Setting The Wall Ch. 2/2

It wasn't enough. I went at him wildly, connecting sometimes, but more often not. He fought back with just as much fury and it wasn't long before both of us were aching from bruises and the split knuckles we'd gotten from causing them. Finally when the worst of our rage was exhausted, I stepped back and looked at him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" My voice was cold and deadly and if Pete had been thinking straight he'd have backed off. But he wasn't and he didn't. He swung again and this time I was ready and blocked him enough that it glanced off of my chin.

That seemed to piss him off even further and he dealt with that by standing so close and yelling that I could feel his spit on my cheeks. "What's my problem?" He screamed. "Hell, I don't have a problem. Except maybe the one about seeing my best friend drooling over some fairy he'd supposedly just met last night."

I froze. Oh shit.

"A guy?" He continued. "Jesus fucking Christ, A GUY!"

He stopped, but if he was waiting for a response he'd have a goddamn long wait. His words almost stopped my heart. There was no way I was going to be able to respond to his questions. Finally, he seemed to figure that out and continued, no longer shouting, but still just as intense.

"How long Max? How long you been a fag, a goddamn cocksucker? Or maybe you like taking it up the ass? That what really turns you on?" He connected another punch to my jaw, but I just stood there, letting him get in his shots. He barely seemed to notice. "Shit, how could you do that to Tess, man? How could you lie to her that way? Christ, she loves you and you don't even know how fucking lucky that makes you."

Even if I could have thought of an argument, I wouldn't have used it. He was right. I'd always known that no matter how many justifications I could come up with when I looked at myself in the mirror. Now I was looking at Pete's face and the betrayal, the pain, was almost more than I could bear.

He clenched his fist and pulled back again. I wasn't going to stop him. The hit was a good one and I doubled over from the pain in my belly. In a way it was almost a relief. I couldn't think if I couldn't breathe.

My face was vulnerable now and Pete had always been a dirty fighter. He'd had to be because of his size and I could guess what was coming next. He lifted his knee to connect with my face and I braced myself. I only hoped that this one would knock me unconscious. And I wasn't all that concerned either about when, or if, I'd wake up.

Nothing happened. I finally got my breath back and looked up. He was standing there, looking at me. I didn't know which was clenched tighter, his jaw or his fists.

It must have been his fists, because he got his jaws to work. "Aren't you even going to try and explain?"

I stood shakily. For one second, I honestly thought about lying, but what was the point? Somehow, Pete figured out my big, dark secret and I just didn't have the energy to deny it to him.

"What do you want me to say? You seem to have all the answers."

As suddenly as it started, it was over. I saw Pete's shoulders slump and his hands relax, and I knew he'd lost heart for the fight. Like me, it seemed that all he had left was an overwhelming sense of loss.

"I want," and his voice sounded defeated and I noticed his cheeks were wet, too. He already knew the answer. "I want you tell me I'm not right."

"Wish I could, bud" I tried to sound calm, but the next sentence was barely audible. "You have no idea how much."

He clenched his fists again and for a minute I though he'd take another swing at me. The moment passed and he just shrugged and looked at the ground. I figured that was my cue and I turned to leave.

I was numb. I didn't have a clue what was going to happen next. Pete and I had been keeping each other's secrets for almost twenty years, but I didn't know if that arrangement still held after this afternoon. I wasn't even sure I cared. It had suddenly grown clear to me that I really didn't give a good goddamn who he told or didn't tell. What mattered was I was losing my best friend and I didn't have a fucking clue how to stop that from happening.

"Max, wait!"

I was getting in my car when I heard him call to me. I watched him as he limped over and then he stuck his head in the door.

"I'm going to follow you home." It was an order more than a statement.

I nodded, but didn't say anything. He took that as an affirmative and gimped his way over to his car. I watched as he got behind the wheel and then carefully followed him out of the parking lot.

It took fifteen minutes to get to my place, but I have no memory of how we got there. My mind had shut down and all I could do was mechanically steer and brake and step on the gas. The only thing that was getting through to me was the pain my body was telling me it was feeling and even that was negligible in comparison to the turmoil in my brain. But by the time we pulled into the drive I could hardly see out of my left eye and when I opened the car door I groaned with the effort to stand.

Pete wasn't much better, but neither of us commented on it as we slowly made our way up to my second floor apartment. When we'd fought as kids, the aftermath was always full of good-natured ribbing about who was in worse shape. Our adolescent way of apology, I guess. This time we had nothing to say to each other and Pete wouldn't even look at me.

When we got inside he went and sat in my only armchair and I went into the bathroom and found the Ibuprofen. I threw him the bottle on my way to the kitchen and then came back with two glasses of water and some bags of frozen vegetables for our various bruises. I gave him one of the waters and some bags, but he didn't say thank you, just handed me the bottle and proceeded to drink.

I stifled a groan as I sat on the couch. Then I shook out about five of the pills and popped them in my mouth. Pete just sat there and watched me until I'd finished the glass and slapped a bag of peas over my eye. Then he cleared his throat.

"How long?" He said softly and held the corn I'd given him up to his neck where I'd managed to clip him with a lucky shot.

I raised my eyebrows and wished I hadn't. "How long with Devlin, or how long have I been interested in men sexually?"

He flinched, but he didn't look away. "Both. But start with the last one."

"I guess I kind of always liked guys," I started slowly and watched for a reaction, but except for one blink there wasn't any. "But I really didn't know what that meant until the summer between seventh and eighth grade when I went to camp and you went out west to visit your uncle's ranch."

"Go on."

"At camp there was this kid and..."

Pete put up his hand. "Spare me all the details, just tell me the gist of things."

"Don't worry," I couldn't help the note of sarcasm that crept into my voice. "I have no intention of over-sharing."

Pete flushed, embarrassed. "Okay, sorry, go on."

"Anyway, there was this kid and he showed me a few things. He assured me it was just fooling around and didn't mean shit. Maybe that was true for him, but for me, well, let's just say it was a revelation. After it was over, camp I mean, I convinced myself that what he'd told me was right, it was just stuff to do until I got a girl and that once I did, I'd realize that messing with guys wasn't really all that great."

"I remember," he nodded, "when I got home you were so hot to find a babe."

"Yeah, well, there ya go." I grimaced and wiped away a trickle of water that was running down my neck. "And in a way it was the truth. After I started dating, being with a guy didn't seem like that big a thing. Not that I really had anything to compare it to."

I waggled my eyebrows, expecting his habitual snort, but Pete didn't even crack a smile. I flushed. It was hard to remember Pete wasn't my old bud anymore and we weren't just hanging out shooting the shit. I cleared my throat and started again.

"You remember, the girls weren't exactly eager to put out at that age. I guess I just figured that it would be the same or maybe even better. Later I did finally manage to convince someone to do the deed..."

"Tracy Schultz." Pete prompted and I grinned forgetting again that we were no longer friends.

"Yeah, Tracy Schultz. So afterwards, I couldn't understand it. This was the big deal? I mean it was nice, yeah, but it didn't exactly blow my socks off."

"So you decided to try guys again." his voice was flat like he was trying to pretend the answer didn't matter.

I shook my head frustrated, "No, no, it's not - it wasn't like that. After Tracy and me, I guess I thought, oh well, chalk up one more disappointment. There's no Santa Claus, the tooth fairy is really Dad and sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. I figured it would be better with someone you loved and all, but really by that time I'd pretty much so decided it wasn't going to be all that big a deal for me."

"I even started to think that my great time at camp had really been more about it being my first and not because the sex was actually better." It was getting easier to talk. Hell, for the first time I had an audience and I found I needed to get this stuff out. "I have to tell you it was almost a relief. I figured I could finally quit worrying about raging hormones and just get on with things - and I did. At least for a while. I met Tess too, and that was better because I really did love her, but basically I thought I'd figured it out."

Pete didn't look like he wanted to ask the next question, but he did anyway. "What changed your mind, since I'm assuming this is where you're leading."

"College," I forced myself to keep looking him in the eye, "there was a guy in my dorm. I don't know how he sensed it, or maybe he didn't and just got lucky, but he found me. He was gay, but really secretive about it."

"Like you." The words weren't an accusation, but not real friendly either.

I winced, but decided it would be better to let that comment pass. "He taught me things." Like how to take it in the ass and love it - Pete was right about that - but I doubted he wanted to know that much. "I found there was a big difference in how I felt with sex with him. Eventually I figured out it wasn't just him, but men in general."

"Jesus!" Pete stood and started to pace. "So all this time, you've been gay?"

"No," I shook my head, still denying even then what I was finally accepting as the truth. "It wasn't like that. I didn't think of it like that. I wasn't totally gay. I like women, and I love Tess, I really do."

"That is such bullshit, Max." His eyes glittered with an emotion I couldn't name. "Don't you see that for shit's sake? You don't love someone and lie to them the way you have to that girl. You can't do this to her, you have to tell her the truth."

"You think it's that simple?" I asked ironically.

"Oh." He sneered at me. "Like your life has been simple up to now."

"You know," I told him, "I promised myself that once Tess and I were married, I'd be done screwing around."

Pete snorted then looked at my face and stopped. "Okay, maybe you did, maybe you even believed it for a while. But tell me honestly, do you believe it now? Do you really think you could give up that guy for Tess?"

I looked at him in shock and he nodded grimly.

"I saw you two together. I saw you with him, how you tried to take his hand. The way you looked at him when he pulled away, the way he looked at you. How else do you think I figured this out? I'm not a fucking psychic."

"Yeah, well you ain't Dr. Ruth either, so don't give me that crap about how you saw anything in my eyes."

"You're wrong, Max, dead wrong. See, I know that look. It's the, 'I want you so bad I'd die to get you, but I know I can't get you.', look. You have it and that Dev guy has it." He dropped his head and stared at his hands.

"Jesus," I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Why do I feel like any minute we're going to hear the theme song from All My Children?"

There was a stunned silence and then I heard a sound I'd been afraid I'd never hear again. Pete was laughing. "You're such a schmuck," he said.

I grinned at him and for a moment it was like old times. But Pete seemed to realize that too, and it was clear he wasn't ready to have that happen right now, if ever again.

The smile died on my face and I cleared my throat. "So, what happens next?"

He looked at me, puzzled. When he finally answered, it was clear he'd misunderstood the question. "You said you were going to tell me about him," Pete interrupted my thoughts. "I think now would be the time."

"There isn't much to tell." I lied. "I met Devlin a few months ago at The Station."

"Jesus!" Pete snorted in disgust.

"Yeah, right, I went there looking for a pick up."

For the first time since we'd gotten back to the apartment I felt a little spurt of anger. After all the guilt it felt great and I decided to feed it. So okay, it was true that Pete had a right to be pissed at me for keeping this from him, but he didn't need to act so fucking high and mighty.

"Tell me you've never gone looking for sex?" I knew the answer to that and he knew I did.

"It's not the same..."

"Oh right," I shot back, "it's faggots doing it. That's what makes it so much worse!"

Pete's eyes widened. "That's not what I meant."

"Bullshit!" I was almost ready to fight again.

"What I meant was," he was almost yelling, like being louder made him right, "that you're engaged. You had no business looking for any extra sex." He stood and started to pace and I flashed on Devlin doing the same thing the night before. "I don't give a goddamn shit what kind of sex you think you have to have. It could be with wall-eyed goats for all I give a fuck and it wouldn't matter. But you, you," he searched for the word. "You present yourself as this stand up guy, this paragon. You went out and you got yourself engaged for Christ's sake. You promised another human being that you were committed to her." He abruptly lowered his voice. "And that's what isn't the same, Max. It isn't the same - and it isn't right."

"But..."

"No," he shook his head, "it isn't, and there not a shittin' thing you can say to me to make me change my mind. I don't know what goes on in that pea brain of yours, Max." He took a deep breath and I could actually see him struggling for control. Apparently he found some somewhere, because when he started to speak again his voice was a lot softer and deceptively calm. "Look, I don't live your life nor do I pretend to have the least idea how that feels. But I do know that for most of it you've been a stand up guy, at least with me. And I don't think you really believe that what you've been doing is right."

I opened my mouth to say something, but he waved me off.

"And before you get all pissed off, I don't mean the gay shit, I'm talking about the double life. You gotta decide, Max." He sat back down and finally shut up.

"No," I shook my head smiled ironically. "I think you got that turned around, Pete. You're the one holding the cards now. So tell me, what's it going to be?" Again he didn't look like he knew what I was talking about. I tried again to clue him in. "You hold my fate in your hands, Pete. You have to know that. So, what happens next?"

I sat there and watched him process this way of thinking of things. Then his eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute. You can't possibly be thinking of still going through with this marriage, are you?"

"Why not?" He snorted and started to speak, but I stopped him. "Really, what's changed? Okay for about an hour now you've known something about me that's always been there anyway. I told you," I repeated, when he still didn't look convinced, "I'm done with men. What you saw this afternoon wasn't some planned thing. I had no idea Dev would be in that restaurant. We'd already broken it off. He knows how it is with me."

I squelched the little voice in the back of my head that was telling me what a big fat liar I was. The way I figured it was I was already going to hell, one more lie wasn't going to get me there any quicker.

"Yeah, maybe so," Pete was smarter than he looked, "but when you saw him, you sure as shit ran after him fast enough. Didn't look much like a goodbye from where I was standing."

I had no comeback for that. If I told him that I'd just been trying to return Dev's wallet, Pete would ask how I'd gotten it in the first place and I wasn't prepared to go there with him, not now, not ever.

"I can't help how it looked," I finally said, "I only know what it was."

Pete stared hard at me falling back on his long ingrained boast that he could always see it in my face when I was lying. There been a thousand times when I'd proved his little theory wrong, but I couldn't see where telling him that now would make anything easier.

"Okay," he said slowly, "you're telling the truth."

"I am," I lied again. "So what's it going to be, Pete?"

He shook his head and thought about that one. When he finally spoke it was slow like he was making it up as he went along. "You know, it's you that has this backwards. This isn't my decision, it can't be. You're the one who has to live with the consequences. Your life, your choice."

"So," I said, not really knowing what answer I wanted to hear, "you aren't going to tell then?"

With my words, something shut down in his face, but he simply said, "No."

"And if I do get married in two days," I picked my words carefully, "you'll still be my best man?"

He looked at me solemnly, "Sorry Max, I don't think I could do that."

"Oh." There was nothing else I could think of to say.

"I'll keep your secret," he mumbled, "but I won't stand there and pretend I think you're some great guy for having it."

"And if I went to Tess and told her everything?"

Pete stared out of the window for a full minute before replying. "Then you'd still sort of be the same guy who's been my best friend since we were eight. I think that would have to count for something and I don't walk away from people I care about."

"I see." I took my soggy bag of peas and threw it on top of a packing box. There had been times when I'd imagined how this moment might feel, but I'd never guessed it would be like this. I hurt, and it wasn't just from the beating. But in another way it felt good too. Scary as hell, but good. "Well, that's nice to know." I shrugged. "'Cause I think after today, I'm probably not going to be seeing a lot of friendly faces for a while."

"It'll be for the best," Pete said seriously. "You know that's the truth."

I shook my head, "No, I don't, but I sure as shit hope you're right."

Telling Tess was somehow better and worse than I'd expected it would be. Pete was good to his word. He was there for me. He even went with me to her apartment, though he waited in the car. When I came out gray-faced 30 minutes later, he drove me home and then watched over me as I got totally, stinking drunk.

At least she'd reacted with anger; it was a lot easier to take than if she'd cried buckets or (God forbid) been understanding. Anyway, besides calling me every fag slur she could think of, (and she knew a lot, courtesy of her father) the one thing she'd been adamant on was that I better not open my mouth and tell people anything - at least until everyone had forgotten she'd ever known my name.

But Tess hadn't figured on her Daddy. Apparently she hadn't waited long to call him with the happy news and he'd immediately pressured her into telling him exactly what the reason was for the abrupt change in plans. Of course, he'd been furious and after taking time out to call me and tell me precisely what kind of scum I was made of, he began to systematically let the rest of the world know why his darling daughter wasn't going to be wearing the white dress that had set him back six grand.