Sea Cruise

The cruise ship was scheduled to dock in Montego Bay on Wednesday morning. We found a cheap excursion flight that would get us in at 7 am the same day. Booking a room for a partial part of the cruise was far easier than we thought it would be. It took less than an hour to schedule the flight to Jamaica and reserve the room for the cruise back.

Sheila called and left a message that they got settled into their cabin with no problem and were out at sea. She asked me to let Barry also know for Greta.

The evening was still young and we were pretty much all set. We were going to spend most of the next day getting our financial and personal affairs taken care of; banking items, bills, credit cards, as well as personal belongings. I was going to take all of my things to my parent's house for safe keeping. Barry's brother would see to his stuff. I had a good friend from work who was going to let us park our cars at his place and give us a ride to the airport. I hated having to leave at midnight, but it was necessary.

It was just a short cab ride from the airport to the cruise ship docking area. We watched from a vendors' stall as The Diamond Sunset parked itself. All we had were two carry-on bags and Barry's laptop. We were not planning on dressing up, so we had a minimum of clothing. Ten minutes later, people began streaming off the ship. Some were walking straight downtown, but most of them were headed for tour buses that were waiting in a neat little row. The whole thing was well-orchestrated as if it had been done a hundred times before.

Sheila and Greta came down the gang plank with big smiles on their faces. The two guys behind them looked just as happy. When they started to hold hands, we were able to determine which one was Clayton and which one was Calvin. They were good looking guys, maybe a few years younger than Barry and I, but definitely not macho hunks. We watched from our little private stools until they all boarded the bus scheduled to go to Dunn's River Falls. Barry waved at the guy who was taking the tickets. He said something to the driver and then came over to speak with us.

Jamaicans love to haggle. It took five minute for us to convince him to help us out; five minutes and two hundred dollars to be exact. We had no trouble pointing out Sheila and Greta to our new friend and he was more than willing to take as many pictures as possible of the two couples at the Falls. When we said that we would like them as racy as possible, he smiled and gave us a thumbs up. The bus would be back at three o'clock. We promised to be waiting with the money. He smiled again and carefully explained that it was a nice camera. Then he winked. We knew that he wanted the two hundred dollars more than the $40 dollar camera.

After the buses left, we went on board to get settled in our room. For another hundred dollars, the helpful clerk listed us as Bob Jones and James Moore. If everything went okay, we would be incognito for the whole rest of the cruise.

We grabbed a quick sandwich and then spent the rest of the afternoon familiarizing ourselves with the ships layout. In a couple hours we knew all of the stairways, elevators, and passages. We were going to avoid the dining room and show areas so that the wives wouldn't accidentally spot us. Barry got his laptop set up and did a few tests. There were no problems with the Internet access or with the E-mail communications. We discussed a plan to get into our wives rooms, but decided against it.

We were comfortably seated at the same stall we were in earlier when the buses started to return. The Dunn's River Falls bus was right on time.

Barry and I were enjoying a couple of Red Labels as Sheila, Greta, and their escorts walked right by. The straw hats we were wearing probably helped conceal us a little. Our ticket taker came over smiling from ear to ear. There was a lot of gold in that smile. He couldn't wait to show us his handywork and wouldn't shut up about the great job that he did, until Barry shoved a cold beer into his hand. It only took a few seconds to review the pictures. There was far more kissing and hugging going on than we had imagined. I handed him the two hundred dollars and a second beer for his driver.

We waited a few more minutes to make sure that the wives were safely out of the boarding area and then we made our way back to the cabin. We were planning on a busy night, but first we had to figure out how to get some supper without being seen.

There was a balcony that overlooked the entrance to the main dining area. Barry and I got a comfortable seat where we could watch the passengers lining up for the meal seating. We guessed that the wives would opt for the early meal so that they would have more time for their evening activities. like dancing, and entertainment. It wasn't too long until the four of them appeared and got into the queue. The couples were arm-in-arm and no one would ever would have guessed that they weren't married.

Barry gave me a quizzical look as I got up and walked over to the service phone. Thirty seconds later, I returned with a big grin on my face. The couples were just about to be seated when we all heard the announcement.

"Attention! Barry Bartel. Please join your party on the Lido Deck. Barry Bartel!"

It wasn't an overly loud or annoying announcement, but it was loud enough that anyone could hear it.

Greta immediately swung her head around as if she was facing some invisible loud speaker. She stepped aside to let the next group of people being seated go ahead of them. Sheila and her were having an intense conversation while Clayton and Calvin stood by patiently. All of a sudden, Greta whipped out her cell phone and hit a speed dial number. Thirty seconds later, she shook her head to indicate that there was no reply. Sheila took out her phone and made a call. The two escorts were starting to look perturbed. After Sheila got no response to her call, they all entered the dining room.

"Damn, John. That was cool. I'd give anything to be able to hear the conversation during that meal." As juvenile as it may sound, we hi-fived each other and then left for taco's and Margaritas on the Sunset Deck. An hour later, we were back in the room and ready to get to work. Today would be a sea day and the next morning we would be arriving in Cancun.

No one was at either of our houses to answer the phones and no one knew that we had left town. Even if they called my parents or Barry's brother, they could not get a hint as to where we might be.

We downloaded all of the Dunn's River Falls pictures to the laptop. Some of the pictures showed all four of them, but most of them were as couples. They were hugging and kissing in several of them. Sheila had on her new orange bikini and it appeared as if she suffered several wardrobe malfunctions on the way up the falls. Each time, she seemed to be giggling. Video would have been great, but we had to use what we had.

Barry made a collage page which contained about a dozen of the best shots. Of course, Clayton and Calvin were in all of them. We each selected our favorite shot and Barry superimposed it onto an E-mail postcard that said, "Having a Great Time. Wish You Were Here."

By nine o'clock, we had sent over two hundred E-mails. I was amazed at the number of friends, relatives, and social contacts that we had between us. Of course, everyone at International Casualty got a set of photos.

The Sky Deck was windy as hell and it was almost totally deserted. Barry and I found a quiet, hidden corner and finished off three long-necks each while we gloated about our successful first day. We had no idea what we were going to do the next day, but since the page trick worked so well we decided to try it again. We hit the sack early.

There was plenty of fruit, Danish, and coffee available all over the ship for breakfast. We steered clear of the main dining areas and the most populated common areas. We used the service stairs rather than the elevators. Barry and I were on the rear of the Sun Deck, enjoying some type of rum drink with pineapple. The Sun Deck overlooked the main pool area, which was just starting to get a little action. We were on our second drink when Sheila and Greta arrived and got comfortable on a couple of lounge chairs. Clayton and Calvin were nowhere around.

We had no idea what to do, so we just watched. A teenage boy was hanging out on the other side of the deck. He looked bored as hell except for the cell phone that his fingers were dancing on. I was always fascinated by how fast the young kids could send text messages on those things. I nudged Barry and we wandered over towards the kid.

How do two unattached men approach a teenage boy on a cruise ship without looking like pedophiles? It was awkward as hell, but we did finally manage. He had no trouble letting us use his cell phone for twenty bucks.

Sheila's left boob popped out of her bikini top when she reached for her cell phone. Barry was giggling as he watched my wife attempt to tuck her tit back in and answer the phone at the same time. Of course she didn't recognize the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Sheila. It's John. Sorry I wasn't able to get to the phone when you called last night."

"I called home three times, John. Your phone says that you are calling from Baltimore."

"Sorry. I had to borrow this one. You know I can't call from mine."

"Is everything okay, John? Your parents had no idea where you were."

"I'm fine. Just staying busy. Are you having fun?"

"Yeah. We are having a great time. Sorry you couldn't have made it."

"Okay. Well say hello to Greta for me. I have to give the guy his phone back. Oh before I let you go, I just wanted to let you know that you look really good in the orange bikini. I don't remember seeing it before. Bye."

"What? John? ....."

Barry and I were both laughing like crazy when I hung up.

Before handing the phone back to our benefactor, Barry and I both entered call blocks against Sheila and Greta's phone. I gave the kid another twenty and told him to remember that he never saw us. He thought that was cool and readily agreed.

Sheila and Greta were searching all around the ship to see if they could spot me. Sheila covered herself up with a large towel as if she was trying not to be seen. It was a silly thing to do. She made an attempt to do a call back on the number, twice, but finally gave up. A few minutes later Clayton and Calvin arrived.

Barry went right over to the Sun Deck service phone. He came back to the railing a few moments later, with a big grin on his face.

"Attention! Barry Bartel, please join your party at the shuffle board courts. Barry Bartel to the shuffleboard courts, please."

As soon as they heard the announcement, there was a flurry of activity at pool side. Greta and Sheila grabbed their stuff and started towards the shuffleboard area on the port side of the boat. Clayton and Calvin just stood there, looking disgusted. We watched our wives carefully from above.

They waited around for a half an hour before leaving. As they were walking back to their room, Sheila took out her phone and made a call. The look on her face told us that the postcards had arrived home. I don't know who she called, but it didn't matter. Everybody in the world who knew us as a couple had the pictures of Sheila and Greta with their boyfriends. They spent several minutes standing in the middle of the deck looking at the displays on Sheila's cell phone and then darted towards the cabin deck.

Clayton and Calvin went to the evening meal without their companions that evening. They spent the rest of the evening drinking in the cabaret bar on the Laguna Deck. Barry and I sat in a far corner the entire night with beer and pizza. They never saw us. We were trying to determine if we wanted to get close enough to overhear their conversation, but decided against it. Our wives never showed up. About midnight, they both left the bar, quite drunk. A few of the crew had to help them back to their cabins. We never did find out exactly what the sleeping arrangements were, but we really didn't care.

We were on the Sun Deck having fresh fruit and coffee for breakfast as the Diamond Sunset docked at Cancun. Most of the passengers were on the Promenade Deck waiting to depart for the day's festivities. We hadn't decided what we were going to do today. It seemed a little foolish to try and follow the two couples while they were on shore. None of that mattered because two of the first people to get off the ship were Sheila and Greta with their suitcases. They were not going on any daytrips, they were getting off the boat, leaving the cruise, and deserting the ship. While the rest of the tourists were getting on the trip buses, Sheila and Greta got into a taxicab and sped off.

Barry and I just had to have another hi-five. We hadn't planned on anything like this happening. At some point, we had expected that our wives would find us. The boat ain't that damn big. Apparently, they didn't even try. Clayton and Calvin had also left the boat and gotten into one of the tour buses. We couldn't tell if they were upset with the situation or not.

We had a nice sit-down lunch in the semi-deserted dining room. The ship had one more stop to make; in The Grand Caymans before getting home. We had to start planning. Maybe later.

We got to have a nice, leisurely sit-down lunch in the dining room. Most of the passengers were on shore, but since Sheila and Greta were gone, it didn't matter anyhow. Things had become a lot more relaxed and enjoyable. The ship was leaving Cancun later this evening and arriving in the Cayman Islands tomorrow afternoon. Tonight would be a good time to have a heart-to-heart talk with Clayton and Calvin. Barry and I had no idea what we were going to say to them.

There was assigned seating in the formal dining room. Of course, our wives and their boyfriends had a nice table for four and two of the seats were now empty. Barry and I waiting for Clayton and Calvin to get seated and then simply walked up to their table and sat down. Nobody stopped us or questioned us.

It was time for introductions.

"Good evening gentlemen. I assume that you both know who we are. Is that correct?"

Calvin managed to give Barry and I a short nod, but Clayton just glared. His eyes darted back and forth between us as his head tilted forwards. It was easy to tell that he was not happy to see us. The reaction from them was different; Calvin seemed to be scared and uncertain while Clayton was just pissed off.

"Gentleman. Mister Bartel and I will not be joining you for supper. There are three days left on this cruise and we just wanted to warn you to be extremely careful."

I heard Barry snicker, but I didn't look over at him. Calvin looked inquisitive, but Clayton just seemed to be a little more aggravated.

"Just remember that two hundred and twenty-two people fall overboard while on pleasure cruises every year and are never seen again."

I paused for a few seconds for dramatic effect and then Barry and I got up and walked out of the dining room. We could hear Calvin chatting away, but couldn't make out what he was saying.

We both decided on tacos and beer for supper. We didn't go out on the deck because of the damn wind, but the sunset was beautiful through the lounge windows.

"Well John, that was cool. I don't know what you are expecting to happen, but you sure did get their attention."

"I am not sure either. Let's wait until tomorrow and then play it by ear."

Well things didn't go exactly as planned.

"Gentlemen. I am Mister Sorrenson. Could I have a minute of your time please."

Barry and I swiveled our chairs around to face a big Nordic crewman who was addressing us. He had two other crew members with him who were quietly standing to the side. I looked over at Barry. We smiled at each other, and then nodded to this paragon of authority.

"Am I talking to Mister Jones and Mister Moore, or to Mister Bartel and Mister Connor?"

"Bartel and Connor." There didn't seem to be any point to lie to them about our identity.

"A couple of our passengers have reported that you had threatened to throw them off of the ship. Do you have an explanation for why they would do that?"

"Oh no. We didn't threaten them. We just quoted a statistic about accidents at sea. We were actually advising them to be careful."

"That was an implied threat and both of you know that."

"Now why would we do such a thing?"

The Big Swede, or whatever he was, nodded towards a quiet part of the lounge and we all moved in that direction.

"Gentlemen. Did you threaten Mister Bostic and Mister Mankey?"

Barry and I looked at each other and seemed to agree on the answer.

"Yes. Although it was not worded as a threat, we said it with that intent."

"Was there a reason for this threat?"

"Of course there was. In fact, you were part of that reason."

I could tell from his expression that he was waiting for a more complete explanation.

"Mister Sorrenson, Nordic Cruise Lines booked those two gentlemen into cabins with our wives. Mister Bostic was spending the week with Mrs. Bartel and Mister Mankey was sharing a cabin with my wife. It appears that Nordic Cruise Lines is running some sort of sex-on-the-high-seas-cruise. You are catering to married women who are looking for a way to spend time with their lovers. I am sure that you are fully covered for something like this from a legal standpoint, but it sure as hell looks and sounds sleazy to me."

"Mister Connor, I understand your frustration with the actions of your wives, but surly you don't think that the cruise line encourages or condones activities of this sort. We are a family oriented company and intend to stay that way."

Neither Barry nor I had an answer for him. Oh, we had plenty to say, but at the moment it felt like no comment was the best comment. We both leaned back in our chairs and smiled. Sorrenson seemed a little flustered, but still in control.

"I am afraid that we are going to have to report this to the authorities. They will probably have some questions for you."

"What authorities? We are on the high seas. You are the authorities aren't you?"

"Mister Connor. Mister Bartel. I would like you to avoid any contact with Mister Mankey and Mister Bostic for the rest of the cruise. Can you give me some assurance that you will not cause any problems until we arrive at Miami?"

Barry and I smiled and nodded. The entire group disappeared and left us sitting alone. We spent the rest of the evening in the cabin, sending E-mails to every crappy media outlet in the county. We exaggerated and downright lied about a lot of stuff, but figured that if just one or two of them picked it up, we would be vindicated. We even included a few pictures, even though we knew that they couldn't be published.

The next morning we had a full breakfast in the dining room. Clayton and Calvin did not show up for the meal. We walked past their rooms later and saw breakfast dishes sitting outside of their cabin doors.

When the ship docked at Grand Cayman Islands, we watched as Calvin went down the gangplank with his luggage. Good old Calvin was abandoning ship. He was leaving his buddy behind to face the music alone.

Barry and I decided to enjoy a day on shore. There wasn't a whole lot to do, but we did get to swim with the manta rays. It was fun, but I kept thinking about that damn crocodile hunter guy. It was the only thing that we did on the whole trip that wasn't revenge motivated.

That evening, we enjoyed a full service meal again. Clayton was nowhere to be seen. He might have left the ship after we did, but I seriously doubted it.

Barry had over thirty E-mail responses to the postcard that we had sent out. Most of them were of the LOL type, but a few were either serious or took us to task for doing such a despicable thing.We were glad to know that they had reached our target audience. Friends and acquaintances seemed to think it was humorous, but replies from family members took us to task. There were no messages from either Sheila or Greta.