Santa's Naughty Aunts Ch. 04

"Why are you surprised?"

"Well, after all that happened, um, with me, I thought..."

"That was AGES ago," Aunt Jess said. "She's my best friend in the whole wide world! We hired the same lawyer, we might even take a condo together, two swinging single females jumping back into the dating scene...maybe you can take us out, show us all the hot spots."

"That might be a bit...dangerous."

"Until after the divorce is final, I think I see your point." There was a pause. "Honey, you won't tell on us, will you? Don and Carl are your direct relations, Billie and I are just the fools who married them. I hope you won't..."

"Tell the truth about you and me and Aunt Billie?"

Another pause. "Yes."

"I absolutely adore you and Aunt Billie, and I'll never do anything to hurt either of you. Plus there's the little fact that spilling the beans about us would pretty much destroy my life, so, yes, you're secret is safe with me. Short of torture, my lips are sealed."

"And what soft, kissable lips they are," she purred.

"Indeed," I said. " I think we probably don't want to start down that road."

"Oh, I'm sure you'd like to, but you know better, don't you, sexy?"

I finally managed to get off the phone without banging my head on the counter. I called Aunt Billie, received her thanks for my concern, and heard much the same story that Aunt Jess had told. She said, "I guess we're not going to be your aunts anymore."

"Nope," I said.

"That means we could have all sorts of fun together and it would be totally OK."

"I think if anyone found out we were sleeping together it would never, ever, be OK."

"I guess not," she sighed.

"I love you," I said, "and I love Aunt Jess, and if there's anything I can do for you, just ask."

"Come over here and fuck me."

"Except that."

When I hung up the phone my beer was warm from waiting in my hand too long. I poured it down the sink, opened my cupboard, and pulled out a dusty bottle of Jack Daniels. Tonight's news definitely called for whiskey, not beer. I drank nearly a whole highball before I fell sound asleep on the couch.

*****

Why do people get married? For love, sure. The merger of financial assets, yeah. To escape loneliness, perhaps. All of these reasons are perfectly reasonable. Getting married out of spite isn't. I think that's what Uncle Don and Uncle Carl did. Less than six months after getting caught in flagrante delicto, and getting reamed in the divorce settlement, both my uncles got remarried. Uncle Don married his secretary. Uncle Carl married Uncle Don's secretary's friend. I don't know how they figured out who got which girl, and I don't want to know, thank you very much.

The weddings were two weeks apart, enough time for Don and Traci to get back to from their honeymoon. I had too much fun at both weddings, there were lots of very pretty girls getting very drunk who were a bit jealous that their friend had just played Princess for a Day. I got some phone numbers, and, unfortunately, found out pretty soon that these were not the sort of girls I wanted to date. Too many nights bar-hopping and slugging down tequila shooters until 2AM. I mean, I have a job, dammit. I thought about Uncle Carl and Uncle Don keeping up with party girls half their age, and I wondered how long until I went to their funerals. But what the hell did I know? They seemed happy.

So did my sexy, seductive aunts. In the end, they didn't move in together, but they did spend a lot of time together, and neither seemed to be lacking in male companionship. It seemed like every time I saw Aunt Billie downtown she was walking to lunch with yet another handsome, sharply-dressed young man. When I would call Aunt Jess and tentatively ask if maybe she wanted to join me for dinner, nearly every time she couldn't because she had a date. And since her dates always had names like Austin and Tyler and Dylan, I assumed she was dating guys a bit closer to my age than my father's.

So everyone was happy, everyone had what they wanted, everyone was getting laid. A happy ending.

Well, except for me.

*****

You never get a sense for how fast the year is passing until the middle of November. Then, whoosh! You get the first hit on Thanksgiving, and then the mad rush to Christmas, and before you know it you're chug-a-lugging champagne New Year's Eve. The days just flash by.

In the middle of November I drove to my mother's house with a big cardboard box in the backseat. Inside was the Santa suit. "Not this year, no," I told her. "I've been the dutiful son, but I'm done."

"But honey!" she pleaded.

"No." My heart was flint, my answer final. My Santa days were over.

Until...the day before my mother's church group had their evening with Santa. And then she was on the phone, begging at first, and then demanding. What I should have done was bulked up like 30 pounds so the damn suit wouldn't fit anymore. But I hadn't thought that far ahead. There was nothing to do but bite the bullet. I would play Santa one last time, but that would be IT.

It was the worst night of my Santa career.

There were three times as many kids as the previous years. "St. Anne's hall is undergoing renovations, so we have kids from their parish too," Mom said, wincing as she saw the look on my face.

"There'd better be a Lexus under my tree this year," I told Mom. I walked through the hall, which was already half-filled with parents and kiddies waiting for Santa. I noticed a pretty young woman in a tan turtleneck sweater dandling a baby on her knee, she smiled at me and it eased my panicky heart. But then I turned the corner and there was Aunt Jess, looking hot and sexy as ever. And standing behind HER was Aunt Billie, absolutely radiant. I still called them "Aunt", at my mother's insistence. It also helped keep me focused on the fact that these gorgeous women were still totally out-of-bounds.

"You are an angel," Aunt Jess said, kissing my cheek.

"A saint," Aunt Billie said, kissing my other cheek.

"Bah, humbug!" I snarled. They let me get dressed in private, but when I was ready they both stood in the doorway, blocking me in.

"Are you as turned on as I am?" Aunt Jess said.

"Oh, yeah," Aunt Billie replied. "Maybe we could both give Santa a little present afterwards."

"Maybe," Aunt Jess agreed.

"You've gotta be kidding," I told them, hoping inside that they weren't kidding.

"We'll see, honey," Aunt Billie said. "Go do your thing."

My thing. I entered with a jolly, "Merrrrry Christmas!" and the kids went nuts. I mean, a wave of children surged toward me, and I was swamped by clutching, grabbing hands. And as I am very tall, and the kids are very small, those tiny hands and fists all seemed to be directed at my crotch.

"Ow! I, oof!" I grunted as my groin was pummeled. I tried to turn my hips to wade through the throng but all that did was expose myself to a new group of thrashing tykes. When I finally got to my chair there were tears in my eyes.

Before coming in the hall all the kids had gotten together and filled their pockets with rocks. They must have, because they fucking weighed more than ever. I had six-year-olds big enough to play junior-high football. I was in bad pain before I got halfway through the line. Add to that all the babies who, upon seeing a huge bearded man bellowing "HOHOHO", inevitably start screaming in terror, and you can understand why I was looking forward to a big glass of water and four Advil at night's end.

And then I saw him. The big, heavy kid who had nearly ruptured me the year before. "Wait," I stuttered. "He's too old, too old for Santa!" I guess he was seven now, with three chins and suet dripping off his chubby arms. I mean, if this kid wanted to dress up as Jabba the Hutt for Halloween the only costume he'd need would be a T-shirt that had "I am Jabba the Hutt" written across it. His parents were glutinous themselves, and as they approached they each took one of his hands and lifted him a few inches off the ground. They swung him, back and forth, back and forth, and then with a tremendous effort they hoisted him into the air. "No!" I squealed, but it was too late. They released him at the apex of the swing and the pudgebucket landed in my lap with all the finesse of a car pushed off the roof of a building. And, it seemed to my tender parts, all of the weight.

"Squeal!" I squealed as I was crushed like a grape. "I wanna Game Boy, and Spiderman action figures, and..." the greedy brat spouted, totally oblivious to the fact that I was writhing in pain. When he finished with his endless list he flopped off my lap and landed on my foot, and I swear I heard the cracking of my metatarsals.

I gasped for breath, tried not to vomit into my beard, tried not to burst into tears. And then I heard a gentle voice say, "Santa, are you OK?"

I looked up, and it was the pretty young woman I'd seen on the way in. Her light brown hair fell just short of her shoulders, and she had the kindest blue eyes in the world. She smiled at me and the world came back into focus.

I said, "The first thing they teach you at Santa school is never show fear."

She laughed. "The second one is probably wear body armor."

"I don't know, I dropped out after the first class." We all laughed, and that included the baby in the woman's arms. She gurgled happily and reached out to me. "My, my, a baby who isn't terrified of Santa!" I said.

"This is Lauren," the woman said, handing me her baby. "This is her first visit to Santa. She was too little last year."

"And what does Lauren want for Christmas? Diamonds? Furs? You look like the kind of baby who's into luxury goods."

"I think a teddy bear would be good enough," the woman said. "Can I take a picture?"

"Oh, sure." I held the baby as I'd held hundreds of babies over the years, but this one actually seemed to LIKE me. No screaming, no spitting up. She even laughed. I was totally charmed.

"Thank you, Santa," the woman said, and I handed Lauren back to her. We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds, it was like she wanted to say something. I wanted to say something too, like "I think you're the most beautiful woman I've seen in my entire life," but I've learned that getting involved with married women is bad news. So she thanked me, and I hohohoed, and I wistfully watched her and her daughter walk away.

The assembly line cranked on, and a half-hour later it was over. I looked over the hall and saw my Aunt Billie talking to my mother, the two of them filling a trash can with napkins and paper plates. And then look looked left and saw Aunt Jess talking to a girl wearing a tan turtleneck sweater. I nearly jumped out of my chair. She was still here! Aunt Jess was smiling at the baby, they were laughing, and then I watched my aunt and the young woman walk over to where my mom and Aunt Billie stood. They all started talking, about what I didn't know, but what I wanted desperately to find out.

I rushed to the anteroom and started shedding my suit. I didn't bother boxing it up, I wanted to change fast and see what was going on. But before I was done Mom came in. "I'm going home, honey. Your aunts said they were going to take you out to dinner for being so helpful."

Right, dinner. "Hey, I saw you talking to a girl out there, she had a baby, what were you talking about?"

"Oh, I don't know, I just said hello and came to see you. And now that I've seen you," she said, and hugged me, "I'll say goodnight. And, thank you very, very much."

"You owe me. Bigtime."

"Christmas is coming," she sang, and she left.

To be replaced five seconds later by Aunt Jess and Aunt Billie. "Hi Santa baby," they said in unison. Before I could speak Aunt Jess said, "The hall is almost cleared out. Why don't you wait here for about fifteen minutes..."

"And we'll have a big surprise waiting for you..." Aunt Billie finished.

"No, wait, I just want to go home!" But they were gone. I had to say no to them, I had to resist them. But the chisel in my pants told me that I wouldn't be able to. I sighed, somewhat disgusted with myself. I was a bit surprised that my ex-aunts hadn't told me to get back into costume. Maybe they forgot.

I waited fifteen minutes, and then I went out to meet my fate. I carried the box with the Santa suit under my arm, just in case I had to do a quick-change. The hall was dark and quiet, as it had the times Aunt Jess and I did our dirty business. "Hello?" I sighed.

A quiet voice said, "Hi." I whirled and sitting by the door was the pretty girl with the baby.

I was flabbergasted. "Hi." I didn't know what to say. What the hell was she doing here? Where were my aunts? It didn't look like she knew what to say either. She stood up and the baby saved us both. Lauren saw me and squealed with delight.

"Yes, it's me, Santa, in disguise!" I said, and her mother laughed.

"I was talking to your mother, and your aunts," she said. "Well, they were talking to me."

"I bet they were. What about?"

"I said how good you were with Lauren, and your aunt pretty much dragged me over to meet your mother. They all said some very nice things about you."

"Some of them even true." I was confused and thrilled at the same time. She was so pretty, my heart was going a mile a minute, but what could come of it?

"I saw you when you came in, and..."

"I saw you too," I said quietly.

"Yes, you did."

We were flirting with each other, and my confusion grew. Unless..."Lauren's daddy couldn't come with you tonight?" I asked.

She smiled and seemed relieved that I'd brought the subject up. "No. Lauren's daddy really isn't in the picture." She blushed, embarrassed that she put it that bluntly.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not."

We moved closer to each other, just a bit. "Well, then I feel a lot better about asking you out on a date."

Her blue eyes hypnotized me. "I'd like that."

"Oh," I said, remembering an important point of etiquette. "I'm Tim."

She took my extended hand and the world tilted and whirled around me. "I'm Holly."

"Well, that's Santa's favorite name!" I rumbled in my St. Nick voice. Lauren perked up and giggled, and I shook her tiny hand. "You, I've already met."

I walked her to her car, which was the only on left in the lot besides mine. "Did my aunts tell you to wait for me?"

"They did," she said with a guilty smile. "I guess I mentioned that I thought you were cute, and I wanted to talk to you without all those people around."

My scheming aunts, teasing me with the specter of seduction so they could play matchmaker. "I should warn you, those two are trouble."

"They seemed very nice to me."

"Don't believe it for a second." I felt the butterflies pick up the pace in my belly. "Are you doing anything tomorrow night? Maybe go to dinner, heckle the Santa at the mall?"

She finished buckling Lauren into her car seat and turned around and suddenly we were standing right next to each other. "Call me, I think my parents can watch Lauren."

"Bring her along, we get along pretty good."

She smiled. "I don't think so."

"Probably a bad idea." I got her phone number, she took mine, and I held the door open as she got into the car. I watched her taillights vanish into the distance and felt like I could fly home. But I didn't want to leave my car behind, so I drove. At home I found two messages waiting for me, one from Aunt Jess, one from Aunt Billie, both desperate for news about Holly. I erased both messages and took the phone off the hook. Let me drive them crazy for a change. I popped open a beer, put on some carols, and wallowed in my Christmas cheer.

*****

I should have apologized to my Uncle Carl and Uncle Don for the seating arrangements at my wedding, but I never got around to it. I invited my uncles and their new wives, of course, but I also invited Aunt Jess and Aunt Billie. I knew the potential for fireworks was high having them all in the same room, so I put my aunts at table 3 and my uncles at table 15, figuring that would keep them far apart. No such luck. Somehow their tables abutted each other, and from my place of honor up on the dais I could see myriad aunts and uncles staring daggers at each other.

"When the fighting starts, you don't get involved," my wife said. "That's what your groomsmen are for."

It didn't come down to that, thankfully. Once dinner was served the warring factions adjourned to different corners of the ballroom. I couldn't be bothered with such petty familial in-fighting. I just wanted to have some fun, get the hell out of there, and spend the week alone with my wife. Lauren was playing with my niece and nephew, everyone was drinking and having fun, and once the party reached a certain critical mass, I'd told my wife, "We're outta there."

"Deal," she said.

But of course it didn't turn out that way, we had too much fun to walk out. I watched as my two sexy aunts took turns dancing with my tuxedoed friends, obviously enjoying the attention of so many handsome young men. But during one slow song there was a tap on my shoulder and it was Aunt Jess. "I think I get one dance," she said, and Holly sighed and said, "Be careful, he has two left feet."

"I do not," I said, indignant. "I dance divinely." I took Aunt Jess in my arms and she said, "Aren't you going to thank me?"

"For what?"

"For introducing you to Holly."

"I think Holly deserves most of the credit, but I guess you deserve an assist. Thank you."

She kissed my cheek. "You're welcome." We danced a bit more and she said. "You never told her about us, did you?"

"Hell no, of course not!"

Aunt Jess laughed. "Keeping secrets from your wife, not a good sign." I let it slide. Then she said, "You're friend Peter, he's a nice guy?"

"Yeah..."

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

This sounded ominous. "No...why?"

"Because I'm going to seduce him and fuck him tonight, and I want to make sure he's worth the trouble." She kissed me and left me sputtering. Before I could pursue her Aunt Billie stepped into my arms. "You still haven't thanked me for introducing you to Holly."

"Um, well...thank you. " No use splitting hairs again.

"You didn't tell Holly that you and I slept together, right?"

"Funny, she never asked me if I've ever committed incest with my aunts," I whispered.

She laughed. "Hey, you never know what husbands tell their wives. I just wanted to make sure." I spun her left and she looked over my shoulder. "Your friend David is a very good dancer. I can't believe such a good-looking guy doesn't have a girlfriend."

Uh-oh. "He did, but they split up awhile ago."

"Oh, that's too bad." We danced a few seconds more before she said, "I should tell you, I'm going to be spending the night with David tonight."

"Why would you want to tell me that?" I whined.

"Because I'm going to fuck one of your friends, and I'm sure he'll tell you, and I don't want to be shocked when you find out."

"I'm shocked now!"

"But it's me telling you, honey." She kissed my cheek. "Go find your wife."

I found Holly and never left her side the rest of the night. I tried to ignore my aunts slow-dancing all night with their selected victims, but it was hard. At the end of the night, when Holly and I said our good-byes, I had two brief conversations with Pete and Dave.

"Your Aunt Jess is nice," Pete said. "She's pretty hot, too."

"Your Aunt Billie is hot," Dave said. "She's pretty nice, too."

Guys, you have no idea, I thought. But you will, you will. "Have a good night, guys," I told my friends, hugged my parents, and we got the hell out of there.

In the elevator Holly said, "Finally, we can consummate this marriage."

My brows rose. "Now, that sounds nice."

"I just want to get out of this dress and get naked!"

"That sounds even nicer."

"I just hate wearing something this heavy. I can understand why wearing that Santa costume used to bug you so much."