Road Trip

I acknowledged the pleasure of the situation and wondered whether we could ever have a future together. Lauren clenched her sheath around my thrusting organ, alternating loose and tight. I could tell she was playing at sex. She produced an inevitable result. I again splashed a quart of my seed into her writhing body. Lauren arched over me, her mouth agape, her breathing stopped, as her orgasm swept through her. She fell into my welcoming arms, and we kissed wildly and passionately again.

After our climaxes, she curled up on top of me with my shaft remaining inside her. We studied each other in the dim light we'd kept so that we could see each other and enjoy each other's visual stimulation. I knew I was a voyeur at heart, an admission I'd never made to anyone. Now, I also knew that I liked to remain coupled instead of making a run for the bathroom.

I finally found the words that reflected what I felt.

"Lauren, I care deeply for you, and I always have ... as my sister-in-law, just not romantically or sexually ... and it's too soon for me to make any kind of commitment to you or anyone about the future. When you kissed me on the doorstep, and ever since, my brain has scrambled between focusing on you and a whole mishmash of other emotions that involve you and me and Karen. I feel it'd be so wrong for me to try to be a boyfriend or partner or something significant with you until my mind is one hundred percent focused on you. I hope you understand. I don't want you – or anyone – to be a rebound of some kind."

Lauren studied my face in the dim light and kissed me again very tenderly again. She jostled her breasts across my chest in a highly erotic gesture as she looked in my eyes. I took her sexual moves to mean she understood what I said.

I continued with some difficulty because of the sensuous nature of the moment and the sensitive nature of our conversation. I didn't want to hurt her in any way. "When I'm ready for another relationship you'll be one of the first if not the first to know." I paused, "I didn't know you felt so deeply about me. It just not time ... if I'm a disappointment, because of this, ... I can leave tomorrow. I can sleep on the sofa too. I'm sorry, but I need to be ... ready ...to be in a different frame of mind ... a different place ... to go beyond just this."

I couldn't believe I was turning down a significant relationship with one of the nicest and prettiest women in the universe. I knew from gossip Karen shared with me that Lauren constantly turned away men who didn't measure up to her standards. She'd even had a dozen proposals of marriage she'd said 'No' to since her divorce. Yet, I'd passed her 'admission' tests; I could be in her inner circle; and maybe I could be 'The One'.

Lauren held my face in her hands and said, "No sofa, don't leave, and no one's asking you to commit to anything. I chose my words carefully earlier when I said that 'this weekend' you could interchange Karen and me in your thinking and imagination. You can do it other times too, BUT if we have a serious relationship I want you to know it's me here ... with your cock thrust up inside her and your cum dripping down from my pussy. I want you to know that it's Lauren loving you, and not Karen. I'm selfish that way. Neither of us will ever forget her, but if we get more serious, and I don't necessarily mean marriage, I want it to be withme and not a fantasy or memory ofher We both will always love Karen, but anything from here on out has to be between you and me."

She kissed from my chest up to my forehead and then down my nose to my mouth – little love kisses, both erotic and loving in the same action. She looked me in the eye, and I saw tears in her eyes, "I'm here for you ... and if it's just fantasy and memories about my sister, that's all right; I can be happy with just sex with you ... not sex and the deep love as I feel now for you, that I hope you'll feel for me some day. You can choose. Take months, or years to decide if you want; there's no rush. Grieving takes time, and given the circumstances, probably a long time. You don't even have to come back, say anything after you leave, or email or anything; if I hear nothing I'll know what you've decided. You know what I'll be feeling, but I'm fine with either approach. I'm not being a doormat; I'm being realistic, and I hope you know that."

I kissed her, "Lauren, there's middle ground in there somewhere. I don't know what it is just yet. My intent is to stay in touch with you, to be in your life, to have you in mine, to love you, and to spend sexy and romantic times with you. I do love you, but I can't commit to a 'relationship.' I just can't envision what life will be like while I'm on my road trip, or after I land somewhere. However, I couldnever walk away from you, especially now that I know how you feel about me."

She nodded and gave me a hug. I think I'd reassured her in some way. We felt relief and found some peace in each other's arms and our frankness with one another. At one point, we both acknowledged that our union – our time together over the weekend – would help to heal some of the scars we felt from Karen's death.

The next two days, Saturday and Sunday (yes, I stayed an extra day), we spent a good part of each day in bed satisfying each other when we weren't recovering. We had more tender moments, and bonded even tighter than we'd admitted that first night together. We slept wrapped or spooned together. I'm sure Hal and Martha guessed that their daughter and I were intimate, but the only signals I got were ones of acceptance and approval. We did a cookout with her parents at their home that second evening, and Lauren openly demonstrated her affection for me; Sunday evening when the four of us ate at Lauren's she practically fucked me in the kitchen while her parents were in the other room, going so far as to push my fingers into her quim as she whispered how much she wanted my cock inside her. I had to return to the dining room with a hard-on of epic proportions hoping that no one would notice.

Sunday night, we both knew that in the morning Lauren had to go to work and that I'd leave without any promises or vision about what the future would hold for us ... or for me. I didn't know what the coming months would be like nor did I have any goals beyond finishing the road trip in San Diego. I felt as though I stood at the bottom of an infinitely high stairway and needed to make my way to the top to gain perspective about where I really belonged in life ... and probably who belonged there with me.

As we lay together in the afterglow of making love, Lauren made me promise to see other women along my journey and to have lots of 'flings' as she called them. According to her, I needed to fuck my brains out before I realized where I should hang my hat. She laughed at the thoughts she put in my head.

She said, "More than that, just go and have fun, and, if you're willing, I'd like to know what you're doing ... and I mean the nitty-gritty details of whom you've shacked up with and the rest of your experiences. Heck, send pictures. I want lurid, dirty, sex-filled details." She thought a minute and added for emphasis, "No, I insist that you tell me about your trip, particularly the juicy parts. I want you to consider it a duty to communicate with me every few days, and to turn me on so I can masturbate to what you're doing."

I gave her a surprised look, and we both laughed. I couldn't be sure she was serious.

She laughed at my uncertainty and went on, "Karen thought like this too, although I don't think she showed you this side of her too often, if at all. We were both very horny females. Did you know that she masturbated almost every day? We both masturbated a lot, sometimes even talking to each other on the phone. Do you know that when she and I talked that she'd get me cranked up with the details of your lovemaking? I've cum many times thinking about having your cock driving into my little soft pussy."

Somewhat in shock over the revelation, I shook my head and continued to look very dubious. This was not the Karen I had known.

"Well, she did. So my knowing that you are fucking your way across the country will turn me on immeasurably, particularly when I can play with my little battery toy as you talk to me or I read your emails. I'm serious; will you? I've never tried phone sex, but I've heard about it; we could try that too. I really want to hear about whom you fucked, how you met, what happened, how it felt – everything. Details!"

I thought about Lauren's crazy idea and found it easy to agree to her request. I expected my cross-country trip to be a monastic journey while I got my head back together – a 'symbiotic journey of man and motorcycle' my sister had called it in our last telephone call. I wanted to stay in touch with Lauren, at least for now, but I seriously doubted there'd be any sexual adventures to share. Thus, I agreed to call, write, or email off and on during my travels. Lauren jumped for joy.

I warned her about how sexless I expected the trip to be, but Lauren just shook her head in disbelief. She said, "Every time you stop, you're going to get laid, re-laid, and parlayed. You are a big, handsome, hunky man that every female will want to be with. You are so wrong about your celibacy on your trip. I wish I were going with you; I'd love to fuck my way across America with you – this weekend has ended a long dry spell for me." She laughed at herself.

Lauren then made me laugh with vivid descriptions of what sex in a few states of the union would be like. She tried to describe the type of women I'd meet in those states – Southern belles, cowgirls, rodeo champions, farmers' daughters, Native Americans, and valley girls – changing her accent and gestures over my body to match her playful stereotypes. Eventually, her erotic descriptions got to me, and we made love again, laughing as she tried to act out some of the fantasies she thought I'd experience state by state. Lauren got very creative.

I did get her message to loosen up, have some fun, sow some wild oats, and then, if I felt like it, come back to her ... come back to seeing her not as Karen's look-alike, but as Lauren, a woman I loved and wanted in my life forever. I didn't feel like my life was too much fun right then, and sowing wild oats seemed to require more energy that I had.

I left the next morning and headed southeast to Dillon. I had a few things to do before I started on the rest of my road trip through the States.

As I rode, I pondered what I'd be like as a person with the experiences and miles under my belt when I got to San Diego. How would I change? What would I think of doing after this trip? Would I find love? Would I want to go further with Anna? With Lauren? With someone I hadn't even met yet?

I finished up readying the house for sale, shipped a few things I wanted to keep to Anna, repacked my motorcycle gear and turned the key to the house over to our real estate broker. The next morning I left Dillon to head south into Rhode Island. I wanted to see the famous Newport Mansions, and by eight that morning I rode slowly past the historic summer homes of the ultra-rich built over a hundred years earlier. At one mansion, a pretty docent gave me a private tour as well as her telephone number, urging me to call her. She was attractive, and brought to mind Lauren's prediction of a lust-fulfilling trip across country. I chuckled to myself about what a remote possibility that was.

At another mansion, I walked to the waterfront and scattered an envelope of Karen's ashes. The act of leaving part of her behind in the ocean pulled me into a melancholy mood. I had to jar my thinking to a happier time with Karen. I chose to recall when we'd taken a weekend trip to Cape Cod. We'd rented a summer home for four days; all we could afford. We had ideal weather with an offshore breeze the entire time. In my most vivid memory from that trip, Karen ran with glee along the beach screaming in joy like a child a third her age flying a kite she'd bought. In those moments, on that beach, I wondered if she'd ever been happier. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and pictured the scene again. I'd never forget her or that day. I cried.

From Newport, I meandered to Mystic Seaport in Connecticut. The restored town catered to tourists; however, I found it quaint and memorable, so another envelope of Karen's ashes got surreptitiously scattered to the wind in the seafaring village of another state. This time as I let the ashes fly, maybe because of the docent's overt innuendoes, I thought of a time Karen and I had been in bed; she'd been trying to get me to think about various sexual fantasies but I'd had trouble coming with any. If I had a fantasy today, what would it be – plundering the attractive docent on one of the antique beds?

Based on what Lauren had told me, Karen and she had strong inclinations to erotica and the bawdy side of life. I wondered what Karen had thought about when she was – according to Lauren – masturbating on an almost daily basis. I never knew she felt that way, maybe the same way I did. I also wondered if I had been too staid for Karen – too vanilla, and then reflected that thoughts like those were moot now that she was gone and would just depress me despite any answer I could conceive.

I had been surprised at Lauren's revelations about Karen's masturbatory frequency, and that she shared details about our lovemaking with her sister. I guess you never really and completely know someone, not even your spouse and partner of eight years.

After lunch, I happily crossed to the other corner of Connecticut and crossed into New York State. I found a pretty pond to camp beside, and an hour later, I'd eaten dinner, scattered more of Karen's ashes by the pretty pond, and set up camp in a corner of the abandoned picnic area.

I knew I'd return to my sexual memories of Karen when I went to bed, so that became my thought as the wind carried her dust into the air and into the scenic pond.

I went to bed at dusk. Before I slept, I allowed myself to think back to a sexual evening Karen and I had and allowed all my senses to savor every aspect of the memory. I could smell the sex we exuded; taste her kisses and the juices I'd brought up on my finger from her pussy; feel her breasts and body – as she felt mine; see in my mind's eye her sexy form as she writhed beside me, over me, and under me – enticing with every move; and hear our lusty talk – recounting almost word for word a fantasy she had about me fucking her sister and her. I wondered if Karen had shared with her sister Lauren our erotic adventures that night. The memory and the added thought about Lauren, whose body I could also remember with my five senses from only a few nights before, made my cock very hard and welcome to the stimulation I willingly gave it. I masturbated, and then allowed sleep and dreams to bring me even closed to Karen – and to Lauren.

The follow morning, I took long, hard run shortly after sunrise since I hadn't run the day before. I did some exercises near my tent, and then went down to the pond for a quick bath before I suited up for the next leg of my trip. Although the air temperature promised a warm day, the pond water chilled me to the bone, so my cleansing dunk was short and efficient. I bathed in the nude, only wrapping a towel around me to head back to camp carrying my jogging clothes. As I dressed in the open air, I reflected back on the attractive docent at the Newport Mansion. She wanted me – sent me signals that she wanted to connect, even have sex. And then, there was Lauren, with whom I'd only expected a short platonic visit – a visit that turned loving and passionate and sexual almost from the moment I arrived. Maybe this wouldn't be such a chaste journey after all.

My college fraternity 'big brother,' Bob Knight, lived in a town northwest of Philadelphia called Camp Forge. We stayed in touch over the near twenty years since we graduated, losing touch more the past few years as our lives got busier. Bob was about four years older than I; as my 'big brother' he had sponsored me as a lowly pledge into the fraternity he belonged to. I'd emailed Bob before I left Dillon on this longer trip asking to visit. His reply enthused about my arrival – 'come and stay as long as you can whenever you can!' I timed my arrival for late afternoon.

On the way to Camp Forge, I stopped at a scenic overlook at the Delaware Water Gap Recreational Area in New Jersey. I consigned another envelope of Karen's ashes to fly into the wind. This time I thought about how free her spirit had become in her passing – free from earthly dimensions, free from the limits of time, free from worries, and free from the savage illness that ravaged her body. I knew her soul was now in a good place.

I crossed into Pennsylvania. I reflected on Karen's death again, often shaking my head in disbelief that someone so beautiful and so young could actually fall prey to her terrible autoimmune disease. What a terrible waste her death was. God, when would these thoughts of remorse stop!

I also thought about how easily I fell into bed with Lauren. Was I so easily seduced because she resembled Karen, or did I feel some real and lasting chemistry with Lauren? Would I ... could I become a life partner with her? Lauren revealed a side of her personality to me – and a hidden side of my wife I'd barely known: a horny, oversexed, lusty, amorous woman who could become turned on at the slightest provocation. Sure, Karen and I had our moments, but everyday? All the time? This was not the woman I knew. Why did she hide that fact about herself from me? Was I not worthy of sharing that side of her? Or had I just missed all the cues she had sent me and eventually she gave up trying to share with me?

Somewhere as the miles rolled by, I thought about my eight-year career in the Army Special Forces. Going into the service, I believed I'd make a dent in the growing unrest in the Middle East and the growing threat of terrorism. In hindsight, that had been a naïve belief. I'd been a gung-ho ROTC cadet, a newly minted second lieutenant, and then I got selected to take the coveted 'Q Course' that qualified me for extended training as a Green Beret – Special Operations. My military career ended just shy of eight years when I blew out my knee in a rough and tumble basketball game between guys in my unit. I ended up on crutches for nine months and then in physical therapy for over a year. Fortunately, the Army paid for the knee surgeries, the PT, and gave me a graceful exit from the service.

My thinking about the role of government and the military changed in that transition. I came to see the military as mired down in many situations where they were deployed because of all the 'handcuffs' put on them by the politicos. The mire, the mess, the mistakes, the waste, and the huge and inefficient expense bothered me. I could see where small surgical strikes like my unit was capable of could solve many problems before they even made the news.

After I left the military and got into civilian life, I started to appreciate the power that ethical business endeavors could have on world peace and prosperity. I watched as Gates, Walmart, HP, P&G, and dozens of other companies developed and funded projects in third world countries that turned the tide and made a difference where government aid didn't. The bases for those programs were kindness, compassion, and a strong sense of responsibility, as well as a desire for vital business endeavors my cynical side added.