Sentence

"Strategy? What do you mean?"

"Don't interrupt," she snapped. "This is hard enough for me to tell you. I'm almost done.

"I thought of a way to prepare you, so you would be less traumatized. Don't blame this on Jake or anyone else. It's all my idea. I haven't told anyone, and nobody is ever going to know but you and me unless you tell them, because I never will."

Hillary got up and walked out of the kitchen. He heard her opening the coat closet in the entry hall and pulling something off the shelf. When she returned, she was carrying a metal box he recognized from work. It was used to safely transport computer drives from one office to another, often in different buildings.

She brought it to the table and then got a key from her purse to unlock it. Because he was seated when she opened it, the top blocked him from seeing what was inside.

"This is what we're going to do for the next seven nights," she said as she reached in and took out a small vibrating dildo and placed it on the table. He flinched as she turned it on and he heard the soft buzzing sound.

"We'll start with this," she said as she pushed it toward him. Without thinking, he put his hands on the table and pushed himself back. She kept talking, and he kept staring at the dildo as if it were a loaded gun aimed at him.

"Once you are used to that we'll move on to these," she said as she took out more dildos, each one longer and wider than the others. The last one was made of a rubbery material. It was so long that it curved down from its weight. She lifted something else out. It wasn't a dildo, but a kind of harness.

"This is what I'll wear," she said. "As you can see, the largest one fits right in here. I'll be using lots of lubrication and will be careful, but it will hurt at first. The idea is to open you wider so that he won't tear you. His cock is smaller than this one.

"As I use it on you, I'll be doing other things that he likes to do, like pulling you by your balls, squeezing them and slapping your ass.

"But mostly I'll be talking to you. Jake wanted to know why I wanted so much detail on what this guy says and does during sex. He wondered if I was getting turned on by his descriptions. But I kept pressing him to find out as much as he could.

"The guy is a real sadist. While he's fucking you, he'll be trying to humiliate you and make you question your manhood. He'll make you beg him to let you do things that are filthy and disgusting, like suck his cock right after he takes it out of your ass. Later, he'll remind you what you did in front of other inmates.

"For the next week, I'm going to be that guy, I'm going to say those things, and you are going to do everything for me that you will have to do for him. I've even been saving some of your come to ..."

"You've been doing what?" Sterling cried out.

His voice was choked and high pitched.

"It's your come, and I've saved it in the refrigerator. I'll heat it up, and it will represent his come, which he's going to make you ..."

She stopped because she saw Sterling was starting to hyperventilate. She waited until his breathing slowed and then changed the subject.

"I'm not going to put in earplugs, because I want to hear everything you say so I can react to it the way he would. It's going to be a week of hell.

"When it's over, you'll be prepared. When you act surprised, hurt and humiliated, he won't know that your wife immunized you against the worst things that he'll do to you. He won't be able to mess with your mind -- not much anyway."

As she spoke, Sterling began looking at the table. She gradually spoke louder because she wasn't sure he was listening. Now she stopped and reached across the table. She gently put her hands on his head and lifted it up.

Sterling's eyes were blank, and he looked lifeless, like a department store dummy. She waited for him to talk. When he didn't, she tried to keep from clenching her jaw as she spoke.

"I'm going to be hard and cruel, Sterling. That's what you need. Let's get started."

She stood up and took a step toward him, reaching her arm out. As she did, he jumped up and quickly backed away a few steps and yelled, "No!"

"Yes!" she shouted back. "We've got to do this."

He shuddered and spoke again in a subdued voice.

"No. I understand the logic of your idea. But emotionally, I can't do it.

"As much pain as your plan might save me, it's nothing compared to what it would do to my mind. Just listening to you describe what you want to do to me, I'm scared out of my skin.

"I've never backed away from anything in my life, and you know sometimes I'm a little too proud of that. I admit it. But this is nothing like anything I've ever had to face before -- as a child, as an adult, at work or in our marriage.

"It's even worse than this horrible thing that someone is doing to me, that is driving me crazy, because I can't figure out who it is and how it's being done and why I'm going to jail for it. Even that has never made me feel the way you did just now. It felt like you were tearing the guts out of my body. I'm sorry. I have to sit down."

He collapsed back into the kitchen chair, nearly knocking it over. Hillary continued to stand, looking down at him with her face locked into emotionless control.

Finally, she sat down across from him. His head had dropped, and when she spoke to him, he put his hands on his ears. She reached over and pulled them down.

"Listen," she said, her voice still detached. "I'm not going to say anything more about this today. You need some time to deal with this. Tomorrow night when the children are in bed, we'll get started. I'm not giving up on this, because I never give up on you. You know that.

"It's the same thing as your conviction. You may be resigned to it, but I told you I'm going to take care of it. I know what the problem is, and as soon as I can get my hands on your laptop and office computer, I'll find it, and you're going to be cleared.

"We're going to get back all the legal fees and court costs, and those government lawyers are going to be writing letters of apology and feeling lucky that they agreed to reduce your sentence in return for us signing an agreement that we would never sue them."

"I'm glad you've haven't lost any of your confidence and determination," he said. "Whatever else happens, you did get the sentence reduced and that was awesome.

"I know the Feds are convinced they'll eventually find the money and put me away forever on tax evasion. One of them told me they'd go after me at least five years, maybe more."

"Don't talk like that, Sterling," Hillary said. Her face had changed back to her normal expression, and her voice was full of emotion.

"Within a month after you get out, you'll be totally exonerated and everyone who doubted you will look stupid. You have to believe me."

"I believe you are confident you can do it," he said. "But whoever did this to me is an evil genius and much smarter than I am."

"You've always said I'm the smartest person you know," she said. "Have you forgotten that?"

"I haven't forgotten," he said. "But I don't know this guy. I've been trying for over a year to figure out how he did what he did, but I don't have any more of an idea than when I started."

"That's because there is no guy," she said. "I told you it's something in the coding. I'll find it and fix it and embarrass the hell out of all the genius government hackers."

"Except for one thing," he said.

"I'll explain that, too," she said. "It's all bad coding."

"Yes, bad coding that stopped the withdrawals as soon as they put me on leave and confiscated my computers," he said, more to himself than Hillary.

She stood up from the table and abruptly said, "We're done for tonight."

***********

He had a hard time falling asleep that night, and when he was awakened by Hillary shaking him, he felt himself drenched in sweat.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You were screaming. I didn't want you to wake up the kids."

"I'm sorry," he said. The sweat was turning cold, and he began shivering.

"Were you having a nightmare?"

"I don't know. Let's go back to sleep."

Sleep didn't come easily for him. Hillary stayed awake watching him for some time before she finally fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning, he was already downstairs. He hardly said anything to her all day and was relieved when the children came home and he could devote himself to them. She watched him with them and said nothing until they were getting ready for bed.

As she was about to open her mouth, he stopped her.

"Don't say anything, Hillary! I don't want to hear it. I'm not going to do it."

"You saw what happened to you last night," she responded. "If just talking about it does that to you, it's going to be a million times worse the first time he --"

"Stop right there! I know you mean well, but I can't take it. Do I have to leave and find someplace else to sleep tonight?"

She looked at him. He had hardly eaten all day, and he looked weak, as if he could barely stand. He was leaning against the dresser for support. His eyes were hollow, and his face was gaunt. He was gritting his teeth and seemed to be trying to keep himself from falling apart.

"I won't say anything more," she said, "but I'm not giving up. I'm going to be looking at you every chance I get from now until the day you report, and my look will remind you of what we have to do. I will never give up on you."

As the days passed, he began unraveling. He continued to push away food and drink. His body shook almost constantly. At times, he collapsed onto a chair or the couch and burst into tears.

Though he didn't wake up screaming again, he continued to have nightmares. He began to delay going to bed. He stayed in the living room while she went upstairs and didn't go up until she was sleeping. One night, he fell asleep on the couch. The next morning, she found him there and got him upstairs before the children noticed.

The only time he held it together was when the kids were around. She watched him muster his energy to convince them he was not the man who was a ghost of himself when they weren't around. To see him like that brought tears to her eyes, and she struggled to hide her emotions from all of them.

On Sunday night, after the children were asleep, Hillary sat in the kitchen facing him and wiped a tear from her right eye as she said quietly, "Please look at me, Sterling."

When he took his head out of his hands and looked up at her, she was smiling a sad smile.

"I give up," she said. "I tried my best. But today I realized that even though we didn't do it the way I planned, I think this week accomplished what I wanted."

"How?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"Because you've been torturing yourself by imagining things that were probably worse than the reality will be."

Sterling looked at her.

"I know you meant well," he said, "and I'm ashamed that at times I hated you putting me through the mental torture. But let's forget it, because I want to talk to you about something else that I've been thinking about every night. I want a divorce."

"What? What did you say?"

Her composure suddenly disappeared. His statement shocked her, and her face showed it.

"I said it wrong," he said. "I want you to divorce me."

"Why would I ever divorce you?" she asked. "Do you think I have even one tiny doubt about your innocence?

"How many times do I have to tell you that I know exactly what happened? It's a subroutine that went flaky. You know how that can happen. The chances of it happening like this are low, but it did, and I'm going to show everyone that you had nothing to do with it. I'm going to show them that there is no missing money. It's all there, but until the subroutine is fixed, the accountants can't see it.

"I told the boss all this when I agreed to come back for a few months and take over your job temporarily. Your assistant has been so upset by what happened to you that the department has been drifting, so I'm filling in while they search for a replacement for you.

"But they're not going to find a replacement, because every minute that I'm not taking care of IT business will be spent on your computer and laptop until I can fix the problem. Within a week after you get out, you'll have your job back. You know all this."

"Yes," he said. "You've told me your plan, but..."

"Wait a second," she interrupted, looking at her watch. "I've got to make a call. I'll be right back."

"Who are you calling at this hour?" he asked as she got up and began walking to the phone in the family room. Apparently, she didn't want to him to hear her conversation.

As she walked by him, she said, "I'm sorry, but this is important. I don't want to say anything now, but I'll tell you about it in a few days."

He waited. The call was short, and when she came back and sat down, she said, "Now where were we?"

"I was starting to tell you that I believe in you. If anyone can catch the guy who did this to me, you can. But even if you do catch him, it will take years. This guy is good.

"Meanwhile, the Feds are not going to let up on me. I won't have a job. Yes, I know, we don't need the money. But you and the children will be stigmatized, and some of our friends are going to turn out to be fair weather friends. It always happens. You're going to go through hell. The kids don't deserve it, and you don't deserve it. And I don't deserve you and the kids. Without me, you can build your lives."

"We've gone through this all before," she said. "You're talking like you're guilty. Even if you were, you're forgetting that guilty or innocent, I would never stop loving you and fighting for you. But you aren't guilty. We both know that, so don't talk about what the kids and I deserve."

"I'll say it again," he said. "I don't deserve you. You have good reason to divorce me. I cheated on you."

"Oh my god!" she screamed. "What did you just say?"

"I said I cheated on you," he said. "It wasn't for very long, and it didn't mean anything to me. And afterward, I wasn't really sure why I did it.

"But I did it. I dishonored you, the kids, and our marriage. I don't deserve you. You'll be better off without me, so you can just bring the papers to prison and I'll sign them."

Hillary was rocking back and forth in her chair and holding herself with both hands. Her eyes were closed, and she was repeating over and over, "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

She wasn't looking at Sterling. It was like she was talking to herself.

"I'm really sorry," he said. "I knew you'd go crazy like this if you ever found out. That's the only reason I never confessed. I can see how much this hurts you. But now you're going to have no trouble divorcing me, so it's for the best."

He didn't say anything else as he watched her rock and repeat the same three words for more than a minute. Finally, she stopped, opened her eyes and looked at him. He was surprised because he expected to see her face filled with rage, but instead she looked like she was scared to death.

"Are you okay?" he said, concerned.

"Yes," she said and let out a long sigh as her face relaxed a little. "I'm sorry for acting like that, but I just dodged a bullet."

"I'm glad you see things my way," he said.

"What?" she said. She was silent for a few moments. Then her words tumbled out quickly.

"Oh, you mean the divorce. That's silly, and you can forget it. I meant the phone call I just made to Jake. If I had made it just a couple of minutes later, I would have regretted it the rest of my life.

"You would have thought I made it because you told me about you and Kali. No matter how hard I tried to convince you, you would still be thinking that. No -- no, no -- I don't even want to imagine that. Oh my god!"

He looked confused as she grabbed his arm and pulled him up and embraced him. He felt her shaking and heard her crying and repeating "Oh my god!" He held her tightly until she calmed down.

They sat again and were silent for a while, each lost in thought, until he said, "So you knew about Kali and me?"

She looked at him, but he could tell her thoughts were someplace else.

"What did you say?" she finally asked. Then she remembered.

"Yes, yes, I knew. But the most important thing in my life right now is that you remember when I called Jake. I had given up. I was sure you would never confess, but I called Jake anyway. And...and you confessed after I called. Will you remember? Do you promise?"

"Yes," he said, "but I'm confused. Is there something between you and Jake? Did you just call him to break it off? I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"I'll tell you in a couple of days if you don't figure it out. Remember, you're almost as smart as me."

She laughed a bitter laugh.

"Thank you, I guess," he said. "Do you want to hear about Kali or would you rather not?"

"Do you feel like talking about it? I only want to hear about it if it feels better for you to get it off your chest."

He told her how he and Kali had been a team similar to the Hillary/Sterling team, and they had liked each other and were loyal to each other. Although Kali was happily married with children and he was, too, one late night when they were working alone, some mutual joking led to flirting which then led to them having sex at the office.

He said that was the only place they ever did it, because the thought of sneaking around to hotel rooms repulsed both of them. They never planned anything and they only had sex maybe a dozen times during the short affair. It ended when they realized that even though they'd probably never get caught, the sex wasn't any better or even different from what they had at home. The whole thing seemed pointless.

"We tried to figure out why we did it in the first place, but we were never sure. She felt it might have been because her marriage was arranged, and I thought maybe it was because she was Indian and that made her seem exotic. And that was it."

"Did you and Kali rehearse your stories together?"

"Why? What do you mean?"

"Because she told me almost exactly the same thing."

"Is that how you found out? Did she tell you when you saw her at the courthouse?"

"No. I told her I knew about it, and she volunteered the details."

"When did you find out?"

"I actually suspected something when you came home after the first time you fucked Kali. Maybe you were out of practice, but I saw right through your deception techniques, so I knew something was up, but I didn't find out for sure until Kali confirmed the date later.

"I waited a couple of months -- until after my birthday -- to hire a private detective just in case my intuition was wrong and you were covering up a surprise present. The PI could see I was frothing like a rabid dog and spent a lot of time warning me about doing anything crazy.

"I didn't listen to him. I was only thinking about how I could murder you and get away with it. But I wasn't going to hire a hit man and make it easy on you. I was going to personally torture you into a slow, agonizing death and enjoy every scream. I got tremendous satisfaction from being able to hide my thoughts so well that you had no clue about the terrible things I was planning for you.

"Eventually, I calmed down and decided that wrecking her family and ruining both your lives would satisfy me. When I got the report and the evidence I needed, the detective told me that apparently you had both ended it a week before. He said it was the shortest affair he had ever investigated. I had him stay on the case for another month to confirm he was right.

"There I was with everything I needed for my revenge. But your affair was so short that I hesitated. I finally decided that it would be overkill to destroy two families. The punishment didn't fit the crime."