Rory and Sebastian Ch. 15

"Great," she said. And, I had to admit, she looked great. We chatted for thirty seconds, going through the obligatory 'how did your exams go' chat, before she cleared her throat and said, "Listen, this is really awkward."

I can sense gossip in the same way a jaguar can sense a limping gazelle. "Oh my god, tell me," I said, taking her arm in a gesture of feminine solidarity.

"You're really good friends with Rory Masterton, yes?"

Was she an idiot? "Eh, yes, Diane – for, like, the last ten years."

"Is he dating a guy called Sebastian Carson?"

This didn't sound good. "Yes," I answered, as my throat went dry.

"Really tall? Really good looking? On your school's rugby team?"

"Yes."

"American."

"Yes."

"Friends with Dominic Kirchner?"

"Yes."

"Fuck. Okay, Virginia, Ross Lewis is not one of my good friends, so I don't agree with what happened, I just thought you should know."

"Who's Ross Lewis?" I felt slightly nauseous. As much as I didn't like him, if Sebastian had actually cheated on Rory, Rory would be completely destroyed.

"He's this really, really handsome gay guy in my year at King Edward's..."

"Right."

".... until last week, he was kind of on-again/off-again with Balfour Redmond, who's in our year and just basically a total mess of a human being. Anyway, they went on yet another one of their breaks right before the exams finished, and when they 'break-up,' Ross apparently tries to get Balfour back by making him jealous. And it works, every time. That's what Jessica told me..."

I wanted to strangle her. Why was she taking so long? But if I rushed her, she mightn't tell me everything she knew. I might panic the dumb bitch.

"On Monday night, Ross got invited to Dominic Kirchner's house party and he apparently ended-up making out with Sebastian Carson in one of the upstairs' bathrooms."

I felt like I was about to faint, on Rory's behalf, but I held my shit together and pressed on, to make sure I got all the information I needed.

"Diane, are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

"Did anybody see them?"

"No, but Ross came down and told his best friend, Jessica, who I just told you about, and she said Sebastian was acting really weird and emotional after he went upstairs. Look, Diane, Ross Lewis is a bit of a slut, but he's not a liar. And obviously, he's told people about it because he wants Balfour to know..."

"Okay," I said, leadenly.

"I just thought you should know. I know we're not that close, but if I was Rory, I'd rather hear it from you than on the grapevine."

I looked at Diane properly for the first time; she actually was just trying to do the right thing. Annoyingly, but still. "Thanks, Diane. I really, really do appreciate it."

I sat back down at my table and the stomach churning at the thought of having to tell Rory hurt more than my hangover. I picked up my phone and texted Robbie Fitzpatrick.

"Can you meet me in an hour at my house? It's important."

He wrote back five minutes later. "Sure. Everything ok?"

"No," was all I could respond.

*

Ninety minutes later, Robbie stood on my garden walkway, staring at me in mute, disbelieving horror.

"No," he said. "He wouldn't do that."

"Robbie – it's all over the King Edward's group."

"Virginia, people can make shit up. We don't know this Ross guy and you said yourself that you're not really that close to the girl who told you. We've known Seb for years. He's been my friend for years. Honestly, he wouldn't do this. He worships the ground Rory walks on. You know that!"

I had to concede that he had a point. Talking it over with Robbie, I was starting to feel less certain that Diane had been telling the truth. Or that she'd been told the truth by Ross, to be more precise.

"He lied about Michael Suzette," I said. "He's kept things from him before."

"That was different. Michael happened long before him and Rory. This is something completely fucked-up!"

Robbie was clearly distressed and he was becoming physically agitated. But then he was as close as family to Rory and very, very fond of Sebastian. It was hard to imagine anyone who'd be more torn about this. Maybe that's why I'd contacted him. I knew he'd give good advice and honest advice; he wouldn't give advice based solely on wanting to generate scandal. Plus, he knew Sebastian. Far better than I did. Despite my insatiable love of gossip, even I drew the line at putting it in front of my best friend.

"But Robbie, what if it is true? What if Sebastian was so drunk he fucked up? You have to admit that it's possible!" Robbie glanced at me; pained and angry, but unable to argue back. "I know how these things work. There is no way to hermetically seal this rumour. It's frankly a miracle that Rory hasn't heard about it already. The only reason he hasn't is probably because he was buried with revision for the exams and the only party he's been to in about two months was Claudia's last night."

"Virginia – think about what this is going to do to him. He loves Seb. He loves him so much and Seb's been so good for him. If Rory finds out the love of his life cheated on him with some hot guy from another school, he'll never eat again. You know that!"

"Robbie, if there was a way to keep this from him, I would. But there isn't. This is not my fault -"

"I know it isn't!"

"Then stop shouting at me!"

Robbie took a breath.

"Robbie, we have to do something. We have to tell him."

"What if it's not true?"

I paused. He was right. There was a definite chance that it wasn't true. "Then that's up to Rory and Sebastian to fix. Our job, as Rory's friends, is to tell him."

"No," ruled Robbie. He sounded firmer than I'd expected. "We should go to Seb."

"He'll just lie."

"No, he won't," Robbie declared. "He wouldn't lie. I'll know. We should go and give him the opportunity to tell Rory. Whether it's true or not, it should come from Seb. Not from us. Please, Virginia: I really think we should give him the chance. Please."

I looked away. It was such a beautiful day today – it seemed hideous to think that my best friend's life could be falling apart with the Sun shining. After a minute, I nodded. Robbie's plan made sense and, on a weirdly selfish note, it put off the awful moment of having to tell Rory for just a little bit longer.

*

The moment we walked into Sebastian's living room, I knew he'd done it. It was so strange to see that big, six foot something frat star in this state. He looked ill. Haunted, actually. He was usually so cocksure and confident in his movements normally, but today, he was moving nervously and uncomfortably on the balls of his feet, as Robbie and I exchanged the usual small talk with his mother in the hallway.

As we walked into the living room, Robbie kept staring at Seb – as if trying to process what he was seeing. There was a sort of angry entreaty in his eyes, that was begging Seb to deny it all. I kept my eyes averted from him and kept my face cold. The whole day had the feeling of things falling apart. I felt like the air around us was about to pull apart and shatter. The lyrics from an old song I couldn't quite remember floated into my head: 'all I know is that the end's beginning.' I swallowed, sat down and crossed my legs. There was no point in getting emotional about it. At least, not in front of Sebastian Carson. Between me, him and Robbie, someone had to keep their cool.

"Do you know why we're here, dude?" asked Robbie.

Sebastian nodded and looked at us, shaking his head. He had no words. If it was possible to see a soul hurt in somebody's eyes, then that's what Seb Carson looked like that afternoon. I found myself feeling sorry for him. I wasn't angry. I felt so sorry for him. Even though I knew that there was nothing my pity could do for him. One way or the other, Rory would have to find out. That's all there was to it. No winners, no losers, just social fact. It was sad, but inescapable. Like Death, I suppose. Or aging.

"Fuck, Seb! How could you?"

Sebastian just kept shaking his head. "I don't know, Robbie. I don't... know. He... I was so drunk. You know how drunk I was. I used the bathroom. He came in. We were talking about exams and his ex-boyfriend. He launched himself at me. We started kissing. I pushed him off, but not quickly enough. Then I left. I kept hoping he wouldn't tell people. I kept hoping people wouldn't find out."

"So you're not going to tell Rory?" Robbie snapped, incredulously. I kept my eyes on Seb to analyse his next move.

"I can't," he said, hoarsely. "Robbie, how could I do that? How could I tell him? He'll ... it'd kill him. He'd think it was because of him. He'd think he was ugly. It'd... ruin... everything. I can't. I'm dying here, Robbie. I hate myself, but I'm going to have to carry the burden. I'm not trying to duck out of this, but I have to feel shit about myself forever and never confess anything to him. It's what I have to do. You know he couldn't handle it."

"Not telling him isn't an option, Seb," I said, quietly.

"Why?"

"Because Ross Lewis..."

"Who?"

"That's the guy's name," I explained. And I heard Robbie exhale sorrowfully next to me, as the realisation smacked us both in the face that Sebastian was about to break his own heart – and the heart of the guy he, and we, loved – over someone whose surname he didn't even know. "His name is Ross Lewis. He had just broken up with his ex-boyfriend and apparently they do it a lot. Break up, then make up. He told him about you, because he wanted to make him jealous – hooking up with the hot gay rugby player from another school. You can see why he did it, I suppose. The news is all over their year at King Edward's. Everyone knows. I know school's over, but it's only a matter of time before Rory finds out and if he firmly sticks to the story that you didn't do it, which he will if you don't own-up, then he's going to look like a complete idiot."

Sebastian buried his face in his hands and shuddered. I had never seen him like this. It was like watching a colossus crumble in front of you. But, like me, he could see that the situation was now one of inevitable social logic. Ross had blabbed; Rory would find out. The only question now was from whom. I'd spent a lifetime gossiping; I knew how the ropes worked. Sebastian was a very clever guy; he knew, too.

"Last month you told me that I should have come to you first, rather than go to Rory about Michael Suzette. This is much more serious and Robbie agreed you had the right to know first. Honestly, if I thought there was a way for your plan to work, I think I might help you do it. I believe you love him, even though I find you monumentally irritating, and I believe this is killing you. I wish this hadn't happened and I wish he didn't have to know."

"But he does," finished Sebastian. "Thank you. I'm going to go see him tonight."

He stood up. The talk was over. He looked like someone who'd just been told they were to face a firing squad, rather than prison. I remember Rory saying once that he didn't know which would be worse: death or life imprisonment.

"Aren't you sorry?" asked Robbie, sounding like a confused child.

"Yes," Sebastian said, not looking at him. "But the first person I'll say that to his him, Robbie. Not to you. Or anyone else. If you don't want to be friends with me after this, I understand, dude."

They shook hands. I walked out with looking back. Now all Robbie and I could do was play the waiting game. We had to wait until Rory called us and until he needed us. Until then, we just had to sit and wait.I got into Robbie's car's passenger seat. The doors shut. And I burst into tears. I hadn't done that in years.

"Poor Rory," I whispered.

*

--This part of the story is told from Sebastian's point of view--

Looking back on it, I shouldn't have gone over to Rory's that afternoon. Throughout the whole conversation with Robbie and Virginia, it had been clear that at least one of us – Virginia – had held their shit together. She'd remained calm and logical, where Robbie and I just hadn't. Couldn't. What I had done was terrible – fucking terrible. But, it was seven seconds out of a relationship that had lasted through thick and thin over eight months. For my sake, and Rory's, I should have gone in and told him the news in a stronger mood. I should have been like my usual self; I should have held myself together. If I had been in a mood like that, then I could have stood a chance of breaking the news to him in a less melodramatic fashion. There's no doubt that the outcome would have been awful, no matter what. How could it not be? But at the very least I could have assured him, sincerely, that I loved him more than anyone else I could conceive of.

But the problem was that I could only have done that had I been myself. And in those first few weeks after Dominic's party, I was anything but myself. I'm sure it sounds stupid to you, but in a way what happened with Ross actually shattered me more badly than it did Rory. If you had told me one hour before it happened that I would ever have cheated on Rory Masterton, I'd have laughed in your face. Or, you know, punched you in it. So, I went in to Rory's room almost as traumatized as he would be. I still didn't even really know what had happened at Dominic's, much less how to explain it to anybody else. I was, honestly, shell-shocked. I disgusted myself and so how, in the name of God, could I have walked into that room and begged Rory to still love me?

I walked into his room and he was chatting away, in a black fitted cashmere sweater and gray sweatpants, when I just blurted out the words, "I kissed somebody else at Dominic's."

I looked at the ground and then at him, in the awful, cavernous silence that filled the room. It was a silence so intense, I swear, it was somehow loud. His face was only slowly changing from the happy, chatty one he'd worn seconds before I'd pulled the rug from under him.

"Is this a joke?" he finally asked.

I shook my head and I felt tears spill out the side of my eyes. I hadn't wanted to cry. But I couldn't help it. I loved him so much and all I wanted to do was to shield him from pain, but now I was the one who'd inflicted the worst kind on him.

"No," I whispered, through the tears. "No. It's not. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You wouldn't do that," Rory declared, in a tone that was still factual, even commanding. Like we were debating a point of history or science. As if I'd stated something that was quite simply incorrect and he was now becoming impatient with me. "You wouldn't. You'd never do that."

"I did," I said and I could hear the sob creeping into my voice. This was not me. I was 6'4 and played rugby. I must have looked fucking ridiculous. And pathetic. Why should I be the one crying? I deserved to be punched. "I did. I was so drunk. Robbie told you how drunk I was."

Why did I say that? It sounded like an excuse.

His voice cracked. An air bubble, or some other by-product of erupting hysteria, caught in his throat. He was starting to process it. He was starting to actually compute what I'd done to us.

"Who was it?"

"This guy from King Edward's. His name's Ross."

"Ross what?"

"I think Lewis. I'm not sure. We were upstairs, in the bathroom."

"Why did you go into the bathroom with him?!"

"I didn't," I wept. "I went to pee and he came in as I was leaving and asked me how I knew Dominic. We were just talking ..."

"About?!"

"About, I dunno, bullshit. Nothing special. The exams. How he'd just broken up with his boyfriend. And then he kissed me. He launched himself at me. I swear, Rory. I swear to God."

"You're not even sure you believe in God!" Rory shot back, using my lack of faith against me for the first time. "Did you push him off?"

"Not at first," I said. And I heard him make a sound half-way between a gasp and a groan. "But then I realized what was happening. I felt sober again, for a second, and I did – I swear! – I did push him off. And I left. And obviously I haven't been in contact with him since. It was seven seconds, Rory. If that, even. I'm so sorry! Baby, I'm so sorry. Please. Please don't hate me. Please don't."

I walked over to him and he slapped me, hard, across the face. It may have been a slightly effeminate gesture, but there was nothing feminine about Rory's strength. It was hard, brutal, masculine. I nearly fell over, but instead of retaliating I just kept crying.

"How could you have done this?" he sobbed. "Sebastian, why? Why?"

As quickly as it had appeared, his anger vanished and he began hysterically crying. He began stroking my cheek that he'd struck and trying to cuddle in towards me. "Is it because I didn't go to Dominic's? Or because I spent so much time working for the exams? I'm sorry, Sebastian. I didn't mean to ignore you. I didn't mean to! I can be better. I won't do it again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't good enough to you, but I won't do it again. I didn't tell you that I believed we could stay together enough in university enough. No matter which ones we go to! I can lose more weight for you. I can get better looking. I can be better for you. I won't nag you anymore. Or tease you. I won't... I won't annoy you. I'll be better at sex. I will. I promise, Sebastian. Please, please."

In my whole life, I have never felt pain quite like hearing him, and seeing him, say those words. Hysterical tears of panic were pouring down his face. He was practically pawing at me. All of his dignity, all of his grace, all of his self-belief and poise, had been temporarily swept away. Every fear and neuroses that he had were coursing through him openly. I felt like a knife was twisting into me because I'd made him feel this way. But all I could do was keep shaking my head and kissing him and crying.

I felt his tears on my neck. "Oh, Sebastian," he wept. "Why can't we make it be yesterday again?"

*

For four days, Rory and I stayed in a weird kind of personal limbo. A decision would have to be reached and only Rory, really, could make it. I know that he spent a lot of his time going for walks with Virginia and I found later that she defended me, in saying that she believed I had slipped-up and that I was truly sorry, but condemned me by stating that she didn't believe Rory could cope mentally with a long-distance relationship with me in university, after what had happened. In fact, she vigorously insisted that doing so would push him over the edge.

Looking back on it, I think she may have been right. It may 'just' have been one kiss, but Rory couldn't have coped with the image of it in his head.

I spent those four days in a twisted ball of agony. On the fourth night, Rory came over to stay at my house and we lay, with me as big spoon, awake but unspeaking, for hours. Eventually, I fell off into sleep, savouring the smell of him and the softness of his skin. It had once been so familiar to me, but now it seemed like it had moved beyond me. He was so close, but the distance between us was great. Insuperable. I whispered, "I love you," as I fell off to sleep. I don't think he responded and when I woke in the morning, he was gone. With a letter left on my desk: "Sebastian," written in his beautiful black-ink handwriting.

'My dearest, darling, wonderful Sebastian,

You and I cannot be together. Not right now, anyway – maybe never again. I don't know. I cannot go to university with this hanging over me. I am not strong enough to deal with it and, for that, I truly, deeply, sincerely beg your forgiveness. Please forgive me, Sebastian?

I know you'll be heartbroken by what's happened and I am too. If I was to stay, I'd only project that onto you and that isn't fair. We need time to deal with it on our own.

Baby, I can't begin to tell you how sad I am for you. I know how much this has devastated you. Just as much as me. I know you've let yourself down and violated every moral standard you had for yourself. For us. I know that! And I'm so sorry for you. You're a good man, who did one stupid thing. I love you madly – obsessively – but it's not enough and if we stayed together, we'd end up being permanently obsessed with this. For our own sake, it's better just to part company right now. I love you.