stood there. He froze in the doorway, clearly surprised.

"Mr. Brennan, you're awake?"

He seemed startled, but framed his statement as a question. I nodded my head, opened my mouth and, after what seemed like a herculean effort, replied.

"Yes. Ummm, yes, it seems like it..."

My own voice sounded strange, foreign to me. I opened my mouth again.

"Mr. Brennan... yes. John Brennan, that's me."

It came to me in a flash, but the rest was still empty. No recollection of anything else. Not what had happened, how I'd ended up in a hospital, nothing.

"Yes, Mr. Brennan. That's your name - we found a wallet when we found your body."

He moved to the heart monitor and pulled a blood-pressure cuff from a small compartment on the side of the beeping machine. He secured it around my arm and began pumping it full of air.

"My body?" I was struggling to connect the words he was saying to anything meaningful. It was as if my brain were trying to swim through jelly. The pressure on my arm was the only thing preventing me from slipping back into blackness.

"I...uh.... I'll get Cody in here. He's been taking care of you..." he paused, "He can explain the rest." The doctor finished checking my blood-pressure and hurried out of the room, clearly uncomfortable.

John Brennan. I repeated it to myself over and over. No matter what else I would or wouldn't remember, at least I had a name. At least I knew, in some small way, who I was. I closed my eyes again, this time not feeling as if I would slip back into nothing, but still extraordinarily exhausted. I had been resting my eyes for a short time when I heard the door open again. A young man strode in wearing green scrubs, looking intently at me. I could feel the breath catch in my throat - he was gorgeous.

He stood about six feet even off the ground. His features were completely masculine, his cheekbones were defined and his jaw looked strong enough to crush concrete. His eyes sparkled a light shade of blue; it was like watching the sun glint off a Caribbean sea. He was sporting some facial hair, wrapping around his chin and up to his sideburns, but it was short and neat, the same fawn color as the top of his head, the hair there done stylishly up in a faux-hawk. He beamed at me with bleach-white teeth. "Hi John, I'm Cody Reynolds." His voice was deep and reassuring.

I stuck out my hand, awestruck, and shook his. I smiled back at him and instantly felt at ease. "Hi Cody," I replied, getting used to speaking again.

"I've been taking care of you since you came here to Memorial Hospital." He pulled up a chair next to the bed. "I'm sure you have a ton of questions, I'm here to answer all of them." He smiled warmly again and put his hand on my arm reassuringly. My heart skipped a beat, he was warm and I could feel strength pulse beneath his skin when he touched me.

"I—I'm not really sure how I got here... Where did I come from?" I felt stupid even asking the question, feeling the answer should have been obvious, especially to me.

"You had an accident, remember?"

"An accident?" My mind was racing, was that why I couldn't sit up? Fear seized me at the thought of being paralyzed. "What kind of accident?"

"You were shot..." Cody looked almost pained to say it, as if he himself had been shot as well. "One of our EMTs was called anonymously to a street corner, that's where we found you. You were bleeding really bad, we weren't sure if you would make it for a while. Eventually Dr. Gibson, that was who was in here just a little bit ago, got you stabilized but you didn't wake up. We found a wallet with you, but the license and credit cards had all been taken out, the money too of course. All that was left for identifying you was a medical alert card telling us you were allergic to penicillin. No address, no phone number, nothing. We aren't even sure if you're from around here. You're saying you don't remember anything at all?"

My head was reeling. It was all too much information to take in at once. Questions circled around in my head faster than I could apprehend them. "Where was I shot?" It seemed a stupid question compared to all the others I had, but it was the one that sort of tumbled out of my mouth.

"You were shot in the head, but don't worry, you're still as pretty as you were before the accident. Our cosmetic surgeon made sure there was no major damage to your face or head - the bullet grazed the side of your skull but still broke it apart in a fairly extensive way."

My hand instinctively reached up to touch my face, but I found it was hard to make it move at all. Still terrified at the thought of being paralyzed, Cody must have read and interpreted the fear on my face, "Don't worry; I'm fairly certain you're not paralyzed. We'll have to run a few tests, but you'd be amazed how fast muscle can atrophy." My brain stopped spinning with his last statement, one single question remaining, standing out from the fog.

"How long have I been out?"

"Two months."

I felt a weight settle onto my chest and found myself struggling to take in air. Two months? I had lost two months of my life and woken up with no recollection of who I was before the accident, save my name.

"I....I think I need some time alone...." I stammered. Cody's smile faded, but he recovered quickly and left the room, telling me to call him if I needed anything. After the door closed, a wave of exhaustion swept over me and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I lay my head back on the pillow, not even aware that I had succeeded in lifting it, and drifted off to sleep, letting the black overtake me once again.

* * *

I woke up again in the same bed, with still no recollection of who I was or where I had come from, only the name, John Brennan, ringing in my head. Dr. Gibson was there again, checking my vitals and scribbling small notes on my chart. He looked up as I slowly lifted my head again.

"Good afternoon Mr. Brennan, how are you feeling?"

I shook my head but replied, "I'm fine." He held out his hand.

"Dr. Samuel Gibson, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier. I was just surprised you had woken up and Cody told me to call him as soon as you did. It looks like everything is just fine, but it seems you have a moderate case of retrograde amnesia, which is not uncommon for a patient with an injury such as yours."

"Retrograde amnesia?" I rubbed my eyes and took a moment to comprehend what Dr. Gibson was saying. "So I'm not going to remember anything?" Dr. Gibson walked to the other side and helped me sit up, the motorized bed slowly bringing me into an upright position. He pulled out a stethoscope and lifted up my shirt, placing the cold metal against my chest.

"It's still very early on in your recovery, breathe in deep," I took a breath and he listened intently, pulling the earpieces out and placing the instrument back around his neck. "It takes some patients a while to regain their memories; sometimes they don't regain all, if any, of it. I doubt that will be the case with you; just give it some time and I'm sure something will come back. We'll have you working with our psych ward to try to bring back some of the memories." That was a small relief, though I still had no clue who I was apart from a name. "We'll get you over to physical therapy by the end of today, so you can start building up your muscle again. You lost quite a bit during the time you were out."

"Thanks..." I paused for a beat. "Do you think you could send Cody in?" Dr. Gibson smiled and said he would, as he walked out of the room. A few seconds later Cody reappeared in the same green scrubs from earlier. I must not have been out that long.

"Hi John," He greeted me again with a handshake. "It's good to see that you're awake again. I just talked to Dr. Gibson, and he said that I'll continue to be assigned to you as you move into physical therapy."

"Oh...I... thanks. I feel like you've done so much for me and I don't even know you." I blushed, trying not to feel like this was a bad first date.

"Hey, it's no problem; I'm sure we'll get to know each other more in the next couple weeks." Cody got up to leave. "I'm going to go see if I can get something for you to eat, you must be starving."

I hadn't noticed it, but my stomach was indeed rumbling. I nodded gratefully and he left the room, leaving me by myself again. I felt a strange sort of sensation when Cody smiled at me, like butterflies in my stomach. The attraction was unmistakable; there was no way it was simply gratitude or a budding friendship. I guess that meant I was gay - not that I had a problem with that. It was just strange to think that I was rediscovering these things about myself now, things that I had probably taken for granted before the accident. Cody pushed the door open and carried in two cups of red Jell-O. I took a tentative bite; it was very sweet, almost overpowering.

"Sorry I couldn't get you something more substantial." His cup was half empty already. "You probably shouldn't be eating anything too heavy anyway, not after being out for so long." We continued talking until my cup was finally empty. "Well, time to get you up to physical therapy. Let me help you up." Cody pushed a wheelchair up next to the bed and wrapped his arms around my torso, standing me up and moving me over to sit down in the chair. I could feel his well-defined chest as he hugged me close to him. He was so strong and so gentle at the same time, but I felt useless, needing to be helped into the chair.

Physical therapy was difficult, I was drenched with sweat within ten minutes, but it felt good to start working my muscles, and the thought of being well enough to walk around on my own was very motivational. Cody was with me every step of the way. It was nice to know someone was on my side, even if it was his job to be. After my session was over, Cody brought me back down to my room and helped me crawl back into bed. He smoothed the covers over me and I felt my cock start to swell when his hand brushed over my crotch. He grabbed my hand as he turned to leave. He looked me dead in the eye and smiled.

"Don't worry John, I'll take care of you."

* * *

The next couple of weeks went by in a flash. I was getting stronger every day, but I hated being dependent on other people, especially Cody. I didn't want him to see me as weak, someone who couldn't take care of himself. So I pushed myself hard in physical therapy every day - partly because I wanted to get better and partly because I wanted to be well enough to flip Cody onto his back and fuck his tight little hole. I was walking by the end of the first week and doing basic exercises and short jogs around the hospital courtyard by the end of the second.

Apparently, my prognosis was very good. According to the neurologist I saw a couple of days after waking up, I had no cognitive impairments as a result of my injuries or time asleep; I was very lucky. The only issue was my physical debilitation, but it was to be expected after two months lying sedentary in bed. Normally, I would have done outpatient rehab, but seeing as I had no home to go to, I was forced to stay at Memorial; a fact I was painfully aware of every evening as I sat by myself in my room, reading or watching TV.

It was a good thing that I was able to start bathing myself after a couple of days. Every time Cody came in to help me get washed after a grueling couple of hours in physical therapy, my heart would race. I would pray that I wouldn't get an erection as he pulled my pants off me, exposing my cock. I was sure I was imagining it, but I swore every once in a while I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, surveying my body as I regained more and more muscle. I told myself it was nothing, that he was just doing his job and monitoring my progress, but I held out hope that it was something more.

On the fifth day, I started going to the psych ward to meet with the psychiatrist, Dr. Lehnsing. Every other day I would drag myself up three floors and sit with the wizened old man, trying to remember a past that I was rapidly convincing myself had never existed. I sat in that damned chair for hours and I couldn't remember my childhood, my parents, my siblings, let alone the accident or anything more recent. We tried every sort of therapy he could think of, but the name John Brennan is the only thing I could come up with. Every now and then I would have half a memory - the first couple of notes of a song being played on a piano, the way the sun reflected off a windowpane, the smell of lavender—but nothing substantial. I was still just a name. Still just John.

One day, about the third week after I woke up, Cody and I were walking around the courtyard, getting some fresh air. We were about the same height, and even though I was just recovering, I kept pace with him easily as we warmed up. We stopped by one of the benches and Cody sat down, instructing me on some stretches. I couldn't help but notice the way his scrubs bunched up between his legs, exposing a sizeable bulge, I forced myself to look away and concentrate on stretching my tight muscles. His phone began to ring, he glanced down at the name, "Excuse me John, I have to take this... Hello? Hey Kara...good...no, I should be free tonight...we're still on for this weekend right?...Mhmm, I made the reservations. You worry too much." He laughed.

I couldn't even hear the rest of the conversation; the blood was pounding in my ears deafeningly. He's straight. Of course he's straight. I had a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow down. I felt stupid and humiliated that I had fallen for a straight guy, and worse, I thought he might be into me too. My face flushed red when I thought of all the times I had flirted with him or sported half-wood when he helped me bathe. I came out of the cloud I fell into in time to hear three words. "Love you too. Yup... bye. Alright John, that's probably good on that one, let's take another couple of laps and go inside." I didn't say a word, just nodded and got up. I didn't say anything the rest of the session together -- I just let him talk, though I didn't really listen. It didn't seem to bother Cody, nor did he seem to notice how quiet I was being.

It was the fourth week and I was about a week away from being discharged, when it happened. I had taken to sitting in the bay window and watching the cars drive by on the interstate a couple of blocks from the hospital while I read. I was there when Cody came in unexpectedly. In the true form of a high school girl I had memorized when he did his rounds. I glanced up at the clock. It read 9:45 PM; Cody was supposed to be off already. He shut the door behind him and flipped on the red light outside the door, alerting staff not to walk in. He was nervous as he walked towards me, I could tell, and he dropped into the chair next to the window. I stared at him.

"Uh..." he cleared his throat, the words coming out of his mouth in a rush. "John, I've been doing some thinking the past couple of days. I've really enjoyed getting to know you these past weeks and I want to keep getting to know you... I would, uh, really like it if we could get dinner sometime or something..."

I was caught off-guard, so the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them, "I'm not sure what Kara would think about that." My tone was venomous and I regretted the words as soon as I said them. Cody looked confused.

"Kara? How do you know about Kara?"

"I heard you talking to her on the phone the other day." I was starting to get upset.

"You did?" He continued to look confused. "Not that I think it matters much, but I already talked about it with her. She thinks I should go for it, even with your obvious baggage." He giggled a little, it only served to incite me further.

"My baggage? You're the one who's inviting me to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend!" At first he looked completely stunned, then he looked horrified, and finally he burst out laughing.

"You thought...you thought Kara was my girlfriend?" Now it was my turn to be confused. I shook my head slightly, trying to clear it.

"She's not?"

"No! Kara's my sister! The conversation you heard? We're going to go out for dinner on Friday to celebrate her engagement, in fact." Embarrassed, I apologized. "Don't worry about it. So... dinner?"

"Of course I'll have dinner with you." I was blushing and kept talking to cover it up. "You've been great throughout this entire process and..." He cut me off by kissing me deeply and passionately. His tongue probed into my mouth and danced with mine. It was sweet and tasted faintly of cherry Jell-O. He pulled away abruptly.

"Sorry," he looked to the side and wiped his mouth. "I shouldn't have."

I responded by kissing him back with more fervor than he had kissed me. My hands found their way up across his broad, solid back and onto his neck, up into the short hair at the base of his head. He kissed me back, slipping his questing tongue back into my mouth and pulling me close to him, almost wrenching me off the window seat in his urgency to have me. He pulled me to my feet and slammed me back onto the bed, crawling on top of me and pressing his hard body against mine. I could feel his steely hardness through his scrubs and the thin linen of my pants. My cock responded in kind, lengthening and thickening as he began to rub his body along mine. He closed his eyes and exhaled as he got lost in the sensation.

I tugged at the back of his shirt and lifted it up over his head, exposing his broad chest and defined pecs. I couldn't help but stare. His pecs were the size of small hams, and his six-pack abs were defined and stood in relief against the rest of his hard body. He was muscled but not overly so. He was perfectly toned, that was the phrase I was looking for. His nipples were already erect. I pushed him up and took one tentatively into my mouth, licking around the hardened bud. He moaned and goosebumps sprang up across his chest. I quickly moved to the other side and took that one into my mouth, tweaking the other nipple, still slick with my saliva, gently with my fingers. He threw his head back and moaned again.

"Fuck...," he breathed, "I have waited so long for this."

"Me too." I felt warmth radiate throughout my body, this close human contact was almost overwhelming for me, especially since, for all intents and purposes, this was my first time. I ran my hand over his chest and, between heartbeats, another half-memory flashed in my mind. The smell of hot flesh rubbing against flesh filled my nose and a high-pitched moan rang in my ears. If possible, I grew even harder and my breathing quickened. My eyes snapped open, but Cody was just smiling at me, obviously not the source of the sound.

It felt so natural to be lying there in bed, Cody straddling me, his length pressing insistently against my stomach. But there was also some strangely alien about it as well. It was as if, in another life, I had done this exact same thing; just with someone different. I shut my eyes, trying to shake the feeling, but instead I had another flash; this time it was an image, blonde curly hair spilling over a smooth shoulder, devoid of any clothing. My eyes snapped open and focused again on Cody. The image had been fleeting and the ghosts of my past were chased away as he leaned down to kiss me again. Sitting up, he took my hands in his and pinned them above my head. He grinned at me devilishly, one corner of his mouth slightly higher than the other. I smiled back. No matter what the past had held, the man in front of me was undoubtedly my future.